What If?
by Rorschach's Blot
Summary: A place for odd story bits that drip out of my brain.
1. Punctuality

Disclaimer: If you're not at least ten minutes early, you're late. - My Drill Sergeant

Punctuality

"Sorry I'm late Iruka sensei," Naruto grinned. "Let's go get ramen now."

"Before we do," Iruka took a deep breath he was worried that his favorite student might be picking up some of his new teacher's less reputable habits. "I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Promptness is a sign of respect," the scarred man began. "Showing up late is a sign of contempt, if you show up late you're telling everyone in the meeting that you don't respect them enough to show up on time."

"I'm sorry," the blonde looked down at his feet. "Our mission went a little long and I couldn't get here on time . . . I didn't mean to tell you I didn't respect you."

"Don't worry about it," Iruka ruffled the boy's hair. "I figured that it was something like that, it's ok if you have a good reason and you're not late all the time."

"Ok," Naruto's good mood returned. "Now let's go get some Ramen."

Naruto ate several bowls of Ramen and returned to his apartment. After brushing his teeth he went to bed and tried to go to sleep.

"Somethings wrong," Naruto muttered to himself. "I can't get to sleep because somethings bothering me."

He stared at his darkened ceiling for several minutes before it came to him, "Kakashi is always late and he always gives those lame excuses . . . Kakashi doesn't respect me." A tear made its way down the boy's cheek, "well then I won't respect him either."

It was a very tired Naruto that arrived at his team's meeting place and he waited as the meeting time came and went.

"I'm going home," Naruto announced. "I need to get some more sleep."

"You can't leave," Sakura streaked. "What about Kakashi? You can't just leave, you have to wait until he shows up."

"Why should I wait for someone I don't respect?" Naruto muttered as he began walking away.

"What?" Sakura's eyes widened, that was the last thing she expected to hear from her unwanted teammate.

IIIIIIIIII

"Yo," Kakashi gave a lazy grin.

"You're late," Sakura shouted.

"Where's Naruto?" Kakashi ignored his pink haired student and looked around.

"He left sensei," Sakura tattled. "He said that he wasn't going to bother waiting for someone he had no respect for."

"Oh," the masked man nodded. "Then you two do some exercises or something while I go get Naruto." Kakashi frowned as he made his way to the wayward Gennin's apartment, whatever did he mean when he said he didn't respect his teacher?

"Kakashi," Naruto said as the man landed on his window sill. "Something I can do for you?"

"You didn't show up to the meeting Naruto." Kakashi smiled. "Why?"

"I showed up," Naruto protested. "And I waited and you didn't show up so I left."

"You should have waited Naruto." Kakashi's smile widened.

"Ten minute rule," Naruto shrugged. "If you're not there within ten minutes of the time you gave then I'll assume that you aren't going to show up . . . was there anything else you wanted?"

"You told Sakura that you didn't respect me," Kakashi got to the point. "Why?"

"I was talking to someone and they told me something," Naruto paused. "They said that showing up on time was a sign of respect and that lateness was a sign of contempt . . . I don't see the need to show respect for someone that shows me so much contempt."

"Oh . . ." Kakashi was stunned, how to answer this in a way that would let it die a natural death. "You shouldn't worry about it Naruto . . . I'm always late."

"And I'm always on time," Naruto smiled. "So if you're not then I won't be there, anything else?"

"You need to show up to meetings Naruto," Kakashi scolded.

"Why?" Naruto looked puzzled. "If you're not going to show up then why should I?"

"You're my subordinate and I expect you to show up," Kakashi said as he patted Naruto on the head.

"Can you teach me a cool jutsu?" Naruto asked suddenly. "Since you are my teacher and all."

"No," Kakashi replied with a shake of his head. "now run along back to the meeting place."

"So you're not my teacher then," Naruto said in a tone of understanding. "I just wanted to make sure, bye Kakashi."

"Naruto wait," Kakashi called out after the blond who either ignored him or didn't hear. "Damn."

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief as he ran from his former teacher. It was so relaxing to finally get things out into the open, he mused. And who knows, maybe his former teammates would follow his example and find teachers of their own. Or wonder of wonders, maybe Kakashi would finally teach them something useful. It was all for the best, Naruto told himself. Better to get everything out into the open and to get a new start then to let things fester.

"Naruto," Konoha's green beast shouted. "What malady has sapped your youthful energy?"

"Hey Gai," Naruto said seriously. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"What is it my fine young friend," Gai asked as he struck a pose. "Do you have questions about the power of youth?"

"I've heard that you're Kakashi's rival," Naruto began. "Would you like to try something that he failed at?"

"Of course I would," Gai agreed. "Anything that Kakashi fails at I shall do and succeed . . . if I don't then I shall run around Konoha three hundred times with one leg tied behind my head . . . and if I shall fail at that then I shall walk on my hands for three weeks."

"Wow," Naruto gasped. "That sure is impressive."

"What is your task?"

"Kakashi failed as my teacher . . . would you teach me something."

"What?" Gai turned serious. "Why do you say that Kakashi failed you?"

"He doesn't have any respect for me," Naruto replied quickly. "And he won't teach me anything . . . I don't think that I should keep a teacher that doesn't respect me and refuses to teach me."

"Oh . . . I see," Gai sighed. "I'm afraid that I can't be your full time teacher."

"Of course not," Naruto said quickly. "You've got your own team, I was just hoping that you could give me some training techniques that I could try on my own."

"I . . ." Gai looked down at Naruto's hopeful face. "Alright . . . but I think you should give Kakashi another chance."

"I gave him lots of chances," Naruto shook his head. "I even told him I was giving him a chance and he still ignored me . . . why should I keep wasting time on Kakashi that I could spend training to be a better Ninja?"

"We can talk about this later," Gai didn't like the way this conversation was headed. "Why don't I give you some exercises and we can get back to this later."

"Ok," Naruto nodded. "What are you gonna teach me?"

AN: So what happens? My vague ideas had Naruto begging a bit of training from everyone he knew. He doesn't get much, a bit of advice here and a technique there. My thought was to have this take place before the Chunin exams so Kakashi could use them as a bribe to get Naruto to come back to the team, at least for the duration of the exam. Didn't have any idea on where to take it after that.

Omake: The working title was something along the lines of 'Screw You.'

"Hey Naruto, why were you speaking with the Hokage?" Kakashi asked curiously.

"I was asking her permission to leave Konoha" Naruto replied with a shrug, "I just want to see what it would be like to be treated like a normal person."

"What did she say?' Kakashi asked apprehensively.

"She told me that I could go so long as my teacher gave his permission"

"Then I forbid it." Kakashi frowned, "I do not believe that leaving the village would benefit you at this time."

"So what." Naruto sneered, "since when have you cared about what I want?"

"I have always cared about my team," Kakashi replied in a hurt tone, "and I don't believe that you should go."

"Too bad." Naruto fought to keep his voice even, "I already got permission to leave from my teacher and I will be gone within the hour."

"How could that be? I never gave you permission to leave the village"

"You were never my teacher," Naruto answered bluntly, "so why should I need anything from you?"

"What are you talking about?" Kakashi was starting to get angry

"What have you ever taught me? When have you ever helped me? What reason have you given me to conceder you my mentor?"

"Naruto I . . ." Kakashi froze searching for a response, "I taught you how to walk up trees."

"No you showed me how and told me to work it out for myself, try again."

"I . . ."

"Never treated me like a member of your team? Turned me away when I begged you to teach me something?" Naruto supplied helpfully, "if ninja who don't care for their teammates are worse then trash, then what is a teacher that does not care for his students?"

Kakashi felt his insides twist painfully as he considered Naruto's question.

"I don't know either." Naruto shrugged, "but I don't believe that he has any right to call himself a teacher . . . goodbye Kakashi."

Kakashi watched as the blond walked out of sight, wishing he could find the words to convince the boy to stay in the village, wishing he could go back and start over.

AN: Figured this could be a good start to a Kakashi goes back in time fic.

As always, tell me if you want one or both of these ideas so I can put up a link.


	2. Not a Very Happy Idea

Disclaimer: This is a bunch of loose scenes I wrote for something that mutated into something else. Don't expect much.

Not a Very Happy Idea

"Good afternoon Anbu of the leaf," Naruto's voice startled the group. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"It's been eighteen months since your team was wiped out," the leader said. "It's time to come home."

"Afraid I can't do that," Naruto said cheerfully. "Sorry you had to come all this way. Tell the old man that I'll be back after I finish my mission."

"The Hokage has ordered you to return," the masked Anbu said in an even voice.

"Not now," Naruto snarled, the happy mask he'd been wearing disappeared. "I'm too close."

"Are you refusing to follow the Hokage's commands?" The Anbu asked cautiously.

"No," Naruto said with forced calm. "I'm refusing to abandon a mission without cause."

"What mission?" The Anbu asked curiously.

"I've taken a C rank mission to protect this village," Naruto said smugly. "And abandoning the mission would be against village law."

"You can't take missions." The Anbu frowned under his mask. "You're just a Gennin."

"Wrong, I'm the team leader for team three." Naruto's voice took a lecturing tone. "According to village law, a team of beginning Gennin must be led by a Jounin. Village law also states that in the event the team leaders death, the next ranking man will take his place with a temporary rank until returning to the village. I haven't returned to the village for over a year, so I'm a Jounin team leader and village law states that I am allowed to take missions."

"I see," the Anbu's voice betrayed nothing. "Then I suppose I have no choice but to leave half of my team until the mission is complete or until they get relived. Nice try kid, but the Hokage wants you back."

"Understood." Naruto's face lost its smirk and went blank. Naruto didn't say a word on the long journey back to his home village.

"Welcome home Naruto," the Hokage said with a smile. "You've been away too long."

"Not long enough," Naruto growled. "I was within weeks of killing him."

"My sources tell me that you wouldn't have been able to complete the assassination," the Hokage said slowly. "They tell me the odds of success were close to zero."

"Tell them to run the numbers again," Naruto demanded. "This time with the understanding that the survival of the assassin is unimportant."

"I . . ." The old man was at a loss for words.

"He killed my team," Naruto said sadly. "No one survived that day, I died that day with my comrades. All you see now is an empty shell."

"Death is nothing to look forward to Naruto."

"I don't see it as death so much as being reunited with the only people that ever cared about me," Naruto replied. "Why did you call me?"

"The graduating class was uneven," the old man replied. "I needed another candidate to even out the teams."

"They still at the school?"

"Yes and if you hurry, you can still get there in time. You've been assigned to team seven."

"Understood." Naruto left the old man and made his way to the academy.

Naruto walked through the doorway to his old classroom and was mildly surprised to find the place empty save for two students that he vaguely remembered.

"Who are you?" Sakura asked. "You can't be the instructor?"

"Team Seven?" Naruto sighed.

"That's us," she agreed.

"I'm the third member," Naruto said.

"I don't remember you from the academy," Sakura said. "When did . . ." Naruto tuned the girl out was soon asleep.

"Wake up," Kakashi yelled at the sleeping boy.

"You here already?" Naruto asked. "Ok."

"Why don't you introduce yourself," Kakashi suggested. "Name, likes, dislikes, dreams, that sort of thing."

"My name is Naruto. I like . . ." The boy looked lost. "I dislike several things, and my dream is to be with my team again." That said, Naruto hopped up and walked out on his surprised team.

"Be at training area fifteen for the final exam tomorrow," Kakashi called after the retreating boy.

IIIIIIIIII

"You were supposed to go hide Naruto," Kakashi smiled.

"Just a quick question first. If I fail this test then I get sent back to the academy?" Naruto gave his first genuine smile in years.

"Yes," Kakashi said slowly.

"I give up. You're too powerful for my feeble skills and I have no chance of passing, it's better that I return to the academy."

"Why?" Kakashi asked suspiciously.

"Academy students can't be labeled missing nins," Naruto smirked. "I suppose I should thank you for this opportunity, because of you I don't have to waste too much time in the village."

"I . . . see," Kakashi frowned. "I'm afraid that it won't be that easy Naruto."

"Why not," Naruto taunted. "Those two don't have a full brain between them, they'll never figure out the real test and if they did they'd never ask me for help."

"They might surprise you," Kakashi offered.

"It takes three to pass a team." Naruto rebutted, "it only takes one to fail." Naruto spent the rest of the day in the shade of one of the trees watching the older Ninja make fools of his potential teemmates. Life was good.

"You all pass," Kakashi grinned.

"What?" Naruto's voice was flat and dangerous.

"You showed that you already understood the true principal of the test," Kakashi explained. "And Sakura showed good team work with Sasuke."

"Sasuke didn't show anything," Naruto hissed. "Except the fact that he's as arrogant as any other member of his family, I refuse to be on the same team that shows such blatant disregard for their teammates."

"I'm afraid that's not your decision to make Naruto," Kakashi smiled. "Why don't you take the time to get to know your new team members."

"Why don't you go to hell," Naruto retorted as he began to walk away. "Be sure to tell me when you get a C rank."

"Team meeting tomorrow," Kakashi called after his student. "Don't be late."

"What are you gonna do?" Narut laughed, "send me back to the academy? Take my forehead protector? Be my guest."

"I'll think of something Naruto"

"Face it Kakashi," Naruto replied as he was about to fade out of sight. "There is nothing that you can do to me that hasn't already been done, I've already been given the worst punishment that can be thought up. Anything else you might do pales in comparison."

"What's the punishment?" Sakura asked, wanting to know what had been done to the loud boy.

"Keeping him here," Kakashi frowned. "Naruto would like nothing better then to have his ties to this village cut."

AN: Basic idea is that Naruto graduated a year or two early and was assigned to a team. There was a mission that resulted in Naruto being the only survivor of his team changing his dream from becoming the Hokage to wanting revenge. I had planned to spend the first dozen or so chapters on Naruto and his happiness at being with a group of people that accept him, and then kill these people off. Then I saw a story that had this basic idea, I told myself that my idea was different. For one, I wasn't going to show the team in flashbacks and for anther it wasn't a super Naruto fic. Then I saw another and I started thinking, the characters I thought up were too good to throw away might as well scrap this idea and use them somewhere else. Tied up the loose scenes and wrote a bit more before posting. The Story, Naruto sends a clone to every meeting and interacts with his team mates as little as possible so that he isn't too close to anyone that might die. Not a very cheery fic.


	3. Ramen Warrior

Disclaimer: Ramen is good stuff, I'm talking about the real ramen not the garbage instant stuff that the majority of you have had. I'd kill for a real bowl of ramen, it's one of the things I miss the most about not being in Japan. Frigging bastards that don't have a ramen stand near my house, right down the street would be good. Just a little stand is all I want, is that too much to ask for?

Ramen Warrior

"Hey old man," Naruto yelled as he walked into the Hokage's office. "I just heard something in class that I can't believe."

"What is it Naruto?" The Hokage asked kindly.

"Why does Orochimaru want to destroy Konoha?"

Deciding that the boy was too young to accept the truth, the Hokage decided to have a bit of fun with him.

"Because he hates Ramen" the Hokage answered after a few moments of contemplation, "he wants to destroy our Ramen stands and then to destroy all the Ramen stands in the world."

"That's terrible" Naruto was aghast.

"That it is Naruto" the Hokage agreed before disappearing, which was a shame because if he had stayed around for just a few more minutes he would have seen Naruto vowing to destroy Orochimaru and forever end the threat to his beloved Ramen.

Naruto spent the next day doing something he would have rather not done, research. But Iruka sensei had said that if you know your enemy and if you know yourself you'd win or something and that was what he was going to do. Which is why he was crouching behind a garbage can watching one of the street vendors.

There she was, his best chance to learn the dirty snake's fighting style. It had taken months for him to ferret out the information that the traitorous ramen hater had a student that had remained in the village and almost fifteen minutes to figure out a plan that would force the woman to reveal her fighting style. A fighting style that would give him an idea of what to face when the moment of truth finally came.

"What's up sweet cheeks," Naruto asked as he slapped the woman on the butt. "How much for a few minutes of fun?"

Anko froze when she felt a hand on one of her ass and reflexively drove her elbow back to get the bastard in the gut. Turning in confusion when she hit nothing, she was surprised to find a young boy looking up at her with innocent eyes.

"Who put you up to that kid?" Anko said with a sweet smile. "If you tell me, I'll give you a lolly pop."

"What flavor?" Naruto asked suspiciously. This wasn't what he expected, but the old man had said that no plan survives first contact with the enemy and what the hell, he had always been good at improvisation.

"Uh . . . cherry."

"Ok," Naruto agreed brightly. "Him, the one with the stupid mask reading the orange book."

"Here you go you little scamp," Anko said as she gave Naruto the candy. "KAKASHI."

"Mmmmm, cherry." Naruto smiled in contentment as he watched the woman try to kill the weird man. "This is even better then the original plan, I can watch much better if I'm not the one being hit."

"Not in the face, not in the face." Kakashi managed to get out between girlish screams. "Aaak, back to the face, back to the face."

And so the years past . . .

"What are you doing kid?" Anko asked the little boy that was in the process of fondling her breasts.

"Looking for the silly cone," Naruto replied innocently. "Weird masked guy said that you had a lot of it in your chest."

"He did huh?" Anko said. "KAKASHI, DIE."

"Hwa?" Kakashi looked up from his book. "AHHH, THAT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO THERE. NO . . . NO . . . NOOOOOOOOOO."

"Hey kid," one of the passing jounin whispered to Naruto.

"Yeah guy with a freaky bandanna on his head?"

"The name's Ibiki," the man said. "Anyway, don't you feel just a little guilty about the way you keep sending Anko to abuse Kakashi for something he didn't do?"

"Why would I feel guilty?" Naruto asked with a frown.

"I like you kid," Ibiki laughed. "Here, take my card. Be sure to look me up after you become a ninja, I might have a job for you."

"Ok."

"Nothing like a good sadistic beating to cheer me up," Anko said to herself as she walked back to the brat.

"Yay creepy snake lady," Naruto cheered.

"The name's Anko."

"Yay Anko," Naruto corrected himself. "Way to beat up evil masked guy."

"Be straight with me brat," Anko began with a smile. "Kakashi didn't do any of those things you said he did, did he?"

"Nope," Naruto agreed. "You're not mad are you?"

"Even if he didn't do what you said he did, I'm sure he did something. You just gave me an excuse to bring him to justice."

"Ok."

"But I was wondering, why do you keep getting Kakashi in trouble like that?"

"I wanted to see you fight," Naruto replied. "So I could see your style."

"Why?"

"I wanna kill Orochimaru," Naruto growled. "And I need all the pointers I can get, seeing your fighting style is one of them."

"When the time comes," Anko began. "Why don't we kill him together?"

"Can we do it slow?"

"Of course we can, now give me a hug."

Kakashi watched it all from his position on the ground, he really hated that kid. He growled as Anko pulled the boy into a hug, that should be his face pressed into the hot sadistic girl's breasts.

And passed, till Naruto was ready to take the final test to become a gennin . . .

"Doing your bell test again?" Anko asked when Kakashi finally showed up.

"Anko?" Kakashi stammered. "What are you doing here?"

"Watching Naruto pass your test," the woman said dryly. "Now get on with it.

"Yes . . .well." Kakashi told his shocked students the rules and started the timer.

"Go Naruto," Anko cheered.

"You were supposed to go hide Naruto," Kakashi said with a smile.

"I just wanted to ask you something first," Naruto said.

"Fine," Kakashi sighed.

"Can I use any ninja skill?" Naruto demanded. "Even the really really tricky ones?"

"Yes you can," Kakashi said. "Even the really tricky ones."

"Hey Anko," Naruto called out. "Guess what Kakashi just called you."

"You bastard," Anko screamed as she attacked the surprised Kakashi.

"Mommy."

Naruto watched his friend pummel the poor jounin for a few minutes before he picked up the small bell that rolled up to his feet. "Anko, Anko, look." Naruto said joyfully. "I got a bell, I pass."

"Congratulations Naruto," she said as she dislocated Kakashi's shoulder. "Let's go eat Dango to celebrate."

"Ramen."

"Dango"

"Ramen" 

"DANGO."

"RAMEN." 

"Dango and Ramen," the yelled together.

"I hate that kid," Kakashi whispered to himself as he tried to regain enough strength to move.

"Five Ramen old man," Naruto ordered. "For each of us."

"Alright Naruto," Ichiraku agreed cheerfully. He hadn't been at all sure he approved of the boy's relationship with the village's number one sadistic bitch at first, but after seeing the boy's smile. "You know that thing I've been working on?"

"It's ready?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"For the first test anyway," Ichiraku agreed.

"Yay."

"What are you babbling about brat?" Anko demanded.

"Dango Ramen," the old man replied as he set two bowls on the counter. "Tell me what you think."

"More," Anko growled after her first sip of the broth.

"Coming right up." 

"So just why do you hate my old teacher so much kid?" Anko asked as she waited for her next bowl to arrive.

"I learned about some of his plans," Naruto said with a sick look on his face. "And I . . . no one could stand aside after hearing what I heard."

"I'm sorry you had to get exposed to that kid," Anko said sadly. "No one should have to."

"That's why we're going to kill him," Naruto said firmly. "Aku soku zan."

"Good boy."

And before they knew it, Naruto was competing in the chunin exams . . .

Mongoose summons

"Hmmm," Naruto said as he dodged a strike by a giant snake. "This means something . . . oh yeah, Orochimaru." Dodging another strike, Naruto summoned a giant mongoose. "GO GET HIM Riki Tiki Tavi," Naruto cheered. "I'm gonna go kill the summoner."

The Mongoose made short work of the snake and joined its summoner as he ran to kill his sworn enemy.

IIIIIIIIII

"Bwahahaha," Orochimaru laughed. "The only way you can get power is by coming to me. And uh . . . before you do, get rid of that pesky gag reflex." 

"Wait . . . what?" Sasuke asked in shock.

"And be sure to get really flexible," Orochimaru continued. "Learn how to . . . uh . . . put your ankles behind your head."

Sasuke was saved from having to answer by the timely arrival of Naruto.

"OROCHIMARU," Naruto screamed. "For your crimes against ramen, there can only be one sentence . . . death."

"Hwa?" Orochimaru stared at the crazy kid charging towards him. Hadn't he sent a snake after that kid? No matter, he'd deal with him right here.

"RIKI, GET 'IM."

"Oh shit," Orochimaru screamed as the giant mongoose attacked. "Bye Sasuke-hime, remember what I said."

"Creepy," Sasuke whispered to himself as the strange ninja disappeared. "It was like facing one hundred fan girls."

Until finally, Sound invaded . . .

"No," Naruto whispered as he took in the scene of destruction. "NOOOOOOOOOO." Naruto's eyes turned red and nine tales of chakra lit up behind him. Turning away from the destroyed Ramen stand, the grief maddened boy went off in search of his prey.

"You're trapped in here sensei," Orochimaru taunted. "Nothing can break that barrier."

"DIE." Naruto went through the 'unbreakable' barrier like snot through a Kleenex.

"YOU AGAIN," the Snake Sannin screamed. "Why won't you leave me alone. All I wanna do is kidnap your friend and eventually steal his body. Destroy your village, and kill the Hokage. Is that too much to ask?"

"I don't care about all that," Naruto said as he ripped out the man's heart.

"Then . . . why."

"I'll never let you destroy something as wonderful as Ramen."

Orochimaru could only think one thing as he died, that thing was 'what the hell is this kid talking about.'

"Good job Naruto," the Hokage gasped. Something told him that this wasn't the right time to tell the boy that it had all been a joke.

AN: More of an outline then a fic, but good enough to go into my ideas file. We've all seen the 'Naruto trains hard as a lad' storyline. This is my version.

Omake: Mistress Hinata

"Nothing like a night of heavy drinking to put me in the right frame of mind for council meetings," Hiashi sighed as he walked through his home. "Now to get a few hours sleep so that the resulting hangover will insure that my reputation as a bastard remains intact." His musings were cut short by the sound of a whip cracking and several girlish screams coming from his oldest daughter's room. "Hinata's in danger, I've got to save her." He burst through the door to his daughter's room and froze when his mind processed the scene. There dressed in a black leather body suit and holding a black whip was his innocent young daughter.

"Thank god," Naruto screamed. "You've got to save me."

"Uzumaki," Hiashi greeted the boy tied to his daughter's bed. "Let's just pretend that I didn't see anything," the man suggested as he slowly backed out of the room and closed the door.

"You . . . you've been a bad boy Naruto kun." Hiashi winced at the whip cracks that followed that statement, none of his business.


	4. Real Shinobi

Disclaimer: Shibakuzo Teme, anta no okaasan wa mazui yo. Konno nihongo ga hen desune Hai, watashi no nihongo wa jouzu desu kedo, kono nihongo ga hen. Romanji wa muzukashi.

Real Shinobi

The third was having a rather uneventful day in his office when a slight shift in the atmosphere alerted him that he was no longer alone.

"You called us Hokage."

"And we came."

"Mr. and Mrs. Yamada," he said in delight. "I was wondering if you'd gotten my summons."

"Forgive the delay, we weren't anywhere near our usual area of operations."

"Anything I need to know about?"

"Rumors about the new village," the man said. "Are rather disturbing."

"In what way?"

"Recruitment of missing nins for one," the woman said.

"Hardly surprising," the Hokage mused. "Fairly normal for a new village to boost their numbers that way."

"That may be true but there's something . . . off about the village," the woman said with a frown. "I can't say more then that without more information."

"Fine," the Hokage agreed. "But that wasn't why I called you. You're aware of Uzumaki Naruto?"

"The boy with the seal?"

"Yes," the Hokage said. "I have recently come into some rather disturbing information regarding him."

"Oh?"

"One of his teachers came to me," he continued. "Seems that the other instructors are actively sabotaging his development."

"You wish us to investigate?"

"Yes."

"Then it shall be done."

Three days later, the Hokage again found himself playing host to unexpected company.

"Well?"

"It is as you said," Mr. Yamada said. "They are doing all in their power to keep him back."

"Could he pass the exam?" Sandaime sighed.

"Possibly," the woman agreed. "He's on the low side but could pass with the right examiner."

"Then it seems long past time for me to observe the graduation," the Hokage mused. "Have you considered the other matter we discussed?"

"We will consider teaching a team," Mrs. Yamada said slowly. "Provided we get to chose our students."

"Who do you want?"

"Uzumaki, Matsushika, and Nakamura." Mr. Yamada said firmly.

"Uzumaki?"

"Might be open minded enough to work with us," Ms. Yamada explained. "Time will tell."

"Care to tag along?" The Hokage asked as he put on his hat.

"Why not."

The group arrived in the at the academy to the surprise of several Chunin instructors.

"Hokage," the Chunins in Naruto's class said in shock. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to observe this year's exams," the Hokage said evenly. "I hear young Naruto is competing this year and I'm hoping to see him pass."

"Understood sir," the man said through clenched teeth.

"I don't think you do," the Hokage said with a smile. "I'm hoping to see him pass, but only if he has the ability. I do not want to see him passed if he does not have the ability."

"Yes Hokage," the Chunin agreed. "I shall see to it. Everything will be above board."

"Good, time to go see the exam then I think."

"I believe that Uzumaki was up next sir." The Chunin led them into the room. "Looks like he's about to start the thrown weapon test sir. He picks up ten of each projectile and must make seven hits out of ten to procede."

"I understand," the Hokage said with a smile. "Bit different then it was in my day."

Naruto made his throws and it looked like he passed, to the strong displeasure of the examiner.

"Uzumaki . . . passes this section."

"Are you sure about that?" Mrs. Yamada asked.

"The one on the edge is a bit iffy," Mr. Yamada agreed.

"What do you know?" Naruto barked. "I passed didn't I?"

"That's what we were discussing," Mr. Yamada replied. "Do you know what this test is? It is a test to determine if you have learned enough of the skills here to go into the field."

"Or if you need more time before you pose out," Mrs. Yamada picked up. "Broken down it's an attempt to weed out candidates that are so unskilled that their very presence would endanger their instructor or teammates."

"Lives are at stake," Mr. Yamada explained. "Yours and those belonging to your team."

"So the question remains," Mrs. Yamada said calmly. "Did you do good enough?"

"Why don't we score it the old way?" The Hokage suggested. "No chance for ambiguity then, but it's a bit less forgiving then the current method. Up to it Naruto?"

"I'm up for anything," Naruto agreed.

"Then let me think, the old passing grade was seventy five but the current takes seven hits. So, seventy percent. The one on the edge would be worth half points." The Hokage took a few moments to calculate the points. "Seventy one points, congratulations Naruto."

"Thanks old man," Naruto cheered.

"Why don't we calculate the points receved in the old method as well as the new?" Mrs. Yamada suggested.

"I'd rather just the old method," Mr. Yamada ammended. "The new way doesn't seem to be very precise."

"I'll make a note to talk to the administration about it later," the Hokage agreed. "But for now, I'd like to let Naruto decide. Would you rather use the old grading system or the new one we developed after losses cut down our effective strength."

"No way am I going to take the easy test," Naruto shouted. "If I'm going to take your job, then I can't take any easy routes."

"Excellent, let's see the rest of the exam then." They watched as Naruto completed the rest of the exam and finally the Hokage turned to his two associates. "Well?"

"Passed by two points," Mr. Yamada said.

"Three here," Mrs. Yamada gave her own tally. "I'm a bit easier on the subjective stuff."

"You hear that Naruto," the Hokage said with a smile. "You passed."

"I knew I could do it," Naruto cheered.

"Yes you did," the Hokage agreed. "Drop by my office in a few hours, I'd like to see how the other exams play out. A Hokage should always have a good idea on the strengths and weaknesses of the Shinobi working under him."

"I'll remember that," Naruto agreed as he bounced out of the classroom. "I've got to get back to class now."

"Back to class?"

"Iruka made me promise to come back to his class after I was done with my exam," Naruto explained. "Later old man."

"Well?" The Hokage muttered. "How would he have done on the current exam?"

"Might have scraped through."

"Depending on the more subjective stuff."

"Thank you," the Hokage said softly.

Naruto ran down the hall and burst into Iruka's classroom.

"Guess what," Naruto shouted.

"Quiet in class," Iruka yelled. "Now go take your seat."

"Yes Iruka sensei."

"You're going to need to know this after you become an active Ninja so pay attention."

"Yes Iruka sensei," Naruto agreed. To the instructor's private amazement, Naruto did listen. The boy watched in fascination as Iruka continued his lecture, shooting the occasional glance of confusion his way.

Naruto checked his notes one last time before he left, Iruka had said that he'd need to know this if he was going to be an active Ninja and Naruto was not going to let the man down. He still wasn't sure how Iruka had known that he'd passed his exam before being told but he was sure that it would become clear in time.

"Maybe Iruka just had faith that I'd pass?" Naruto muttered to himself as he walked towards the Hokage's tower. "No, that can't be it. He just talked about how Ninja can't assume anything and how it's ok to make guesses so long as you don't confuse guesses with facts." Naruto was still mulling over the problem when he arrived in the Hokage's office.

"Bout time you showed up," a young girl said sullenly.

"I had to finish at the academy," Naruto retorted.

"Let's not have any of that," the Hokage said kindly. "Naruto, these are your perspective teammates. Harumi Nakamura and Keiko Matsushika."

The two girls looked over Naruto with unimpressed looks.

"YOU are going to be our teammate?" Keiko sneered.

"Are you sure he's up to it Hokage?" Harumi agreed.

"The three of you got the lowest scores on this years exam," the Hokage said mildly. "Were there any other questions?"

"I thought the best student of the year was supposed to teamed up with the worst student?" Harumi asked.

"There are exceptions to every rule," the Hokage said.

"Why did we get an exception?"

"Because we requested you," Mrs. Yamada said. The three students jumped in surprise when she revealed herself.

"And refused to teach unless we got to pick our own students," Mr. Yamada agreed.

"Where'd you come from?" Naruto shouted.

"We were always here."

"We'll teach you in time."

"For now, come with us." The couple led their students out of the Hokage's office and into one of the empty meeting rooms on the same floor.

"My name is Kei Yamada and this is my husband Kenji," the woman began.

"Most instructors give their prospective students some sort of test on the first day to determine whether their team has enough collective potential to bother with. Failures go back to the academy and successes go on to become Gennin."

"We aren't going to do that," Kei said. "We don't think it's possible to learn enough about you in one simple test."

"So we're going to be do something a bit different," Kenji said. "If you're good enough to be our Gennin then you're good enough to be Chunin."

"With that in mind," Kei said. "You can be sent back to the academy as unsuitable at any time before we nominate you for your first Chunin exam."

"Harumi," Kenji began. "Your father is a tailor and your mother is a seamstress. Did they teach you anything of their craft?"

"Enough to maintain my gear," the girl said. "I could probably make my own clothes but they wouldn't look very good."

"I want you to have them teach you more when you're not doing team activities," Kenji continued. "When you feel confident enough, you're going to make your teammates gear. Understand?"

"Yes sir."

"Keiko," Kei said. "Your mother is knife maker and your father is a blacksmith."

"I could make a few things but I'm not up to making shinobi weapons," Keiko replied quickly. "I'm not sure my parents could either. Mom makes kitchen knives and dad concentrates on ornamental gates and that sort of thing."

"Be sure that your mother starts by teaching you how to sharpen them and your dad teaches you to make your own tools," Kei said firmly. "When you get better then we'll see about putting you with someone who can teach you a few more tricks."

"Ok."

"Naruto," Kenji said to the boy. "You are an orphan, you have no parents to teach you anything."

"But we have spoken to a friend of yours," Kei said. "You will work in the kitchen at the Ramen shop."

"Alright," Naruto cheered.

"Can I ask a question?" Harumi held her hand up.

"You may."

"And you do not have to hold up your hand anymore."

"Why do you want us to learn these things?"

"Several reasons," Kei said.

"How about we give you the biggest two?

"One, it builds teamwork."

"Two," Kenji said with a smile. "It helps with the kind of missions we like to do."

"Infiltration," Kei said. "It helps when you can go in with nothing."

"You get searched and they find nothing."

"Because there's nothing to find."

"But what about Naruto then?" Keiko demanded. "How is cooking Ramen useful for missions?"

"For one, he'll start out as the team cook."

"Don't underestimate how morale boosting it is to have real food."

"I don't think I could eat nothing but Ramen," Harumi said with a wrinkled nose. "It's good every now and again but not all the time."

"He will be learning to cook other things after he becomes competent with Ramen," Kenji said evenly. "And after he's a well rounded chef, he'll start working with an apothecary."

"Might also be a good idea to have him learn a bit from the medic nins," Kei mused.

"I don't want to be a medic nin," Naruto protested.

"Good, a chance to teach our first lesson as Jonin instructors."

"You can't always do what you want."

"Because you must always do what's best for the team," Kei said firmly. "The team is everything, it's people you've spent years with. People you may not like, who you may hate. But also who you'd die for."

"So if you becoming a medic nin would be best for the team then you will be a medic nin."

"If becoming a garbage man would be the best for your team then you will be a garbage man."

"But worry not Naruto," Kenji said. "We don't expect you to become a medic nin."

"You don't have the control needed," Kei explained. "We just want you to learn a few tricks."

"You'll understand later."

"You all will."

Naruto's life quickly fell into a routine. They trained from before the sun came up until breakfast. After breakfast they were expected to spend several hours in 'team building' exercises, which usually ended up being both disgusting and mildly life threatening until lunch. More training until dinner and then work until well after dark. This continued for several weeks until they couldn't stand it any longer.

"That's it," Naruto screamed. "When are we gonna get a mission?"

"Do you know what sort of mission Gennins are normally assigned?" Kei asked mildly.

"Dog walking, baby sitting."

"Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping."

"What?" Harumi asked in horror. "What kind of missions are those?"

"Most teachers use them as team building exercises," Kei explained.

"We prefer our own methods," Kenji agreed. "If we're going to humiliate you."

"Then we're going to humiliate you," Kei said firmly. "We don't need a middle man."

"Now then, what should we do?"

"Time the met the log," Kei said with a smile. "Naruto."

"Yes Kei sensei?" He asked wearily.

"Do you see that log sitting over there?" She asked sweetly. "The one that's about sixteen around and six feet long?"

"Uh huh."

"Could you help Kenji drag it over here?"

"Yes Kei sensei," he agreed.

"Here's how this exercise works," Kei said with a smile. "You three take the log with you everywhere."

"You'll need to keep in step to avoid tripping each other," Kenji said. "You'll get used to it after a few days."

The three students just shared a look of combined displeasure.

"After you master this it may be time for a mission."

"A real one, not one of those fake dog walking ones."

"Or maybe not, it all depends on how fast you pick it up."

"And how well you work together."

IIIIIIIIII

"How are your students doing?"

"Learning to hate the log," Kei said with a grin.

"Memories," Kenji agreed.

"Ready for their first mission outside the gates?" The Hokage asked.

"Depends on the mission."

"Backup, we're sending another Gennin team to clear out a group of bandits."

"And you want us to be in the area to lend a helping hand if it should be needed."

"They could do that," Kei said. "I'm not sure they're ready to make their first kills."

"They are just children."

"This mission shouldn't require that," the Hokage assured the couple. "There's always the chance of course."

"Of course," they echoed. "We'll take it."

IIIIIIIIII

"This sucks," Naruto complained as they made yet another lap around the training field carrying lifting the log from shoulder to shoulder. "When are we gonna get a mission?"

"How about now?"

"We got you a C ranked mission."

"But don't get excited just yet, you may think of this mission as a test."

"Not like the ones at school."

"Because we'll give you the answer first."

"Always good to allow the taker to know the standards first."

"If you fail it, then we'll know that you've got some time yet before you are ready to get another mission."

"After all, if you can't pass a test when you know the answer."

"I don't think we need to continue."

"What's the mission?" Naruto demanded. "Rescuing a Princess, Fighting bandits maybe?"

"Sitting in a restaurant," Kei said.

"Maybe taking a little walk in the woods."

"What?" Harumi demanded. "Are you two nuts?"

"We're going to be back up for another team," Kenji explained. "Their task is to eliminate a group of bandits."

"Ours is to back them up," Kei said. "Now here's the tricky part."

"You pass if they don't know you were there."

"You fail if you reveal yourselves unnecessarily."

"Understand?"

"No fighting?" Naruto asked in disappointment.

"Not if everything goes well."

"You'll find that's the case in most missions."

"Anyway, we have one week to prepare."

"Harumi, I want you to make a set of civilian clothing for your each of your teammates. It should be designed to accommodate a slightly colder and wetter environment then we have here."

"Keiko, if you feel up to it then we need you to make a utility knife for everyone. It'll come in handy on the trip and you'll find life much easier with it then you would without it."

"About four inches should do it," Kei mused. "Naruto, food and spices for several days."

"And you won't be cooking nothing but Ramen."

"We happen to know that you can also cook gyoza, fried rice."

"And a few other dishes."

"Harumi, Keiko. You two go with him to help him shop."

"Both to prevent him from buying nothing but ramen."

"And to prevent the shopkeepers from overcharging him."

"If they try that trick with you there."

"Understand?"

"Rodger."

"Got it."

"No ramen?"

"You may bring the things for a couple meals of ramen."

"But not a steady diet."

"Ok," Naruto agreed slowly. Some was better then none. And while it wasn't something he wanted to spread around, he did enjoy other foods. Just not nearly as much as he enjoyed what had quickly become his stapel.

"Get to it," Kenji ordered. "I'm going to want you to have everything ready the day before the mission so I can look it over, that will be the day after tomorrow."

"It's always the leader's responsibility to make sure that their subordinates are properly equipped," Kei agreed. "Remember that."

"For now, we're giving you the remander of the day off to prepare."

"Don't disappoint us."

"Come on Naruto," Harumi said. "We'll go shopping first."

The two Jounin watched with a grin on their faces as the two girls dragged off their teammate. "I almost feel sorry for him."

"I don't."

The three children went into the shop and began to gather things at Naruto's direction.

"Four pounds of beef and see if you can find any suet," Naruto said firmly.

"Eeew, what do you need that for?" Keiko asked in disgust.

"Kenji sensei slipped me a book on camp foods the other day," Naruto replied. "This was one of them."

"You're studying?" Harumi asked in shock.

"Good job Naruto," Keiko said quickly before the boy could take offence.

"It is my job," a red faced Naruto said with a pleased grin.

"How dare they bring that bastard here," the owner grumbled

Unnoticed by her students, Kei dropped behind the angry shopkeeper and began to whisper in his ears. "If you try to overcharge my students or treat them in anything other then a professional manner, I'll cut out your tongue."

"I . . . I . . . I . . ."

Kei was gone before her students reached the register and they stared at the odd man for several seconds.

"Why do you think he's pale and saying I?" Harumi asked.

"Better then he usually is," Naruto grumbled. "He normally yells and says how lucky I am that he lets me shop here."

"I . . . free," the man finally gasped. "It's all free today."

"Then you won't mind if we get a few other things?" Keiko asked.

"No, why would I mind?" He asked nervously. "And Naruto, from now on you get a twenty percent discount."

"Ok," Naruto agreed slowly and unsure of the man's sudden change in attatude but unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Thanks."

They finished their shopping and carried their supplied to Naruto's apartment.

"How long is it going to take you to get everything together?" Harumi asked.

"A while," Naruto admitted.

"What if we help?" Keiko asked.

"Less time," Naruto said.

"Then why don't you show me what to do," Harumi asked. "Sooner you get done, the sooner you can help us."

"Ok," Naruto agreed.

"Your knives suck," Keiko said bluntly. "Dull too."

"I know," Naruto said with a downcast look.

"You two get started while I sharpen these," Keiko ordered. "We can see about getting you a better set later."

"Thanks," Naruto said with a grateful smile. "Ok Harumi, the fist thing I need you to do is to start washing this stuff."

Outside, Kei and Kenji shared a look of pride as they watched their students work together. Looked like being an instructor wouldn't be such a bad job after all.

"I'm proud of them," Kei said with a smile. "They're good kids."

"With any luck, they'll stay that way."

"Or get better."

The two instructors watched as Naruto and his teammates finished with the food and began debating what to do next. 

"It'll take some time for me to make your clothes," Harumi cautioned.

"Same with the knives," Keiko agreed. "Could you do your work at my house?"

"I should be able to, why?"

"Because I can't do anything away from my parent's tools," Keiko explained. "If we all go to my place then we can work on everything at the same time and pass Naruto back and fourth to whoever needs him."

"That should work," Harumi said slowly. "Let's do it."

"Do I get a say in this?" Naruto asked.

"No."

"You don't."

"Now you two are doing it," Naruto said in horror.

They left Naruto's apartment and made their way to Keiko's house with a short stop at Harumi's.

"See this pole?" Keiko asked.

"Yeah?"

"Pull it in and out until I tell you to stop," she ordered.

"What's it do?"

"That's the bellows," she explained. "Pulling it in and out provides air to make the forge hot enough to work metal."

"Oh, ok." Naruto complied with the instructions and watched as his friend put an iron in the fire. They worked for several hours and Naruto was bounced back and fourth between the forge and the corner that his other teammate had commandeered for herself.

"That's enough for today," Harumi said stiffly. "We can do the rest of it tomorrow."

They all went home and returned the next day and worked feverishly to get everything done in time for the inspection they had to endure the next day.

"Done," Keiko said as she finished sharpening the last knife. "What about you Harumi?"

"Just finished the last stich," the girl said proudly. "You're done too aren't you Naruto?"

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. "I am."

"Great," Kei announced her presence.

"Because it's time for your inspection," Kenji said. "Pack your things and meet us at the training area."

"I thought we had another day?" Naruto protested.

"Look outside," Kei said fondly.

"You worked through the night," Kenji explained.

They all packed and followed their instructors to the training area. "The first thing you need to do is lay out the tarp Harumi was good enough to make."

"Then, I want you to lay everything out on top of that so I can see everything you have."

"We'll make any additional instructions after we've had a chance to look at what you've got."

The students complied and the instructors went over their possessions. "You sure you can carry that much all day Naruto?"

"I'm sure," Naruto agreed.

"If you say so," Kenji said doubtfully. "There is are many reasons that you're operating in a team and one of them is to have more people to share the load."

"They've got enough to carry," Naruto said simply. "And we already split it up a little."

"If you say so," Kenji agreed. "But remember, it'll be a while until we make a break long enough to rearrange things. You'll have to suffer through the first day if this is too much."

"I know," Naruto said firmly.

"Keiko," Kei said sharply. "Why do you have a mirror?"

"Signaling," Keiko said quickly.

"Then what about the makeup?"

"You told Harumi to make civilian clothes," Keiko said. "Civilian girls wear makeup."

"I'll accept that," Kei said. "Very good. You may repack your things."

"Me now?" Harumi asked.

"You now," Kenji agreed. "What's in this pouch here?"

"Needles and other things I use to sew," Harumi replied. "I rushed through the outfits so fast that I'm afraid I might need to make some repairs on the move. I didn't open it because I don't want to loose anything."

"Good job," Kei said. "All of you, put your packs in the north guard house and meet us at Naruto's ramen stand. We're going to have a meal together."

"After that, you're all to get right to sleep." 

"You have a big day ahead of you and an early morning."

"You are to meet us at zero two hundred in front of the north gate, any questions?"

The Gennin shook their heads and quickly set out to follow their teachers' instructions and rejoined them at the ramen stand.

"My special," Naruto called out.

"Gyoza and fried rice please," Harumi said politely.

"Shiro," Keiko said absently. "So what can you tell us about the mission sensei?"

"As we said before, the mission is fairly simple."

"We are to go in ahead of the other Gennin team and provide backup if necessary," Kei said. "If possible, I don't want them to even know that we were in the area."

"Who's the other team?"

"It's a Gennin team under a Jounin named Gai," Kenji replied. "It consists of a Hyuuga Neji, a hand to hand specialist named Lee, and a weapons specialist named Tenten."

"We went to school with them," Harumi said. "They're going to kill bandits?"

"Possibly," Kenji agreed.

"But just as possible their instructor will attempt to bring them in alive," Kei sighed. "He's a bit of a softy."

"But that is a mistake that I don't want any of you to make," Kenji said firmly. "Nine times out of ten, prisoners are nothing but a hindrance to the mission."

"What else do we need to know?" Keiko asked.

"The route, and everything else the Village knows about the mission," Kei replied. "Read."

The three Gennin went over the report as they ate their meals.

"Any questions?"

"Why isn't there more information?" Keiko demanded.

"Konoha has never been much good at information gathering," Kei replied. "Much too dull for the average nin to pay much attention to."

"We're trying to change that attitude," Kenji added. "Knowledge is power."

"Any other questions?" Kei looked around the table. "Then get home and go to bed."

"You have ten hours until you have to meet us," Kenji said. "Spend as much of it asleep as you can."

The team reformed the next day at the north gate and Naruto felt a rush of adrenalin as they walked out. It was the first time he'd ever gone outside the village on anything more then a short trip and the excitement was killing him. The group traveled in silence for several hours unitl the sky began to brighten.

"It's almost dawn," Kei announced.

"Time to find a place to make camp," Kenji agreed. "Brambles?"

"Good a place as any," Kei agreed. "Come along children."

"How come we gotta go in there?" Harumi protested. "Those thorns will scratch us up and ruin the clothes I just made us."

"It'll also be much safer then out in the open," Kenji explained. "The middle of a patch of brambles is an excellent place to camp because of that."

"The mission is that dangerous?"

"No," Kei admitted. "But it's best to act as if it were."

"Just to get you three in the habit," Kenji explained. "Don't forget that this is as much to train you as it is to help the other team."

With only a few obligatory protests, the team made their way to the center of the patch and cleared an area large enough to set up camp.

"Come with me Naruto," Kei ordered.

"What's up?"

"You like traps don't you?" Kei asked. "I recall hearing something about pranks."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed.

"We're going to set up a few traps around the game trails," Kei explained. "You can't always do that and you can't always have a fire, but when you can it's often a good idea to try to supplement your diet and try to stretch your rations."

"But we'll only be out here for a few days."

"Probably," she agreed. "But it's also good training, are you turning down a chance to train?"

"No, let's get to training." Naruto cheered.

"I thought that would be your reaction.'

As he followed her out of the bramble patch, he couldn't help but notice how much easier it was for her to move through it. "Kei sensei?"

"What is it Naruto?"

"How is it that you're able to move through so easily?"

"There's a trick to it," she replied. "Watch."

"I think I've got it," he said. "Maybe . . . why didn't you show us earlier?"

"Motivation," she said. "After going through it earlier and seeing how hard it was, don't tell me you weren't eager to learn an easier way through?"

"Yeah, but if we can do this then can't others?"

"One of the reasons we're out here is to make it more difficult," Kei explained. "It isn't just animal traps we're going to set."

"Ok," Naruto agreed. 

She showed him how to set up a few simple traps to restrict mobility around their camp site and then led him deeper into the forest.

"Do you know what this is Naruto?"

"Looks like they're onions?" Naruto replied.

"Very good, and this over here is wild garlic."

"Should we pick some?"

"Would it go well with the meal you have planned?"

"If not then we can always use it later," Naruto said after a moment of thought.

"And if you find a way to use that mint up the trail then Kenji might kiss you," she said with a fond smile. "He loves minty things."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Then we had better not get any," Naruto said firmly. "I don't want to do anything that might break up your marriage."

She stared at him for several long seconds before bursting into a musical laughter. "Thank you Naruto, he's not much but it would be too much trouble to find another one."

"You could always pick some for him yourself," Naruto suggested. "And I'll grab some for the girls."

"Very good idea Naruto, thank you."

They set several dead falls and snares on the game trails but Kei was sceptical about what they might produce. "One in four was the best we could hope for," she said, putting a damper on Naruto's enthusiasm. "And I doubt we'll see that until you get a bit better, right now I'd be happy to see one in ten."

"But . . . that's only two successes?"

"That's right," she said with a shrug. "Let's get back, I'm hungry and you're the cook. The sooner we get back . . ."

"The sooner we eat," Naruto said. "Let's go." The two of them cautiously made their way back through the traps and the brambles to find a rather impatient team waiting for them.

"Took you long enough," Harumi grumbled. "We're hungry."

"And I have our cook," Kei said with a smile. "Get to it Naruto."

"What am I supposed to cook with?" Naruto asked. "Are we allowed to have a fire?"

"We are," Kei said. "Kenji?"

"Watch carefully Naruto," Kenji said. "And I'll show you how to make a fire."

Naruto watched in fascination as his instructor dug two holes and connected them with a small tunnel. "Why do things like that sensei?"

"Makes it harder for the fire to be seen," Kenji replied. "And you remember the dry wood we collected earlier?"

"Yeah?"

"Less smoke that way, and with any luck the tree branches will disperse anything else."

"Oh, how do I cook on that?"

"Few ways, we can set up a tripod and lower a pot. Or we can set the pot right on the coals, or we can put a couple pieces of green wood across the hole and set a pan on them."

"I understand."

"Think you can handle it?"

"I think so," Naruto agreed.

AN: Don't really have a name for this but I do plan on finishing it at some point, got several ideas for it anyway. And for those that were wondering, yes a slight variation of this was going to be the back story to 'Not a Very Happy Idea.'

Omake: The Razafukurou

"AHHHHHH," Naruto screamed. The battle with Neji had pushed him to his limits and just when all seemed lost, something happened.

"It can't be," Orochimaru muttered in awe. "The Razafukurou."

"Ahhhh." Naruto continued to scream. A pressure began building behind his eyes, not knowing what else to do . . . he blinked.

The crowed gasped as a beam of light shot out of his eyes and removed the head of the disguised Orochimaru.

"What's happening?" Naruto asked as he looked around, consequently killing dozens of people but they were all extras and sound nins so no one cared.

"Naruto," Sarutobi said softly from his hiding place behind a well placed mirror. "Could you close your eyes and think about not incinerating everyone?"

"Why?" Naruto instinctively turned towards the sound of the old man's voice and killed a family of five.

"Humor me."

AN: Every frigging fic has an eye bloodline and many of them copy one of the existing eye bloodlines, why? There are better blood lines that can be thought of that don't involve eyes. Like . . . I don't know, a bloodline that allows someone to be perfectly quiet. Not even a heart beat or a breath to give them away. A bloodline that keeps a person from feeling extreme heat or cold. A bloodline that lets a person derive nutrients from anything; dirt, grass, corpses, you name it. A bloodline that gives a person the ability to emit noxious fumes from an unnamed part of their body. Oh yeah, Razafukurou is two words raza fukurou. Not sure if I got the spelling on the first one right, fairly sure I got the second right. Bit of a private joke.

Omake: Creepy

"Excellent report Kabuto," Orochimaru hissed. "I want you to return to Konoha and continue watching the last Uchiha."

"No problem chief," Kabuto agreed.

"And one more thing . . ."

"What?"

"Get me a few pictures of Sasuke with his shirt off," Orochimaru said with a smile. "With all of his clothing off if you have the chance."

"You want me," Kabuto began. "To take picture of him naked?"

"I . . . uh . . . need to get an idea of how developed his muscles are if I'm to develop a training program for him after we capture him."

"O . . . k," Kabuto agreed. Maybe it was a bad idea to betray the leaf village after all.

Two weeks later . . .

"And that's everything I've been able to learn about their last mission," Kabuto finished.

"Did you get the pictures?" Orochimaru asked eagerly.

"I did," Kabuto agreed.

"Why don't you sit on my lap while I look through them," Orochimaru suggested.

"Uh . . . you're the boss . . . I guess," Kabuto said reluctantly.

"So tell me," Orochimaru began as he flipped through the pictures. "Do you like gladiator movies?"

"Uh." Yup, definitely a mistake.


	5. Warufuzake no Jutsu

Disclaimer: Just having a bit of harmless fun isn't much fun, harmful fun on the other hand . . .

**Warufuzake** no Jutsu

"And that's why you're worthless," Sasuke finished with a smirk. "Even Kakashi agrees."

"What makes you say that?" Naruto asked mildly.

"The fact that he doesn't take you out to train," Sasuke boasted. "While he has one on one training with me all the time."

"Ah . . . tell me Sasuke." Naruto made a few quick seals behind his back. "Have you taken a close look at the cover of Kakashi's book?"

"What do you mean?" Sasuke demanded. "What about his perverted book?"

"Just look at the cover," Naruto suggested.

"Fine," Sasuke agreed. The boy got up from his seat and walked over to his sensei and paled in shock.

"Well?" Naruto asked when his teammate returned.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sasuke stammered.

"Didn't know he was reading the Yaoi edition huh?" Naruto asked. "Puts a whole new spin on that one on one training."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it," Sasuke stubbornly maintained.

"Ok," Naruto agreed. "Just thought I'd give you a warning . . . what are teammates for after all."

That should put an end to all those personal lessons, Naruto thought to himself with a satisfied smile. His eyes widened as Sasuke eagerly obeyed Kakashi's summons and the two went off for their private time. 

"Or not?" He said to himself. "You think you know someone. Hey Kakashi sensei, what are we supposed to do?"

"Why don't you two take the day off?" Kakashi suggested. "You deserve to have a break."

"But what about training?" Naruto asked weakly.

"No amount of training could help a loser like you," Sasuke said with a smirk.

"Yeah you idiot," Sakura agreed.

Kakashi considered and discarded the idea of calling his student back as Naruto's shoulders dropped in disappointment. It really was for the best to give Sasuke all his attention, he told himself again as he watched Naruto walk away. Every second he could give to his most precious student strengthened the village ten times more then a second wasted on his other two.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto knew that he couldn't let his teammates keep belittling him like that, after all how would people respect a Hokage that didn't stand up for himself. The only problem was that Sasuke was too strong, it was a bitter pill to swallow but Naruto could admit that fact . . . if only to himself. What to do? He wondered to himself, if only being a ninja was like playing jokes on people. Sasuke would never know what hit him, he might have the edge on ninja skills but when it came to pranks, Naruto was a master.

His mind made up, Naruto set about the task of planning his next operation. They would pay he cackled o himself, oh yes they would pay.

IIIIIIIIII

"This next jutsu . . ." Kakashi trailed off. What was that strange look in the boy's eye? "As I was saying, this next Jutsu allows you cover your had with lightning. It isn't very useful on it's own but . . ." There was that look again. "But it helps to learn other lighting Jutsu if you master this one first."

"Are we going to be doing any sparring today?" Sasuke asked dully. "I think I need more practice with my grappling."

"Uh . . . no, no grappling today."

"Un."

"Right then . . . The first thing you need to do is . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"What is it Naruto?" The Hokage asked kindly.

"I was just wondering," Naruto began with a poorly concealed smile. "Can anyone pay for a mission?"

"Yes," the old man agreed. "Anyone, even you."

"Then I want to hire Konoha to do something for me," Naruto said grandly. "So long as Team Seven gets the mission."

"What is it Naruto?" The Hokage asked with a sigh.

"First, I wanna know if there's a discount for only using a partial team?"

"You mean if you were to give your sensei a day off or have one of your teammates do the same?"

"Yeah," Naruto agreed.

"Hmmm." To be frank, he was impressed with the boy's cunning. It was brilliant, assign a long mission to himself and the girl. It was the perfect way of going on a date with a reluctant teammate. "Sure," he said with a smile. "I'll only charge you a bowl of ramen."

"Really?" Naruto squeaked. "You're the greatest old man."

"So what's this mission you want assigned?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Gai."

"Yes my eternal rival," Gai agreed.

"I need your advice," Kakashi sighed. "I think one of my students just came on to me . . ."

"So young Sakura has entered the spring time of her youth," Gai said loudly. "You must remember to let her down gently so that . . ."

"Not Sakura," Kakashi corrected. "Sasuke."

"What?" Gai asked flatly. "Why are you asking me about this?"

"Well you are gay," Kakashi replied. "Aren't you?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Well, the green spandex. The fact that you constantly work out, the way you hug that student of yours," Kakashi ticked off reasons.

As Gai stammered denials, Kakashi came to two conclusions. The first was that coming to Gai had been a mistake and the second was that he'd just pretend like nothing had happened and hope that everything went back to normal.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto slept in the next day and made the short walk to the Hokage's office around an hour before his teacher would normally show up to meet them.

"Hi Kakashi sensei," he said cheerfully.

"No mission today Naruto," Kakashi said. "Why don't you take another day off."

"Ok," Naruto agreed. He ignored the angry secretary and burst into the old man's office. "Ready to go get our Ramen now?"

"Let me just grab my hat," the old man said.

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura shot another glance at her favorite teammate as she waited for her other teammate and their instructor to show. Where was that moron? She wondered to herself, it wasn't like him to be so late. Maybe . . . maybe he was staying away to give her more time with Sasuke? If that were true then she'd have to thank him . . . in a way that made it clear that she had absolutely no intrest in him.

"You're late," she screamed when she noticed her instructor watching them with an odd expression on his face.

"Sorry I'm late but . . . "

"Liar."

"Where's Naruto?" Sakura demanded. "That idiot's even later then you."

"He won't be taking part in this mission," Kakashi said firmly. "Our client has requested that the two of you perform this mission alone."

"Really?" Sakura said with little hearts in her eyes.

"Yes," Kakashi agreed. "And you are not to tell Naruto anything about this mission, as far as he knows you all have the day free."

"What is the mission?" Sasuke entered the conversation.

"Well . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"WHAT?"

Naruto looked up from his ramen with a smile, that'd show them for calling him a loser. "He old man, another bowl of Ramen over here . . . and I suppose my friend here could use one too."

"Thank you Naruto," Sarutobi said. "But the mission only required one bowl."

"I'm just paying for the next one in advance," Naruto explained. "Now eat up, ramen is no good if you let is sit too long."

"Right you are Naruto."

IIIIIIIIII

Meanwhile at the home for old incontinent and morbidly obese ninja, the nurse was getting ready to tell everyone the good news.

"Why'd you take me outta my room?" One of the senile old . . . that is to say patients demanded shrilly.

"I just wanted to get everyone together to tell you the good news," the nurse explained again. "A two person Gennin team is coming here today to give you all your sponge baths."

The old folks seemed to brighten up a bit at that thought.

"Also," she continued. "I've been told that they would like nothing better then to hear all your old stories. If this works out, our benefactor has promised that he'll hire the same team to come back here as many times as we like."

They all attempted to cheer but that caused their dentures to fall out. As she looked at the denture covered floor and the drool covered patients, the nurse silently thanked her savior for sparing her this fate if only for a day.

AN: I had an idea and that idea was: what if Naruto decided to prank his teammates? This was that idea, the below idea was what if Hinata was as perverted as I think she should be?

OMAKE: Hentai Hinata

"Naruto is not a loser," Hinata maintained stubbornly. "He can do the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

"So?" Anko sneered.

"Well." Hinata licked her lips as she leaned forward with a naughty grin. "Let me put it this way, Gang bang no Jutsu."

"You make a good point kid . . . would you be willing to share?"

"He also has a lot of stamina," Hinata added with a blush. The girl turned red and began giggling and hugging herself. "Ohhh."

"About sharing," Anko tried to interject. "Well?"

"Hehehehehe."

"Come on, I'm dieing here. Do you know how hard it is to get a date when you're known as the Sadistic Snake Bitch?"

"Hmmm?" Hinata snapped out of her fantasies and gave the matter some though. "Well . . . I suppose Naruto is too much for just one woman . . . ok."

"Thanks kid, you won't regret this."


	6. Warufuzake no Jutsu 02

Disclaimer: I'm not a big fan of the series but it does have a lot of potential. Most of what I know about it was from when I was living in Japan, not sure if there were any big changes when they translated it as I haven't seen much of the translated series.

**Warufuzake** no Jutsu 02

While Sakura and her object of affection were exploring every nook and cranny of the senile old crones, Team Gai had gathered for their daily training and mission meeting. Gai looked pensive as he called for the meeting to begin.

Gai turned to his team. "Tell me, my youthful students, do I seem gay?"

"Hai, sensei! You are the gayest man I know. No matter what happens you are always upbeat and striving to do more. You are the picture of youthful passion!" Lee shouted, beaming.

Gai shook his head. "I mean in the manner of a male that seeks other males for close companionship rather then women."

Neji froze and did his best to fade into the background. It is not my fate to get involved in this discussion. Fate don't fail me now!'

Tenten shrugged. "I think the spandex and eyebrows are seen as a bit of a turnoff, plus we never see you flirting with women."

Gai scratched his chin thoughtfully. "The spandex and eyebrows are a turnoff. It's why I wear them. I'd never have the time to train if I couldn't repel women while at work. I've never found the need to flirt. I simply walk into a bar and say my pickup line if I desire female companionship."

"Really, Gai sensei? " Lee asked hopefully.

"What, you only have one pickup line?" Tenten stared incredulously.

"Of course. Why would I need more then one when the one always works?"

Neji stopped trying to become one with the background and leaned forward curiously.

"Gai sensei, I do mean to sound unyouthful, but if I don't get the chance to spend some time with some females in a manner involving close contact other then fighting there is the definite possibility that I may shatter all my gates and impregnate half of the village. May I please know the line you use?" Lee asked intently.

"Of course, my youthful student. I'm sorry I didn't tell you it before, it was an unforgivable lapse on my part. Simply walk into the nearest bar and say, "I can do a hundred push ups with my tongue. Anyone wanna see? The girls will flock to you like Naruto to ramen."

"Hai, Gai-Sensi!" Lee radiated energy, seeming to vibrate in place. "I must go test this technique."

The flare of chakra gates opening blinded everyone and when they blinked their vision clear, Lee was gone.

Neji snorted. "And what will happen when they discover he can't do 100 push ups with his tongue?"

Gai shrugged. "After 20 push ups they usually shred whatever you are wearing and jump you, so it's really never come up. Lee is a hard worker, but he still can only do 95 before tiring. I have faith that he will manage to get 100 before the year is out, so a little fib really isn't that unyouthful."

Tenten stood there drool leaking from the corner of her mouth with a glazed look in her eyes. "N-Ninety f-f-five?"

Neji stared. "That is part of the youthful training regiment you two do after the team meetings?"

Gai nodded. "Of course. It is only fitting that as your Jonin I do my best to help you succeed in life and picking up women is one of the things all young males should know."

"I am blazing with the power of youth!" Neji shouted. "Time to train!"

"Neji, your blazing youthful energy has finally relieved." Gai shouted with tears flowing down his cheeks. "How I have waited for this day."

"N-Ninety f-f-five?" Tenten agreed with glazed eyes.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was a bit concerned when he started the team meeting. Sakura and Sasuke stared at him with flat dead eyes, eyes he'd last seen during the last Ninja war, eyes that had seen too much.

"So . . . how did the mission go?"

"It's too soon," Sakura sobbed. "Don't make me remember that."

"Moving right along, it must have gone well because our client contracted the two of you to do it again today . . . isn't that nice?"

IIIIIIIIII

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Anko looked up from her dango and giggled at the sound of someone screaming in unimaginable pain. After making a mental note to track down and compare notes with whoever was responsible, she turned back to her meal noting that food always tasted much better when accompanied by the sound of a spirit breaking.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was surprised to find a note pinned to his door. "Hmmmm, 'if you're not on a mission with your other two students then you can train your third. If you can't train your third, then you can find out what happened to your first two.' That seems clear enough," he mused to himself. "Now, where would Naruto be at this time of day?"

It didn't take long for Kakashi to find his wayward student and the boy's reaction to learning that he was going to be trained shot a little spike of guilt into Kakashi's heart, he wasn't that bad . . . was he?

"You're really going to train me?" Naruto cheered.

"I really am," Kakashi agreed. He fingered the note in his pocket, no way was he going to find out what had broken the spirits of his other two students. "We'll start with . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

"Five," Gai counted. "One more my youthful student."

"Mumph."

"Six . . . what was that?"

"I wanted to know how you dealt with the taste," Neji replied.

"Just close your eyes and think of something else," Gai advised. "Five minutes rest and we'll try it again."

"Wha . . ." Neji paused as he remembered what had happened before. "Yes Gai sensei."

AN: dogbertcarroll wrote the meeting for Team Gai, did a good job too. Not a very long chapter, but I did add an omake . . .

Omake: A different Hinata

Unnoticed, Hinata's hands formed several seals as Neji ordered her to surrender.

"I . . . I can't beat you in a fair fight brother," Hinata admitted nervously.

"You're giving up then?"

"N . . . no," Hinata stammered. "I cheated. I . . . I had one of my teammates use one of his insects to poison you before the match. Please . . . give up before the damage is perminant." No one could doubt the sincerity of Hinata's last statement.

"Byaku . . . urk." Neji tasted bile.

"Please," Hinata begged. "Give up, you don't have much time left."

"Byakugan." Neji took a menacing step towards his cousin.

"Here," Hinata sobbed. A small glass vile appeared in her hand. "Take it, I don't care about the fight I just don't want you to get hurt."

Neji snatched the vile out of her hand and closed his eyes as a dizzy spell hit. Popping off the cork with his hand, he downed the contents.

"You are within the field of my . . . of my."

Hinata smiled as her cousin toppled to the ground. "Based on the dose, I'd say that he'll wake up in a day or two."

"You know it's against the rules for your teammates to interfere right?" Hayate asked with a cough.

"Genjutsu," Hinata explained. "And I didn't start it until after the match had begun."

"Nice work kid."

AN: Look at who Hinata's teacher is, a simple genjutsu to make him taste bile and feel a bit dizzy placed on him when he's not paying attention . . .


	7. Motivation

Disclaimer: Everybody needs a hobby and who am I to judge?

Motivation

"Excuse me," Sasuke said dully as he walked into the turkish bath. "But do you have a bulletin board that I can post a message on?"

"Sure," the man behind the counter agreed. "But I don't think this is your kind of place Uchiha sama."

"Why not?" Sasuke demanded. "And my name is not Uchiha, it is . . . Sakura."

"Sakura?"

"Yes," Sasuke agreed. "Sakura, I have pink hair and nothing to do with Sasuke Uchiha . . . understand?"

"Sure," the man agreed. "Whatever you say kid."

Sasuke walked up to the bulletin board and posted a small message containing his description and a notation promising a good time in the Uchiha district . . . and another that assured the reader that it had nothing to do with Sasuke Uchiha at all. With a smile of Anticipation, Sasuke walked out of the

bath and into an alley.

Naruto giggled as he dropped the henge, this was gonna be fun. He was more then a bit disappointed to find out that his little stunt hadn't resulted in the dramatic confrontation that he had hoped for. In fact, as far as he could tell no one had even answered the fake ad. Sighing at another missed opportunity to send a bit of pay back in the direction of his team mate, Naruto forgot about his little stunt until he heard the rumors that he'd accidentally spawned . . .

"I should have known," Ino sighed in disappointment. "No boy is that pretty."

"Called that one," Kiba said with a satisfied grin. "Eh' Akamaru?"

"Arf."

"Kakashi's youthful student has finally discovered the spring time of his youth," Gai declared loudly. "Though not in a manner that I would choose."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Lee added quickly.

"Of course not," Gai agreed.

"They can't be true," Sakura sobbed. "They just can't be . . . maybe I could get him to agree to an open relationship."

"He must be after Naruto," Hinata said fearfully. "No one can resist Naruto."

"Hinata . . . Hinata . . . HINATA."

"Y . . . yes sensei?" Hinata asked timidly.

"Hinata, about your match."

"What is it sensei?"

"If you win," the Genjutsu mistress licked her lips. "I'll set you up on a date with Naruto."

"R . . . really?" The shy girl asked hopefully.

"Really . . . and if you beat Neji badly enough, I'll set you up on more then one."

Her nervousness melted and Hinata was ready, nay eager to begin her match. No one paid much attention to the start of the match, Neji gave a speech about fate and Hinata seemed to be lost in a day dream that involved a lot of blushing and giggling. People began taking notice when the shy little Hyuuga dodged her cousin's strikes, responded with several of her own, and threw him to the ground.

"What's my name?" Hinata screamed at the badly beaten Neji.

"What?"

"I said." Hinata punched the boy in the back of the head. "Say my name bitch."

"Hinata," Neji sobbed. "It's Hinata."

The whole crowd watched speechless as Hinata had thoroughly owned her cousin Neji with the use of several completely unknown techniques like Bitch-Slap-No-Jutsu and The-Nutcracker-Suite. The only voice that could be heard cheering for her was Naruto, who had shown a surprising appreciation for a violent Hinata, as he loved to see the underdog win and Neji was asking for a beat down in his opinion anyway.

Across the stadium, Hanabi glared at the Uzumaki, what was so special about him that captured her older sister's attention? "Byakugan . . ." Hanabi began to drool, his chakra was like some sort of visual chocolate. Soooo soothing and rich, she shivered as she contemplated spending hour upon hour just letting his presence wash over. No way was she going to let her sister hog all that to herself. After all, nanny had always said that good sisters shared everything and after watching Hinata insert a kunai into a place that caused every man in the audience to cringe . . . well, Hanabi was rethinking the whole antagonism thing.

It hadn't been at all difficult for the young girl to convince her father to set up another match with her older sister, not after seeing what had happened to Neji. But Hanabi did have to admit, if only to herself, that she was having second thoughts as the match was about to begin. For Naruto, the young girl thought to herself, so we can be together.

Hiashi sighed as he watched his two daughters square off. Even after seeing it, he wasn't sure how his oldest daughter had managed to defeat her cousin. However she managed, it didn't' seem like she was going to do it again.

"Um . . . big sister?" Hanabi began. "You know how Naruto is too much for one woman?"

"What are you saying?" Hinata growled. Automatically, Hinata's hands prepared to unleash her most devastating technique.

"Uh . . ." Hanabi gulped as her sister prepared to deal out the dreaded bitch slap no jutsu. "Nanny always said that good sisters shared everything," she added hopefully.

"Hmmmm." Hinata's eyes narrowed in thought. Damn it, why did Naruto have to be so damned irresistible. Then she began to drool as she thought just what a combination of Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and massive amounts of stamina could do to a girl. "Come with me sister," Hinata commanded. "I have something special to share with you."

Hinata led her sister to the hide she'd constructed in the false ceiling over Naruto's bed one magical summer and Hanabi gazed down in wonder at the sleeping boy.

"It's even better when he's asleep," Hanabi purred.

"It's because he's not trying to control his chakra," Hinata explained. "It just sort of . . . runs wild."

"I love you Hinata," Hanabi said tearfully, moved beyond words that her older sister had chosen to share something like this with her.

"And I love you too Hanabi," Hinata replied. Happy that she and her sister were finally getting along, who'd have thought that all it would take was a shared hobby?

The days passed until finally, Hinata was on the date that her teacher had promised her. It was everything she dreamed it would be. First Naruto had taken her to get Ramen and loudly talked about himself and how he'd become Hokage and then they'd wandered around town as Naruto proclaimed to the world how awesome he was . . . it was every girl's dream come true until . . .

"Hey Naruto," Sakura growled. "Where have you been?"

"Um . . . N . . . Naruto," Hinata began shyly. "I need to have a private word with Sakura for a few minutes . . . m . . . maybe you could get us all some drinks?"

"Ok Hinata," Naruto shouted. "I'll be right back."

"Th . . . thank you Naruto," Hinata stammered at the boy's retreating back.

"Really," Sakura said in confusion. "I don't understand what you see in him." Hinata turned and the expression on her face caused Sakura to take a couple hesitant steps back. Suddenly the world blurred and Sakura found herself at what appeared to be the bottom of a well with Hinata looking down at her from above.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto scratched his chin in confusion as he inspected the array of beverages on sale wondering which one Hinata would like. Kurenai had taken several hours to impress onto him just how he was supposed to have on the date she'd arranged for him, but for some reason she had neglected to mention what he should get if he was sent to buy drinks. Shrugging in confusion, Naruto grabbed an assortment of bottles and carried them to the counter.

IIIIIIIIII

"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it get's the hose again."

"I'm sorry I interrupted your date with Naruto," Sakura sobbed "Can I go home now?"

"It does what it's told," Hinata hissed.

Anko grinned sadistically as she watched. Hinata had learned Genjutsu from Kurenai but Anko was the one who taught her how to make it effective and she was proud of her pupil.

Sakura almost broke into tears when the rock walls of the well dissolved and she once again found herself standing on a street corner with Hinata.

"Listen here bitch," Hinata hissed. "Naruto is mine. You try to take him from me, I take your life from you . . . understand?"

"Y. . . y . . . y . . . yes," Sakura managed to squeak.

"Good," she purred.

"There you guys are," Naruto called out. "I've been looking all over for you two."

"S . . . sorry Naruto," Hinata said with a blush. "W . . . we were j . . . just having a little girl talk."

"I didn't know what you liked so I got one of everything," Naruto said as he proudly displayed his purchases. "Do you want some Sakura?"

"Um . . . Sakura said she had to be somewhere else right now," Hinata said timidly. "RIGHT?"

"Yes," Sakura agreed quickly. "I'll talk to you later Naruto," she screamed over her shoulder as she ran off with all the speed her legs could muster.

"I wonder what that was all about?" Naruto asked himself with a frown of confusion. "Oh well."

IIIIIIIIII

"What's Naruto look like?"

The squeaky voice caused Kakashi to spin around. "Wha?"

"Does Naruto look like a bitch?" Hanabi demanded.

"Hmmm?" Kakashi looked down at the little Hyuuga in confusion.

"Do you think Naruto is a bitch?"

"No?" Kakashi replied, still a bit mystified by the fact that a little girl had managed to sneak into his apartment.

"Then why you trying to fuck him like a bitch?" Hanabi growled.

"Huh?"

"Here's how I see things," Hanabi continued. "You're gonna dump that Uchiha bastard ta teach my Naruto how ta win this exam . . . got it?"

"Why don't you . . . ouch, damn it." Kakashi rubbed his shin where the little girl had kicked him. "Stop that . . . ouch . . . ouch."

"I can do this all day," Hanabi growled in a cute voice that completely ruined the effect. Kakashi sighed, there was no way he could win this. If he used his superior skills to subdue the child then he'd be seen as an evil bastard, if he lost . . . well, that was just as bad. Maybe he should take that month long training trip out of town after all.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hi Hinata," Naruto shouted as he ran up to her. "Are you ready for our date?"

"Y . . . yes Naruto," Hinata agreed. "You . . . you're looking very handsome today."

Naruto basked in the attention Hinata was paying to him. She was so different from his long time crush, she didn't hit him and since she had talked to Sakura, Sakura didn't hit him anymore either. Though he did wonder why his long term crush kept mumbling something about lotion and the importance of doing what she was told, Naruto set his curiosity aside in favor of more important things.

IIIIIIIIII

Finally the third part of the exam started and everyone leaned forward in anticipation as the fight between the last 'loyal' Uchiha and the Desert Typhoon (as the book makers had labeled them). They waited . . . and waited . . . and waited until . . .

God damn it, Naruto thought to himself. Where is that bastard? He listened in disgust as they debated what to do, any other nin would have been disqualified by now but noooo, not Konoha's golden boy.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," he whispered under his breath. Not on his watch, Sasuke would be treated the same as everyone else if Naruto had anything to say about it.

"I quit," every eye turned to stare at the last Uchiha who had just walked in with his teacher. "He's too strong for me."

"It's ok Sasuke," Kakashi consoled his student. "You wanna go watch a gladiator movie in my apartment?"

"But I wanted to hear about your time in a Turkish prison again," Sasuke pleaded.

"Why don't we do both?" Kakashi suggested with thumbs up and a grin that rivaled Gai's.

"Ok," Sasuke agreed and the two of them walked out of the arena, leaving a shocked audience behind.

"Take that bastard," Naruto giggled to himself. He couldn't wait to see the look on Sasuke's face when he found out that he'd been disqualified, they'd probably still let the bastard in but it would still be a memory that Naruto would treasure to his grave.

IIIIIIIIII

"It really wasn't me," Sasuke protested after he'd finally arrived. "I just got here."

"Second thoughts about dropping out huh? Well too bad, you did it and you have to live with the consiquences."

"It must have been an illusion," Sasuke whined. "Listen to me, I just got here."

"It's true," Kakashi agreed.

"An illusion hmmm? Well then, why don't you introduce me to this person who can do illusions good enough to fool several Kage level ninja . . ."

"Uh . . ."

"Thought so," the examiner replied. It was a shinobi exam after all, such a feat would almost guarantee a promotion to whom ever pulled it off.

"I saw nothing out of sorts," the head of the Hyuuga family volunteered. Causing his daughter's frowns to turn into smiles. Getting to put one over on the upstart Uchihas and look like a hero to his daughters, damn I'm good. The man thought to himself as he watched the protesting boy leave the stadium.

IIIIIIIIII

"So the Hyuuga girls like your youthful student?" Gai shouted.

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed. "He's like candy to them."

AN: Bother me not with holes in the plot, heh had to add that little rhyme. Thanks go to dogbertcarroll for a bit of the above.

Omake by dogbertcarroll

Kabuto helped a severely beaten Orochimaru escape the village. "Are you ok, master? What happened to you?"

The snake sanin tried to come up with a convincing excuse for his condition. "The third sealed my arms." 'Like it's possible to seal part of a person, but I hope he buys it, letting people know I was

owned by a genin would ruin my reputation.'

-Flashback No Jutsu-

"You can make out with Sasuke all you want, give him hickeys . . . whatever, but you touched my property. You fondled my Naruto's stomach and for that you will pay!"

8888888888888888888888888888

Orochimaru shivered. He wasn't planning on approaching the Kyubi child ever again least he do something else that could be misinterpreted by that she-demon.

My Omake that goes with the above

Kakashi limped out of the hospital holding a rubber doughnut in his hands. On the plus side, the medics had said that with a bit of surgery and some healing jutsus that there'd be a good chance that he could someday enjoy a normal bowel movement. Mourning the loss of his beloved book, Kakashi resolved to apologies to his student and do his best to forget the . . . incident where the demon girl had expressed the displeasure she felt about the events of the Gennin exam, specifically one Taijutsu technique that he'd chosen to use.

Omake for Warufuzake no Jutsu 02 by dogbertcarroll

Itachi gave Sasuke an emotionless stare. "You are foolish to think that you could face me with the meager training as you have acquired so far, little brother."

Sasuke grin carried more then a hint of insanity. "Mangekyou!"

Itachi paused, surprised that his sibling had already reached the final level. "So you used the mental stress of killing your best friend to achieve the Mangekyou Sharingan. Maybe I was wrong, maybe  
you aren't as soft as I thought."

Unlike Itachi's pupils, that had a simple shurikan design, Sasuke's pupils were an obscenely bright pink and sported a slowly rotating pinwheel.

Sasuke's laugh was without humor. "No brother, killing wasn't needed at all. In fact, my 'best friend'," Sasuke made little air quotes with his fingers. "Still lives, unfortunately. He arranged for me to undergo something unspeakable... repeatedly. It's not the killing that activates the final level, it's mental stress and Naruto proved to me that there are things far worse then death."

Itachi began to sweat. What situation could be so horrific as to equal the stress of killing your closest companion?

But Sasuke hadn't finished speaking just yet. "And then my other teammate took advantage of my weakened state and showed me things that would make demons cringe. I no longer fear dying or even hell itself. At this point it would be a vacation from what my life has become."

"Tsukuyomi!" Itachi caught Sasuke's gaze and subjected him to 72 hours of the most horrific torture imaginable, by him anyway.

Sasuke chuckled. "That's what you consider torture? I almost pity you. I had spent weeks undergoing... unspeakable things thanks to Naruto and I actually am thankful for that, because if he hadn't put me  
through all that I never would have survived what my teammate showed me with my sanity intact."

Itachi turned as Sasuke slowly circled him, his manic grin even more insane then it had been.

"Sakura-Tsukuyomi!" Sasuke subjected his brother to what he himself had been through.

Seconds later it was over. Itachi curled up in a fetal position and muttered to himself over and over, "Pink, too pink, unhealthy pink, not possible!"

He would never recover. 


	8. Anko's Boyfriend

Disclaimer: Somewhat choppy . . . make that VERY choppy. Notice that I used all caps for emphasis, I'm fairly sure that's one of the things that all the good books on writing tell you to never do.

Anko's Boyfriend

Anko growled in frustration as she got turned down yet again. First she can't get a date because of who her master IS and then, after she's finally out from under his thumb, she can't get a date because of who he WAS. Dirty traitor, yet another thing he'd done to ruin her life.

I mean, the seal was one thing, but keeping me from getting laid?! He'll pay for this!' She thought grimly.

You'd think guys would be interested in a girl who had a technique to deep throat a katana, or one that would make her tongue six inches long and prehensile. But noooo, they were all blinded by the thought of who her teacher was. You'd think it would be easy to lose her cherry in a village full of horny bastards . . . life just wasn't fair.

"Only way you'll get a boyfriend is if you grow one in a box or something," one of the duller girls said cruelly.

Hmmmm, Anko thought to herself. Raise my own boyfriend, find one young enough not to have any bad habits and train him until he's old enough . . . but who?

"You'll never get me suckers," Naruto shouted over his shoulder as he did his best to escape his latest victims. "Bwahahahaha. "

"That's it," Anko said happily. "No one cares about the jinchuuriki, he's starved for attention, so he'll latch onto the first person who shows him any affection, and if he's got that much stamina now . . . heh heh."

Some time later . . .

"Ten, eleven, twelve . . . twelve . . . . keep trying." Anko smirked. Naruto had managed to pick up the technique to lengthen his tongue fairly easily and he currently had it wrapped around a chin up bar. "You're not coming down until you do fifteen tongue pull ups," Anko said firmly. "Now get up there gaki, only three more." Anko shivered as she thought about how much fun they were going to have together in a few years. "Do it and I'll teach you something cool."

"'elly?" Naruto mumbled, as he hadn't quite mastered speaking clearly while doing the jutsu yet.

"Yep. I know a jutsu that speeds up your reflexes, by using chakra to stimulate your nerves and as a nice little side effect it makes your recovery time almost instantaneous, as long as you have the chakra to power it." She drooled a little as she considered the fact that, unlike most Jonin, he actually had the reserves to use it!

Elsewhere . . .

Sarutobi wasn't quite sure how to react to the more then slightly unbalanced girl's plans for the Kyubi container. While it was true that the girl's intentions were mostly benign, he couldn't help but feel a surge of jealousy every time he thought of Naruto's situation. The Hokage growled as he watched the busty girl train the village pariah, no boy should be that lucky.

Life quickly fell into a routine for the odd 'couple.' Anko spent nearly every available free moment with Naruto in order to train him in the ways of the ninja . . . well, some of the ways of the ninja anyway.

"Anko?"

"What is it Naruto?"

"Will you ever teach me that jutsu that lets you swallow a sword?"

"No and I don't want you to ever think about learning again," Anko said harshly. Damn it, the little brat was gonna be her boyfriend and she wasn't going to all this trouble just so her old teacher could get the brat for himself. "Understand. "

"Yes," he agreed. No, he thought glumly.

Anko sighed as she saw that not only didn't he understand, but he was also disappointed. "It's the kind of thing Sasuke would learn and no male that learns that jutsu should be trusted." She told him, knowing just what buttons to push.

"Really? He looked at her thoughtfully.

"You want to be Hokage, right? Well the bastard Orochimaru learned THAT jutsu and was passed over for Hokage, despite being the snake sanin. They decided that the Yellow Flash was much more manly than he was and made HIM Hokage."

Determination blazed in Naruto's eyes. "I swear, I will become the manliest man in all the village!"

"That the spirit!"

What makes a man the manliest?' Naruto thought to himself, before deciding he'd have to do a little research on the subject.

Later, at the hot springs…

Naruto leaned back in the water and relaxed. His newly invented sexy jutsu seemed to have done the trick. The girls were talking about how manly their men were and giggling and even though they talked about a lot of different things being manly there was one thing they all seemed to agree was manly.

Hmmm. I wonder if that jutsu can be used in other ways."

After some training…

"Anko look," Naruto called out. He proudly held up a hand with fifteen inch fingers, thinking about what the girls had said about big hands being manly.

"You figured out a way to adapt the tongue extending technique for other appendages?" Anko asked, she was impressed and then a thought hit her. "Uh . . . Naruto."

"Yeah?"

"Be sure to practice making all of your appendages longer and thicker." she ordered.

"All of them?"

"Anything that dangles off your body," she agreed. "Understand? "

"Yes," he replied. No, he thought. Naruto was beginning to accept the fact that he'd never understand girls, a truth most men didn't learn till their early thirties.

Wait, didn't the girls talk about dangly bits being big as a manly thing, but you had to know how to use it and be able to…' Naruto's thoughts trailed off as he went in search of a board and some six inch spikes.

Training ground 36, later that evening.

"And always remember that training is itself the goal. To be a man one must train to the utmost and never stop! Man's indomitable spirit is what you must strive for!" Gai said stoically and smiled at his young apprentice, both dressed in traditional a gi.

"Yes, Sensei! Training is its own reward!" Lee affirmed.

The two stopped as they heard a loud thunk and some young boy cussing like Anko when faced with a Dango shortage.

Curiously they stepped around a tree and saw Naruto… training.

Naruto reached down and picked up his latest success in the lengthening jutsu and slammed it hard against a spike, driving it a third of the way through a two by four, before pausing and cursing loudly enough to turn the air around him blue and then starting the whole cycle over again.

The two leaf nin slowly backed behind the tree again.

"That… that… that…" Gai stuttered.

"That youth…" Lee said in wonder.

"Yes, Youth." Guy said firmly.

"The power of youth?" Lee asked.

"YES! The power of Youth!" Gai shouted, "We have been lax in our training I see that now. But no more! Come my youthful apprentice we must learn to blaze with the power of youth!"

And after buying green spandex suits, to make their packages look bigger, the two set off to a new destiny of non-stop training and annoying those around them.

The academy, weeks later…

"Listen up," Iruka yelled, "today we're going to be learning a bit of Hojojutsu. This is important because failure to do a good job could endanger you or your team. We're lucky to have a guest instructor today who is going to help us all learn how to do this right." Kurenai chose that moment to appear in a swirl of leaves.

"Thank you Iruka," she said with a smile, "now the first thing you need to know is . . ."

"What, Naruto?"

"Sensei, you forgot at least eight ropes and five knots to do the job right!" He said thinking of the way he'd been trained in properly tying someone up.

"NARUTO!" Iruka screamed. "You are not the expert here." Naruto watched for another five minutes before closing his eyes in disgust and putting his head on his desk.

"NARUTO," Iruka yelled, "pay attention."

"Why should I?" Naruto asked in a sullen tone. "You're doing it all wrong."

"Care to show us then?" Kurenai asked in a dangerously calm voice. She knew that the brat was an orphan so he didn't have any clan techniques, she was also a bit annoyed to have her teaching skills impinged upon in front of the class. "How about a wager? If you can tie me up so I can't escape I'll . . ."

"All you can eat ramen," Naruto cheered.

"Fine," she agreed, "but if I can get out of it then I'm going to tie you up and leave you here until tomorrow morning." She wouldn't really, but he didn't know that.

"Fine," Naruto agreed, "but I'm not supposed to let anyone see my technique."

"Why don't you take the class outside for a short break then Iruka?" Kurenai suggested. "I'll show the proper way of getting out of restraints when you get back."

"Stand up and form an orderly . . ." Was as far as the poor teacher got before a mob of screaming children crowded their way out. "Oh never mind."

"Ready kid?"

"You bet," Naruto agreed, "for the ramen."

Naruto walked out to get Iruka fifteen minutes later and he was astounded by what he found when he returned to the classroom. His fellow instructor was bound and suspended from the ceiling, her arms were bound tightly around her back and the ropes around her chest did things to her breasts that captured his attention for several seconds before he managed to drag his eyes to another part of her body to find large knots strategically positioned over erogenous zones.

"Mmmph." Kurenai tried to speak around the ball gag the little brat had produced from somewhere.

"Do you want me to cut you loose?" He managed to stammer. Her emphatic nods. He quickly produced a kunai and slashed the ropes.

"Thanks," Kurenai said as she rubbed her jaw, "where the hell did he learn to do that?"

"I don't know," Iruka admitted, "he shows up with strange techniques sometimes." Iruka shuddered as he remembered the tentacle no jutsu, there were things in this world that no man should see.

After being released from her bonds, Kurenai watched as the brat . . . students pored back into the classroom.

"Hey Naruto?"

"Did I win?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Yes you won," she agreed absently, "but where'd you learn those techniques?"

"My girlfriend taught me," Naruto said loudly.

"Girlfriend? " Kurenai glanced around the room, her eyes finally settling on Ino after remembering who the girl's parents were and the rumors she'd heard about them. "Starting younger and younger," she sighed, "don't you think you're a bit young to learn these things?"

"My girlfriend said that it's ok to learn these things but illegal to do them," Naruto explained. Anko had screamed something similar every time he mastered one of her techniques . . . followed by lots of cursing and occasionally she'd leave for an hour or so and come back looking tired.

"Well . . . just don't do anything too drastic until you get older."

"Okay," Naruto agreed. He still had no idea what the crazy lady was talking about but he thought it was best to humor her.

Later still . . .

Anko growled . . . that little Hyuuga slut was eyeing her future man again . . . well, she thought the little Hyuuga slut was eyeing her future man anyway, it was always hard to tell with that clan. Bunch of dirty voyeurs, she thought to herself . . . although . . . maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the little bitch just watched. Anko grinned at the thought, actually it was a bit of a turn on, especially since she'd never know when the brat was using those freaky eyes of hers. On second thought, so long as the Hyuuga kept her hands to herself then all would be well in the world.

Little did she know that Hinata was indeed eyeing her man, quite frequently in fact, as she had caught the tail end of one of his hammering' sessions. Hinata, being no fool had quickly manipulated all the other girls in class into going after the emo-boy, Sas… something or other, figuring if they weren't skilled enough to realize how… talented Naruto was, it was best that they learned to deal with disappointment men and after using her bloodline, she knew the emo-avenger was a very disappointing example.

Anko frowned as she thought about what to teach the kid next . . . perhaps some form of Bunshin? Anko smiled in anticipation as she thought about using a three way no jutsu rather than having to share. Mud Bunshin were just messy . . . lube Bunshin maybe . . . no, better stick with a variant that was capable of independent thought.

"What are you gonna teach me today Anko?" Naruto asked, looking up at her with innocent blue eyes.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," Anko replied. "It'll make it so there's more of you." Anko drooled at the thought of experiencing the three way no jutsu . . . or even the legendary gang bang no jutsu. "Now be a good boy and learn it quickly so we can move on to something else."

"Ok Anko," Naruto agreed cheerfully.

After Kakashi's bell test . . .

"So," Anko purred causing Kakashi to shudder. "You like to play insertion games do you?" Kakashi winced when he saw the look on her face, how was he supposed to know that she'd befriended the little brat?

The Next day, Team Seven was surprised to find someone waiting for them at their meeting place.

"Anko," Naruto screamed happily.

"Hey Naruto," Anko replied. "Looks like I'm gonna be your new teacher."

"What happened to the other guy?" Naruto asked. "The one with the stupid mask?"

"Him?" Anko giggled. "He's in the hospital getting intimately acquainted with the villages' best proctologists. "

"Prok . . . pr . . . uh . . ."

"Ass Doctors," Anko explained.

Far away, a trio of proctologists were staring in fascination at Kakashi's poor and severely abused posterior.

"Do you know how she managed to get the pineapple up without breaking it?" One finally asked.

AN: Twist on the whole Naruto gets a teacher plot. Anko finds him and teaches him all sorts of potentially perverted Jutsu while waiting for him to grow up. Hojojutsu is the art of tying people up, often (incorrectly) called Shibari if you're using Japanese, you'll get much more interesting pictures if you google Shibari though since the term has been adopted to mean the more perverted ways of tying up a person. Thanks go to dogbertcarroll who rewrote a lot of this and AlanP for a couple parts and the idea to give Naruto a whole new reason to work on rope tying skills.

Just a Few Omake

Omake: Gimp

Anko Growled at the Ramen girl as she flirted with Naruto, how dare that bit . . . on the other hand, what bondage dungeon was complete without a gimp? Anko giggled happily as she skipped merrily towards the Hokage's tower. Incidentally, this uncharacteristic display convinced three of Orochimaru's agents that they'd been made and that their master's former student was imagining all the horrible things she'd be permitted to inflict on them after they'd been taken into custody. One took pills, another cut his wrists, and the third elected to hang herself. Konoha had just scored a major counter intelligence triumph and they'd never know it.

"Hey old man," Anko called out as she strolled into the Hokage's office, "I want to hire a Gennin team for a D ranked construction mission."

"What's the mission?" The Hokage asked. "You need a new fence or something?"

"Nah, I need them to construct a bondage dungeon under my tea room."

"A . . . what?"

"Bondage dungeon," Anko said cheerfully, "isn't it great? I got the plans from Ibiki in exchange for . . . well, on second thought. You don't even want to know what that guy's into." Anko considered herself a fairly open minded girl, more and more so as the years passed without any action, but there were somethings that even she found off putting.

In his office at the heart of the Torture and Interrogation section. Ibiki carefully arranged his new tea set around the table, being sure to put a cup and saucer in front of each of his stuffed animals and another in front of a very freaked out missing nin.

"How do you take your tea?" He asked in his cutest voice.

Back with Anko and the Hokage . . .

"I suppose I could take that mission," Sarutobi agreed reluctantly, "um . . ."

"And be sure there's enough room for several people," Anko continued, "and at least one live in gimp."

IIIIIIIIII

"I love it," Ayame squealed, "but where are the others?"

"Others?" Anko asked dumbly.

"Every proper bondage dungeon has at least three gimps," Ayame lectured. " One on the wall hanging by their wrists naked, one tied to a rack, and at least one in Hojojutsu on a wooden horse with nipple clamps and a bondage mask that holds her mouth open as her arms are held behind her back strait in arm-binders."

"Oh . . . I didn't know that," Anko admitted in shame.

Another Omake

Omake: Jailbait

Anko watched in horror as her old teacher disrupted the Chunin exams. Due to a rather obscure village law, Chunin and Jonin were legally considered adults no matter what their actual age rather then the normal sixteen for Gennin and civilians. And now . . . now her old teacher had disrupted the exam, ruining Naruto's chances for promotion and Anko's chances to finally get some.

"GRAWWWWWWWW," she screamed in rage as she ran towards her old teacher, killing everything that got in her way. By his actions, Orochimaru had prevented Anko from becoming a real woman and she would make him beg for death.

IIIIIIIIII

"What's wrong sensei?" Orochimaru asked in a silky voice. "Getting . . ." He shuddered as a feeling of unspeakable dread rushed through his body.

Seizing his chance, the Hokage did what all truly great fighters do when their opponent is distracted.

"Wooo Pah," Sarutobi screamed as he put an end to his former student.

Anko arrived just in time to see her former master fall. "He's dead," she said dully, "he's dead and now I don't have anyone to work out my frustrations on." Anko screamed.

"You know what?" Sarutobi asked nervously. "I think Naruto's actions today prove that he has what it takes to be promoted to Chunin . . . so by order of the Hokage he's a Chunin and thus a legal adult."

"Really?" Anko asked with sparkling eyes.

AN: Might have to revisit this story some time, needs a LOT of polish and filler to be a real story. As it is it's a bunch of scenes loosely tied together and a couple Omake.


	9. Mission to Wave

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with your monitor. We control the vertical, we control the horizontal . . . 

Mission to Wave

Excepting times of war, all Gennin had to suffer through a number of humiliating and dirty missions to sharpen their teamwork . . . the fact that it also got a number of dirty jobs done cheaply was something no one talked about. 

"Ok," Anko shouted, "mission time."

"Alright," Naruto cheered, "what are we going to do?"

"You are going to rub my shoulders while I supervise and they pump that septic tank."

"Septic tank?" Sakura squeaked. 

"I talked the Hokage into triple pay since no one else wanted the job," Anko added proudly, "now get to work. Come on Naruto, we don't want to be up wind when they open that thing up."

Ok Anko," Naruto agreed cheerfully, figuring out the hidden message Anko had given him (She hadn't). Concentrating he carefully created noseless clones, screwing up clone jutsu by the thousands had taught him almost as much as the forbidden scroll, to assist his teammates. 'She's a great sensei, I'm sure no one else has to figure out riddles to do their job.'

The students suffered through their first mission . . . 

"Hurry up you brats," Anko yelled at her other two students. "Don't be afraid to get dirty." She moaned in contentment as Naruto found another knot in her back, she really had been working too hard lately. "Sooner you get done with this mission the sooner we can go home and have dinner and the sooner you two can wash all that muck off." Nodding in satisfaction at the slightly quickened pace, Anko closed her eyes and allowed Naruto's magic fingers to do their stuff. 

And it affected them in ways they couldn't dream . . . 

"I don't want any corn," Sakura said in disgust. Pushing the plate away. 

"Why not?" Her mother asked innocently. 

"Do you have any idea of what I've seen?" Sakura demanded. "Corn is all that was left." Clutching her mouth, the girl fled. 

The next day, they continued their training . . . 

"Sparring practice," Anko announced, "Naruto you're with me." 

"Yes Anko-sensei," Naruto agreed. 

"You two work on the basics," Anko said two her less important students. "Naruto, we're going to be working on our grappling." 

"Again?"

"Practice makes perfect," she said eagerly, "and being flexible enough to twist yourself into a pretzel is fun too . . . well, it allows more variety anyway." 

"Right," Naruto said. He'd long ago learned that it was better to agree then think too hard about anything that came out of Anko's mouth when it came to simple training exercises.

To Sakura's disappointment and Sasuke's relief, Anko called it a day after only four hours of groping . . . er . . . sparring. 

"Meet me back here bright and early," Anko shouted over her shoulder as she walked into the sunset. 

"Un," Sasuke agreed, feeling a greater need for a shower then he ever had before and maybe some quality time huddled under his bed with his teddy bear, far away from anything... pink.

Sakura rushed home and dove into bed, if experience had shown her one thing it was that her new instructor's view of early was completely opposite to those held by her former instructor, but copying Anko's grappling moves on Sasuke made it all worthwhile.

Early the next morning, she reluctantly got out of bed and walked to the team meeting place and joined her other two teammates. 

"Got another mission for you brats," Anko announced herself. "You too Naruto." 

"Yay," Naruto cheered. "What is it?"

"Well you remember your old teacher?" Anko asked. "The one with the stupid mask?"

"Uh huh." Naruto's face scrunched up as he attempted to remember the man's name. "Kenny?"

"Close enough. We've been assigned to clean his apartment while he's recovering from his sphincter reconstruction surgery. Once again . . ."

"You got another bonus?" Naruto asked eagerly. "You're the best Anko." 

"You know it," Anko agreed, "they already sent two Gennin teams in to take care of most of the mess so it shouldn't be too difficult to take care of the rest." 

"What'd left for us?" Sakura asked nervously. 

"Bathroom, fridge, and the dishes in the sink." Anko replied. None of which had been cleaned for decades. "Oh, and we have to empty the garbage can next to his bed." Which was filled with slightly used wads of kleenex. "Easy money." 

"That doesn't sound so bad," Sakura said optimistically. 

"That's the spirit," Anko cheered. "Naruto, you're with me on this one," Anko said seriously, "we're going to nap under that tree while they take care of the unimportant parts of our mission." 

"Right," Naruto agreed, "this will be our most difficult mission yet." He said, as he devoted his attention to quickly figuring out how to keep clones active while asleep. 'Best Sensei ever!'

"Grrr." Sakura glared at her teammate. Sure his clones did more then his fair share of the work, but it also let him escape having to scrub off odd smells and bizarre stains like her and Sasuke. 'Maybe I should offer to help him wash his back again. I'm sure his attempt to kill me last time was just a nervous reflex.'

They completed their missions and met back early the next day for training and to get their next mission. 

"What's the mission today?" Naruto was bouncing when he asked. 

"Laundry," Anko said with a shrug, "and we're lucky to get that. Sorry kids, I tried to get something more exciting but . . ."

"Don't feel bad," Naruto tried to console her, "we can't get bonus money every time." 

"Oh we're getting a bonus," Anko assured her team causing spikes of horror to shoot into the hearts of half her team. "Don't worry about that." 

"Who's laundry are we doing?" Sakura asked slowly, wondering if cleaning things with fire would be allowed, considering the... things they'd found in Kakashi's laundry basket during the last mission.

"One of my fellow instructors," Anko replied, "guy named Gai. Shouldn't be too difficult, all his outfits are identical." And soaked in sweat and possibly growing things on it. 

"Oh . . ." Sakura said, experience had shown her that the 'bonus' missions were much more horrific then one might think at first. "Um . . . Anko sensei?"

"What is it?"

"Would it be possible to go with you to choose our mission tomorrow?" Sakura asked hopefully. 

"Un," Sasuke agreed. 

"If you want," Anko agreed, "but it'll be really boring." 

"I like boring," Sakura said quickly. 

After repressing the memories of her latest mission, Sakura went home and reset her alarm clock for the earlier meeting time. 

The next morning, she met her team and they went into the Hokage's office to select their mission. 

"Ok," the Hokage said cheerfully. "I've got a few D rank missions you can select. There's garbage collection, sponge baths at the retirement home, babysitting, cleaning the bathroom at the porno hut . . ."

"I can't take it any longer," Sakura squealed, "give us a 'C' rank mission. Give us a mission that gets us away from this village. Away from septic tanks, away from filthy apartments, and far away from spandex." She finished with a shudder. 

"Un," Sasuke agreed with a shudder of his own. 

The Hokage glanced at Anko who was staring at Naruto with a glazed look in her eyes announcing to all that her mind was on something else. "Ahem?"

"Hmmm?" Anko tore her gaze away from her future boy toy long enough to nod at her boss. 

"Your mission," the Hokage said seriously, "should you choose to accept it is to . . ."

"Fight bandits?" Naruto guessed. "Collect dinosaur eggs? Deal with the bastard who made the 'Starship Troopers' movie and threw out everything that made the book good? Please say it was that last one." 

"None of the above," the Hokage laughed, "and we already have several Hunter Nin dealing with that last mission . . . rest assured that he'll soon learn how disappointed we were in that movie."

"Bastard needs to pay," Naruto growled. 

"Yes . . . well, your mission is to escort some transient to Wave."

"Where did a hobo get enough money to hire a mission?" Anko mused as she looked over their client, "ah well." She turned to her team. "Pack up and be at the west gate in an hour." 

"Un."

"What should we bring?" Sakura asked. 

"Whatever you want," Anko replied, "I'd recommend some food, a blanket, and a couple changes of clothes . . . oh and rope, can't be without rope." 

"Yes Anko sensei," Sakura agreed. 

"Don't go overboard on outfits," Anko advised the retreating girl, "you're being hired to guard the bum not sleep with him." Anko smirked at the girl's horrified shudder. 

They met back up at the gate and their trip to wave was uneventful except for one small incident. 

"Hey Naruto," Anko called out, "wanna see something cool?"

"You know it," Naruto agreed. 

"Watch." She wadded up several explosive notes into a ball and tossed it into the mysterious puddle. The explosion knocked them all down and Naruto watched in wonder as body parts fell from the sky. 

"Do explosive notes in puddles always make it rain blood and body parts?" Naruto asked. 

"Only when there are ninja hiding in the puddle," Anko replied absently, "let's go."

Things got exciting again after they crossed into wave and were attacked by a missing nin with a giant sword. 

"Sakura, Sasuke," Anko's voice was hard and serious. "You two do your best to defeat the missing nin." 

"Un." Despite being an Uchiha, Sasuke's little used sense of self preservation and (unknown till now) attraction to men wielding really big swords came into play, as his ego actually deflated a bit and reality asserted itself briefly in his head. 'Can I take on this muscular missing nin? Of course I can, for I am an avenger!'

The key word being 'Briefly'.

"But he's a high level missing nin," Sakura protested. "And we're just Gennin." 

"Then aren't you lucky to have a chance to face a missing nin this early," Anko said cheerfully, "I'll bet that none of your classmates have had a chance to fight any high level missing nin. Now Naruto." 

"Yes Anko?"

"Tell me again how much you like my eyes," she giggled. A sound that caused her other two students to shudder in horror. 

"Shouldn't we help them?"

"They'll be fine," Anko said dismissively, "when I was their age I'd already killed hundreds of missing nin. Now about my eyes?" The last part ended in a growl. 

Naruto shrugged. She was their sensei and she had a lot more experience with missing nin then he did, if she said they could handle him, then they could handle him, plus Anko-chan really did have nice eyes and he loved it when she smiled at him. No one in the village smiled at him the way she did.

Zabuza approached the two Gennin carefully. 'She's sending in the brats? What's going on here?'

The fight between the three was a mockery of actual combat, with Zabuza fighting defensively as he tried to draw out whatever trap he was sure he was being lead into and Sasuke was mesmerized by the missing nin's bulging muscles and big... sword, as he used all his skills to try and get Zabuza to break a sweat.

Sakura simply stood their with a kunai in hand, letting out a panicked squeal that made everyone feel like ice picks were being driven into their brain whenever either of the two got within ten feet of her.

By mutual consent neither combatant got within ten feet of her after the first couple of times.

Anko's yell of "Will someone just slit her throat already!" confused Zabuza enough that he decided she was just another trap element, because there was no way someone that appeared that weak could actually be that weak, she had to have had special training, but he wasn't going to fall for it.

Haku watched from hiding. Nothing made any sense, was Zabuza under a Genjutsu? Sneaking closer she listened to the blond haired boy read poetry to the smiling Jonin while they ignored the battle. 'That's so romantic... I wish I had someone to read poetry to me like that.'

Zabuza finally figured out the trap when he saw the dark haired boy's eye turn red (Sasuke had finally managed to activate his Sharingan under the intense pressure of trying to commit every image of a sweaty Zabuza to memory). They were toying with him to steal his jutsu!

A quick signal... sent several times until Haku actually responded (she was sighing in the bushes and pretending Naruto was reading to her) and 'killed' Zabuza whereupon she escaped with the 'corpse' for disposal, set the scene with Sakura carrying a worn out Sasuke, depleted of chakra using his newly awakened bloodline and Naruto carrying Anko, melted from his poetry reading.

IIIIIIIIII 

"And that's the situation," Sarutobi sighed, "even Naruto gets more tail then I do . . . I mean, that was the whole point of becoming the Hokage. What's the point of being the most powerful man in the village if you never get laid?"

"Um . . . paper or plastic?" The rattled check out girl asked nervously. "Sir." 

"Paper," the Hokage said. "You know . . . are you doing anything tonight?" 

"Washing my hair?" She said hopefully. 

"And tomorrow night?" 

"I have very dirty hair."

IIIIIIIIII

Haku watched in fascination as the blond completed his training routine. After he'd gone, she walked up to the fallen tree and did her best to pull one of the embedded spikes out. 

"They're stuck in," she said in awe. "He pounded them in with his . . ." Haku's eyes glazed and a stream of drool made its way down her chin. "Then maybe I can finally get laid." Sure she worshiped the ground her master walked on and woke up every day thanking the fates that he'd chosen to take her as his minion, but . . . well . . . life as a missing nin made it a bit difficult to scratch certain . . . itches. Not that Zabuza was any help in that regard, she thought to herself. "I bet he's gay," she grumbled as she walked back to the hide out. "No straight man is that obsessed with swords." 

"What was that?" Zabuza asked as she walked in. 

"I said, I've been observing our foes." 

"Well?"

"Pinky and Duck Butt aren't anything special," Haku replied, "blonde on the other hand." She shuddered in pleasure. 

"What is it?" He demanded, it had to be bad if she was shivering like that. 

"I watched some of his training," Haku said seriously, "he's much too manly for you. I might be able to take him but I don't think I could do it alone." Maybe with that yummy looking teacher of his though, she shivered at the thought. 

"I see . . . Haku, as soon as I am well enough to travel we are leaving this place." 

"I fear that may not be enough Zabuza-sama," Haku said quickly, "I fear that I'll have to sacrifice myself to buy you time to get away." 

"That bad then?"

"Worse," Haku agreed. If she stayed with her benefactor then she'd never loose that pesky virginity. "I'll stay behind and offer myself to him in exchange for your freedom," she said passionately. 

"I . . . see," Zabuza said slowly, surely she couldn't mean . . . it was best not to think about it, the life of a missing nin was not an easy one. "Very well then." As he packed, he did his best to put the matter out of his mind until . . . 

"Zabuza-sama?"

"What is it?"

"Do you think I should go with the fetish maid outfit or the easily torn paper kimono?"

"Just . . . just pick whichever you think is best," he said quickly, "good luck Haku." 

"Thank you Zabuza-sama." 

IIIIIIIIII

"You two might want to get ready," Anko said as she sipped her drink, "Naruto . . . could you rub my shoulders?" 

"Why?" Sakura asked. 

"Because it will help me relax," Anko said slowly, "are you sure you were at the top of your year?"

"No, I mean why should we get ready?"

"Because this mist isn't natural," Anko replied. "I'll bet that missing nin's just waiting to jump out and cut you in two."

"Me?" Sakura squeaked. While Sasuke just looked around eagerly, intent on his . . . uh . . . job. 

Haku chose that moment to appear, walking slowly out of the mist in a short leather maid's outfit. 

"Who's your tailor?" Anko asked eagerly. 

"Made it myself," Haku said with a demure blush. "Naruto-sama, we've come to the conclusion that you're much too manly for my master to defeat. So in return for allowing him to escape unharmed, I am offering myself to you." 

"Pinky," Anko barked, "kill her." 

"What?" Sakura dropped her Kunai. 

"But she's surrendered," Naruto protested. 

"It's a trick," Anko said firmly. 

"I'd be perfectly happy to strip down to show I'm not carrying any weapons," Haku suggested, "and then Naruto-sama could tie me up and give me a cavity search." She rubbed her knees together. "He's sooo skilled at tying knots." 

"No," Anko growled, "mine. You go away now." 

"But it's against the Ninja code to allow prisoners to escape," Sakura whined. 

"Yeah," Haku agreed, "we wouldn't want to violate the Ninja code . . . not when I'm standing here perfectly willing to be . . ." 

"Shut up," Anko interrupted. She was so sick of that stupid code. 

"I can cook and clean," Haku said hopefully. 

"Can you cook Dango?" Anko said slowly. Love of dango warring with love of not having competition. 

"And Ramen?" Naruto chipped in. 

"I cook wonderful Dango," Haku seized her chance, "and sublime Ramen." 

"Fine," Anko caved, "but if you're lying to me then I'll be very disappointed . . . you don't want to know how I deal with disappointment." 

Back in the Hidden village of the leaf . . . 

Hinata was in the process of dragging a large steamer trunk out of the Hyuuga estates when the worst happened. 

"Hinata." 

"Yes father?"

"Have you seen your sister around?" 

"Uh . . ." She tried very hard not to even think about the large trunk. "She's dealing with female problems father." 

"Oh . . . what's in the trunk?"

"Things to deal with female problems father." 

"I see . . ."

"And I may not be here for dinner father," Hinata continued, "possibly not be around for the next few days . . . I need to deal with female problems."

"Carry on then." 

"I could tell you all about them if you like," Hinata added shyly. 

"Quite alright," he said as he quickened his step. "I'm sure you don't have the time to explain in proper detail." 

"It's no trouble." 

"Look at the time," he said as he broke into a trot. 

Hinata turned back to her trunk with a happy smile. "Come sister, we wouldn't want you to be late to your training." Naruto wanted gimps, she'd give him gimps. 

While Hinata was taking creepy to a whole new level, the T&I division had a problem on their hands . . .

"I don't think the normal methods are going to work on this one," Ibiki said sadistically. And he also didn't think Mister Snuffle Bear would like to have tea with this one. "But you're in luck girl, I've recently gotten a request by one of our . . . private citizens. I'm sure she'll just love to get the chance to meet you." 

Yugito just stared back defiantly, wondering how she'd gotten into this situation. Oh yeah, she thought to herself, you got complacent and now you're going to suffer for it. 

"Aren't we worried about her village?" One of the unimportant characters asked nervously. 

"Why should we be?" Ibiki asked. "We never saw her, she never got captured, and if they ask then we'd like to know what she was doing in our territory. After a week she'll be in no shape to resume her duties as a nin anyway." 

The Anbu marched the unhappy Cloud nin through a maze of tunnels until they came to a large sinister looking door. With a gulp, one of them knocked on the door. 

"Yes?" A normal looking girl asked sweetly. 

"We've got one for you Ms. Ayame," the Anbu said nervously. 

Yugito shuddered when the girl inspected her like a prize horse. 

"She'll do," Ayame said after a moment of thought, "we still need someone for the horsey and she looks like the type. Bring her in."

"Yes Ms. Ayame." They dropped the condemned nin on the floor and quickly backed out of the room, as they walked away they shuddered at the sound of high pitched laughter and the crack of a whip. They could only imagine what horrible tortures their former prisoner was undergoing. Sure they'd pull someone's fingernails out or smash a couple toes to get information but they did it because it was their job, not for fun. 

AN: Really going to have to put these fragments together and expand them one of these days. As with the first part, about half of this story was written by dogbertcarroll.


	10. More Team Building

Disclaimer: Second part of 'Real Ninja.' Shumi ga warui.

More Team Building

They broke camp after the sun set and continued on through most of the night until they reached a small town.

"This is the place," Kenji said with a yawn. "First things first, we get something to eat and find a place to stay."

"We have about one day before the other team arrives," Kei added. "In that time I want the three of you to find out everything you can about this town and the bandits."

IIIIIIIIII

Tenten sighed as she listened to her instructor and teammate go on about the power of youth and their flames of passion. Sometimes she wondered if it was worth having to deal with the two of them, sometimes she wondered if her life might not be a bit less stressful if she were to transfer to another team, sometimes she wondered if Neji was just a bit too pretty to be a boy. Tenten released a book five years later titled 'I thought I ordered a Fish Taco, but it turned out to be beef after all,' but that has very little to do with the current story line.

"Yosh," Gai yelled, "I hope there are no bandits around. As we are a helpless group of merchants, we would have no way of defending ourselves if we were to be attacked by bandits." Tenten rubbed the bridge of her nose as her teacher enacted his cunning plan to lure the bandits. "And poor Tenten here," Gai continued, "just think of what they would do to an innocent girl."

"Don't forget Neji Gai Sensei," Lee got in on the act.

"Yes," Gai agreed, "a boy as pretty as he is could bring a good price in some of the ports."

Neji snorted, or he would have if it wasn't so undignified. 'Some of the ports? I'm sure I'd bring in a much higher price in all of the ports then any of my teammates.'

IIIIIIIIII

"He's not serious is he?" Kei asked in shock.

"Afraid he is," Kenji sighed, "on the plus side it looks like the bandits are about to attack."

"Bet they figure no trap could be that obvious."

"Which leads me to question if Gai really is that . . . uh . . ."

"Gai-ish?"

"Works," Kenji agreed. He watched as team Gai professionally took down the bandit gang. "Bit disappointing to see that they aren't taking things all the way."

"Did the contract specify that they were to be taken alive?"

"No."

"Doesn't want to blood his Gennin yet," Kei said in disgust, "never should have taken this mission then."

"Nothing wrong with taking things slow," Kenji defended the other instructor. "And as you can see, the bandits are no match for them . . . seems to have trained his students well."

"I guess . . . that isn't going to happen with ours,but you have to admit it takes more skill to knock someone out then to kill them."

"Agreed," he said with a nod, "I do like the idea of getting them into a few low stakes fights though. No deaths unless by accident."

"Could teach them bad habits."

"Could also get rid of any pesky hesitation to hit someone," Kenji argued, "also get them used to taking a hit maybe?" 

"Maybe," she agreed, "something to think on anyway."

"And it looks like they're winding things down here," Kenji said.

"Good job Naruto," Kei said.

"We didn't think you'd be able to stay out of the . . . fight?" Kenji finished with a frown on his face when he saw Naruto being restrained by the two girls.

"We passed the test didn't we sensei?" Harumi asked.

"I don't know," Kei said slowly. "The two of you did, but I'm not sure about Naruto."

"You had to hold him down."

"And if he doesn't pass, you don't pass."

"We're not holding him down," Keiko said with a convincing smile.

"You're not?"

"Of course not."

"Then what are you doing?"

"Uh?" Keiko looked at Harumi.

"Group hug," Harumi said firmly.

"Group hug?" Kei asked skeptically.

"You said teammates had to be close," Keiko said firmly. "You two are married aren't you? Can't get much closer then that."

"So the two of you want to marry Naruto?" Kenji asked slowly. The look of shocked horror on Naruto's face warmed the very cockles of his heart as Naruto apparently took his words at face value.

"While unconventional," Kei said. "We'll support you."

"Couldn't be prouder," Kenji agreed.

"That you're following our example."

Their grips loosened, Naruto managed to free his mouth. "But sensei I . . ."

"Quiet," Harumi whispered as the two quickly plastered themselves to his sides again, to prevent him from screwing things up.

"Or we don't pass," Keiko agreed. "You don't want to go back to that damn log do you?" She pasted a fake smile on her face and hugged Naruto tightly.

The Jonin instructors pretended not to hear as they shared an amused look. "But you know."

"You are going to have to start spending more time together."

"If you want this relationship to work," Kei added with a grin.

"Maybe the three of you can start having meals at Naruto's apartment?"

"How romantic," Kei sighed. It was also another team building exercise, but she saw no reason to mention that since it would ruin the amusing situation her students had talked themselves into.

"Come on," Kenji said, "it's time to head back to Konoha." They turned to walk up the trail and the two instructors smiled as their students dropped back to have a 'private' conversation.

"You know what this means don't you?" Harumi asked her teammate.

"No boyfriend for either of us," Keiko sighed. "Not while they think we're with Naruto."

"How soon do you think we have to keep this up?"

"Until we're out from under their thumb," Harumi replied. "Just to be safe."

"Don't I get a say in this?" Naruto asked. feeling a bit used as he figured out what was going on.

'I'm not good enough for them, am I? I'll show them, I'll be the best damn boyfriend they ever had!'

"No," Keiko said.

"Not even a little one," Harumi agreed.

"This sucks," Naruto whined. 'I wonder if the library has any books on how to be a kickass boyfriend.

"We're not happy about it either," Keiko agreed glumly. "But it's that or the log, what do you want to do."

"Fine," Naruto agreed with an unhappy frown. "But I'm not kissing either of you."

"I think that's something we can all agree on," Harumi said firmly. "Right?"

"Right," Keiko said with a nod.

Naruto relaxed a little. 'Dodged the kunai on that one. I've never kissed anyone before and I ain't going to go around kissing anyone till I'm the best at it!'

Frowns appeared on their instructors faces as they listened in, this wouldn't do . . . this wouldn't do at all. The entertainment value would drop by an order of magnitude if they allowed their student's fake relationship to go on that way, they were going to make their students work for it.

"Why were you trying to jump in anyway, they had things under control the whole time." Keiko whispered.

"That black haired girl was in trouble, two bandits got in behind her and none of her teammates even warned her!" Naruto whispered back harshly, pissed at the way the girl's teammates had just left her alone in the middle of things and wondering how she'd managed to handle things with no warning.

"That wasn't a girl. That was Neji Hyuuga and his bloodline lets him see all around him. He knew where they were at all times." Harumi groaned.

"What?! That was a guy?! Are you sure?"

"Yes, that was a guy and yes we are sure!"

"Really?"

"Yes really."

"No mistake then?"

"No mistake Naruto," she screamed, "it really was a boy."

"Uh huh," Naruto agreed skeptically.

They returned to the village and gave the gleeful Gennin their first pay. "Don't spend it all in one place," Kenji advised.

"Better yet," Kei said, "don't spend any of it."

"Wha . . . why not?" Keiko demanded. Sighing as the thoughts of a new dress escaped from her grasp.

"We're going to need it for the rent on our new place," Kei explained.

"Budgeting is another thing you'll need to learn to be an effective Ninja," Kenji said with a mournful look on his face, "unless you can get your wife to do it for you."

"And since none of you have that luxury at the moment," Kei said evilly, "you all get to learn it."

"You should be able to keep most of your pay," Kenji took pity on his students. "The rent in the industrial section of town is usually pretty cheap."

"Industrial section?" Naruto asked dumbly.

"Pretty much where you live now," Kei mused.

"Only a few blocks away," Kenji agreed.

"Oh."

"Why there sensei?" Harumi asked.

"You try putting a blacksmith in a residential section," Kenji snorted. "And see how happy your neighbors are."

"Unless of course you're suggesting that we have your teammate live somewhere else," Kei asked with a frown.

"No," Harumi said quickly, "it's just that it's so far away from everything."

"Walking is good for you," Kenji said, ending the conversation. Not that they'd get to do that very often, why let them walk when they could be running?

"Go home," Kei ordered, "take clean up and say hi to your families."

"And meet at Naruto's apartment for breakfast tomorrow," Kenji added. "We'll go house hunting after that." Actually, he already knew exactly where they'd be going as he'd spoken to a few friends before going out on the mission but he saw no reason to waste a day of walking around the district of strange smells.

"Dismissed," Kei said. With that, the two instructors disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

"Dinner at your house Naruto?" Harumi asked hopefully.

"Sure," Naruto agreed, "but don't you want to spend time with your family?"

"A little sure," the girl agreed, "but they're a bit . . ."

"Smothering?" Keiko suggested.

"Exactly."

"Oh . . . must be nice," Naruto said glumly.

"It can be," Keiko agreed, not without sympathy. "Sometimes anyway."

"Yeah," Harumi agreed. The two girls shared a look of confusion as they tried to think of a way to cheer up their teammate. "Well . . ."

"We'll see you in a couple hours then. Like our teachers said, this team is like a family." Keiko said, "okay Naruto."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed brightly, "but we'll need to pick up a few things if you want something that isn't ramen."

Unseen, their two instructors observed them with pleased smiles on their faces. They were good kids and they had the potential to be good ninja in the future.

"Come on," Kenji said after their students had walked out of sight, "we need to report to the Hokage."

"Yeah," Kei agreed. The two Jonin ghosted across the rooftops and swung into the Hokage's office through one of the windows.

"How'd the mission go then?" Sarutobi asked blandly.

"Gai may have hidden depths," Kei mused.

"But he didn't want to blood his students," Kenji said. "Killed two bandits but only when the children were out of sight."

"And he's picked up a mini me somewhere," Kei said with a shudder of disgust, "creepy as hell."

"How'd your students do?"

"Naruto needs a crash course on bloodlines," Kenji said, "I'm thinking of having his teammates drill him on the ones in the village before branching out to foreign and extinct bloodlines."

"Speaking of the girls," Kei said with a wicked grin, "they've somehow talked themselves into having to pretend to be Naruto's girlfriends."

"Much potential for wacky hijinks," Kenji agreed.

"Did you just say wacky?" Kei demanded.

"Yep," he said, "and hijinks."

"Not something you hear every day," she mused.

"That's why I used it," he explained, "I'm trying to improve my vocabulary."

"Oh . . . nicely done."

"Back to the students," the Hokage said firmly, "how are they doing aside from the . . . wacky hijinks?"

"Might be ready for the mission to cloud," Kenji said reluctantly, "maybe."

"So I should accept the invitation?"

"We can always stage an accident to keep them out of it if they're not ready," Kei pointed out.

"Yeah," Kenji agreed.

"Accept the invitation," Kei said firmly, "we'll make them ready."

"No matter what it takes."

AN: Thanks go to dogbertcarroll for a bit of much needed polish. Yes, wives traditionally handle the money in Japan.

Omake by dogbertcarroll

"And he's picked up a mini me somewhere," Kei said with a shudder of disgust, "creepy as hell."

"Lee is a failed experiment of Orochimaru. It was an attempt to clone Gai, but his chakra coils didn't develop properly. Neither, Lee nor Gai are aware of that. It was decided that it was best not to release this information because of the stigmata involved."

"And Gai didn't question the resemblance?"

"Anko's test for special Jonin was to seduce Gai and get him so drunk he wouldn't remember anything beyond the fact that he got lucky. I assume he thinks Lee is his child from that one night stand."

"Sounds a bit extreme."

"It was necessary at the time to conceal his origins."

"Why are you revealing it now?"

"Because we just found a tank containing 23 other Lees and they seem to be experiencing his life through some sort of chakra link. We need options for when they finally awaken."


	11. Another Learning Experience

Disclaimer: Part three of 'Real Shinobi.'

Another Learning Experience

The next day, the three Gennin followed their two teachers across the village into the industrial district and into a dilapidated building.

"What do you think?" Kenji asked.

"It's a warehouse," Harumi said flatly.

"And our new home," Kei agreed, "isn't that lovely?"

"But . . . where are the walls and stuff?" Keiko demanded. "You can't expect us to change in front of . . ."

"You want walls?" Kenji asked with a grin. "Build em. I advise you to sign up for a few D rank construction missions to get the skills."

"Ta ta for now children," Kei said as they walked out, "we'll give you a week to get things together." Which was no where near enough time to learn how to furnish the place but she didn't believe in assigning punishments without manufacturing an excuse.

"Don't disappoint us," Kenji agreed.

"You won't like the consiquences." The three Gennin watched their instructors leave with looks of horrors on their faces.

"I helped my dad set up his new workshop," Keiko said after a moment, "there's no way we can get everything done in a week . . . no way we can even learn enough to do everything in a week."

"Why can't we just build walls out of wooden crates?" Naruto asked. "This is a warehouse right?"

"Better yet, why don't we buy a few tons of iron for my forge?" Keiko asked. "Dad says that the price of iron is lower then he's ever seen."

"We could also get other stuff," Harumi mused, "like sand."

"Sand?"

"My uncle Toshi blows glass," she explained, "he makes it out of sand."

"Oh."

Their teachers were shocked by what they found when they returned to the warehouse. Their students had arranged several large shipping crates to create a maze of rooms and hallways.

"Very nice," Kei said with a proud smile, "to be honest . . . well."

"We never expected you to succeed," Kenji explained, "this was supposed to teach you that one is sometimes given missions that are impossible to complete."

"Though not so often these days," Kei mused, "it was also supposed to give us an excuse to punish you with a dirty, disgusting, and degrading learning experience."

"We're still going to do that of course," Kenji said quickly. "So you don't have to worry about missing it."

"Of course," Keiko agreed dryly.

"We can never catch a break," Harumi agreed.

"Bastards," Naruto put in his two cents.

"I know you hate to hear it but it really is for your own good," Kei said sympathetically, "better get used to it now rather then on a mission."

"But you've done very well," Kenji said with a grin, "very very well and you can always console yourself with the fact that there's nothing you could have done to avoid it."

"We couldn't be prouder," Kei agreed, "good job."

"So what is this learning experience?" Harumi asked reluctantly.

"Why don't we start with Kunai practice?" Kei said to her husband. "They can go through the pipe later."

"Best to put off the pipe," he agreed, "least until we have an excuse to inflict that on them."

"I'm sure they'll give us a frivolous reason sooner or later," Kei mused.

"We're right here you know," Keiko said sourly.

"This too is a lesson," Kenji explained.

"It shows you all that life is rarely fair," Kei added.

"Be sure that any cutting instruments you care to use are nice and sharp for tomorrow," Kenji said as he turned to leave, "we'll continue this conversation later."

"And do try to get a good night's sleep," Kei said. She paused in the door before leaving the students alone. "We have an important mission to prepare for so play time is over, if you wish to quit then now is the time to do it." With one last look at her students, she left for the night.

"What do you think she meant?" Keiko asked.

"I think she meant that we should get a good night's sleep," Harumi said, "I know I'm not gonna quit."

"Me neither," Keiko agreed, "Naruto?"

"Quitting is for other people," Naruto said stubbornly, "just like rules. It's us against them and we're gonna win."

"Yeah," Harumi agreed.

"We're a team," Keiko said, "they haven't got a chance against us."

The three Gennin spent a rather unpleasant few hours speculating what training awaited them on the next day before turning in to go to sleep.

They awoke the next morning to the smell of breakfast and the sound of two metallic objects being slammed together.

"Rise and shine children," Kei called out, "it's time to get up."

"It's still dark," Naruto protested, "you aren't supposed to get up till the big ball of fire is half way up the sky."

"Yeah," Keiko agreed, "everyone knows that."

"We have a big day ahead of us," Kei said. She ignored her student's looks of disgust as she waved them towards the table. "Be sure to fill up, we're going to be doing a lot of exercise."

"And it'll be a while before we get a chance to eat lunch," Kenji added.

"If you're hungry that is," Keiko mused.

"True."

"Should we be eating if we're going to exercise?" Harumi asked.

"We aren't going to exercise until after you've had a chance to digest." Kenji waved off her concerns. "But good thinking."

"It's time for classwork before that," Kei said upon seeing their confused looks. "You'd be amazed to learn the kinds of things a good Ninja needs to know."

"Like what?" Naruto asked.

"How to read a map for one," Kenji replied.

"And how to make one for another," Keiko agreed. "Information is life in our line of work."

"It is our job to give you the tools to become successful Shinobi," Kenji said calmly, "it isn't glamourous but the ability to draft accurate maps and blueprints is something that will serve you well."

"Especially since most of your future colleagues, the supposed best ninja in the village will have no idea of how to do anything more complicated then bashing skulls together."

"Not that we won't teach you how to do that too."

"But it's good to have more cerebral skills."

"Means you'll have no shortage of jobs anyway."

"And as you know," Kenji began with a grin.

"A busy life is a happy life," Kei finished, "get ready to become filled with joy."

True to their word, the two Jonin instructors spent the first half of the day teaching their students the basics of how to read a map and compass. After four and a half hours, Naruto couldn't take it any longer.

"Can't we do something else?" Naruto demanded. "Go outside or something?" He bit his tongue before screaming about how useless it was anyway.

"If that is your wish," Kei agreed, "come along children. We've got a nice little training exercise waiting for you outside."

"We'll give you an hour to change and shower after this," Kenji said to the suddenly very nervous Gennin, "and another for lunch since we're such wonderful individuals." The two teachers lined their students up in front of three vaguely human shaped targets.

"The object of this exercise," Kei said in a loud clear voice. "Is to eliminate the targets. You will take one Kunai, you will approach the targets, and you will stab them until told to stop. Do you understand?" The students nodded. "Then begin."

Naruto ran towards his target and thrust his kunai into the torso. He nearly dropped it when his teacher let out a horrific scream, he did drop it when he pulled out the blade to see it covered in blood.

"Pick up that kunai and him again," Kenji snapped. "Pick it up."

"Y . . .yes sensei," Naruto agreed nervously.

"Now stab the bastard again," Kenji demanded. "Again, again, again." They didn't let up until the targets were ruined masses of torn canvas and blood.

"Wha . . . what happened?" Harumi asked sickly. "Where did all the blood come from?"

"There are several reasons we chose to bring you three here," Kei said calmly.

"Easy access to a slaughter house is but one of them."

"Two hours and we're back in the classroom," Kei said to the three blood covered Gennin, "Naruto."

"Yes sensei?"

"We were going to do this today anyway," she said kindly, "your comments just prompted us to start things off a bit early."

"And we'll be doing something similar in a day or two," Kenji said firmly, "needs to be soon anyway."

"Why?" Harumi blurted. "Sorry sensei," she said contritely.

"It's a valid question," Kei assured the girl, "the more you know about a mission the better the chances that you'll complete it."

"But you're not going to tell me."

"But I'm not going to explain my answer," Kei corrected her, "it's because you girls will be too big for the exercise soon."

"Naruto has quite a bit of growing before we have to worry about his fit," Kenji added, "but we'd rather make it a team learning experience."

"Do we want to know?" Keiko asked.

"I would assume that you do," Kei agreed.

"Or else you would have not have asked the question," Kenji added, "the real question is if we will tell you."

"And the answer is no."

"This too is training."

"What kind of training could that be?" Naruto demanded hotly.

"That information will often be held back," Kei replied, "you must learn how to endure it."

"Or better yet," Kenji said with a smile, "how to ferret it out. We've given you a couple clues and we will sprinkle a few more around our living area."

"If you are able to figure out what we have planned then we will be ecstatic," Kei said.

"And if we catch you going through our things then we will be more then justified when we punish you with the exercise we were going to make you undergo anyway."

"Let me guess," Naruto said dryly.

"This too is a lesson," Keiko huffed.

"They grow up so fast," Kei murmured to her husband.

They spent the rest of that day and all of the next learning and relearning

Naruto has a doodle in the corner of an insect, says that it was just sitting there, it's fairly detailed, Kei explains the concept of hiding a map inside a drawing. Naruto gets extra art lessons.

"There is no useless skill when you are a shinobi," Kei said to the doubtful boy, "the ability to draw is a very good thing for a shinobi to possess."

"Really?" Harumi asked doubtfully. "How?"

"For starters." Kenji pulled a small book out of his pocket and handed it to her. "Look on page forty one."

"Name: Unknown," she read. "Description: Brown hair, brown eyes, crescent shaped scar on right hand."

"Be a bit more helpful if they had a sketch wouldn't it?" Kenji asked dryly. "Or a dozen."

"Being able to draw also applies to the lessons that we've been giving you today," Kei said, "watch." She drew a quick diagram of the warehouse. "Something that could get us in to trouble if they found it on us transforms into." She made another quick drawing, this time of a butterfly. "Something harmless."

"I don't get it," Naruto said in frustration, "how could that butterfly help us?"

"Simple," Kei said with an indulgent smile. She again picked up the pencil and made lines connecting several of the markings on the wings. "All we have to do is connect the dots."

AN: A lot of what I put in here and what I plan to put into the next couple of chapters are based on real training methods and events. Not sure how many chapters I'll write of this and I'm not sure if I'll ever catch up with the canon timeline; if I do, then it will touch on the main events in canon. There are two reasons to do this, one is so you can show how your character would do things differently, the other is laziness. With my writing it's the latter rather then the former.


	12. Good Training

Disclaimer: Part fur of 'Real Shinobi.' I am planning to make this its own fic someday, would like to finish Reunion first.

Good Training

Days turned into weeks and the three Gennin became quite adept at several skills including navigation, cartography, drafting, and surveying.

"Arg," Naruto screamed, "I can't sit still any longer. Can't we go outside or something?" The boy froze with a look of horror on his face as the two Jonin instructors turned around with twin looks of joy on their faces.

"Since you asked," Kei began.

"So shall you receive," Kenji finished.

"Can't we sit this one out?" Keiko asked hopefully.

"Yeah," Harumi agreed, "we're perfectly happy sitting in here all day."

"What they said," Naruto said glumly, "I'm the one that wanted to go out so they shouldn't have to come with me."

"We wouldn't dream of breaking up the team," Kei said with a smile, "would we darling?"

"No in a million years," Kenji agreed, "come along children."

"We've been saving this lesson for quite a while."

"Sorry guys," Naruto whispered to the two girls as they followed their teachers out of the warehouse.

"It's alright Naruto," Harumi whispered back.

"Yeah," Keiko said, "you heard them. They've been waiting for an excuse to do this to us anyway."

"It was always gonna happen," Kei agreed, showing that she'd been listening in on their conversation, "we just weren't sure when."

The two instructors took their students into the slaughter house and to one of the large drains that dotted the floor of the large structure.

"This," Kei said as she lifted up a small grate, "is a drain. It goes into a pipe that should be just large enough for each of you to squeeze into and it drains out into a river in thirty meters."

"It's filled with some of the foulest things you can imagine," Kenji added, "blood and fecal matter are two of the main ingredients."

"You three are going to crawl through it," Kei said firmly, "you are going to do it again and again until it no longer bothers you."

"The only thing I want to hear is who wants to go first," Kenji said.

"I'll do it," Naruto volunteered after a glance at his two teammates.

"Very good Naruto," Kei said with a smile, "who's next?" In rapid succession, the other two Gennin entered the pipe and began the unpleasant training exercise.

The two instructors were more then a bit surprised when Naruto rushed back into the room a few minutes after he'd entered the pipe and made a beeline towards the drain.

"What are you doing Naruto?" Kei asked sweetly. "Didn't get enough the first time?"

"Harumi's stuck," Naruto said as he crawled into the hole.

"She's too large?"

"No," Naruto said quickly, "she just can't keep going. Keiko is trying to pull her out and I'm going to push."

"You better hurry then," Kenji said. The thought of telling the boy that they'd lied about the size of the pipe and that either one of the Jonin could have saved the girl at any time never crossed his mind. "Wouldn't want her to stay in there too long would we?"

"No sensei," Naruto agreed quickly.

"Such wonderful children we were blessed with," Kei sighed, "I'd better go to the exit to help Keiko clean Harumi up." The Jonin happily skipped out of the room and to the outlet to wait for her students. After a few minutes, Keiko appeared followed shortly by Harumi and Naruto.

Harumi was pale white and shaking in fear as the other three cleaned her up a bit. "I'm sorry," she choked, "I . . . I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Kei assured her friend.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed, "and we won't have to do that again so it's okay right?"

"I'm afraid that isn't strictly true," Kei said serenely, "Naruto and Keiko do not have to do it again. But I'm afraid that Harumi has to since she froze in the middle. Unless of course you three would rather do something else?"

"That's not fair," Naruto shouted.

"Neither is life," Kei said with a shrug, "well?"

"Can we go with her?" Keiko asked in a low voice.

"I don't see why not," Kei agreed.

"Well what do you want to do Harumi?" Keiko asked. "Can you do it again?"

"I think so," Harumi said in a shaky voice.

"Then let's go, better get over your fear now then on a mission right?"

"Right," she agreed.

"Alright then," Naruto shouted, "let's go." They walked back to the slaughterhouse and to the drain pipe.

"Are you sure you can do this?" Keiko asked.

"Yeah," Harumi said with a quiver in her voice. "Like you said, better to get over this fear here then on a mission."

"And I'll be right behind you," Naruto said loudly, "to give you another push if you need it."

"And I'll be in front of you," Keiko added, "we are a team after all."

"And teams do things together," Naruto finished.

Their two instructors were waiting for them when the tumbled out of the pipe with twin looks of pride on their faces.

"How'd it go?" Kei asked. "Did any of you freeze up?"

"No sensei," Harumi said, "I don't like it but I did it."

"Excellent," Kenji said cheerfully, "and we have good news for the three of you."

"What kind of good news?" Harumi asked suspiciously.

"We only have one task to do today," Kei said with a smile, "and you get the rest of the day off."

"For certain given values of day off," Kenji interjected.

"Which means that you get to clean and repair your equipment," Kei explained, "before you do anything else."

"What are we going to do?" Naruto demanded.

"Afraid we're going to crawl through the pipe again," Kei said sympathetically, "sorry Harumi."

"I'll be alright this time," the girl said quickly.

"And we'll be with you this time," Kei said, "Kenji on point and I'll take the rear."

"Can you even fit in the pipe?" Keiko asked. "You said we had to do it before we got too big."

"We say a lot of things," Kenji said with a grin.

"Not all of them true," Kei agreed, "in this particular case it was so you'd underestimate the size of the pipe."

"And now you know how inaccurate information can play tricks on your mind," Kenji said.

"Not our fault you took things at face value," Kei added with a hurt look, "as if we'd put you in that kind of situation without a way to help you if something happened."

"And it did," Kenji added, "to Harumi."

"Nothing to be ashamed of," Kei said quickly, "it was the purpose of the exercise to get this sort of thing out of the way before we had to deal with it on a real mission."

"You'd be surprised at how few villages have adequate guards on their sewers," Kenji mused.

"Then why didn't you save me?" Harumi asked in a small voice.

"Because your team had already taken care of things," Kei said proudly, "just like they were supposed to."

With that last lesson, the team retired from the training field and returned to their warehouse for some much needed rest.

"My turn to pick the meal," Naruto cheered as he walked into the small space that served as their kitchen.

"You want me to touch up your knives again?" Keiko asked.

"Will it take long?"

"Shouldn't need more then a few swipes on the steel," Keiko replied, "even as bad as they are. Which reminds me, I should have your new set ready today if we have enough time."

"Thanks," Naruto said gratefully. The two of them retired to the kitchen to prepare the meal.

"Could you hand me that mug?" Keiko asked. "This one needs a bit of a touch up and I don't feel like taking it out to my bench stones since these things are gonna get scrapped soon."

"Uh . . . okay," Naruto agreed, "what are you going to do with it?"

"The bottom wasn't glazed," the girl replied, "and thus can be used as a sharpening stone. Neat huh?"

"Yeah," Naruto agreed in fascination, "it is. Are there any other things you can use like that?"

"Lots," the girl chirped, "why don't I show you later?"

"Okay," Naruto agreed, "thanks."

IIIIIIIIII

The students assembled on their training field the next day well rested and ready for whatever their instructors were going to throw at them next.

"Today, I am going to breathe fire at you." Kenji said with a grin. "You are going to use a super cool Jutsu to burry yourselves in the earth where you'll be safe from the flames. Any questions?"

"Could you teach us the super cool jutsu before you breathe fire at us?" Keiko asked with a hopeful look on her face.

"That sounded more like a request then a question," Kenji mused. "But to answer your question, yes I believe I could."

"I meant to say, will you?" Keiko added quickly.

"Would make things less sporting, wouldn't it?"

"But it would also prevent your students from being horribly scarred," Harumi said quickly, "and you wouldn't want that would you? The other instructors would laugh at you."

"And we can't have that," Kei giggled, "can we dear."

"I'm not sure I'd be able to survive the taunting," he agreed. "Okay, first thing you have to do is . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

The third Hokage monitored their training with a fatalistic attitude. 'They'd be ready in time or they wouldn't be,' he told himself, 'all he could do was trust his instructors and do offer whatever help he could.'

His gaze wondered around the room until it settled on one particular scroll. 'The boy did have the chakra and the stamina for it,' the treacherous thought went through his mind.

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt to run the idea past his instructors," the Hokage mused, "and if Kei and Kenji don't like it then no more need be said about it."

IIIIIIIIII

Kei and Kenji arrived in the Hokage's office and looked at the old man with identical expressions of expectation.

"I was considering the idea of releasing a couple of the forbidden techniques to your team," the Hokage answered their unasked question, "and I would like to get your input before deciding."

"Which techniques?" Kei asked.

"Kage Bunshin and another of your choice," the Hokage replied.

"Naruto does have the reserves to pull it off," Kenji mused.

"And it would increase the mission's chances of success exponentially if he managed to pull it off," Kei said softly.

"On the other hand," Kenji said, "Bunshin is his worst technique."

"And there are quite a few things we'd like to cram into their heads before we have to use them in real world conditions." Kei shared a look with her husband. "We'd like to try it," Kei said finally.

"Worst that can happen is that he fails," Kenji sighed, "I'm going to need access to the captured jutsu library if you agree to let us try."

"Of course," Sarutobi agreed, "anything else you would need?"

"Equipment and the chance to get first pick on missions," Kei replied.

"Done." The Hokage smiled at his two Jonin. "Good luck."

"Thank you."

AN: Polish by dogbertcarroll


	13. The Accidental Instructor

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, no mimes were harmed during the making of this fic.

The Accidental Instructor

The newly formed team seven was sitting in a classroom waiting for their absent Jonin instructor.

"Our stupid instructor hasn't gotten here yet," Sakura groused.

"I'll go find him," Naruto volunteered.

"Naruto you . . ." 'Quiet you fool!' inner Sakura thought to herself, if he leaves then we'll be all alone with Sasuke. "Genius."

"What?" Naruto asked dumbly.

"What?" Sasuke echoed.

"Never mind. Now go out and start looking," Sakura hustled him towards the door.

"Do you remember his name?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Don't be so sexist, there are female Jonin too! Just grab the first Jonin you find walking around the school," Sakura advised, "all the other teams have their instructors already so ours will be the only one left."

"Right," Naruto agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Anko walked into the Hokage's office and bowed.

"You called for me, Hokage?" Anko asked respectfully.

"I have a new mission for you," the Hokage replied, "go to the Academy and . . ."

"Hokage," one of his aides rushed in, "the new issue is out in stores."

"And I'm sure you'll figure it out," Sarutobi called over his shoulder as he rushed out.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto wandered the halls in search of their team's new commander. He'd find whoever it was, bring them back, and then Sakura would reward him with a date. It was a flawless plan that had no chance of failing. He was a genius after all, Sakura had said so.

"There you are," Naruto shouted, "you're late!"

"What're you talking about, brat?" Anko growled.

"We've been waiting for you for hours," Naruto shouted, "what kind of Jonin instructor are you?"

"What're you talking about you stupid brat," Anko shouted back, "I'm not . . . oh, I guess that's what the old man was talking about. Lead the way, brat." She was more then a bit flattered by the amount of trust the Hokage was placing in her, only the best and most loyal Jonin were chosen to be instructors. She vowed that she wouldn't let the old man down.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi lazily wandered into the academy a few minutes later on his way to meet his new team. It was always nice to be chosen as a Jonin instructor, he thought to himself, just like having a couple paid days off . All he had to do was show up for a few minutes on the first day and an hour on the second, not to mention how enjoyable it was to crush a group of brats that didn't understand the meaning of teamwork.

"You must be the person the Hokage sent over to demonstrate summons," the Chunin instructor said with a grin, "right on time."

"Actually I'm . . ."

"No time to chat," the harried man interrupted, "can't leave a class full of eight year olds alone for too long."

"Er . . ."

The Chunin grabbed Kakashi by the arm and dragged him into a classroom filled with screaming brats.

"BE QUIET," the Chunin screamed. He ducked to avoid a thrown kunai, it was a ninja academy after all. "This is Mister . . . er, what was your name?"

"Kakashi, but . . ."

"Kakashi," the Chunin said loudly, "he's going to be teaching you about summoning."

"I think there's been a mistake," Kakashi tried to interject.

"You can handle this yourself right?" the man asked as he stepped out the door, not bothering to pay attention to the Jonin's attempt to escape, it hadn't worked for him on his first day so why should he let Kakashi off that easy? "Thanks for covering for me."

"Wait, I . . ." Kakashi shuddered at the amount of 'mischief intent' the students were letting off. When the Hokage had told him that he had been chosen as an instructor, he'd been sure the old man just been giving him another team to fail. He'd never expected this, maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to fail all those Gennin after all?

IIIIIIIIII

Anko followed Naruto into the empty classroom and was more then a bit amused at how much killing intent her other two students were emitting. It was so cute the way they were trying to look dangerous.

"Sorry I'm late," she said cheerfully. Wouldn't do to scare the little brats right off and lose her new team. "Just found out I was going to be your teacher a few minutes ago. Now then, why don't you introduce yourselves?"

"Could you go first?" Sakura asked sweetly. "To show us how it's done."

"Sure thing, Pinky," Anko agreed. "My name is Anko, I like dango, my dream is to kill a certain man. Now you."

"My name is Sakura, I like . . ." she blushed. "My dream is to be a good kunoichi, uh . . . like you Anko sensei."

"Nice sucking up," Anko complimented the girl with a big smile that Sakura returned shyly, "blonde."

"My name is Naruto, I like Ramen, and I'm gonna be Hokage someday," he finished loudly.

"I'd pick another dream if I were you kid," Anko advised.

"You don't think I can do it?" Naruto asked sadly.

"Nah, it's just that being Hokage really sucks. You gotta wake up early every day to do paperwork, you spend all day doing paperwork and listening to people complain, and you don't get done with the days work until late. Not to mention the fact that you get little or no sleep."

"Oh." Naruto blinked stunned and wondered why the old man had never told him about this before, but he did see a whole lot of paperwork around the Hokage every time he visited. Hmmm.

"Much better to be a super elite ninja like one of the sannin. You get all the power and respect of a Hokage without all the boring parts," Anko finished happily. Her first day on the job and she was already dispensing valuable career advice.

"Then I'll be the greatest elite super ninja ever," Naruto cheered, "and I'll never have to do any boring paperwork."

"That's the spirit," Anko agreed, "unfortunately we all have to fill out some paperwork, but I'll show you how to pass it off to subordinates through the use of delegated authority."

Naruto puzzled through the unfamiliar words and then paled. "I just volunteered to do all the paperwork for the team, didn't I?" he asked recalling Iruka tricking him similarly earlier in the year.

Anko smirked. "Yep, but the amount of paperwork a team generates can be finished in less than an hour a day and I'll you show you some shortcuts on that too. Now you, broody."

"My name is Sasuke, I don't like anything, and my dream . . . nay my ambition is to kill a certain man."

"No it isn't," Anko said flatly, "that's my dream. What's yours?"

"To kill my brother and . . ."

"Still too close to my dream," Anko interrupted. "How about rebuilding your clan?"

"I wanna kill my brother first," Sasuke said stubbornly.

"I'm not saying that you can't kill your brother," Anko explained. "Just that you need something else to dream about." Not that she didn't appreciate the way the little brat was trying to emulate her. "And I'll bet that rebuilding your clan would really piss your brother off."

"Really?" Sasuke was so startled by the thought he actually stopped brooding for a second and looked hopeful.

"Why, he'd probably come back here to try to wipe it out again."

"Do you think so?"

"All those new Uchihas running around, he couldn't help himself."

"Then my dream is rebuilding my clan," Sasuke agreed. 'As bait to lure my brother back to Konoha so I can kill him,' Sasuke added silently.

"Now that, that's out of the way," Konoha's number one sadistic snake bitch began cheerfully, "it's customary to have some sort of test to make sure that you're ready to be Gennin."

"What do you mean test?!" Konoha's number one loudmouth screamed, visions of reams of paperwork being dumped on him danced through his head.

"Well, cyclops has his bell test. Uh . . . my old teacher had a test to see if you could suppress your gag reflex." He'd been so disappointed when he found out that she was a girl. "Uh . . . I guess we could fight, that would give me a good idea of what your skill level is."

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was in hell. The children had attacked the moment the Chunin had left the room and he'd been unable to fend them all off without using excessive force. The team work the class showed made him feel like a bear facing a wolf pack as they dodged and distracted him with expert skill.

He groaned as he struggled against his restraints, they'd tied him to the desk with copious amounts of Ninja wire (guaranteed not to break under normal use or your money back).

"Give that book back," Kakashi yelled, "it's not for children . . . put those Kunai down, they'd not for children . . . stop trying to set me on fire." Kakashi blew futilely at the smoldering kindling under his feet and tried to remember a chakra exercise he had been given as a Genin that dealt with extinguishing small flames without using hand signs. Who knew play-dough could be used to bind hands that way? 

IIIIIIIIII

Anko was slightly disappointed when her loud blond student attacked head on. That disappointment disappeared after she'd seen what he had planned with several clones attempting to distract her while two more helped launch the young Genin high into the air.

Naruto braced for impact as he plummeted towards the earth, his clones having used more enthusiasm than skill. This was going to hurt.

Surprisingly it didn't, in fact it seemed much softer then he expected. He reached up to feel the objects that had broken his fall. They seemed to be round and squishy, his hands reported, he gave them a squeeze.

"Ohhh," Anko moaned.

Naruto looked up nervously from his place between his new instructor's bountiful breasts. Well, he thought to himself, may as well be hung for a ram and all that. "Honk honk." He found a strange sort of fulfillment in the way they filled his hands, being much warmed and softer than he'd thought they'd be.

"Heh," Anko laughed, "perverted little brat." She was more then a bit impressed by the way the little bastard had managed to control his decent so wonderfully, not much practical use but impressive as hell.

"Uh . . ."

"Pinky, you're next," Anko ordered.

"Yes, Sensei," Sakura agreed.

"That means you have to let go, Naruto," Anko said gently.

"Okay, Anko-Sensei." Naruto reluctantly released his grip on the woman's breasts and walked over to sit down next to a slightly, though he would never admit it aloud, impressed Sasuke.

"So what do you got, Pinky?" Anko asked.

"I have the highest test scores in my year," Sakura said proudly.

"How'd you do on the practical stuff?" Anko asked.

"Not so good," Sakura admitted.

"Well, we know what to work on then. Right, Sakura?"

"Yes, Sensei," Sakura cheered.

"Okay then, I want you to throw your strongest attack . . ." Anko blocked Sakura's kick with no visible effort and sighed. "And we have a lot of work ahead of us. Broody, you're up."

"My name is not broody," Sasuke protested.

"Fine, duck butt, you're up."

"My . . ." he trailed off when he noticed the look in her eye. "Yes, Sensei."

IIIIIIIIII

The Chunin instructor returned to the class a few hours later with a grin on his face.

"Looks like you guys had fun," he said after he'd taken in the scene of pandemonium.

"Yes, Sensei," the students chorused.

"Akira, don't think I didn't notice you trying to start that fire. Two hours of Chakra exercises for everyone every day followed by two more of Jutsu practice until everyone can set fires."

"Awww," the students sighed.

"Arson is an important ninja skill," he lectured, "and I wouldn't be much of an instructor if I let you graduate without making sure that you'd mastered it."

"Yes, Sensei."

"Now then." The instructor released Kakashi. "For homework, I want everyone to write a report on different kinds of summons."

"Yes, Sensei."

"And thank Kakashi here for helping out."

"Thank you, Kakashi."

"Class, dismissed." He was going to have to petition the Hokage to get this Jonin assigned to the academy full time, he'd never seen his students so well behaved.

IIIIIIIIII

Anko arrived at the Hokage's office several hours after the other instructors had left.

"Sorry I'm late," Anko said as she stepped in for the meeting, "I took the kids out to get something to eat after the test."

"Really?" the Hokage asked. He never would have thought that Anko of all people would be good with children.

"Yeah," Anko agreed, "had to reward the perverted little brat somehow and the others didn't do too bad either."

"Wonderful, when do you think you'll be ready for your next mission?"

"Mind if I hold off for a couple weeks?" Anko asked hopefully. "I'd really like to get in some training before I take any missions."

"Of course not," the Hokage agreed, "bit of time off would do you good."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"And when you're ready, I've got a nice 'B' ranked assassination for you."

"Really?" Anko asked with sparkling eyes. She was floored by the amount of faith the old man had in her training methods. "You're the best, old man."

"Really," he agreed. They were her favorite after all and he thought she deserved a reward for doing such a good job with the students, why he hadn't received a single complaint from any of the parents. Maybe the village was finally getting past its suspicion of the young Special-Jonin, he could only hope that there would be a similar change in attitude towards Naruto. "Dismissed."

Anko skipped out of the office with a gigantic smile on her face and past a defeated looking Kakashi.

"Reporting in, Hokage," Kakashi said in a tired voice.

"How'd they do?" the Hokage asked.

"When you said I was going to be an instructor, I never thought it would be like this," Kakashi said, exhaustion and a little fear lacing his voice.

"They did well then?" Sarutobi asked hopefully.

"They . . . they tied me up and took my book away," Kakashi sobbed.

"I'll take that as a yes then," the Hokage agreed, "enjoy your new assignment."

"How . . . how long do I have to do this?" Kakashi would later swear that the sound of his spirit breaking had been audible.

"Until they all become Chunin."

"But . . . but that'll take years," Kakashi protested.

"Nonsense, I'd say that if they were able to defeat you then they're already well on their way to passing the exam."

"But . . ."

"How old were you when you became a Chunin?" Saturobi pointed out.

"Yes, Hokage." He really, really shouldn't have gotten on the old man's bad side, Kakashi thought to himself.

AN: Title by polychromeknight. Typos busted by chatramordrai. Anko is fun to write, going to have to do more with her.

Omake: Infiltration Training

Anko arrived at the meeting place she'd arranged with her team the day before and was more then pleased to see that her team had arrived early and were performing the chakra exercised she'd mentioned the day before.

"Got a new exercise for you, Pinky," Anko said to Sakura. She drew a long straight Anbu sword from a place of concealment. "Now the first thing you gotta do is . . ."

"What about me?" Naruto interrupted.

"I've got a different exercise for you, Naruto."

"Oh, okay."

"Now the first thing you gotta do is learn to suppress your gag reflexes," Anko lectured, "and eventually you'll be able to . . ." she drew her sword, looked up, and lowered the entire length down her throat.

"Wow," Naruto cheered. "You're the best, Anko-Sensei."

Anko quickly pulled the sword out before bursting into laughter, it figured that the perverted brat would appreciate that technique.

"How is that technique useful?" Sakura demanded.

"It's very useful on 'infiltration' missions," Anko replied with a smirk.

"I too would like to learn that technique," Sasuke spoke up. The ability to hide small objects in the back of his throat would be invaluable in his quest to kill his brother.

"Thought you said you wanted to rebuild your clan?" Anko said oddly. "Ah well, I don't judge."

"What about me?" Naruto asked.

"Go over there and do pull ups while I explain the basics of the technique to these two," Anko instructed, "I'll be over in a bit."

"Yes, Anko," Naruto agreed cheerfully.

Omake: Mission

"Good news," Anko announced loudly, "ol'man Hokage thinks highly enough of our team to give us a 'B' ranked assassination mission." She tossed them a file. "Now I want you three to look over the info and come up with a viable plan."

Several hours later, Anko sighed in frustration. She'd never thought about how difficult it would be to teach the little brats some subtlety.

Sasuke nodded firmly. "I say we walk in, slaughter his family in front of him and then use some genjutsu to make him relive it several times and then when he's mentally broken and wishes for death with all his heart we have some common fuckin' decency and put him down!"

Sakura and Naruto just stared at their teammate as he came up with his fifth

plan in a row that seemed... off.

"Two major problems with your plan, Broody," Anko said in a tired voice, "the first being the guards . . ."

"Feh," Sasuke sniffed.

"The second being the fact that we're ninja, you know silent death and all that. You got something better for me, Pinky?"

"Could we . . . um . . . the file says that he enjoys eating fugu," Sakura said hesitantly, "how difficult would it be to arrange for the cook to make a mistake?"

"Better," Anko admitted. "Probably too difficult to bother with for a B rank, something to look into for an A rank though. Blonde, your turn."

"Well." Naruto's mind was a blank, they'd never taught him to do this stuff in the academy. All he knew how to do were pranks and . . . a slow smile formed on his face. "What if we . . ."

Eventually leading to . . .

Anko watched in shock as the target tripped on the loose floorboard that Naruto had arranged and into the scaffolding causing a boiling cauldron of roofing tar to fall down and coat the unfortunate man. The now screaming target blundered around until finally falling over the rail and several stories into a pile of leaves. Anko grinned widely as her ears detected the now leaf covered target's death rattle.

"Well, I gotta admit that I didn't expect that to work," Anko beamed down at her students. "This sort of overly complex plan usually doesn't."

"Much easier then pranking the Anbu," Naruto muttered, firmly pressed against Anko's chest with a happy smile.

Sakura sighed. "Naruto, must you spend all your time plastered to Sensei's chest?"

"Yes, yes I must. I'll stop when they pry my cold dead fingers off em!" Naruto growled.

Anko tried not to snicker.

And finally . . .

"Team Anko reporting a successful assassination," Anko reported proudly.

"Good job," the Hokage replied. He ignored the strange way the woman had begun referring to herself in the third person lately. Personality quirks were just one of the many hazards of the job.

"I have, Kakashi and his students," the hokage smiled fondly thinking of the way Kakashi always referred to his genin as his 'students', it showed he was taking his responsibility to train them seriously. "Scheduled for a C rank that is really a disguised B rank. I want to see how he handles it. Would you mind having Team Anko shadowing him and seeing that nothing harms his students? It's to Wave."

Omake: Chunin Examination

"What's this?" the clerk asked.

"I'm nominating my students for the Chunin Exam and I need you to process the paperwork," Kakashi said in a calm voice. A trail of sweat made its way down his forehead as he waited for the reply. All he had to do is get all the brats killed or promoted to Chunin and then he'd be free, gloriously free.

"All thirty of them?"

"Academy class three fifteen is exceptional," Kakashi said quickly, "and should be promoted at once."

"Denied," the bureaucrat said with his first genuine grin of the day, he dearly loved using his power to destroy people's dreams and ambitions. Using that power to avenge himself on the man who'd ruined his little girl's dream of becoming a ninja was wonderful beyond belief.

"What . . . but . . . but why?" Kakashi was close to tears.

"Section two subsection five paragraph three line four states that only active Gennin can be nominated for the Chunin exams," the bureaucrat's grin deepened, "how long have your students been Gennin?"

"Academy students are . . ."

"Not Gennin, good day."

"Wait," Kakashi cried out.

"Yes?" The bureaucrat asked.

"I Kakashi do promote all of my students to Gennin, now can I nominate them?"

"Of course," the bureaucrat agreed, "you should have done that in the first place."

"Great," Kakashi cheered.

"But first you'll have to do a small amount of paperwork," the bureaucrat said sadistically.

"Paperwork?"

"Not too much." He reached under his desk and pulled out a large stack of paper.

"I have to do all that?" Kakashi asked faintly.

"For each student, yes."

"All that?"

"And in triplicate," the bureaucrat added, "have a nice day."

Which leads to . . .

"I'm finished," Kakashi said happily, "finally finished."

"This all seems to be in order," the bureaucrat agreed. He tossed it all into a conveniently located garbage can.

"What'd you do that for?" Kakashi asked in horror.

"Hmmm? Oh, those were form thirty one twenty eight dash ones."

"So?"

"So they were replaced by the form thirty one twenty eight dash two earlier today. I'm afraid that you're going to have to do it all over again, this time using the new forms."

This of course leads to . . .

"Finished," Kakashi said happily.

"Looks like it," the bureaucrat agreed.

"And these forms didn't go obsolete suddenly, right?" Kakashi demanded.

"Nope," the bureaucrat agreed, "and even if they had you could just fill out a simple form ten dash fifteen to have them accepted as substitutes."

"How long is that form?"

"Just one page and it would have covered all of this," the bureaucrat said absently.

"So why didn't I just fill it out for the last batch of forms?" Kakashi asked dangerously.

"I don't know," the bureaucrat said with a shrug, "why didn't you?"

"I . . . I . . ." Kakashi managed to subdue his urge to kill. "So we're done now, right?" 

"Done filling out the request for the forms you need to fill out," the bureaucrat agreed. He placed a much larger stack of forms on the desk. "Just fill a set of these out for each student in triplicate and we'll be on our way."

"On our way to what?"

"The forms we need to fill out to get the forms we need to nominate them to become Gennin," the bureaucrat replied.

"Of . . . of course," Kakashi sighed. What had he done to deserve this?

Omake By Daenerys

Dear Anko,

Congratulations on finally receiving a genin team. I must admit that I was

surprised when my spy reported this to me, and infuriated when he revealed

just who was in it. Incidently, you may tell Sarutobi that Makishi Sato will

not be returning from his latest mission. I do not know how the old man

found out about my plans, nor how such a decrepit, overly pacifistic

geriatric was able to derail them so simply. That he managed to overule the

suggestions of his advisors and council is a great surprise to me, and

thoroughly annoying. As above, please pass my condolences to Sarutobi about

the recent accidents that have befallen several of the forementioned

council.

I had intended to adapt my plans to your presence, but once I found out just

what you were doing, have now decided against that. To my utmost surprise,

Sasuke, with those beautiful eyes of his, has already reached heights that I

only intended for him after several months of training. His lithe, but

muscular body is developing well under your supervision, and he is learning

skills that I thought would take much manipulation for him to study. Instead

he is approaching them with great determination instead. I thank you for

this.

Enclosed with this letter, I have included a summoning scroll for serpents

for the handsome boy to sign. Since you have taken the old man's ridiculous

"equality amongst teammates" foolishness to heart, I have also included four

other summonings that I have encountered. I have no idea what they might be

for, since I killed the previous contract holders before they could reveal

them, and Manda has been growing continually more jealous of late. As well,

I give you these flexibility exercises, which should complement the training

that Sasuke is following. The oil and camera go with this, if you could

please send pictures of his efforts to 'The Otokage, Hidden Village in the

Sound'. Again, training scrolls for strength and speed stolen from Tsunade

and Jiraiya are included for your other students if you MUST help them as

well.

For further training tips and valuable advice, I have included the profiles

of several other young gentlemen that Sasuke may be interested in. Their

enthusiasm for similar proclivities may help Sasuke reach his potential

faster. I would ask though, that he refrain from copying their penchant for

wearing female clothing. I am interested in boys, and do not want him

appearing elsewise.

Your Teacher

Orochimaru

Serpent Sannin

Otokage

Dear Orochimaru,

Please examine closely the explosive notes that have been activated by your

opening of this letter.

-Anko

Omake/Possible scene by polychromeknight

"So, to start off, you're going to learn to cook proper dango!"

"Ramen!" the outraged genin corrected.

Anko'd already opened her mouth to shout 'dango!' when instead a sly expression overtook her face. "So, you think ramen's better, huh kid?"

"Ramen's the best!!" the blond insisted.

A smile overtook the jonin's face. "Ok, but no one can start out on the top. You've got to work your way up to it, just like ninja ranks, to *deserve* the right to work with the best. So you'll start on dango. Then learn one favorite dish suggested by each of your teammates. Then, judging by how well you make those, we'll see if you're worthy of making ramen. But expect a long, hard road, kid."

"Hah! I'll show you!" the genin removed one hand from her breasts so he could pump a fist. "I'll be the best cook ever, and I'll earn the right to make ramen in no time!"


	14. I Did it, My Way

Disclaimer: And now, the end is near; and so I face, the final curtain.

I Did it, My Way

Naruto opened the forbidden scroll and glanced over the techniques. To his disgust, the first was a clone technique so he decided to glance at the next one.

"Hmmm, rectal prolapse no jutsu?" Naruto mumbled to himself. It looked much easier than the shadow clone technique. "Maybe it would be best to learn that one first?"

Everyone knows how the next part goes; Iruka finds his wayward student, there's a couple dramatic moments, and Naruto is forced to step in and use his proficiency with his newest technique to save the best instructor the academy has ever had.

"Lay one finger on Iruka Sensei, and I'll kill you!" Naruto growled.

"You?" Mizuki sneered. "What could a useless dead last like you do to me?"

"Rectal prolapse no jutsu!" Naruto screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHugh . . ." Mizuki's voice went hoarse as his eyes rolled up into his head and all the traitor could do is wallow in agony in a puddle of his own filth.

"Did I do good, Iruka Sensei?"

"Naruto," the pale chunin began.

"Yeah?"

"If I promote you to genin, do you promise to never use that jutsu on me?"

"Sure, Iruka sensei," Naruto agreed, feeling an immense sense of accomplishment. He had a technique so fearsome that it made his instructors tremble in fear.

"If we promise to teach you a few techniques, do you promise not to use it on us?" the leader of the Anbu team that had arrived just in time to see Naruto's finishing move interjected.

"Yay, new jutsu!" Naruto agreed.

We all know how the next few parts go too; Kakashi shows up late, Naruto show's Sasuke his mastery of Shibari, and Sakura says some cruel things

The difference is that buoyed by the unfamiliar feelings of respect (fear) he'd felt emanating from his instructor and the Anbu team, he decided to reach into his bag of pranks to do something to even the score.

Sasuke and Sakura were waiting patiently for their new team leader when he arrived ten minutes early the next morning.

"Where's blondie?" Kakashi asked, looking down at two of his three prospective students.

"He hasn't arrived yet, Sensei," Sakura replied.

"His loss," Kakashi shrugged. "Are you two ready for the test?"

"Hnn."

"Ready, Sensei," Sakura chirped.

"The first part is a race to the top of the Hokage monument," Kakashi said with a grin. "Don't let yourselves be seen, last one there loses their chance to become a ninja. Conceal yourselves and wait when you arrive, that's stage two."

"What about Naruto?" Sakura asked hesitantly. "He's not here yet."

"His loss," Kakashi replied with a shrug. "Lesson one, the best way to avoid an ambush is to arrive early. The test starts . . . now."

Kakashi watched his students disappear with a wide grin on his face. Dropping the Henge, Naruto propped himself against a tree to wait for the real Kakashi to arrive. Failing the test served the bastard right for being such a bastard and it served Sakura right for saying all those nasty things about him.

Kakashi arrived several hours late, as he was want to do, and immediately set the tone for the coming conversation.

"Where the hell are the other two?" Kakashi demanded.

"I figured out your test and I dealt with them," Naruto replied proudly. "Am I a genin now?"

"What do you mean, dealt with them?" Kakashi demanded again.

"What was your test?" Naruto returned.

"I've got two bells, the two students that get bells become genin The one that doesn't goes back to the academy," Kakashi replied. "Now where are the other two?"

"No one will ever find their bodies, Sensei," Naruto promised. "And in a completely unrelated note, the Akamichi family is going to have a barbecue tomorrow. We're invited."

"What do you mean, no one will ever find their bodies?" Kakashi demanded yet again, it was starting to become a habit.

"You wanted me to kill them both, right?" Naruto pasted a stupid expression on his face. "That's what you were hinting at yesterday when you said you didn't like all three of us. So I got to thinking, what would make Kakashi sensei like me? And then it came to me, I should kill my teammates so that Kakashi sensei will be happy." Naruto beamed up at his new instructor.

"You . . . I never . . ." Kakashi looked down at the child with a growing sense of horror. Just what in the hell were they teaching in the academy these days?

"Still have to get a bell, huh?" Naruto sighed. "Well, I guess you can't play favorites even though you do like me the most since I removed those two annoyances. Rectal prolapse no jutsu."

Kakashi remembered pain, horror, humiliation, waking up two hours later without the bells surrounded by his old Anbu team.

"We've notified the Hokage of what happened," Squirrel informed her old boss.

"He wants to see you right away," Beaver agreed.

"But not so soon that you don't change and shower first," Skink interjected.

Meanwhile, in Naruto's apartment; while Kakashi was making the walk of shame to the Hokage Tower, Hinata was looking for things to add to her 'collection.'

The girl checked the time, she had to act fast before Naruto finished his ramen and came back to the apartment. A bit of searching revealed something that caused the girl to squeal in pleasure. Naruto hadn't bothered to clean his drain, a clogged drain meant more hair for the ball. After carefully securing her prize in a special pocket above her heart, the girl made her escape.

Back at the Hokage's office, Kakashi was learning that there were worse things in life than getting tricked and defeated by a genin; having your boss and colleagues know that you were tricked and defeated by a genin

"So let me get this straight, a genin tricked you into thinking that he'd murdered his teammates and he tricked his teammates into missing the exam?" The Hokage asked, rubbing a bit of salt into Kakashi's emotional wounds.

"That's actually kind of admirable," Asuma observed. "Don't expect to see that level of deception in the baby genin"

"Not to mention the fact that he defeated Kakashi afterward," Kurenai added. "That's impressive as hell coming from a genin, even allowing that the little bastard had surprise on his side."

"If Kakashi doesn't want him, I'll take the little bastard," one of the instructors that had failed their team spoke up.

"I wouldn't mind a fourth on my team," Kurenai said quickly, thinking about how happy it would make Hinata.

"Nor would I," Asuma agreed.

"He's Kakashi's student and I think it only fair to allow Kakashi to keep him for now," the Hokage ruled.

"Awwwwww."

"Regarding the other two students," Sarutobi continued, ignoring the miasma of disappointment that had filled the room. "I think it only fair that they be given a chance to take the test again."

"Can I also have Naruto take the test again?" Kakashi asked with hope filled eyes.

"Sure, knock yourself out."

Kakashi was almost giddy with relief, all he had to do was fail the little bastard and he'd be free, gloriously free.

He was only three hours late the next day, punctuating how important the whole test thing was. To his immense surprise, the team hadn't shown up. Perhaps it would have been a good idea to tell them that they were expected to?

"We can get them here," one of his old subordinates announced her presence. "It's no trouble at all, Pinky and Duckbutt are still hiding on the monument."

"And the other one?"

"Is in Anbu headquarters," she replied. Being stuffed full of ramen by Kakashi's old team as a thank you for what he'd done to the man. "So it's no trouble to bring him here either."

"You'd do that for me?" Kakashi was honestly touched, all this time he'd thought she didn't like him.

"I'd do that to move things along," she corrected. The sooner the fight happened, the sooner she could collect on her bets. "Why don't you just wait here."

It didn't take long for the team of highly trained Anbu to round up Naruto's wayward prospective teammates and even less time to bring Naruto to the field.

"In this corner, our former Captain, Kakashi the perpetually late," Squirrel announced.

"BOOOOOOOOO!" The crowd of concealed Anbu showed their displeasure.

"And in this corner, the whirlwind of destruction, the typhoon of terror . . . Naruuuutoooo Uuuuuzuuuumakiiiii!"

"YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!" The well concealed crowd went wild.

"What about us?" Sakura shouted.

"And two chumps," the Anbu agreed.

The sound of crickets echoed through the clearing.

"Finished?" Kakashi asked.

"For now," the Anbu agreed.

"Now that yesterday's misunderstanding has been cleared up." Kakashi glared at Naruto. "We'll be having our real final test."

"Do we get credit for the twenty six hours we hid on top of the Hokage Monument?" Sakura asked sweetly. She couldn't wait to tell the others that she'd spent the night with Sasuke.

"Sure," Kakashi agreed. "Ground rules are; Naruto is not permitted to use the jutsu he used on me yesterday," Kakashi said firmly. "There are two bells, get a bell and you pass. Fail and you fail. Annnnnd begin."

Kakashi sighed when the loud genin candidate remained behind. 'What does the little bastard want now?'

"I was in the middle of lunch when you called, do you mind if I go into town to get something to eat and coming back?" Naruto called out. "An awesome Ninja like me shouldn't need more then a couple minutes to get that bell from you."

"Leave this clearing and you fail," Kakashi said with a smile. "By all means, go ahead and fail." Few things would make him happier at this point.

"What if you leave the clearing?" Naruto persisted. "Does that mean we pass?"

"Sure," Kakashi agreed, "whatever. Ready to start now?"

"Yeah," Naruto cheered. His hands formed a strange sign. "I set your house on fire no jutsu."

"What?" Kakashi asked flatly.

"Before I came here," Naruto explained, "if you go back now then you might be able to put it out before everything is destroyed."

Kakashi's visible eye widened when he noticed a column of smoke raising from his neighborhood.

A dozen Anbu appeared a few seconds after Kakashi had run out of the clearing squealing like a little girl.

"What'd you really do, kid?" Mouse asked.

"Smoke bombs," Naruto replied.

"How'd you know to rig his house with smoke bombs in order to pass the test?" Moose asked.

"I didn't," Naruto admitted. "But I thought it might be a good distraction."

"Would you like us to go tell the Hokage you passed?" Sparrow inquired.

"That'd be great!" Naruto cheered. "Thanks, Sparrow."

"No problem, kid. Always happy to help take my old team leader down a peg or twelve."

Needless to say, the Hokage was tremendously amused by the whole thing.

"How'd he get the timing on the smoke bombs right?" Sarutobi stroked his beard.

"They were command detonated," Squid reported. "Brilliant, no?"

"Brilliant, yes," the Hokage laughed. The old man was still laughing when Kakashi stormed in five minutes later.

"I want a do over," Kakashi announced.

"Why?" Sarutobi pulled out his 'special' pipe and reached for his 'special' tobacco, the kind that gave the village its name.

"Naruto . . ."

"Passed," Sarutobi interrupted. "Just got the report from several of my loyal Anbu."

"But . . . but . . . but . . ." Kakashi was close to tears.

"I'll give you permission to reassess the other two," the Hokage said after a moment of thought. "But only because they haven't done anything. Naruto's beaten your test twice so Naruto's in as your student."

"But it was supposed to test teamwork," Kakashi whined.

"Meh, not my problem."

"Is there anything I can do to convince you to assign Naruto to another team?" Kakashi begged.

"It occurs to me that Gai is one of my most effective ninja," the Hokage observed. "He states it's because of the flames of youth, others believe that it is because of his green spandex. I propose we try a little experiment."

"You don't mean . . ."

"I do mean." Sarutobi smiled sadistically. "That you will wear his green spandex jumpsuit for at least seven months, after that time I may be willing to consider any transfer requests." You didn't get to be Hokage without being a sadistic bastard, Sarutobi was just better at keeping it restrained than his predecessors most of the time. Pity poor Kakashi that the constant tardiness had gotten on his boss's nerves.

It was a broken man that left the Hokage's office as Kakashi wept for the loss of the innocence he hadn't known he'd still possessed.

"Would you like us to take pictures, Hokage-sama?" Squid asked.

"And post them around town?" his partner, Penguin added hopefully.

"Why yes," the Hokage agreed. "I believe I would like that."

While the Hokage was discussing strategy with two of his loyal Anbu, Hinata was back in Naruto's apartment on another scavenging expedition.

Hinata rummaged through Naruto's hamper for a few minutes before emerging with her prize. A smile appeared on the girl's face after giving the boxers a deep whiff, yep, these ones were keepers.

Before leaving, the girl thoughtfully left a couple clean pairs to replace the one she'd taken. As she snuck out the window, a thought occurred to the girl; Naruto's jump suits were looking a bit snug in some places, perhaps it was time to sneak in again some night to measure the boy so she could get replacements the right size? The girl almost lost her hold on the drain pipe as she remembered the last time she'd 'taken measurements'. It had been the best birthday ever.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi waddled to the team meeting the next day. Shoulders down, hanging head, green spandex; the very portrait of despair.

"Bet that makes you happy, eh?" Naruto whispered to his hated teammate.

"What?" Sasuke replied, honestly confused.

"You know, the green spandex, on account of you being." Naruto made an odd hand gesture.

"What, no!"

"You mean you're not gay?" Naruto asked in shock.

"NO!" Sasuke screamed. "Whatever gave you the idea that . . ."

"I just thought you had a thing for your brother with the way you're always obsessing over him," Naruto replied with a shrug.

"I want to kill him, not sleep with him," Sasuke said firmly.

"Then why you have his picture taped to the ceiling above your bed so he's the first thing you see every day?" Naruto accused.

"So I can focus my hate on him in the morning," Sasuke said quickly.

"But . . ."

"I'm not gay and I don't have a brother fetish," Sasuke said firmly.

"Naruto?" Sakura said, an odd look forming on her face.

"What is it, Sakura-chan?"

"Why do you know that there's a picture on Sasuke's ceiling?"

"What's the mission today, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto said quickly, hoping to distract attention from Sakura's last question.

"We've got to find and capture the Daimyo's wife's cat," Kakashi said in a tone of total defeat. Why couldn't he have died with his team?

Unbeknownst to the students by completely beknownst to their instructor, a team of Anbu shadowed team 7 as they carried out their first assignment.

"Ten ryo that our boy hits Kakashi with THAT jutsu again before the day ends," Lobster offered.

"No bet," Penguin laughed. "Five says he does it in the next ten minutes."

"There it is," Naruto's voice called out in the distance. "Rectal prolapse no jutsu."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kakashi's scream echoed through the forest.

"No bet," Lobster said firmly.

"MYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" A feline yawl came close on the heels of Kakashi's scream.

"Sounds like they caught Tora," Clam observed, his bushy beard twitching as he talked.

"Sounds like it," Penguin agreed.

"Dibs on telling the Hokage what happened," Lobster said quickly.

"Ten ryo says the old man breaks a rib," Clam offered, stroking his beard.

"No bet," Lobster replied as he took off.

"Damn."

IIIIIIIIII

Ino groaned as her father listed all the things she'd done wrong on her latest attempt at mastering the family techniques.

"That's just because I'm in practice," Ino huffed. "None of that would matter if I was doing it for real."

"You think so, huh?" Inoichi laughed. "Try it then."

"What?"

"Try it on me," he ordered.

"Are you sure, daddy?" Ino asked.

"Afraid your old man can't take it?" He tapped his head with his index finger. "Give it your best shot."

"Alright," she agreed slowly. She went through the motions and hit her father with the jutsu. Her first indication that something had gone wrong was when he dropped to his knees holding his head.

"Oh god," he choked, covering the ground with freshly squeezed vomit. "I'm free."

"Daddy, what?"

"I can't believe she . . ." the man vomited again.

"I thought I felt my control slip," he mother sighed, stepping into the yard. "Don't be alarmed, darling. I'll have this taken care of in a minute."

"How could you . . . you're my sister," Inoichi screamed, trying to back away from the woman.

"And now I'm your wife," she agreed.

"What's going on?" Ino asked, more than a bit confused by what was happening.

"Your father just being a big baby," her mother explained as she hit the man with a jutsu. "All I did was help him get over his hang-ups about marrying me." She giggled. "Big brother always was a bit of a drama queen."

"Big brother?" Ino asked sickly.

"You know anyone outside the family with our shade of hair?" The woman asked with an amused grin.

"Um . . . I . . . you . . ."

"Come on, husband," she prompted, causing the man to rise to his feet. "I've got a lot of work to do with you before you're ready to go out in public again."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto cheered as the Anbu put another bowl of ramen in front of him.

"So wait," the boy said, cheeks full of noodles and broth. "What does Hokage mean again?"

"Fire shadow," the Anbu replied.

"Really? I was sure everyone was joking when they said that!" Naruto exclaimed in shock.

"Duh, what did you think it meant?" The Anbu asked.

"I figured it had something to do with girls," Naruto replied. The boy paused to think about something. "Is it too late to change my dream?"

"I don't suppose it's too late, but power does attract woman and the Hokage has a lot of power," the Anbu teased.

"Hmmm... Power means chicks," Naruto said thoughtfully.

IIIIIIIIII

Ino is later sitting alone in the dark in her room, trying to repress what she'd learned with all her might when the door creaked open.

"It's me, princess," Inoichi said softly. "I'm sorry I had to fool you earlier."

"So mother doesn't really have you under her control?"

"Nope."

"And you aren't really sister and brother?" Ino asked hopefully.

"That part's true," he laughed. "It's also why I have to let her think that she's the one using the family techniques on me."

"What?" Her world came crashing down again.

"You know how it is," he sighed. "Gotta make sure she doesn't have a reason to check her mind too closely."

"I . . . I . . . I . . ."

"Good night, princess." He gave her a soft kiss on the brow.

Ino spent a couple more sleepless minutes in the dark trying to repress it all before her mother arrived to wish her goodnight.

"Did your father have a talk with you?" Her mother asked.

"Yes," Ino squeaked.

"Good, then you realize how important it is to let him believe that he's got me under his thrall." The woman huffed. "You don't have any clue how difficult it was to get him back under control. Then again, big brother always was hard headed." She gave her daughter a soft kiss on the brow. "Good night, sweetie."

"I . . . I . . . I . . ."

With a smile on her face, Ino's mother walked back to her bedroom to rejoin her husband. With a sigh of contentment, she snuggled up to her husband, her lover, her best friend.

"Think we should tell her the truth in the morning?" He murmured.

"I think we should give her a couple days to see if she figures it out her self," she replied. "Maybe she'll also figure out that it's rude to fill up the sink with dirty dishes while she's at it."

"Maybe," he agreed doubtfully.

IIIIIIIIII

Hinata peeled the sheets off her obsession's sleeping form and then took a few moments to admire it. **HER** Naruto truly was an example of perfection made flesh. Her breathing quickened as she pulled out the measuring tape. A sudden thought occurred, Naruto was a growing boy and it was probably best to measure him more often to make sure he had clothes that fit. A bit of drool leaked out of the corner of Hinata's mouth. Sometimes, she loved her life.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto awoke the next day and was happy to see that he wasn't wearing any pajamas. That meant the clothes fairy was going to visit and refill his closet with awesome new outfits. He jumped out of bed and got dressed, it was time for another exciting day with his mediocre team.

"I'm ready!" Naruto bellowed as he ran out of his apartment. "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!" 

IIIIIIIIII

Lee was aghast, shocked, horrified, by what he was hearing from the woman behind the counter. How dare she cast aspirations on his mighty teacher's masterful outfit.

"Unfashionable?" Lee repeated, unable to believe what he was hearing.

"Maybe that was the wrong word to use," the clerk said quickly, wanting to get the crazy boy out of her store as soon as possible. "Maybe all it needs is a couple accessories to be perfect."

"What sort of accessories?" Lee demanded.

"Boots, gloves, that sort of thing," the woman replied.

"I see!" Lee took a thinking pose. "Yes, yes I believe I understand what you are trying to say! What must I do to repay your youthful act of youthfulness?"

"Agree to never come back and we'll call it even," the woman replied hopefully.

"Nay, I could never let such a youthful act remain unrecompensed!" Lee shouted. "I know, I shall stand outside and attract a hundred customers to your store, and if I don't do that I shall . . ."

"NO!" She screamed. "I mean, if you do that you won't have time to accessorize . . . in another shop . . . far away from here."

"You are correct!" Lee agreed. "What must I . . ."

"Like I said, never come back and we'll call it even," the woman interrupted. "I'm . . . uh . . . repaying a debt and I must . . . give a thousand people fashion advise and . . . uh . . . I gave you some so I must find the next person."

"SUCH YOUTH!" Lee cried. "You will not be forgotten!" 

She watched as the crazed boy bound out of her shop. "Move to Konoha, she said, ninja have plenty of money, she said, and you'll be safe in the middle of a ninja village," the woman sighed. "I hate my mother!"

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi arrived two hours after his students and commanded the brats to follow him to the Hokage tower for their next mission.

"Good news everyone," Sarutobi said with a confused smile. "I've received a petition requesting that your team be sent out of the village before Naruto accidently uses his new jutsu on someone important. Speaking of which, Naruto, would you mind demonstrating that jutsu on me?"

"Rectal prolapse no jutsu," Naruto called out.

"Ah, regularity," the Hokage sighed. "How I missed it. Anyway, your mission is to deliver a drunken transient to Wave Country which is even now being crushed under the boot of the evil Gato Corporation."

"Yay!" Naruto cheered. "C-rank."

"We won't let you down, sir," Sakura promised.

"I'm sure you won't, I always know I can trust people with the same blood type I have," Sarutobi replied. "Now have fun out there." The old man leaned in close to whisper to Kakashi. "If anything happens to her, bring back the blood."

IIIIIIIIII

Lee ran up to his sensei as the sun broke the horizon wearing a few additions to his normal green jumpsuit. On his hands were a pair of yellow gloves, on his feet were a pair of yellow boots, and on his groin was a yellow codpiece.

"I am ready to train, Gai-Sensei!" Lee shouted. "I am flaming with youth!"

"That you are my young student!" Gai agreed. "But one question poses itself!"

"What is that, Gai-Sensei?"

"Why have you made youthful additions to your youthful jumpsuit?" Gai bellowed.

"I have spoken with the most youthful shopkeeper and she gave me most youthful fashion advice!"

"Your youth is an inspiration but it also shows that your training is incomplete!" Gai announced.

"Tell me what I must do, to make my youth more complete and stoke the flames of my flaming youth!" Lee begged.

"It is simple, my most youthful student!" Gai promised. "All we must do is make two flaming changes to your most youthful new uniform. First, we must put youthful letters on the chests! A 'G' for me and a youthful 'L' for you!" 

"What must we do then, Gai-Sensei?" Lee replied.

"Then we must take a page from my hip rival and wear youthful masks!" Gai replied. "But while his mask lacks youth, ours will be nothing but youthful!"

"Yes, yes I understand Gai-Sensei!" Lee shouted. "Our youthful masks will cover only our youthful eyes to provide a dark background to better show the flames of youth shooting out of our very souls!"

"LEE!" Gai held open his arms.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried, throwing himself into the man's embrace.

AN: Been a while since I posted anything. In grad school at the moment trying to finish up my degree, don't expect a lot till sometime this summer.

Editing and polish by dogbertcarroll

Typos by: Stephane Plante, shalgalmx, lancemeister1994


	15. Rorschach's Pie

Story fragments are like puzzle pieces. They are at their best when linked together. 

Rorschach's Pie

Hinata's eyes burned with rage as she saw the last Uchiha lock lips with HER Naruto!

A quick glance at the object of her desire confirmed that HER Naruto was just as disgusted by the whole thing as she was. Her gaze narrowed as it returned to Sasuke, it seemed that someone needed a little lesson on why it was best to keep their hands to themselves.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke frowned in annoyance when one of the classes biggest losers blocked his path. While a Hyuuga might be an acceptable mother for the next generation of Uchiha, this particular Hyuuga was not.

"You shouldn't try to force your attention on Naruto!" Hinata said fiercely.

"Get out of my way," Sasuke demanded.

"Byakugan." Looked like someone wanted to learn their lesson the hard way.

The next thing Sasuke knew, he was in a bed in the intensive care wing of Konoha's hospital.

"My god." The medic nin looked in horror at the brutal beating the patient had endured. "What in the hell happened to you, kid?"

"I fell down some stairs," Sasuke said dully, not wanting to admit the shyest girl in class (and possibly all of Konoha) had beaten him like a rented drum and a slight, okay more than slight, fear of what she'd do if he squealed on her.

"I see." The medic stepped away from the bed and out of the room to confer with his colleagues.

"What happened to him?" the Hokage's Anbu representative asked.

"Says he fell down some stairs," the medic nin replied. "Apparently stairs that knew how to use the Jyuken."

"And are incredibly sadistic," another medic nin added. "I don't know what he did to those stairs to make them angry, and I hope I never find out."

"I'll go inform the Hokage," the Anbu said dully. He hated his job almost as much as he was beginning to hate Medic Nins.

Anko stepped out of the way to let him pass, her ears having heard the magic words to attract her attention 'incredibly sadistic'.

She often hung around the hospital in her off hours (when the bars weren't yet open) listening for those two magical words, how else was she suppose to find an acceptable apprentice? Train a team? Yeah, right! Like Konoha would allow her to mold three genin into what she wanted.

One however...

She was sure she could get away with training one genin before someone else managed to get their hooks into them and ruined them with all that tree hugging hippy crap that was in vogue for leaf ninja these days.

IIIIIIIIII

Finally untying himself from the log he'd been tied to by his sensei at the end of the bell test (having only managed it by finally forming a kage bunshin and having it release him) Naruto ran up to the Academy to greet his favorite teacher.

"Sorry I'm late Iruka sensei," the blond boy grinned. "Let's go get ramen now."

"Before we do," Iruka took a deep breath he was worried that his favorite student start picking up some of his new teacher's less reputable habits. "I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"Promptness is a sign of respect," the scarred man began. "Showing up late is a sign of contempt, if you show up late you're telling everyone in the meeting that you don't respect them enough to show up on time."

"I'm sorry," the blond looked down at his feet. "Our mission went a little long and I couldn't get here on time . . . I didn't mean to tell you I didn't respect you."

"Don't worry about it," Iruka ruffled the boy's hair. "I figured that it was something like that, it's ok if you have a good reason and you're not late all the time."

"Ok," Naruto's good mood returned. "Now let's go get some ramen."

IIIIIIIIII 

"Neji," Hiashi said calmly. "Where were you at fifteen hundred this afternoon?"

"I was training with my team, Hiashi-sama," Neji replied promptly.

"I see. You may go." Hiashi frowned, if it wasn't Neji then which member of his clan had put the last Uchiha in his place? 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Hinata," Hiashi barked.

"Y-yes, father?" Hinata stammered.

"Do you have any insights as to why Sasuke Uchiha ended up in the hospital?"

"M . . . maybe he needed a lesson on keeping his hands to himself?" Hinata offered shyly, and maybe she was going to have to give the boy a lesson on how to keep his mouth shut.

"I see. You may go," he said mechanically. In the depths of his mind Hiashi's fatherly instinct, something thought long dead, stirred. How dare that poorly bred excuse for a clan heir try to force his attentions on Hinata? Of course, he felt a rush of pride, his daughter had given the proper response to the insult. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Naruto ate several bowls of ramen and returned to his apartment. After brushing his teeth he went to bed and tried to go to sleep.

"Somethings wrong," Naruto muttered to himself. "I can't get to sleep because somethings bothering me."

He stared at his darkened ceiling for several minutes before it came to him, "Kakashi is always late and he always gives those lame excuses . . . Kakashi doesn't respect me." He concluded, ignoring that he'd only ever met the jonin twice now. A tear made its way down the boy's cheek, "well then I won't respect him either."

It was a very tired Naruto that arrived at his team's meeting place and he waited as the meeting time came and went.

"I'm going home," Naruto announced. "I need to get some more sleep."

"You can't leave!" Sakura shrieked. "What about Kakashi? You can't just leave, you have to wait until he shows up."

"Why should I wait for someone I don't respect?" Naruto muttered as he began walking away.

"What?" Sakura's eyes widened, that was the last thing she expected to hear from her unwanted teammate. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Yo." Kakashi gave a lazy grin.

"You're late!" Sakura shouted.

"Where's Naruto?" Kakashi ignored his pink haired student and looked around.

"He left sensei," Sakura tattled. "He said that he wasn't going to bother waiting for someone he had no respect for."

"Oh," the masked man nodded. "Then you two do some exercises or something while I go get Naruto." Kakashi frowned as he made his way to the wayward Gennin's apartment, whatever did he mean when he said he didn't respect his teacher?

"Kakashi," Naruto said as the man landed on his window sill. "Something I can do for you?"

"You didn't show up to the meeting Naruto." Kakashi smiled. "Why?"

"I showed up," Naruto protested. "And I waited and you didn't show up so I left."

"You should have waited Naruto." Kakashi's smile widened.

"Ten minute rule," Naruto shrugged. "If you're not there within ten minutes of the time you gave then I'll assume that you aren't going to show up . . . was there anything else you wanted?"

"You told Sakura that you didn't respect me," Kakashi got to the point. "Why?"

"I was talking to someone and they told me something," Naruto paused. "They said that showing up on time was a sign of respect and that lateness was a sign of contempt . . . I don't see the need to show respect for someone that shows me so much contempt."

"Oh . . ." Kakashi was stunned, how to answer this in a way that would let it die a natural death. "You shouldn't worry about it Naruto . . . I'm always late."

"And I'm always on time." Naruto smiled. "So if you're not then I won't be there, anything else?"

"You need to show up to meetings Naruto," Kakashi scolded.

"Why?" Naruto looked puzzled. "If you're not going to show up then why should I?"

"You're my subordinate and I expect you to show up," Kakashi said as he patted Naruto on the head.

"Can you teach me a cool jutsu?" Naruto asked suddenly. "Since you are my teacher and all."

"No," Kakashi replied with a shake of his head. "Now run along back to the meeting place."

"So you're not my teacher then," Naruto said in a tone of understanding. "I just wanted to make sure, bye Kakashi."

Before he'd even gotten out of the apartment Naruto found he was grabbed by the back of his jacket and disappearing in a swirl of leaves. When they reappeared at the training ground, Kakashi tossed his student negligently to the grass. "One push-up for every minute you didn't wait, Naruto. Sakura, watch him and keep count. Sasuke, come with me." 

IIIIIIIIII 

Training for the day was over. Sakura had tattled about the four times Naruto had tried to sneak away, resulting in Kakashi ordering him to do another eighty push-ups for punishment duty. This time Sasuke had volunteered to watch him, and Naruto learned why when the Uchiha prodigy chose to use that opportunity to regale him with a list of every failing the blond boy had.

"And that's why you're worthless," Sasuke finished with a smirk, feeling much better about having been humiliated by that shy girl the day before yesterday after having taken her crush down a peg. "Even Kakashi agrees."

"What makes you say that?" Naruto asked mildly, collapsing after his last push-up. Even Kakashi might have been scared by the amount of pranks whirling through his mind during his treatment today.

"The fact that he doesn't take you out to train," Sasuke boasted. "While he has one on one training with me every day since being assigned to us." Private training under Kakashi and belittling that girl's crush had restored his confidence. He had nothing to fear.

"Ah . . . tell me Sasuke." Naruto rolled over to face the teme and made a few quick seals behind his back. "Have you taken a close look at the cover of Kakashi's book?"

"What do you mean?" Sasuke demanded. "What about his perverted book?"

"Just look at the cover," Naruto suggested.

"Fine," Sasuke agreed. The boy got up from his seat and walked over to his sensei and paled in shock.

"Well?" Naruto asked when his teammate returned.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sasuke stammered.

"Didn't know he was reading the Yaoi edition huh?" Naruto asked. "Puts a whole new spin on that one on one training."

"I said I didn't want to talk about it," Sasuke stubbornly maintained.

"Ok," Naruto agreed. "Just thought I'd give you a warning. What are teammates for, after all?"

That should put an end to all those personal lessons, Naruto thought to himself with a satisfied smile. His eyes widened as Sasuke eagerly obeyed Kakashi's summons and the two went off for additional private time.

"Or not?" he said to himself. "You think you know someone. Hey, Kakashi sensei, what are we supposed to do?"

"Why don't you two take the day off?" Kakashi suggested. "You deserve to have a break."

"But what about training?" Naruto asked weakly.

"No amount of training could help a loser like you," Sasuke said with a smirk.

"Yeah you idiot," Sakura agreed.

As Naruto turned away the Uchiha saw a chance to further gain their teacher's favor by emulating his technique. "A Thousand Years of Pain!" Sasuke shouted, forming the seal to give the dobe an ass poke, sending the fool shooting fifteen feet in the air at the violation.

In the distant bushes, white eyes burned with rage.

Kakashi considered and discarded the idea of calling his student back as Naruto recovered from his jump and fall, turning away, shoulders drooping in disappointment. It really was for the best to give Sasuke all his attention, he told himself again as he watched Naruto walk away. Every second he could give to his most precious student strengthened the village ten times more then a second wasted on his other two. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"It seems that someone did not take their lesson well."

Sasuke frowned in annoyance when the girl from before blocked his path as he left private training. This time he fell into a fighting stance, declaring, "You won't catch me off guard again."

"Byakugan." One lesson her father HAD taught her if the message didn't take the first time, repeat as often as necessary, getting harsher and harsher each time, until it did. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Hinata?" Hiashi was lurking when the young girl got home from watching Naruto to see if he was ok.

"Y-yes, father?" the poor girl stammered, startled and flinching at his unexpected appearance.

"For a second time Sasuke Uchiha has entered the hospital suffering grievous bodily harm. His injuries were described as unusually graphic and severe. The chief medic asked me if I knew of any doorknobs that practiced the Jyuken. I told him I would look into the matter. Do you have any insights to add?"

"M . . . maybe he didn't learn his lesson the first time?" Hinata was too scared of her father to note his fiery disapproval was unusually calm today.

"I see. You may go," he repeated mechanically, quite surprised to feel the small yet fierce flicker of pride gradually appearing with regards to his eldest daughter over her being able to repeat a suitable response to the Uchiha's unwanted advances. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Ooh, I like this person already," Anko marked out on a map of Konoha the two locations thus far the Uchiha's mysterious assailant had beaten him like an unwanted rug. So far there were two, the Ninja Academy and the training grounds for the new team the Uchiha was on, neither gave any clue about the unknown assailant as they were both places Sasuke could be expected to be.

About the only thing better than this person's evident sadism or their choice of target was their ability to get away with it in a town full of ninja. Anko admired this person's audacity to hit perhaps the highest profile target in Konoha, then do it again two days later.

Oh yes, Anko smiled, they would have fun training together. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Naruto sat atop the Fourth Hokage's head staring out over the village of his birth.

He knew that he couldn't let his teammates keep belittling him like that, after all how would people respect a Hokage that didn't stand up for himself? The only problem was that Sasuke was too strong, it was a bitter pill to swallow but Naruto could admit that fact . . . if only to himself. What to do? He wondered to himself, if only being a ninja was like playing jokes on people. Sasuke would  
never know what hit him, he might have the edge on ninja skills but when it came to pranks, Naruto was a master.

A light bulb went off above that suddenly no-longer depressed genin's head. If humiliation was what he was after, what could be more perfect than pranks?

His mind made up, Naruto set about the task of planning his next operation. They would pay, he cackled to himself, oh yes they would pay. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Excuse me," Sasuke said dully as he walked into the turkish bath. "But do you have a bulletin board that I can post a message on?"

"Sure," the man behind the counter agreed. "But I don't think this is your kind of place Uchiha sama."

"Why not?" Sasuke demanded. "And my name is not Uchiha, it is . . . Sakura."

"Sakura?"

"Yes," Sasuke agreed. "Sakura, I have pink hair and nothing to do with Sasuke Uchiha . . . understand?"

"Sure," the man agreed. "Whatever you say kid."

Sasuke walked up to the bulletin board and posted a small message containing his description and a notation promising a good time in the Uchiha district . . . and another that assured the reader that it had nothing to do with Sasuke Uchiha at all. With a smile of Anticipation, Sasuke walked out of the bath and into an alley.

Naruto giggled as he dropped the henge, this was gonna be fun. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Sakura felt everything was back to normal the next day, until Naruto ignored her, going off to create a clone of himself to play Cat's Cradle with. Naturally they tied themselves in knots, which gave her a chance to laugh at him, not realizing both were clones.

Sasuke also showed up late, and didn't join her in mocking Naruto, studiously ignoring their shared teammates as though the blond increasingly tied up with his clone did not exist and diminishing Sakura's joy at doing it until their sensei had arrived, once more dismissing her and Naruto to take the Uchiha off to special one-on-one training.

Off in another training field, Kurenai wondered why Hinata had her Byakugan active all of the time with a determined scowl on her face. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"This next jutsu . . ." Kakashi trailed off. What was that strange look in the boy's eye? "As I was saying, this next Jutsu allows you cover your had with lightning. It isn't very useful on it's own but . . ." There was that look again. "But it helps to learn other lighting Jutsu if you master this one first."

"Are we going to be doing any sparring today?" Sasuke asked dully. "I think I need more practice with my grappling."

"Uh . . . no, no grappling today."

"Un."

"Right then . . . The first thing you need to do is . . ." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"What is it Naruto?" The Hokage asked kindly, not expecting the boy to show up in his office when his team ought to be training. Ah, this was probably a kage bunshin, then. He smiled. It must be important, then, for the child to spend the chakra rather than wait until after training.

"I was just wondering," Naruto began with a poorly concealed smile. "Can anyone pay for a mission?"

"Yes," the old man agreed. "Anyone, even you."

"Then I want to hire Konoha to do something for me," Naruto said grandly. "So long as Team Seven gets the mission."

"What is it Naruto?" The Hokage asked with a sigh.

"First, I wanna know if there's a discount for only using a partial team?"

"You mean if you were to give your sensei a day off or have one of your teammates do the same?"

"Yeah," Naruto agreed.

"Hmmm." To be frank, he was impressed with the boy's cunning. It was brilliant, assign a long mission to himself and the girl. It was the perfect way of going on a date with a reluctant teammate. "Sure," he said with a smile. "I'll only charge you a bowl of ramen."

"Really?" Naruto squeaked. "You're the greatest old man."

"So what's this mission you want assigned?" 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Gai."

"Yes my eternal rival," Gai agreed.

"I need your advice," Kakashi sighed. "I think one of my students just came on to me . . ."

"So young Sakura has entered the spring time of her youth," Gai said loudly. "You must remember to let her down gently so that . . ."

"Not Sakura," Kakashi corrected. "Sasuke."

"What?" Gai asked flatly. "Why are you asking me about this?"

"Well you are gay," Kakashi replied. "Aren't you?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"Well, the green spandex. The fact that you constantly work out, the way you hug that student of yours," Kakashi ticked off reasons.

As Gai stammered denials, Kakashi came to two conclusions. The first was that coming to Gai had been a mistake and the second was that he'd just pretend like nothing had happened and hope that everything went back to normal.

Both jonins missed the two squirrels trying not to watch them too intently, or that hawks watched Kakashi that day as he went around to all of his fellow jonin sensei seeking advice.

Byukagan eyes missed nothing as they watched the Uchiha for further infractions that day. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Naruto was more then a bit disappointed to find out that his little stunt hadn't resulted in the dramatic confrontation that he had hoped for. In fact, as far as he could tell no one had even answered the fake ad. Sighing at another missed opportunity to send a bit of pay back in the direction of his teammate, Naruto forgot about his little stunt until later that day when he happened upon an informal gathering of ninja and heard the rumors that he'd accidentally spawned . . .

"I should have known," Ino sighed in disappointment. "No boy is that pretty."

"Called that one," Kiba boasted with a satisfied grin. "Eh' Akamaru?"

"Arf!" 

"Kakashi's youthful student has finally discovered the spring time of his youth," Gai declared loudly. "Though not in a manner that I would choose."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," Lee added quickly.

"Of course not," Gai agreed.

"They can't be true," Sakura sobbed. "They just can't be . . . maybe I could get him to agree to an open relationship."

"He is after Naruto," Hinata said fearfully. "I know he is. I've caught him twice before. No one can resist Naruto."

"TWICE?" the assembled fangirls screamed in alarm.

Hinata nodded. "First that day Sasuke stole Naruto's first kiss in class. Then when training with his team he . . . he fondled N-Naruto-kun's bottom."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

IIIIIIIIII 

Naruto slept in the next day and made the short walk to the Hokage's office around an hour before his teacher would normally show up to meet them.

"Hi Kakashi sensei," he said cheerfully, seeing the man there.

"No mission today Naruto," Kakashi said. "Why don't you take another day off?"

"Ok," Naruto agreed. He ignored the angry secretary and burst into the old man's office. "Ready to go get our ramen now?"

"Let me just grab my hat," the old man said. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Sakura shot another glance at her favorite teammate as she waited for her other teammate and their instructor to show. Where was that moron? She wondered to herself, it wasn't like him to be so late. Maybe . . . maybe he was staying away from Sasuke? If that were true then that gave her more time to lure the Uchiha back to thinking about girls. She might have to thank Naruto . . . in a way that made it clear that she had absolutely no interest in him.

"You're late," she screamed when she noticed her instructor watching them with an odd expression on his face.

"Sorry I'm late but . . . "

"Liar."

"Where's Naruto?" Sakura demanded. "That idiot's even later then you."

"He won't be taking part in this mission," Kakashi said firmly. "Our client has requested that the two of you perform this mission alone."

"Really?" Sakura said with little hearts in her eyes.

"Yes," Kakashi agreed. "And you are not to tell Naruto anything about this mission, as far as he knows you all have the day free."

"What is the mission?" Sasuke entered the conversation.

"Well . . ." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"WHAT?"

Two outraged cries rattled windows in Konoha.

Naruto looked up from his ramen with a smile, that'd show them for calling him a loser. "He old man, another bowl of Ramen over here . . . and I suppose my friend here could use one too."

"Thank you Naruto," Sarutobi said. "But the mission only required one bowl."

"I'm just paying for the next one in advance," Naruto explained. "Now eat up, ramen is no good if you let is sit too long."

"Right you are Naruto." 

IIIIIIIIII 

Meanwhile at the home for old incontinent and morbidly obese ninja, the nurse was getting ready to tell everyone the good news.

"Why'd you take me outta my room?" One of the senile old . . . that is to say patients demanded shrilly.

"I just wanted to get everyone together to tell you the good news," the nurse explained again. "A two person Gennin team is coming here today to give you all your sponge baths."

The old folks seemed to brighten up a bit at that thought.

"Also," she continued. "I've been told that they would like nothing better then to hear all your old stories. If this works out, our benefactor has promised that he'll hire the same team to come back here as many times as we like."

They all attempted to cheer but that caused their dentures to fall out. As she looked at the denture covered floor and the drool covered patients, the nurse silently thanked her savior for sparing her this fate if only for a day. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Part 2: Just some old stones fitted together with bits of new mortar.

While Sakura and her object of affection were exploring every nook and cranny of the senile old crones, Team Gai had gathered for their daily training and mission meeting. Gai looked pensive as he called for the meeting to begin.

Gai turned to his team. "Tell me, my youthful students, do I seem gay?"

"Hai, sensei! You are the gayest man I know. No matter what happens you are always upbeat and striving to do more. You are the picture of youthful passion!" Lee shouted, beaming.

Gai shook his head. "I mean in the manner of a male that seeks other males for close companionship rather then women."

Neji froze and did his best to fade into the background. It is not my fate to get involved in this discussion. Fate don't fail me now!'

Tenten shrugged. "I think the spandex and eyebrows are seen as a bit of a turnoff, plus we never see you flirting with women."

Gai scratched his chin thoughtfully. "The spandex and eyebrows are a turnoff. It's why I wear them. I'd never have the time to train if I couldn't repel women while at work. I've never found the need to flirt. I simply walk into a bar and say my pickup line if I desire female companionship."

"Really, Gai sensei? " Lee asked hopefully.

"What, you only have one pickup line?" Tenten stared incredulously.

"Of course. Why would I need more then one when the one always works?"

Neji stopped trying to become one with the background and leaned forward curiously.

"Gai sensei, I do not mean to sound unyouthful, but if I don't get the chance to spend some time with some females in a manner involving close contact other then fighting there is the definite possibility that I may shatter all my gates and impregnate half of the village. May I please know the line you use?" Lee asked intently.

"Of course, my youthful student. I'm sorry I didn't tell you it before, it was an unforgivable lapse on my part. Simply walk into the nearest bar and say, "I can do a hundred push ups with my tongue. Anyone wanna see? The girls will flock to you like Naruto to ramen."

"Hai, Gai-Sensi!" Lee radiated energy, seeming to vibrate in place. "I must go test this technique."

The flare of chakra gates opening blinded everyone and when they blinked their vision clear, Lee was gone.

Neji snorted. "And what will happen when they discover he can't do 100 push ups with his tongue?"

Gai shrugged. "After 20 push ups they usually shred whatever you are wearing and jump you, so it's really never come up. Lee is a hard worker, but he still can only do 95 before tiring. I have faith that he will manage to get 100 before the year is out, so a little fib really isn't that unyouthful."

Tenten stood there drool leaking from the corner of her mouth with a glazed look in her eyes. "N-Ninety f-f-five?"

Neji stared. "That is part of the youthful training regiment you two do after the team meetings?"

Gai nodded. "Of course. It is only fitting that as your Jonin I do my best to help you succeed in life and picking up women is one of the things all young males should know."

"I am blazing with the power of youth!" Neji shouted. "Time to train!"

"Neji, your blazing youthful energy has finally relieved." Gai shouted with tears flowing down his cheeks. "How I have waited for this day."

"N-Ninety f-f-five?" Tenten agreed with glazed eyes. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Hey, Kakashi! Can you teach me a cool jutsu?" Naruto called out to the jonin as he walked down the street, nose deep in his book, "Since we haven't got a mission today, and all?"

"No," Kakashi replied with a shake of his head, eyes never raising from his book. "Now run along."

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief as his former teacher walked off. It was so relaxing to finally get things out into the open, he mused. Besides, following him around under henge for a day as he'd asked other teachers for advice about his gay student had shown him where all sorts of jonin trained!

And who knows, maybe his former teammates would follow his example and find teachers of their own. Or wonder of wonders, maybe Kakashi would finally teach them something useful. It was all for the best, Naruto told himself. Better to get everything out into the open and to get a new start then to let things fester. With that in mind, he dropped in on his jonin of choice.

"Naruto," Konoha's green beast shouted. "What malady has sapped your youthful energy?"

"Hey Gai," Naruto said seriously. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"What is it my fine young friend," Gai asked as he struck a pose. "Do you have questions about the power of youth?"

"I've heard that you're Kakashi's rival," Naruto began. "Would you like to try something that he failed at?"

"Of course I would," Gai agreed. "Anything that Kakashi fails at I shall do and succeed . . . if I don't then I shall run around Konoha three hundred times with one leg tied behind my head . . . and if I shall fail at that then I shall walk on my hands for three weeks."

"Wow," Naruto gasped. "That sure is impressive."

"What is your task?"

"Kakashi failed as my teacher . . . would you teach me something?"

"What?" Gai turned serious. "Why do you say that Kakashi failed you?"

"He doesn't have any respect for me," Naruto replied quickly. "And he won't teach me anything . . . I don't think that I should keep a teacher that doesn't respect me and refuses to teach me."

"Oh . . . I see," Gai sighed. "I'm afraid that I can't be your full time teacher."

"Of course not," Naruto said quickly. "You've got your own team, I was just hoping that you could give me some training techniques that I could try on my own."

"I . . ." Gai looked down at Naruto's hopeful face. "Alright . . . but I think you should give Kakashi another chance."

"I gave him lots of chances," Naruto shook his head. "I even told him I was giving him a chance and he still ignored me. Why should I keep wasting time on Kakashi that I could spend training to be a better ninja?"

"We can talk about this later," Gai didn't like the way this conversation was headed. "Why don't I give you some exercises and we can get back to this later?"

"Ok," Naruto nodded. "What are you gonna teach me?" 

IIIIIIIIII 

Kakashi was a bit concerned when he started the team meeting. Sakura and Sasuke stared at him with flat dead eyes, eyes he'd last seen during the last ninja war, eyes that had seen too much.

"So . . . how did the mission go?"

"It's too soon," Sakura sobbed. "Don't make me remember that."

"Moving right along, it must have gone well because our client contracted the two of you to do it again today . . . isn't that nice?" 

IIIIIIIIII 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Anko looked up from her dango and giggled at the sound of someone screaming in unimaginable pain. After making a mental note to track down and compare notes with whoever was responsible, she turned back to her meal noting that food always tasted much better when accompanied by the sound of a spirit breaking.

She'd have to investigate later to see if her perfect student was involved. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Kakashi was surprised to find a note pinned to his door. "Hmmmm, 'if you're not on a mission with your other two students then you can train your third. If you can't train your third, then you can find out what happened to your first two.' That seems clear enough," he mused to himself. "Now, where would Naruto be at this time of day?"

It didn't take long for Kakashi to find his wayward student and the boy's reaction to learning that he was going to be trained shot a little spike of guilt into Kakashi's heart, he wasn't that bad . . . was he?

"You're really going to train me?" Naruto shouted stunned, but after a kai failed to break the illusion he began to think that maybe Kakashi actually was seriously going to train him, rather than just mention something in passing and vanish without telling him anything he needed to know.

"I really am," Kakashi agreed. He fingered the note in his pocket, no way was he going to find out what had broken the spirits of his other two students. "We'll start with Tree Climbing." He demonstrated, walking halfway up the trunk of a handy tree. "Now you do it."

The jonin disappeared in a swirl of leaves, reappearing on a street on the other side of town. Removing his orange covered book from his pocket he began to read, sighing, "Ah, a jonin's work is never done." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Five," Gai counted. "One more my youthful student."

"Mumph."

"Six . . . what was that?"

"I wanted to know how you dealt with the taste," Neji replied.

"Just close your eyes and think of something else," Gai advised. "Five minutes rest and we'll try it again."

"Wha . . ." Neji paused as he remembered what had happened before. "Yes, Gai sensei." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Hmm," Anko smiled as she watched the Uchiha wash his arms til they bled. "Interesting. First two times were physical techniques. Now we're on to mental trauma."

She wiped a faux tear from her eye. "They grow up so fast." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Naruto!" Sakura lunged for her teammate, only to misjudge the distance and fall slightly short and grab him around his waist and slid to the ground instead of getting a firm grasp around his chest like she'd hoped for. Paying no heed to the fact she'd just pulled down his pants, having seen such horror no minor thing like that could phase her anymore, the genin looked up at her salvation and pled, "You will do anything for me, right? Can I send you on a mission tomorrow in my place?"

Glancing up from Sakura's imploring look, Naruto saw Sasuke hanging around not far behind with a dead look and haunted eyes, staring slightly towards the ground . . . on a course that just happened to intersect with a certain pair of orange boxer shorts.

Back with Team 8, Kurenai noted with shock that Hinata had just splintered the training post she had been practicing strikes against.

Kiba's heightened sense of hearing caught the angry grumbling, "So, she wants an open relationship does she?" 

IIIIIIIIII 

Hiashi approached his oldest with a faint and unfamiliar sense of pride. "Hinata?"

"Yes father?" So busy was she plotting further revenge for the Uchiha's attempts to defile her Naruto-kun that the shy girl completely forgot to stutter.

In fact, her words came across as angry and hard.

To Hiashi this was as surprising as finding a pet geranium had eaten the cat.

"The Uchiha was admitted to the hospital again today. The medics there found themselves in the unusual position of having to invent a procedure to remove the still screaming head of his female genin teammate from his rectal cavity. They have been forced to call in the Yamanaka to reduce the mental trauma for both of them. Would you happen to know anything about this?"

Hiashi caught enough of his daughter's angry muttering about, "Using that stupid pink-haired bitch to act as his accomplice and restrain his target for him," to become quite upset.

The father walked away, shaking his head. He could not fault his daughter's methods. They were more than harsh enough to get the appropriate message across. That the poorly bred excuse for a clan heir did not heed them, but continued to press his unwanted attentions on his daughter now for the third time meant the issue was growing out of the realm of a private clan affair and into a public nuisance.

It was rapidly approaching time to speak to the Hokage about this. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Here there." Anko revealed herself, having lurked around the corner waiting for this particular girl to arrive. It had taken some asking around, but she'd finally identified the only girl who could have been the mysterious and incredibly sadistic assailant of the Uchiha.

She knew staking him out had been the right idea.

Hinata Eeeeeped!, dropping the hooked iron chains she'd been carrying. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Rorschach Pie  
Part 4 

IIIIIIIIII 

The Hyuuga were a clan prized for their ability to perceive things, not only the tactical situation around them during battle, but the emotions picked up by body language. And, as the Head of the Hyuuga clan, Hiashi felt it his responsibility and duty to be the most perceptive Hyuuga of them all.

Thus he was not a man who liked to have false data about a situation.

The Uchiha heir had been making several unwanted and insulting attempts on Hinata's virtue, and she had acquitted herself admirably against them. However, it had previously been his understanding that his eldest was too shy and weak to have done so. She was typically useless in sparring against her fellow clan members. Therefore, she could not have so readily defended herself against the Uchiha, who, while deplorable, had always been accounted one of Konoha's strongest ninja of his age.

Something did not add up, and before this mysterious fledgling pride he had could develop further for her, he would investigate to know more surely what to believe about his daughter, whether she had been hiding the full extent of her skills, or whether some tight-lipped member of the Branch House had been helping her, providing secret protection for her against the Uchiha.

The shortest route to the surest information seemed to put his daughter to the test where he could watch, so Hiashi arranged for an open spar at the stadium where chunin exams were held between Hinata and Neji, where anyone who wished could witness their battle.

Many of the Hyuga elders had whispered somewhat openly about applying the Caged Bird seal if she did not acquit herself adequately in this event. No one anticipated a victory for anyone but the Branch House prodigy, but Hinata's performance against her cousin must improve to convince anyone that she deserved the substantial credit for defending the honor of their House against the Uchiha. Nor would the clan care to be embarrassed by her in this performance, as a sizable crowd had gathered due to Neji's justly famous skill.

Naturally, the girl had frozen in terror on being told this at the last second. Team 8 had been told to go to the arena instead of picking up a mission, and hadn't been told why until they got there.

"Hinata . . . Hinata . . . HINATA." Kurenai desperately tried to break the shy girl out of her funk.

"Y . . . yes sensei?" Hinata asked timidly.

"Hinata, about your match."

"What is it, sensei?"

"If you win," the Genjutsu mistress licked her lips. "I'll set you up on a date with Naruto."

"R . . . really?" The shy girl asked hopefully. Dawn seemed to break on the horizon behind her.

"Really . . . and if you beat Neji badly enough, I'll set you up on more than one."

Her nervousness melted and Hinata was ready, nay eager to begin her match. No one paid much attention to the start of the fight, Neji gave a speech about fate and Hinata seemed to be lost in a day dream that involved a lot of blushing and giggling. People began taking notice when the shy little Hyuuga dodged her cousin's strikes, responded with several of her own, and threw him to the ground.

"What's my name?" Hinata screamed at the badly beaten Neji.

"What?"

"I said." Hinata punched the boy in the back of the head. "Say my name, bitch!"

"Hinata," Neji sobbed. "It's Hinata."

The whole crowd watched speechless as Hinata had thoroughly owned her cousin Neji with the use of several completely unknown techniques like Bitch-Slap-No-Jutsu and The-Nutcracker-Suite. The only voice that could be heard cheering for her was Naruto, who had shown a surprising appreciation for a violent Hinata, as he loved to see the underdog win and Neji was asking for a beat down in his opinion anyway.

Across the stadium, Hanabi glared at the Uzumaki. What was so special about him that captured her older sister's attention? "Byakugan . . ." Hanabi began to drool, his chakra was like some sort of visual chocolate. Soooo soothing and rich, she shivered as she contemplated spending hour upon hour just letting his presence wash over. No way was she going to let her sister hog all that to herself. After all, nanny had always said that good sisters shared everything and after watching Hinata insert a kunai into a place that caused every man in the audience to cringe . . . well, Hanabi was rethinking the whole antagonism thing. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Anko was smiling sadistically (what else) when Hinata left the arena, following leisurely after the stretcher carried by ashen-faced medics calling desperately for the best proctologist they could find and a long pair of tongs.

The Neji-pretzel on the stretcher could have groaned, but it was hard to hear with the boy's head shoved that far up his own rectal cavity. Although how it fit with the assortment of scrap iron also shoved up there was a mystery.

Anko had never seen a kunai used as a catheter before. It was an inspiration, that's what it was!

Anko tsked at her protege and soon-to-be apprentice. "You know kid, it baffles me that a kunoichi with your potential could be interested in the blond haired dead last. What do you see in a loser like him when you are capable of this?"

The Jonin waved her hand to indicate the shaking hands and trembling knees of the Hyuuga elders as they filed passed her out of the arena. One creepy old guy shuffled out sideways, facing Hinata at all times while keeping both hands protectively over his bottom.

"Naruto is not a loser," Hinata insisted stubbornly. "He can do the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

"So?" Anko sneered.

"Well." Hinata licked her lips as she leaned forward with a naughty grin. "Let me put it this way, Gang bang no Jutsu."

Anko froze in shock for a full minute, before licking her lips and admitting, "You make a good point kid . . . would you be willing to share?"

"He also has a lot of stamina," Hinata added with a blush. The girl turned red and began giggling and hugging herself. "Ohhh."

"About sharing," Anko tried to interject. "Well?"

"Hehehehehe."

"Come on, I'm dieing here. Do you know how hard it is to get a date when you're known as the Sadistic Snake Bitch?"

"Hmmm?" Hinata snapped out of her fantasies and gave the matter some thought. "Well . . . I suppose Naruto is too much for just one woman . . . ok."

"Thanks kid, you won't regret this." 

IIIIIIIIII 

The Hokage nodded to his secretary as he walked in that morning. "Clear my schedule and have my most sadistic ninja sent up immediately."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," the secretary agreed.

The leader of the village didn't have long to wait before Konoha's number one sadistic snake bitch burst through the window. "Here I am," she called out.

The Hokage smiled as Anko came in. "I've got a job for you."

"What is your task for me, Hokage-sa . . ." the unstable girl frowned at her boss.

"Well," the old man began. "It has come to my attention that Kakashi isn't training Naruto the way I expect a team leader to train their team. Not to mention the chronic lateness."

"I see." She had a neutral look on her face. "What do you expect me to do about this?"

"I'm going to call him in here to have a little discussion," the Hokage replied. "I want you to here to provide a bit of negative reinforcement."

"What kind of negative reinforcement?" Her hand twitched towards her kunai.

"I was going to have you kick him in the balls, but if you'd rather . . ."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Anko cheered. "Your will be done."

"Excellent." The Hokage rubbed his hands together.

"Hokage-sama?"

"Yes, Anko?"

"It may not be my place to say," the girl began. "But you usually hold your pipe in your left hand and you have a crescent shaped scar on your right index finger."

"Uh . . ." the Hokage raised his right index finger. "Like this one?"

"I must have missed seeing it earlier, Hokage-sama," Anko said politely.

"Don't worry about it," the Hokage said easily. "You know what, Kakashi is going to take forever to get here so why don't we order up some Ramen to eat while we wait?"

"May we also order some Dango, Hokage-sama?"

"Why not," the Hokage said indulgently. "Order as much as you like."

"You're the best Hokage ever, Hokage-sama," Anko cheered. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Sakura dropped her sponge and curled up in a ball on the floor, weeping. "No more... no more... please, no more..."

Tears slid unheeded down the Last Uchiha's face as well, as he dipped his sponge in the bucket for another scrub. It was the first time since his clan died that he'd cried, and he'd vowed to never cry again. But some things...

Seventy two hours watching his parents get killed over and over again was a breeze compared to the third straight day of this.

The Last Uchiha was rapidly contemplating asking Kakashi to help him learn suicide techniques, for just in case he ever got caught by foreign ninja, or something. Yes. That's the excuse he'd use. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Kakashi walked into a meeting with the Hokage, seeing Anko was there too, but not giving it much thought.

"You called, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked, not bothering to lift his eyes out of his book.

"I called two hours ago," the old man agreed, "Anko."

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Kick him in the balls," the old man ordered.

"I hear and I obey, Hokage-sama," Anko replied cheerfully.

"Wait," Kakashi said in shock, "what . . . oof." Tears streamed out of his good eye as he clutched his poor battered testicles.

"Now are you going to be late again?" the Hokage asked mildly.

"N . . . no," Kakashi choked.

"Good," the Hokage said with a happy grin, "now then. It's come to my attention that you haven't been giving much training to Naruto."

"My training concept is to . . ."

"Anko," the Hokage ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," the woman agreed. She sharply brought her foot up and into Kakashi's groin.

"Oh god," Kakashi gagged. He fell to the floor and curled up into the fetal position.

"Now then," the Hokage continued, "you were just telling me how you were planning to train Naruto." 

IIIIIIIIII 

When Lee showed up for training, for the first time in three days, he looked surprisingly mellow.

Tenten was laying in a bow-legged pile behind him, begging, "No more... please, no more..."

Gai smiled at his excellent student, giving him a thumbs-up. 

IIIIIIIIII 

Kakashi used an old trick to ignore the agony as he tried to address the Hokage's remarks.

"At this time, I don't believe it prudent to teach anything to a Gennin as irresponsible as Naruto, Hokage-sama," Kakashi wheezed. "And I don't believe . . ."

"Anko," the Hokage ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," she agreed as she brutally buried her foot in Kakshi's abused groin. The man's girlish shrieks were music to her ears.

"You've made your point as Naruto's instructor," the Hokage said calmly. "I trust I've made mine as your superior?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Kakashi gagged. "I'll train Naruto."

"Don't forget about his chronic lateness, Hokage-sama," Anko said helpfully.

"Thank you, Anko," the old man said kindly. "Would you mind telling Kakashi how I feel about instructors that don't show up on time?"

"It would be an honor, Hokage-sama," the woman said with a bow.

"Mommy," Kakashi squeaked as Anko preceded to show him her mastery of anatomy and non verbal communication.

"Now then," the Hokage said kindly. "I'm glad we had this little talk, Kakashi. I trust we won't need to have another?"

"No, Hokage-sama," the man agreed quickly.

"Very well. I'll expect Naruto to know more jutsu than the Uchiha in two weeks. Dismissed."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said formally. He then limped painfully out of the room.

"Thank you, Anko, that will be all."

"Are you sure that there aren't more people that have made Naruto's life more difficult then it needs to be, Hokage-sama?" Anko asked with puppy dog eyes. "More people that I can show the error of their ways?"

"Well . . ."

"Please." Anko ramped up the puppy dog eyes.

"I suppose," the Hokage agreed. 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Six hours of surgery." One medic-nin collapsed onto a convenient couch in the hospital.

Another exhausted medic watched as Neji was finally wheeled out of the operating room, shaking his head in awe. "And that was just to remove the smile from his face." 

IIIIIIIIII 

"Oh my god," Anko said in feigned shock. "Two Hokage-samas, but which one is real?"

"Drop the act, Anko," the new Hokage said flatly.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," she agreed, her expression downcast. 'Well,' she thought to herself. 'It was fun while it lasted.'

"And why don't you go back to your normal form, Naruto?" The Hokage suggested firmly.

"Do I hafta, old man?" The other Hokage asked.

"Only if you ever want to eat ramen again," the Hokage agreed.

Naruto returned to his original form in a puff of smoke.

"Now then," the Hokage began in a surprisingly calm voice. "Would either of you like to explain to me why the hospital was empty this morning and is full now?"

"Not especially, Hokage-sama," Anko said respectfully.

"I can explain," Naruto said quickly.

"I'm all ears," Sarutobi said flatly.

"Anko was helping me with my Henge," Naruto said quickly.

"It's all in the details," the unbalanced girl agreed.

"And how does this explain the full hospital?" The Hokage asked softly.

"Well, while we were practicing my Henge, we needed to get input from other people," Naruto said with a grin. "To make sure I wasn't making any mistakes."

"Go on," Sarutobi prompted.

"And I suspect that while we were up here practicing, uh . . . some people must have fallen down and hurt themselves," Naruto said nervously. "But we wouldn't know that because we were in the office the whole time."

"I see." Sarutobi smiled. "Care to try again?"

"It was my fault," Naruto sighed. "Anko had nothing to do with it."

"Is that true Anko?" Sarutobi asked.

"No, Hokage," she admitted. "Though I had hoped that I'd have plausible deniability since none of the idiots in the hospital noticed anything."

"I agree." The Hokage reclaimed his chair. "Dismissed."

"You're not gonna punish us?" Naruto said in confusion.

"They're ninja," Sarutobi said with a shrug. "If they couldn't tell me from an impostor, then they deserved whatever happened to them. Anko."

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"Remind me to reprimand everyone you two dealt with today," he ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"Does this mean we can do it again?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"It means that I'm willing to turn a blind eye until you get caught," the Hokage corrected.

"Can we bring Kurenai into this?" Anko asked hopefully. "No way we'll ever be able to fool someone with her skills."

"If you can convince her, then I have no objections." A smile formed on the Hokage's face as something occurred to him. He reached over and patted the hyperactive blond on the head. "And Naruto has a list of names in his pocket that you might find interesting."

"I do?" Naruto asked in confusion.

"You do," the Hokage agreed. "Anko isn't the only one that knows what plausible deniability is."

"And if we get caught?" The girl asked cautiously.

"I've got a mission request to send several ninja to guard the clam festival in beach country. Manage to avoid detection for two days and it's yours." The mission duration was two months and everything should be forgotten by the time they got back. "Understand?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Anko agreed eagerly. And this is why she loved her boss. "I hear and understand." 

AN: What happened was polychromeknight got the idea to rearrange scenes from several of my fics while adding a few of his own and this is the result.

Scenes and assembly by "polychromeknight" Scenes and Polish by dogbertcarroll


	16. Team Anko

Disclaimer: Not to be confused with 'Team Unko.'

AN: Part 02 of the 'Accidental Instructor,' What if chapter 13.

Team Anko

Anko beamed down at her new students as they began their first official team meeting.

"Morning, brats!" she yelled cheerfully. "I've got some good news for you."

"What is it, sensei?" Sakura asked.

"We don't have to do any of those idiotic D-rank missions, Hokage's trusting us with a B right off the bat. So we'll all be training hard for the next few weeks, alright?" Her grin widened at the happy looks on two thirds of her brats' faces. "Something wrong, Pinky?"

"Are you sure I'm ready for a B-rank, sensei?" Sakura asked nervously.

"Nah, none of you are ready. That's what the training is for and that's why you've got me along. Just do your best and try not to die, got it?"

"Got it, sensei," Sakura agreed.

"Good. Pinky, stretches. Broody, chakra control, Blondie . . ." Her train of thought was disrupted by the dozen or so shadow clones within arms reach. "Just how much chakra do you have?"

"I don't know, a lot?" Naruto rubbed the back of his head.

"I got something special for you," Anko cackled. "You've got so much chakra that it makes sense to teach you a couple of high powered techniques right off." She smiled down at Naruto who had his face happily pressed between her breasts. "That doesn't mean that we're not going to make sure you get the basics down, it just means that being able to spam fireballs that will melt through stone or blasts of wind that can cut mountains in half are good things to have on hand no matter what level you are."

"Yes, Anko sensei," Naruto agreed. "Honk, honk."

"Perverted little brat," Anko said as she tousled his hair. "Broody, what are you doing?"

"Chakra control exercises, sensei," Sasuke replied.

"Leaf spinning, what are you, five? Do something useful."

"Leaf spinning is what they taught us at the academy, sensei," Sakura spoke up.

"What kind of idiots . . ." Anko closed her eyes and counted to ten. "Gather round, children, and let Aunty Anko explain to you the basics of how to climb trees without using your hands."

IIIIIIIIII

Everyone held their breath as the Sparrow-masked ANBU walked into the bar and gave a slow nod.

"It's confirmed," Sparrow reported. "Hokage's assigned Mitarashi as the instructor of a new heavy combat/assassination team and sent Kakashi to the academy to set up a fast-track program."

Nervous glances were exchanged as each member of the Hokage's elite tried to ferret out a reason that would explain their boss's actions.

"Sure they're going to be a CnA team?" Cow asked.

"Horse made the mistake of insulting Anko where they could hear," Badger replied. "They didn't know he was kidding. He woke up in bed the next morning with a rope around his neck, the latest issue of Ichi Ichi Yaoi in his hand, and a medical report on the dangers of auto-erotic asphyxiation."

"They're good," Crow said. "Take out the target and smear his name at the same time."

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to step up my training," Ferret said after a few moments of thought. "Something big is coming, it's the only explanation that makes sense. No other reason to graduate such a large academy class."

"Little hard work never hurt anyone," Badger agreed loudly. "Better to sweat now than to bleed later."

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura was panting when she made it back down the tree.

"Good job, Pinky!" Anko cheered. "You get to learn the next trick." She glanced over at her other two students. "Broody, keep moving up and down the tree. Blondie, practice that jutsu I showed you till you start to feel tired, then join broody."

"Yes, sensei," they agreed.

"Now then, Pinky, has anyone ever taught you how to juggle?"

"No, sensei."

"It's not too difficult, we'll start you off with balls." Anko pulled a few kunai out and demonstrated the basic motions. "I want you to switch back and fourth between this and tree climbing, do 'em both at the same time after you master juggling."

"Okay, sensei. Um, where should I get the balls?"

"Knew I forgot something," Anko laughed. "Find a shop in town, run as much as you can. We wanna build up your stamina so we aren't going to be wasting any opportunities to do it."

"Right, be back in a bit, sensei," Sakura promised as she took off running.

IIIIIIIIII

At the Konoha Ninja Academy for Misguided Children, class 3-5 was a chaotic mass of pandemonium. The children were out of control and their supposed instructor was huddled under his desk weeping.

"What have I done to deserve this?" Kakashi moaned.

"Sit down and shut up!" the Chunin instructor screamed as she entered the class. She eyed the class for a few minutes. "What did Kakashi-sensei teach you today?"

"He taught us how to make fireballs shoot out of our mouths," one of the children replied. In return, they'd agreed not to come within two meters of him for the rest of the day.

"That was nice of him." The Chunin beamed down at her students, annoyed because now the other classes were sure to demand to learn the same jutsu. "Who wants to show me first? You can use the desk as a target."

"Why have the gods forsaken me?" Kakashi sobbed as his cover disintegrated under a sheet of flame.

IIIIIIIIII

A grin appeared on Anko's face as Naruto fell off the tree and hit the ground, it grew wider when the boy picked himself back up and ran back towards the tree. The old man had really gone all out when he picked her team, it was almost humbling to consider. A quick glance at the sun pegged the time.

"Gather round, brats!" she called out. "Play time's up for the day." She noted with pleasure the looks of disappointment on their faces. "We'll meet back here two hours after first light, questions?"

"No, Anko-sensei," her students chorused.

"Good, then I have one of my own. Anyone want to get food?"

"Ramen!" Naruto cheered.

"Gyudon," Anko countered, wanting to increase the amount of protein in their diets. "Unless you want to pay for everyone."

"Gyudon!" Naruto cheered.

"Follow me!" Anko yelled, taking to the rooftops. She noticed that her students weren't behind her a few seconds later and returned with a frown. "Another thing they didn't teach you at the academy?"

"Yes, Anko-sensei," the three chorused.

"What kind of idiots . . . okay, first thing you need to do is . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

As had been tradition since the founding of the village, the Jonin instructors gathered together in a bar at the end of the training day to discuss training methods, brag about the progress of their students, and drown their sorrows.

Anko was the last to arrive. "Who wants to go to the academy and lynch the teachers?" she bellowed as she burst through one of the windows.

"Why ever would we do something as un-youthful as that?" Gai shouted back.

"The old man gave me the cream of this year's crop and they barely know anything," Anko complained. "If it weren't for the fact that they had so much potential . . . damn it, I expected better from the academy."

"Fear not my youthful colleague," Gai said with a wide grin. "The Hokage has assigned my hip rival to teach at the academy and bring the standards up."

"Should have known he had it under control," Anko said in relief. "Just wish he'd taken care of it before my brats graduated."

"Blame the Kyubi," Asuma interjected. "The drop in numbers is what caused the drop in quality, ten years later and we're only just starting to recover our former strength."

"What do you expect, only graduating three or four teams a year," Kurenai snorted.

"So how are all your brats doing?" Anko asked. "Bet they aren't doing half as good as my three."

"Perhaps we should have a match to see if you can prove your claim?" Gai suggested with a gleam in his eye. "My three youthful students against yours."

"Got a mission coming up, we can do it after that," Anko agreed. "Anyone else want a piece? My brats verses yours."

"Why don't we save it for the Chunin exams?" Asuma suggested.

"Works for me," Anko agreed. "How bout you, eyebrows?"

"An excellent suggestion," Gai pronounced.

"How do you like being an instructor?" Kurenai asked her friend.

"It's the best," Anko replied with a happy grin. "The feeling you get when your brat's eyes light up when they understand the lesson is just . . . just great."

Kurenai nodded in understanding. "How's Naruto doing?"

"Got the hots for one of my brats, eh?" Anko laughed.

"One of my students does," she replied.

"Kid's got good taste then. Let me tell you what the perverted little brat did during the test I gave them," Anko bragged. "First he . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi sat on his bed, alone and unable to do more than stare into the darkness.

He'd never before understood why his father had chosen to take his own life, never before understood why anyone could take what he'd once thought of as the coward's way out.

Knowing that he had nothing to look forward to but another day with the demons at the academy had changed things and it was only the knowledge that there was an end in sight that granted him the strength to continue.

All he had to do was get the brats to Chunin, and then he'd be free... gloriously free!

IIIIIIIIII

Anko woke up early the next day with a smile on her face and rushed through her morning routine.

'Time to see how good the brats really are,' she thought to herself as she ran towards the meeting area.

"If I'm right about them they'll be . . ." She came over the last rooftop and her grin widened enough to split her face in two.

Her three students were each practicing the routines she'd taught them the day before. It was so nice to be right. A quick glance at the sun confirmed that the meeting wasn't set to begin for another two hours.

"Morning, Anko-sensei," Sasuke called out, his place at the top of a tree giving him a wider field of view than either of his teammates.

"Morning, brats," she called back. "Decided to get an early start today?"

"It's embarrassing that we're so far behind, Anko-sensei," Sakura explained with a blush. "We just wanted to make sure that we got to the level we should be real quick so you aren't wasting your time with us."

"Meh." Anko shrugged. "It's a teacher's job to teach, I'm your teacher. So long as you're learning, you're not wasting my time." She beamed down at the three genin. "That doesn't mean I want you to stop practicing in your off time."

"Of course not," Naruto agreed quickly, his teammates chiming in their agreement. 

"Good. Got a new trick for you brats today from a friend of mine as a reward for proving me right," Anko announced.

"Proving you right?" Sasuke asked.

"I figured you three would be practicing and I figured you'd come early, didn't figure you'd beat me here so I'm good for breakfast too." She tossed Sakura a scroll.

"What's this, Anko-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"What it is, is a chart of vulnerable spots on the human body. We're going to be learning how to strike them today; remember children, never fight fair. So who wants to be my first volunteer?" Anko's smile widened as her three brats each took a step back. "Sakura, why don't you be first."

"I think Naruto would rather be first," Sakura said quickly.

"Yes, Naruto's the best choice!" Sasuke agreed.

"But . . . damn you guys." Naruto's shoulders sagged. "What do I have to do?"

"Hold out your arm," Anko commanded. She reached out and seemed to slap him on the elbow.

"Arrg! What did you do to me, Anko-sensei?" Naruto was rubbing his arm furiously.

"Same thing I'm going to do to all of you," she replied cheerfully. The instructor turned over her hand to reveal a strange leather disc in her palm. "It's filled with lead, all you gotta do is hit one of the bones close to the surface. Not as good if you hit a muscle." She reached out and tapped Naruto on the other arm. "Right?"

"Still hurts but I can still use my arm," Naruto agreed.

"It's all about putting the right amount of force in the right place," Anko lectured. "I want you to remember four targets; eyes, throat, stomach, groin. That's where I want you to strike for now. Questions?"

"When do we get to play with finger saps, Sensei?" Sasuke asked.

"We'll move past the basics after you've mastered the basics. Anymore questions?"

IIIIIIIIII

Kurenai was mildly surprised to find Hinata waiting outside the door to her apartment when she stepped out that morning.

"Something wrong, Hinata?" she asked in concern.

"No, sensei," Hinata replied with a blush.

The jonin glanced at the sun to gauge the time. "We've got about two hours before we need to be at the team meeting. Would you like to come in and tell me why you were waiting for me?"

A deep blush coloring her cheeks, all Hinata could do was nod in agreement.

"Come on, then." Kurenai took the girl by the elbow and gently led her into the apartment. "Have a seat."

"Thank you, sensei."

"Now what's this about?"

"Could you . . . um . . ."

"Yes?" Kurenai prompted.

"That is, if it's not too much trouble . . . um." Hinata stared down at her hands. "Could you teach me how to use Genjutsu?"

"Of course," Kurenai agreed, a bit surprised by the sudden interest. "May I ask why?"

"I just want him to notice me," Hinata squeaked. Seeing the way he acted with his sensei had driven home just how easy it would be for someone else to come along and snap him up.

IIIIIIIIII

So pleased was she by their progress and enthusiasm, Anko completely lost track of time and ended up being a bit late for the scheduled progress meeting with the Hokage.

"Was there something you wanted, Anko?" Sarutobi asked. She'd slipped in while he was meeting with the Instructors and had waited patiently at the back of the room till he was done.

"Mind if I use some of Ibiki's prisoners for a bit of practice?" Anko asked hopefully. "Training team Anko on striking vital parts of the body and there's nothing like a live target."

"So long as Ibiki is willing to share," Sarutobi agreed. His eye twitched a bit when she referred to herself as 'team Anko'. Oh well, she seemed to be a lot more cheerful since she'd taken a dive off the deep end and it wasn't like she hadn't already been doing laps around the insanity pool anyway.

"He owes me a couple favors, so he should be," Anko chirped.

"Have fun," the Hokage said, making a mental note to have the hospital do a study on how sanity corresponded to power level among elite ninja.

"We will," Anko agreed. The old man was the greatest.

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura woke up early the next morning and was surprised to find a note from her instructor taped to her forehead.

_Sakura, _

_Team meeting in interrogation room 43, Torture and Interrogation department. _

_-Anko_

_P.S. Talk to Naruto about setting a few traps up around your room. Do the work yourself, get his help and advice. I'll rate how good it is the next time I break into your house. _

The letter ended with a doodle that Sakura presumed was meant to be a representation of her instructor's smiling face.

Sakura turned the note over and was happy to find a hand written map with directions on where she was to go. Pausing only long enough to grab breakfast to go, she rushed out of the house and to her team meeting.

The boys were already there when she arrived. "Naruto, Anko-sensei says I'm supposed to ask for your help with traps."

"Okay," Naruto agreed. "I'm also supposed to help Sasuke and make mine more lethal." She'd also added that he should keep them funny, because the only thing better than killing intruders was killing them in humiliating and hilarious ways.

"Thanks," Sakura said. "Do you know what Anko-sensei wants us to do?"

"Practicing the strikes she showed us yesterday on a volunteer," Sasuke replied. "Come on, I know the way."

They signed in at the front desk and were escorted to a dim windowless room which held a large man chained to a chair and wearing a jumpsuit very much like Naruto's.

"Kids?" The prisoner sneered. "You're going to try to intimidate me with them?" He laughed. "Bring it on." With a sneer, he told them exactly what he thought of them and their village.

The three genin filed the man's insults as they waited for their instructor to arrive.

"I'm first," Sakura growled after the man directed a rather vile insult her way. "Got it?"

"So long as Anko-sensei doesn't mind," Naruto agreed.

The prisoner's tirade ended instantly. "Did you say Anko, as in Konoha's number one sadistic snake bitch Anko?" He looked like he was about to wet himself. "As in Orochimaru's apprentice Anko?"

"As in their teacher Anko," she agreed as she walked into the room.

The man licked his lips. "I just wanted to say that I didn't mean any of those things I said about your students and that I'm very very sorry I said them. I'd also like to have a chance to spill all the information you lot wanted me to spill earlier."

"Maybe after they've had a chance to get their practice," Anko replied as she gagged the man. "Pinky, you wanted to go first?"

"Yes, Anko-sensei," Sakura agreed.

Anko reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of brass knuckles. "I don't like these much for missions, who can tell me why?"

"Because they don't let you do Jutsu when you're wearing them?" Sasuke asked.

"Makes it more difficult but yes, that's part of it," Anko agreed. "It's because they make it harder to do anything else with your hand and take a bit of time to put on and take off. Who can tell me why I've got them now?"

"Because we're in an interrogation room, not a fight," Sakura offered.

"Right," Anko agreed. "Watch closely, there's a bit of a trick to use these without hurting your hand." She proceeded to demonstrate on the man's floating ribs. "Got it?"

"I think so, Anko-sensei," Sakura agreed.

"Good." Anko slipped the knuckleduster off and handed it to Sakura. "Try to avoid breaking his jaw, we want him to be able to talk later."

"Yes, Anko-sensei."

"And be considerate enough to leave some for your teammates, Ibiki only let me have one prisoner today."

"I will, Anko-sensei," Sakura promised.

"Good girl, now go nuts."

"MMMMMMMPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH!" the prisoner screamed through his gag.

"I said go nuts, not go for the nuts . . . but good initiative," Anko complimented the girl.

"Thank you, Anko-sensei." Sakura stopped pummeling the man just long enough to shoot her teacher a bright smile.

AN: Anko is fun to write, that is all.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Typos by: polychromeknight, redbaron_94014, malksch


	17. The Ambiguously Gai Duo

Disclaimer: What's everybody looking at? Part 02 of What If 14

The Ambiguously Gai Duo

Ino's eyes were droopy and bloodshot when she stumbled down for breakfast. The things she'd learned had kept her awake all night. It was hell!

"Good morning, dear," her mother chirped. "Didn't get much sleep last night?"

"No," Ino mumbled, unable to look at the woman.

"That's too bad," she sympathized. "You know what always helps me sleep? Sex with my bro . . . your father."

"Oh," Ino said dully.

"And before you ask, I'm not offering to let you borrow him." She twisted the knife, "on the other hand, there's that boy in your class . . . the blond . . . what was his name?" 

"Naruto?" Ino clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Yes, that's the one," her mother agreed. "Such a handsome boy. You should really pay more attention to him."

"Why?"

"Because of that blond hair of his."

"What about it?" She had a sinking feeling.

"I'm not saying he's a relative, but you never know," her mother finished with a wide smile.

"I gotta get to my team meeting," Ino blurted. Having reached and then burst through her limit it was perhaps understandable that she neglected to open the door before she ran out of the house.

"First she doesn't clean up after herself and now she's damaging the house?" Ino's mother growled. "It seems someone needs a harsher lesson."

Say what you will about them, but if nothing else the Yamanaka family were masters of psychological torture and blessed by the fact that they lacked any morality that would prevent them from inflicting it on anyone unfortunate enough to annoy them.

IIIIIIIIII

Tenten knew that her day was going to suck more than it usually did when she saw her teammate, her instructor, and their new 'accessories'. She'd been Gai's student far too long to do something stupid like ask what was going on or to try to make sense of the situation. Repressing everything, that was the key, a year on the team and she was already repressing at a Chunin level.

"Today, I'm going to teach you the youthful skill of first aid!" Gai announced.

"Go, Gai-sensei, your flames of youth are an inspiration to us all!" Lee shouted. "Don't you agree, Neji, my most youthful rival?"

"Gai-sensei is certainly flaming," Neji agreed.

"Thank you my youthful students!" Gai wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "The first skill I am going to teach you is the Heimlich maneuver!"

"Allow me to assist you in your demonstration, Gai-sensei!" Lee begged.

"Of course!" Gai agreed. "Come over here, my most youthful student!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee bounded over to stand in front of his idol.

"You just wrap your arms around your partner's diaphragm and give a sharp thrust!" Gai instructed as he demonstrated.

"Just give him a sharp thrust!" Lee agreed.

Tenten and Neji stared in shock, their minds unable to process what they were seeing.

"What are you two looking at?" Gai demanded.

"Nothing!" Neji and Tenten chorused loudly.

IIIIIIIIII

Team 7 was escorting their client, the a fore mentioned drunken transient, back to the cockroach infested hellhole he called a home, when two missing nin jumped out of a stray puddle and killed their instructor. 

"Holy shit, it's the ass fuck twins!" Naruto screamed. "So called cause they like to get fucked in the ass." Naruto paused to consider the situation. "This looks like a job for you, Sasuke."

"Naruto!" Sakura screamed.

"And Sakura too, I guess," he agreed. "Didn't know you were into that sort of thing, Sakura-chan." Looked like he was going to have to rethink his habit of asking the girl out on a date, wouldn't do to have her say yes, not after finding out what her kinks were.

"I ain't lettin no girl come near me with no strap-on," one of the Demon Brothers offered.

"I pity the fool dat lets a girl work him over with a strap-on," the other agreed.

"I notice you didn't say anything about Sasuke," Naruto said triumphantly. "Well, since my lazy teammates aren't gonna be any help, it's time I finished you two off with my super awesome jutsu." His hands went through the now extremely familiar gestures. "Rectal prolapse no jutsu!"

Everyone watched as the colorful attack shot out of Naruto's hands and narrowly missed both attackers to hit Kakashi who'd been hiding in a tree he'd thought was a safe distance away.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kakashi screamed, propelled off his perch by the force of the liquid gushing out of his abused behind.

IIIIIIIIII

Meanwhile, back in Konoha . . .

Danzo was sitting in his secret underground lair (also known as his parent's basement) plotting his plots and dreaming of the day he would be Hokage. He allowed his eyes to sweep over his hidden army, each nin broken into the perfect tool that would carry out any order he gave them.

"Do you and your friends want some snacks?" his mother's voice called down the stairs.

"We're fine, mom," Danzo called back. Why wouldn't the senile old bat just give in and die already?

"Okay, don't make a mess," she called back.

"We won't," Danzo promised. Oh if only one of the many assassin teams he'd sent after his parents would succeed, then the basement . . . er secret underground lair would be his, all his!

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was waddling down the path, doing his best to ignore the prattling of their client.

"That was an amazing battle," the bridge builder enthused. "I've never seen anything like it."

"Please don't mention it again," Kakashi said with a wince. He hoped he'd brought enough hemorrhoid cream to last the mission.

"I thought the short one was a loudmouth idiot, but the way he masterfully distracted those two missing nin." Tazuna shook his head. "It was nothing short of amazing."

"Please, please don't mention it," Kakashi begged.

"And that fight." Tazuna shook his head. "If I hadn't known better, I'd have been sure he accidentally hit you with a jutsu. Did you see the look on those missing nin's faces when you gave your performance? I've never seen men turn that white."

"You're not going to stop talking, are you?" Kakashi sighed.

"God damn but that short one is the epitome of what it means to be a ninja, makes me glad I went to Konoha."

"You're not even listening to me," Kakashi realized.

"You think I should apologize for all the things I said to him? I didn't know he was just building a cover . . . course, I should have expected that a ninja of Konoha wouldn't be a loud mouthed brat."

Kakashi was saved from having to hear his client's response by a gigantic sword flashing past to bury itself in a tree.

"Score, free sword!" Naruto cheered. However the boy was forced to abandon the acquisition of his sharp new toy by the appearance of a missing nin with a prior claim.

"Time for Kakashi to shine." The lazy nin called out, "Leave my client and my two precious students alone, I'll be your opponent!"

"Two?" Sakura mumbled.

"Sucks to be you, Sasuke," Naruto agreed. "Pretty cold of him to say it in front of you though."

"It was obviously you he was talking about," Sakura shot back. "Sasuke and I are . . ."

"A bit pathetic compared to me," Naruto interrupted. "The awesome nin that's defeated Jonin, Chunin, Genin, and been personally tutored by Anbu."

"Uh . . ." Tazuna tried to interrupt the bickering genin.

"Just because you have that stupid jutsu," Sakura growled.

"One that's never been defeated," Naruto replied. "You want a personal demonstration of how effective it is?"

"Don't you think you should rescue your Sensei?" Tazuna asked loudly, breaking up the argument.

They turned to find that their instructor had lost his fight and been trapped in a large spherical watery prison.

"Don't worry, Sensei," Naruto called out. "I'll have you out of there in a jiff."

"Don't you dare try to rescue me, Naruto, just let me die!" Kakashi screamed. "No . . . no . . . don't use that attack . . . please . . . no . . . NO . . . NO . . . NOOOOOOO!"

"Rectal Prolapse no jutsu," Naruto called out his signature attack.

"OOOOOARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Kakashi squealed as his watery prison turned brown.

"Um . . . that will teach you to get caught," Naruto said quickly, trying to make it look like he'd been targeting his instructor and to cover up the fact that even after all the practice he'd had, his aim still wasn't the best. "And now for the other guy."

"Shit!" Zabuza gave a covert signal and two needles appeared in his neck, knocking the missing nin into a state of false death.

IIIIIIIIII

Meanwhile, back in Konoha . . .

Chouji and Kiba were listening to Shikamaru's description of his home life.

"You can't let your mom push you around like that," Chouji said loudly. "You need to learn to lay down the law."

"How am I supposed to do that, huh?" Shikamaru demanded.

"My mom tried something like that with me and I'd say; bitch, you get inna kitchen and make me some pie," Chouji replied. "She's your mom, you own her, you gotta learn to make her work for you. What do you think, Kiba?"

"Mumph, mou mphm," Kiba replied, his hood making him nearly incomprehensible. "Uh heh heh ha ha ha."

"That's sick," Shino commented.

"That's what poor people do," Chouji explained. "They have no money so they have a lot of kids."

"Fk u!" Kiba's scream was muffled by his hood.

"Your family is poor, Kiba," Chouji snickered.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was laying on his stomach, his much abused derriere high up in the air balancing a bag of ice.

"Sorry, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said, shame faced. "I guess my aim is still off a bit."

"What would it take to get you to stop using that jutsu on me?" Kakashi asked desperately, the doctors had warned that incontinence was right around the corner. "How bout I teach you a couple other cool jutsu . . . how would you like to learn how to do shadow clones? They're great, every memory the clone has is transferred back to you when its dispelled. Or . . . or how about I teach you a wind attack that makes a blade that will cut through anything?"

"Yay!" Naruto cheered. "New jutsu."

"But only if you promise to stop using THAT jutsu on me or when there's even the slightest possibility that it could get me," Kakashi said firmly. "Got it?"

IIIIIIIIII

Danzo locked eyes with his tools and slowly lifted his hand to roll the dice.

"Your dwarf fighter takes." He glanced down at the table. "Ten points of damage. One of the monks raises his hands and calls out that there is no need to resort to violence and that he's sure a peaceful solution can be found."

"I waste him with my crossbow," one of the other nin squealed.

"Are you sure?" Danzo asked. "He seems to be willing to talk things out."

"Dude, monks are worth tons of experience," one of the other tools stated, "talking isn't."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto was resting after a hard day of practicing his new jutsu when he sensed the approach of a herb gathering cross dresser.

"Are you a ninja?" the cross dresser asked.

"Only the most awesome ninja that ever nin'd," Naruto agreed.

"I'm Haku."

"Naruto."

"Do you have any precious people?" the cross dresser asked wistfully.

"A couple," Naruto agreed. "Why?"

"Because I think people are at their strongest if they're protecting their precious people," Haku explained, turning to leave.

"Bye," Naruto called after the creepy kid.

"By the way, I'm a boy," Haku said over his shoulder.

"Yeah, the Adam's Apple was a big clue," Naruto agreed.

"What?"

"That and the bulge," Naruto continued. "The too deep voice was my third clue."

"I see . . . farewell, Naruto, perhaps we'll meet again some time."

"Out of the whole forest, I had to pick the place that tranny hookers trolled for johns." Naruto sighed. It was like he'd never left his apartment. "Oh well, back to training!"

IIIIIIIIII

Chouji was sitting on his couch when the worst happened, he ran out of cheezy poofs.

"Maaaaaaam!" the big boned boy whined. "I need some more cheezy poofs."

"I'm busy doing your laundry, honeykins," the woman replied.

"Buuuut, maaaaaaaaam, I need my cheezy poofs nooooooow!" he squealed.

"I'll get them in just a moment, my big boned bundle of joy," she called back.

"Maaaaaam, I need my damned cheezy poofs now!" he squealed shrilly.

"Coming right up, Chouji," she agreed. "Do you want the original or the spicy cheese?"

"Bring them both," Chouji ordered. "And some soda."

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi grinned as the fog rolled over the bridge. This was it, his chance to shine, his chance to be in a fight where the worst that could happen was a messy death rather than a messy and humiliating mess thanks to the fact that they'd neglected to wake Naruto that morning.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto woke up to the sound of the front door breaking and his client's daughter screaming in fear. Sure enough, a couple thugs had arrived intent on causing trouble.

"As a ninja of justice, I can not allow you to harm her!" Naruto called out. "Release her or face my wrath."

"Yeah, lik . . ." the sudden appearance of a kunai in the man's left eye socket caused him to cut off abruptly. It seemed dozens of hours being tutored by Anbu had given the boy a tremendous skill boost.

Tsunami looked down at the corpses in shock. "You're amazing."

"I know," Naruto agreed. Shame he hadn't been able to use his signature technique, but the risk of hitting an innocent bystander was too great. "Now I'm off to the bridge to save the day there!"

"Good luck!" Tsunami called after the retreating hero.

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura didn't know what to do. Her sensei was engaged in a life or death battle with a missing nin and her crush was trapped in a dome of ice mirrors created by another missing nin.

"What'd I miss?" Naruto's inappropriately cheerful voice caused her to jump.

"Don't do that!" Sakura screamed. "Wait, Naruto, Sasuke is trapped in that dome of mirrors. You have to save him!"

"No problem," Naruto assured the girl. He cracked his knuckles in anticipation of unleashing his most devastating move. "Rectal prolapse no justu!" It flew from his fingers and into the dome, prompting a squeal of pain and another of disgust.

The mirrors disappeared to reveal a masked, shit covered missing nin and a sobbing Sasuke curled up in the fetal position.

"I'm gonna go wash off," the masked missing nin announced.

"And now for the other one!" Naruto shouted. Unleashing his attack for a second time into the fog.

"!" the familiar sound of their instructor screaming reached the three genin's ears.

"Oops, sorry, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto shouted. "I'll try to hit the other guy this time."

"You win!" the missing nin shouted as the fog disappeared. "I can't beat a ninja as awesome as you, so me and Haku are just going to leave in peace."

"I am pretty awesome, aren't I!" Naruto agreed loudly.

"You single handedly took down the two missing nin that took out the rest of your team," the large missing nin agreed, not daring to point out what had actually happened to the terrifying boy's teammates. "How could you not be awesome?" 

AN: Might have another part left of this in me, might not. Gong to be without or with very limited internet access for the next five or six months so don't expect many or possibly any updates.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Polish by Dogbertcarroll

Omake: The Shape of Things To Come?

"Then, we were attacked by Zabuza's tranny minion," Naruto reported.

"Naruto!" Sakura shrieked. "Don't use that word in front of the Hokage."

"What word, minion?" Naruto asked dumbly.

"Tranny," the girl mumbled. "How do you even know what it means?"

"They like to congregate on the street corner across from my apartment," Naruto replied. "How do you know what that word means?" He shot his 'female' teammate a suspicious look. "Something you want to come out of the closet about?"

"I am not a tranny!" Sakura growled.

"Good." Naruto gave a relieved sigh. "We'd never get any work done if you and Sasuke were . . ."

"Finish that sentence and die!"

IIIIIIIIII

Several years earlier . . .

"Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna go make my own ninja village," Orochimaru screamed. "With blackjack and . . . and hookers. You know what, forget the ninja village."

The Present again . . .

"I come to add the Uchiha bitch to my stable of ho's," Orochimaru explained with a leer.

"Didn't know you were into boys, sensei," Anko giggled.

"It's a boy?" Orochimaru asked in disbelief.

In response, Anko kicked the genin in the groin, causing him to double over.

"It's a boy," the missing nin sighed. "Come on, bitches, we be done heah."

IIIIIIIIII

"You holdin out on me?" Orochimaru demanded.

"Sorry, daddy, it hasn't been a good night."

"Is Orochimaru gonna have ta choke a bitch?" A look of annoyance appeared on the missing pimp-nin's face. "I think I'm gonna ha ta choke a bitch."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto was running down the street towards the spot he usually met his team when an older version of Ino snagged the back of his jacket and lifted him into the air.

"I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm redurk . . ." Naruto choked. He found himself staring into a pair of cold blue eyes. "Whatever I did, I'm very sorry."

"You didn't do anything, I need a favor from you," the woman replied. "I'm going to put you down, but if you try to escape, I'll chop off your legs. Sound fair?"

"More fair than chopping my legs off before I try to escape," Naruto agreed. "What kind of favor?"

"I just want you to agree to let me brainwash you a little bit," the woman replied. "I promise to put your brain back to normal and release you in a couple hours if you agree."

"Can't, gotta meet my team," Naruto said quickly.

"I've got this handy dandy d-rank mission scroll that'll take care of that issue," she replied, presenting him with the scroll.

"So what, why would anyone be stupid enough to let a perfect stranger brainwash them?" Naruto demanded.

"It's for a prank," the woman explained.

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" Naruto beamed at the woman. "Anything to help a fellow prankster."

"Thank you, Naruto." The woman beamed back. "Feel free to drop by the house any time after the mission is complete."

"Okay," Naruto chirped.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was only two hours late when he waddled to the meeting place that morning.

"Naruto's on a mission and I've got an appointment with my proctologist," the perpetually late nin announced. "No meeting today."

Sakura gave her remaining teammate a dazzling smile. "Sasuke, would you like to . . ."

"No," he grunted.

"I just wanted to ask you to . . ."

"No!" he barked.

"Fine," she huffed. She'd go to the lecture on how to hunt down and avenge yourself on absurdly powerful missing nin by herself.

IIIIIIIIII

"How's my favorite little sister?"

Ino stiffened when someone gave her a hug from behind and began nibbling on her earlobe. "Naruto?"

"Who else?" He chuckled. "Are you hiding another brother who was anonymously put up for adoption to hide the secret of how we strengthen our Kekkai Genkai each generation?"

IIIIIIIIII

"I just wanted to give you a bit of incentive to train more," her mother explained.

"Train more?" Ino growled. "Train more," she repeated thoughtfully. "I'm gonna go find daddy."

"Just remember that he's mine and I don't share," she called after her daughter and was rewarded with a shiver of disgust.

IIIIIIIIII

"How can you help, daddy?" Ino demanded.

"By teaching you how to repress memories," he laughed. "A bit of hard work and you won't remember a thing you don't want to." Such as changing diapers and everything after his little girl's first birthday and before her fourth.

"Really?" Ino latched onto the idea like a drowning man latches onto a lifeguard.

"Really," he agreed. "But only if you promise to clean up after yourself and to stop breaking things around the house."

"I promise!" Ino agreed quickly.

"Better keep it, I have ways of un-repressing memories," he promised ominously.

IIIIIIIIII

"I'm wearing a cup," Shikamaru said to the suddenly nervous Sasuke, "are you?" It only took five minutes of punching himself in the groin before the lazy nin had knocked out his opponent, forever ended Sasuke's dream of rebuilding his clan.

"Shikamaru," Ino screamed. "If you kill Sasuke, I'll never forgive you."

The lazy boy straightened up, did that mean she would never speak to him again? Time to force his victim to stab himself somewhere soft and fatal.

"Shikamaru!" Ino screamed. "If you kill Sasuke, I'll never forgive you!"

The lazy boy straightened up. Did that mean she would never speak to him again? Time to force his victim to stab himself somewhere soft and fatal.

"Shikamaru, if you kill Sasuke then . . . then . . . then I'll marry you!" Ino bellowed. "And I'll quit being an active Ninja so you'll have to spend all your off time with me!"

"I forfeit!" Shikamaru squealed in fear. "He wins, I lose!" 

"I don't know," the proctor said slowly. "That sounded like outside interference to me."

"It wasn't," Shikamaru assured the man. "I just . . . ran out of chakra or Sasuke scares me or something." 

"There's also the fact that you've already knocked him out," the proctor pointed out.

"He's not knocked out," Shikamaru said quickly. "He's . . . it's a ruse to get me to let up my guard. He wins, I lose."

"Weeeeeelllllll."

"Please," Shikamaru begged, tears streaming down his face. "Do you know how troublesome marrying her would be?"

"You could always say no."

"That would just make her get even more troublesome after she got her way." He still had nightmares about the times she'd forced him to play house, they haunted him.

Konoha's last Uchiha was unsurprised after being informed of his win in the hospital when he woke up two hours after the end of the match.

"Of course I won," Sasuke said in a voice several octaves higher than it had been at the start of the fight. "I am an Uchiha after all."

IIIIIIIIII

There was a loud tearing sound and the tattered remains of Hinata's shirt fell to the arena floor.

Neji couldn't tear his eyes away, jaw dropped at the small tattoo on her left breast that read 'Naruto and Hinata forever' that she'd somehow worked in a seal to prevent it from being spotted with the Byakugan.

"She's your cousin you sick bastard!" one of the audience members screamed.

"Go Hinata!" Naruto cheered.

Hinata blushed. Naruto was looking at her, Naruto could see everything, Naruto . . . thump! The girl's eyes rolled to the back of her head as she passed out.

IIIIIIIIII

"Desert tentacle rape!" Gara screamed out his newest attack. Needless to say, a substantial number of Sasuke's fangirls weren't happy with what happened next. More frightening, a vocal minority was.

Sakura glared daggers at Naruto. "This is all your fault!"

Naruto shrugged. "You're the one who demanded I come up with some way to insure Sasuke didn't get killed or crushed like Lee was. Don't yell at me because this was the best I could do in the week before the fight!"

IIIIIIIIII

"Sakura, if you ever ask Naruto to help me ever again, I'll kill you." Sasuke glared at his teammate.

"I understand," Sakura agreed. "Do you want me to get you some more of your 'special cream' from the hospital?"

Sasuke's glare deepened.

"Cause you know what your proctologist said," the girl reminded her teammate. It sure had been nice of Kakashi to recommend the man.

IIIIIIIIII

"PAIN," Hiashi activated the cursed seal.

"Oooohhhh," Neji groaned, "that's it." A look of bliss on his face. "Just a little more . . . almost there . . . almost there . . ."

"Er." Hiashi instantly deactivated the cursed seal.

"Why'd you stop?" Neji asked petulantly. "I was so close."

As a very disturbed Hiashi all but fled his nephew's presence, Naruto stepped out of the shadows. "And you claimed pranks were worthless."

Neji leaned against the wall taking a moment to recover from the seal. "I admit... I was incorrect. Do you think it could do anything about Gai and Lee wearing those... things?"

"Got an easier request, like taking out the Kazekage to avenge your dad or something?"

IIIIIIIIII

As Hiyashi lay on the ground, holding his poor abused testicles, he wondered how his eldest daughter was able to use the Jyukken with her feet.

"Uh . . ." The Healer looked again at Hiashi's bruised genitalia. "How did you do this?"

"Jyuken strike," Hiashi moaned.

"Well . . . whatever gets you off I guess. As a medic nin my confidentiality is assured of course."

"My daughter did this to me!" Hiashi screamed. "I'm not some sort of sick pervert."

"Of course not," the medic agreed, "though that is the sort of thing I have to notify the authorities of. If you'll just excuse me, there's a penalty for not reporting this sort of thing promptly."

"What about my groin?"

"They'll take care of that at the jail," he replied.

AN: Yes, I know it was the Raikage and not the Kazekage. I'm also sure I'll get several reviews correcting me despite this AN.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by Shinji

Kankuro: "Watch out, Gaara! He seems to keep trying to attack you from behind  
with that speed of his!"  
Gaara: *gains a frightened expression and uses suna shunshin to transport  
himself out of the arena so he can escape.*  
Lee: "But I didn't get to show my flames of youth!" *notices everyone staring at  
him* "What?"  
Everyone: "Nothing!"

Lee: "Osu! I've defeated Sasuke-kun!"  
Gai: "Well done my adorable student!"  
Lee: *Rushes to his teacher and hugs him* "Gai-Sensei!"  
Gai: *Hugs back* "Lee!"  
Lee: "Gai-Sensei!"  
Gai: "Lee!"  
Lee: "G..."  
Both: *Trail off as they notice mothers covering the eyes of their children, Men staring uncomfortably, and ninja trying not to look directly at them.* "What?"  
Stadium: "Nothing!"

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by Rinn

And, on a completely unrelated note, Inuzuka Kiba and I developed a new recipe for Dog food that Akamaru went wild over! He won't run out of Kibble for a while!"

"And, on a completely unrelated note, Yamanaka Ino needed help spreading a whole cartload of fertilizer over their flower fields yesterday... Paid me for a weeks worth of Ramen to use Kage Bunshin and help!"

"And, on a completely unrelated note, Hinata-chan is the best cook I've ever met! She made these little meat pies that were AWESOME! She'll make a good wife for some lucky guy one of these days, even if she is a little weird. Hey, I've still got a few pies; want one, sensei?"

"And, on a completely unrelated note, did you know that the Aburame clan is breeding a strain of flesh-eating Kikaichu? Shino was showing them to me just the other day. They stripped a whole deer to the bone in fifteen minutes! It was /soooo/ cool!"

Omake: Seduction Battle by me

"Ano . . . can I request for my match with Naruto be changed to a seduction battle?" Hinata asked hopefully.

"You can't possibly believe that this will . . ."

"No, this amuses me," Sarutobi intoned. "Let the girl have her wish."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto looked confused as they read off the rules to his battle with Hinata.

"And why isn't it in public again?" Naruto asked.

"Because of what happened the last time with Orochimaru and . . ." The man shuddered, hopefully in disgust. "I'm going to my happy place, I'm going to my happy place, I'm going to my happy place." 

"Just go in there with the girl," Anko ordered. "Last one able to stand, wins."

"Right," Naruto agreed, bounding into the room. Emerging five seconds later with a confused look on his face.

"What is it?" Anko growled.

"I said hello and she fainted," Naruto replied. "Does this mean I win?"

"No! One of you actually has to overwhelm the other with pleasure. Let me get you the guide," Anko said vanishing in a swirl of leaves only to reappear a couple of seconds later with a book entitled: Pimpin' Ain't Easy, or how to neutralize enemy kunoichi with your purple kodachi.

IIIIIIIIII

"Right," Naruto agreed, bounding into the room. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

"Best exam ever!" Hinata screamed happily.

AN: Don't believe I've seen this before, wouldn't be surprised if there was already a hundred fics with it.

Scenes and beta by dogbertcarroll


	18. The Escapologist

Disclaimer: Credit (Blame) for this fic goes to dogbertcarroll who thought up this concept a few years ago for his Harry Potter fic 'The Ultimate Escape Artist.'

The Escapologist

The Hokage looked up when the village's most entertaining and surprising orphan burst into his office. The boy wasn't that old, especially compared to the Hokage's collection of years, but his antics were already the stuff of village legend.

"Hey, old man!" Naruto yelled. "Let's go eat ramen!"

"I'm busy packing right now, Naruto," Sarutobi said kindly. "So I'm afraid that I don't have any time to eat ramen with you."

"What'cha packin for?" the boy asked, getting closer to get a better look.

"I'm going to be making a short trip to the capital to deal with something," the Hokage replied. "I'll be back in a few days. We can have Ramen then."

"Can I come?" Naruto begged. "I've never been out of the village before."

Sarutobi responded with a soft smile, "Are you sure, Naruto? This trip won't be very exciting."

"I don't care!" Naruto yelled. "I'll do anything that will help me become Hokage!"

"Well . . ." the old man broke under Naruto's hopeful expression. "I suppose." It was one of the worst mistakes he would ever make.

IIIIIIIIII

The trip was a revelation to the young pariah. Inside the village he was hated and shunned, outside he was treated just like everyone else. In short, Naruto had just discovered that the world outside the village was a place of wonder and opportunity, it really drove home just how much the village sucked.

Sarutobi sighed, it was obvious what would happen in hindsight. The two days of blissful normalcy Naruto experienced before he was discovered and dragged back by the Hokage's Anbu escort shattered forever Naruto's tenuous loyalty towards the village and spelled the beginning of the end of the boy's relationship with the Hokage. Sarutobi transformed from a kindly old man to a jailor, the man who  
was forcing him to stay in Konoha.

Well not quite a jailor...

"Seriously old man you should take it easy. You're not as young as you used to be and you're getting older by the second!"

Saturobi rolled his eyes. "Well, than you should start working on becoming Hokage so you can take over for me."

"Bag that! The freaks in the freak show got more respect than I get around here. I know you're sworn to protect these worthless rubes, but I'd rather clean up after elephants for the rest of my life than spend a single day looking after these yokels!" Hmmm, now there was a thought.

"There are some good and decent people in this village, Naruto," the Hokage tried to assure him.

Three days after his return, Naruto had made his first and most successful escape to date, as no one had expected a child to go to the lengths Naruto had, unless of course that child were a fully trained nin which he wasn't yet.

It took a bit of time, but after six months, Leaf's forces tracked the boy to a traveling circus and dragged him back. It was his first escape attempt, but it would not be his last.

"Do you have any idea why ninja just interrupted our performance to kidnap the knife thrower's assistant?" one of the clowns asked another one.

"Not a clue, probably a runaway noble, you know how the nobs are, one of them figured out how good we got it, but they won't let him loose. Poor princeling."

IIIIIIIIII

Lack of education, is what Naruto assigned the blame to for his lack of success. Shortly after darkness fell, Naruto slipped out of his apartment, past the dozing guard, and off to do a bit of research. Four more nights and he had the beginnings of a plan.

IIIIIIIIII

Sarutobi was woken early that morning by his security detail to meet with a very pale Anbu captain.

"What is it?" the old man demanded.

"The de . . . Naruto's apartment caught fire last night, Hokage-sama," the Anbu replied, training alone permitting him to work through his shock.

"Is Naruto alright?" Sarutobi asked intently.

"I'm afraid not, Hokage-sama." The Anbu swallowed. "He's dead."

"I want a full investigation," the old man snapped. "NOW!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama," the Anbu agreed quickly, leaving the old man alone with his grief.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto clapped so hard his hands hurt as the show climaxed and the curtain fell. Now that had been impressive, he reflected to himself. In a flash, the boy was out of his seat and past the stagehand guarding the dressing rooms.

"What do you want, kid?" the magician asked as she wiped off her stage makeup.

"Can anyone learn to escape from chains like that?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"Yep," she agreed. "All a matter of practice."

"Are you hiring?"

"I'm leaving this town in two days," she replied. "Sorry, kid."

"What if I went with you?"

"What would your parents say?" she countered.

"I'm an orphan, so they can't say a thing," Naruto said quickly. "Please?" He pasted on his most adorable look.

"Well . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

Sarutobi was still in a deep funk when Ibiki arrived to meet with him. It always hurt when one of his people died, the pain was almost unbearable when it was a child he'd had such a close personal relationship with.

"Figured you'd want to know the results of the investigation as soon as possible, Hokage-sama," Ibiki announced.

"You're finished already?" Sarutobi asked in astonishment. It had only been a couple hours.

"I've done enough to have a pretty good suspicion of what happened," Ibiki replied. "First is the medic report. The remains found were mostly porcine . . . pig bones and flesh."

"What?" A smile formed on the old man's face. "Naruto's alive?"

"All I can confirm is that the remains found are not his, Hokage-sama," Ibiki cautioned.

"Of course, go on," the old man prompted, feeling much better about things, as Naruto's dietary habits had suddenly changed last week to include a large amount of pork, apparently just for this reason.

"The fire was deliberate and it appears that someone weakened the structural support over the bed. The responding Anbu found a burned out apartment and the shattered body of something burned beyond recognition."

"Not bad for a boy his age," Sarutobi commented. "Shame we can't find a more productive way for him to focus his energy."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," Ibiki agreed. "I've taken the liberty of dispatching an Anbu team to find and retrieve him."

"Under whom?"

"Kakashi, Hokage-sama," Ibiki said. "He had the right combination of tracking ability and . . ."

"And he was safe to leave alone with Naruto, unlike a few other nin that can't look past what he has inside him," Sarutobi sighed.

"As you say, Hokage-sama," Ibiki agreed.

It took three months for Kakashi and his team to track down the missing boy, three months of bliss for Naruto and three months away from what they thought were more important missions for the Anbu. Still, it was nice to have a bit of down time.

Naruto was less than pleased when the Anbu burst into his onstage debut to drag him out of the theater and back to the village he'd grown to despise more than anything else in the world. Though, on the plus side, his time studying escape artistry had meant that they'd had to put him on twenty four hour guard to keep him from slipping away again.

'Have to figure out a way to deal with those meddling dogs and their damned noses,' Naruto thought to himself as the Anbu carried him back into the village and delivered him to the Hokage's office.

"Welcome home, Naruto," Sarutobi said.

"Feh," Naruto snorted. The ropes fell off him as he undid the last knot. "This place?"

"Surely the village isn't that bad," Sarutobi replied. His mind worked to find something good to use as an example.

"Not that bad?" Naruto asked incredulously. "I'm telling ya, Old Man, this village sucks," Naruto grumbled. "Tell you what, why don't you spend a bit of time with me on the run and see how you like the idea of coming back?"

One of the Anbu's eyes widened in alarm, they'd never get the Hokage back if the old man went along and it'd take months to find another sucke . . . ah, powerful and respected ninja to take his place. "I think it would be better if you tried the path of a ninja yourself, Naruto," he said, sweating bullets. 'Please let this distract them! Please let this distract them! Please let this distract them!' the Anbu prayed to every god that would listen.

"I agree," one of the other Anbu said quickly, having come to the same conclusion as his colleague.

"How bout it, Naruto?" the Hokage asked with a grandfatherly smile.

"Meh, who wants to be a ninja when I could be something fun?" Naruto demanded.

"Only a ninja would be able to escape a ninja village, Naruto," the Hokage pointed out.

"I've managed pretty well up till now," Naruto pointed out.

"So how much better would you be with a bit of training?" the Hokage countered.

The boy seemed to be considering the matter.

"Shall I sign you up for the academy?" the old man asked, hoping that the academy would give the boy a chance to make friends and strengthen his ties to the village.

"I guess," Naruto agreed slowly.

"Wonderful," Sarutobi said with a grin.

"Why don't you allow us to deal with it for you, Hokage-sama," one of the Anbu suggested.

"While you two go out for ramen," another suggested. Hoping that the whole silly business about the Hokage running away had been forgotten.

As luck would have it, Naruto's time at the academy only strengthened his determination to leave the village and the bastards in it. Though the Hokage had been correct about one thing, the chance to learn how Ninja worked was an immense help to his escape plans.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Yamada," the gate guard said. "Off on another exciting mission?"

"I am," Naruto agreed, happy the henge seemed to be working. Looked like all those hours of practicing had paid off. "As always . . ."

"I don't mark anything down in the log and I never saw you, good luck."

It took them two days to figure out that Naruto was missing and another two weeks to track him down and remove him from the merchant caravan he'd attached himself to.

Naruto hadn't been too disappointed at being caught so soon, it had only been a practice run after all, he was confident that he'd get much further once he'd had a chance to do a bit of planning.

IIIIIIIIII

In the next several years, Naruto did his best to spend at least as much time away from the village as in it. Taking various odd jobs to finance his wanderings, at various times, he'd been: an extra in a movie, every role in a circus, a ride operator in a traveling carnival, a magician's apprentice, a trainee samurai, and many many more. It wasn't the usual sort of upbringing for a young boy, but people are adaptable, children especially. Naruto adapted to his life on the run and the village adapted to their resident escape artist to the point that the boy's behavior became just another aspect of village life.

IIIIIIIIII

Sarutobi was in his office contemplating the ever growing pile of paperwork when a squirrel masked Anbu burst in through one of the windows, causing shards of broken glass to pepper the room. 

"Hokage-sama!" she screamed. "Naruto's apartment blew up again!"

"What was it this time?" he groaned.

"Gas leak, no signs of foul play and we found traces of human remains!" She was bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Wait, does that mean . . ." He didn't dare allow himself to hope.

"We won the pool," the Anbu agreed. "I won the day and time, you won the method, and we get ten percent bonus for both of us guessing he'd use human remains."

"What was it up to?" the Hokage asked eagerly.

"A-rank mission level for both of us!" she cheered.

"That is good news, thank you, Anko," he agreed. "Have you found Naruto yet?"

"Two hours ago he left through the west gate with different color hair and papers identifying him as Kisama Unko," another Anbu appeared to report. "Trackers are optimistic that they can catch up and return him within the next two days."

"I'll take five hundred on at least thirty day days minimum," Anko said passing her cash to the Anbu in charge of keeping the books.

"He's getting better, but so have my hunter nin," Sarutobi chuckled. "Five hundred on at least ten but no more than twenty."

"Side bet that he lasts at least a month," Anko challenged.

"You're on," Sarutobi agreed. Confident in his, now, very experienced hunter nin and the fact that Naruto had much less of a lead than he normally did.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto did his best to covertly check his disguise in a shop window when he saw a large cow masked Anbu with Konoha markings approach.

"Have you seen this boy?" the burly Anbu demanded, showing a crude drawing of Naruto.

"Have you got any money?" Naruto countered, figuring it was best to brazen his way through the situation and trust that his disguise was good enough.

The Anbu handed over a handful of coins. "Well?"

"There's a village three miles south of here, he was there two days ago," Naruto replied, savoring the fact that he was misdirecting by telling the truth.

"Thank you, Mister?"

"Chin Nome," Naruto gave his current alias.

"Mr. Nome, you have done a great service to the village of the Leaf."

"Always happy to help people that pay me," Naruto replied cheerfully. "You'd better get going to that other village before the trail gets too cold."

It took another month before they managed to finally drag the boy back to the village, to everyone's surprise, there was someone besides the third Hokage waiting when they got arrived at the village gates.

Anko shoved two of the Anbu out of the way and wrapped Naruto in a rib crushing hug.

"You just made me a very happy girl, Naruto," Anko cooed, giving the boy a kiss on the forehead. "Made me enough money to eat nothing but dango and drink nothing but high grade sake for a month." She gave him another kiss. "How about I buy you a bowl of ramen to celebrate?"

"Ymph R'mmph!" Naruto cheered, voice muffled due to the fact that his face was pressed between the unbalanced girl's breasts.

After his celebratory Ramen, a few errands, and a good night's sleep, Naruto was off to the Hokage's tower to have an important meeting with the village leader.

"Hey, Old Man," Naruto shouted as he burst into the Hokage's office. "I'm here for my money!"

"I gave you your stipend yest . . ." Naruto pulled a baggy full of dried green plant material out of his pocket and handed it to the leader of the village. The Hokage smiled. "Ah, yes, I must have forgotten to give it to you. Sorry about that, Naruto."

"No problem, old man." Naruto smirked, gardening was such a useful hobby, if you grew the right things, as his friends in the bigtop had shown him.

"Uh . . . I'm a bit short of cash today," the Hokage admitted. "Would you be willing to lower the price if I taught you a jutsu?"

"What sort of jutsu?" Naruto demanded.

"You're having problem making illusory clones, aren't you?"

"Yeah?"

"How would you like to know a solid clone technique?" The old man rummaged around in his desk for a few moments before emerging with a scroll. "Shadow clones, solid and anything they learn is transferred to you after they dispel."

"How would you like to give me that and let me have a dozen ramens on your tab?" Naruto countered.

"Deal," Sarutobi agreed, confident that the boy would take a while to learn the A-rank technique. "Pleasure doing business with you, Naruto."

"The pleasure was all mine, old man," Naruto replied.

Thanks to the timely delivery of his 'special relaxation' herbs, Sarutobi didn't get much done in what remained of that day. Unless of course you count eating three bags of chips getting something done. The old man retired early and awoke late, ready for another exciting day as the leader of a group of trained killers.

He walked into his outer office and immediately noticed the strained look on his secretary's face.

"What happened?"

"Naruto attempted to escape again last night, Hokage-sama," the woman said with a nervous smile.

"So?"

"So they locked him up in your office to wait for you before I came in." She licked her lips. "You remember what happened the last time he was locked up in your office alone?"

And he did, the place had been so bad that he'd had no choice but to have Anbu remove all the ruined paperwork and burn it. With any luck, something similar would happen again.

The Hokage was not disappointed when he walked through the door to find his office a mess and Naruto squatting on his desk with his pants around his ankles.

"What are you doing, Naruto?" the old man asked calmly.

"I'm doing to your desk what this village has done to me!" the boy shouted.

"I see." The two of them stared at each other for a few moments. "Would you like some privacy?"

"I can't do it with someone watching me," Naruto confessed.

"Shall I come back in say . . . five minutes?" the old man asked. He had the perfect nin in mind to clean up this mess.

"Ten would be better," Naruto replied.

"Alright, be sure to wipe. That big stack of paperwork on your right should be perfect," Sarutobi suggested as he walked out of the room.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi grinned, as punishments went, being ordered to clean the Hokage's office wasn't so bad. Looked like the old man wasn't as annoyed about the chronic tardiness and flunking that last batch of genin as he thought after all.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto whistled a jaunty tune as he walked out of his latest failed genin exam, having no intention of ever passing to serve the village he despised.

He'd nearly left school grounds when one of his teachers approached to give him a talk. It was a load of bull about a secret way of passing the exam, it also had potential.

It was a relatively simple matter to sneak into the Tower, hide the object he'd been told to steal, and create a near perfect forgery. That action was followed by sending a clone to deliver it and another clone to sound the alarm.

"Mizuki has stolen the forbidden scroll!" the clone disguised to look like some random jonin screamed. With any luck, Anbu would be too busy capturing and torturing the man to bother with little old him.

Luck was not with him and he was easily caught due to heightened security and the fact that the traitor had literally run into him on the way out of the village. That wouldn't have been a problem if not for the dozen Anbu the man had on his heels.

"This is all your fault," Naruto growled. The boy was chained to the wall of his private cell. "I even stayed away from your best escape route and what did you do? You went west, amateur, it's like you weren't even trying."

The boy sneered. He'd just learned an important lesson, a lesson many people did not have a chance to; Always work with professionals, amateurs are too unpredictable to factor into your plans.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi lingered a bit after the meeting to have a word with his superior.

"What is is, Kakashi?" the Hokage asked.

"You've assigned Naruto to my team. I heard, he'd failed the genin exam."

"It was pointed out that any academy student who could evade our best hunter-nin for months at at time and infiltrate the tower was more than ready to be promoted to genin," the Hokage explained. It was hoped that the boy would get close enough to his team to tie him to the village.

"So he agreed to become a ninja of the leaf?" Kakashi asked hopefully. It had killed him that his teacher's only child showed such disdain for the village his parents had given their lives to protect.

"He's agreed that being assigned to an active team will make it easier to escape the village," Sarutobi replied. The boy had also insisted on having two zeros added to the end of his stipend in addition to the one added to the end of his pay. "He still refuses to join the active rolls or wear leaf's symbol."

"So I have two genin and an academy student?"

"Two genin and an independent contractor," the Hokage corrected.

"I understand, Hokage-sama."

Kakashi left the Hokage's office and immediately went to the nearest bar to have a nice drink to help him think of the correct way to approach his new team. Not wanting to look like an alcoholic, he ordered lunch to go with his drink. Two hours later, he had the beginnings of a plan.

The newly minted jonin instructor arrived in the classroom frowned when an eraser fell off the door to land on his head.

"My first impression of you three is . . . where's number three?" Kakashi asked. The little brat had a dozen Anbu watching him to make sure he didn't get out of the village before getting onto his team. It shouldn't have been possible for him to duck out under such heavy guard.

"But . . . you took him out of here an hour ago, sensei?" Sakura mumbled.

"Damn it!" Kakashi groaned.

It was another week before they could have their first proper team meeting, this  
time with two dozen Anbu around to prevent another delay.

"My name is Naruto," the boy introduced himself. "My likes are Ramen and travel guides. My dislikes include this village and everyone in it. My dream is to see Konoha burn, to see its citizens screaming in despair as everything they ever cared about is destroyed while they stew in the fact that the only thing they have to hope for is their own inevitable deaths." An unholy fire lit in the boy's eyes. "Their bodies dumped into a mass grave to the chorus of everyone they ever knew and loved suffering an agonizing death. But-" The fire disappeared. "I'd settle for leaving and never coming back. That'd be a good second place to the village becoming a hell where the living envy the dead."

"O . . . kay." Kakashi's eye was fixed on the crazed boy in an unblinking stare. "Who wants to go next?"

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto was doing his best to ditch the idiotic test his so called instructor was giving when he came across something that caused his plans to drastically change.

He looked down at his fallen teammate. "Oh this has possibilities." He took a quick look around before dragging Sasuke into the bushes, he needed privacy to carryout his plans.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi watched as his teacher's son rose to his feet with a chicken leg clutched in one of his little hands. He'd known they'd pass if he just gave them another chance. The boy approached his bound teammate, and forcefully shoved the piece of fried poultry into the other boy's mouth.

'They are boys,' Kakashi reasoned to himself. The man tore himself from his musing and looked back just in time to see the blond unbutton his pants and . . .

"What in the hell are you doing!" Kakashi bellowed.

"MMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH!" the now wet and extremely angry Sasuke agreed.

"This was a second test to show we could have teamwork, right?" Naruto asked. "I piss on your notion of teamwork and I fart in the general direction of your village!"

Watching it all was the third potential genin, jaw dropped in shock, her mind unable to process what she'd just seen.

"NARUTO!" Sakura screeched, punching the boy with all her might only to have him disappear in a puff of smoke. "Wha?" The girl stared at her fist in stupefied shock, unsure of whether she'd just developed a bloodline or something strange had happened.

"Meeting here tomorrow at noon to go over your test results," Kakashi announced before he too disappeared.

"Sakura, get me loose," Sasuke growled.

"I'll have you out in a bit, Sasuke," Sakura agreed, her fingers already twitching as she thought about all the 'accidental' groping they were going to do.

IIIIIIIIII

Thanks to Kakashi's timely notification, the Anbu were placed on full alert and managed to drag their struggling captive to the Hokage's office in record time.

"Caught him sneaking out the west gate, Hokage-sama," Anbu reported.

"Did anyone think to check if he was a clone?" Sarutobi snickered, noticing the smug look adorning the boy's face and recalling how it was only through convincing the boy that he'd have to be a ninja to escape the city that he'd convinced him to join the academy.

IIIIIIIIII

'Sasuke' glared at the pink haired annoyance. It had taken far too long to undo the ropes and her hands had touched far too many things for him to be happy, unless she'd paid first of course. He quickly shook that thought from his head and remembered the plan.

"Sasuke." The girl blushed. "Do you want to . . ."

"No," he interrupted. "I want to go take a shower." The boy spun on his heel and marched away from her, hiding his grin.

"I understand," Sakura called after the retreating boy, too happy with the fun she'd had 'freeing him' to wonder why he was heading away from his home.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke awoke with a headache and a bad mood. It was dark and he appeared to be wearing the idiot's eye searing orange outfit. Whomever was responsible for this outrage against his person would pay and pay dearly!

His night only got worse when he was stopped by an Anbu patrol on the edge of the training grounds.

"Going somewhere?" the owl masked Anbu demanded.

"My home," Sasuke growled.

"I don't think so, Naruto, the Hokage wants a word with you," the pig masked Anbu laughed. 

"I'm not that idiot, I am Sasuke Uchiha," the boy replied.

"And you just happen to be wearing Naruto's clothes for some reason?" the cow masked Anbu asked sarcastically. "I don't think so, Naruto."

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me eleven or more times, shame on me," the mouse masked Anbu recited. "That trick isn't going to work again, Naruto."

"I thought it was twenty eight?" the possum masked Anbu newbie said.

"No that was the last Anbu to wear the mouse mask," she corrected.

"Sorry, I thought they retired the mask when the wearer died."

"He's not dead, just in the nut hatch."

"Check to see if he's a clone," the possum masked Anbu suggested.

"Right," Mouse agreed. She reached forward and slapped the boy on the back of the head. "Not a clone."

"Ouch!" Sasuke yelped, rubbing the back of his head. "Fine, take me to the Hokage." Maybe the village's leader would show more sense than his underlings.

"At this time of night?" Pig laughed. "You must be joking."

"We'll take you to see the Hokage tomorrow," Cow agreed. "We've got a nice cell for you tonight."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto made a bed for himself among the bails of cotton the river barge was transporting downstream. Thanks to the distraction Sasuke had 'volunteered' to provide, it hadn't been hard to sneak out of the village. With a smile, Naruto closed his eyes and let the current rock him to sleep.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke was in a rather foul mood the next morning when Anbu finally pulled him out of the cell for his meeting with the Hokage. Thanks to the fact that the mattress was paper thin, he'd gotten almost no sleep and the less said about the food, the better.

Sarutobi gave the Anbu a disappointed look when he got a good look at the boy they dragged into his office. Sometimes he wondered if it wouldn't just be easier to fake his own death and run off with Naruto.

"You checked to see if he was a clone?" the Hokage asked.

"We did, Hokage-sama," the Anbu agreed.

"Mmmph!" the gagged boy screamed.

"Did you check to see if it really was Naruto?" the old man persisted.

The Anbu looked at each other before turning their blank looks to their leader.

"Kai." The old man sighed when the captive didn't change, why couldn't he have competent minions? "Send out the search parties again."

"What should we do with this one, Hokage-sama?" one of the Anbu asked, holding up a squirming and very annoyed Sasuke.

"Take him to his team leader," Sarutobi ordered.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke was still wearing his prison issue orange jumpsuit, something that bore a striking resemblance to Naruto's normal outfit, when the Anbu delivered him to Kakashi.

"So . . . uh, now that you're both here . . . uh . . . you all passed thanks to Naruto, congratulations, I guess," Kakashi said, not looking up from his book.

"How did that idiot help us pass?!" Sakura screeched.

"I was looking for teamwork, he showed an impressive amount of it even if it was involuntary on your parts. We'll operate as a team of three until the Anbu manage to track down and capture Naruto so he can rejoin us. Any questions?"

"It was Naruto's fault I spent a night in jail?" Sasuke demanded.

"Him and the fact that the Anbu that took you there are incompetent," Kakashi agreed. "Some of the first, more of the second. I'd focus on the second if I were you, Naruto has been known to hold a grudge and he has an odd sense of humor."

"Hn," Sasuke grunted thoughtfully. Weighing the relative merits of getting into a feud with someone that regularly ran rings round Konoha's finest.

IIIIIIIIII

Several miles away, Naruto was sweating bullets as he looked down at the shipping magnate and his guards who he'd accidentally crushed with the tree he'd jumped on, not noticing that someone had been cutting through it earlier to take down and make into planks for boat repairs, and then around at the gathered people.

"When you tell Naruto Uzamaki you'll have his shit delivered by Friday, it gets delivered by Friday," he said loudly, trying to bluff his way out, by acting like the strongman did when someone tried to skimp out on paying for something. "Let that be a lesson to all of you!"

His eyes darted around, best to make his exit before they had a chance to turn into an angry mob. A mighty leap took him to the next tree and several more took him out of the clearing and lowered his chances of getting lynched.

"He just killed Gato," one of the dead man's mercenaries mumbled in shock.

"And you'd better let me go if you don't want to join him," their captive growled, incredibly relieved by the fact that it looked like he had a chance at not being executed after all.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto's teammates spent another two weeks before they were again graced with the boy's presence.

"Now that Naruto's back, I think . . ." Kakashi sighed in annoyance when his pink haired student proved that Naruto had managed to replace himself with another shadow clone. "Never mind."

Sakura examined her fist again and wondered where exactly she was sending Naruto when she poofed him away with her new bloodline.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto grinned happily as the guard examined his paperwork, doing his best not to fidget under the man's suspicious squint. Why oh why did he have to choose the gate with someone competent?

"Unusual name you've got here," the nin said calmly.

"I had unusual parents," Naruto shot back.

"I'll bet," the man agreed. "Mind if I ask how you pronounce it?"

"Unko Tabero," the boy said. "Ooo, like oo la la, nnn, ko like Coco. Ta like taco, be like bay, ro like row your boat."

"Wow, when I read it, it looks like it should be pronounced 'Oshiko Nomitai' odd that," he replied dryly.

"A common mistake," Naruto said as confidently as he could even as his plan collapsed.

"Next time, don't forget which set of false papers you're trying to get out with, Naruto," the guard advised as two of his fellows appeared with a heavy chain.

"I usually like to take a bit more time to prepare," Naruto explained, "this was a rush job."

"No excuse not to do things right," the guard admonished.

"Would have been good enough for most of you," Naruto shot back.

"Can't always count on incompetence. Take him away, boys."

"Is cell number nine available?" Naruto sighed. It had the thickest mattress and it also had a window that wasn't perfectly placed to catch the rising sun, unlike cell eight where he could never seem to get a good night's sleep. Shame they were renovating his personal cell at the moment, but he wasn't willing to forgo attempting to escape till after they'd finished.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi eyed the large iron ball chained to his third student's leg and wondered if it were that or the three dozen hidden Anbu that had ensured that the boy finally attended a team meeting in person.

"Today we're going to learn how to shoot fireballs out of our noses," Kakashi announced grandly. The flaming snot jutsu had saved his life on more than one occasion by the time he'd gotten to be their age, shame they'd stopped teaching it at the academy but the custodial staff had insisted. "Any questions before we begin?"

"Instead of all these useless flashy jutsu, couldn't you teach us something more useful?" Naruto demanded.

"Useful like what?" Kakashi asked.

"Useful like how to evade hunter-nin, how to set up a new identity, and how to convincingly fake your death," Naruto replied. "You know, the basic stuff."

"That's not really my area," Kakashi coughed.

"Would it be possible to trade you in for a different teacher?" Naruto asked. "Don't take that too hard, it's not you, it's me."

"Back to jutsu practice," Kakashi ordered.

"Boring!" Naruto groaned.

To the boy's intense and vocal disgust, the team's next several missions consisted of a bunch of stupid tasks that both kept him in the village and gave him little opportunity to slip away. Worse, his useless teacher had yet to teach anything useful. It got so bad that he couldn't stand it any longer and was quite clear about that fact during the team's next meeting with the village's leader.

"What sort of mission would you prefer, Naruto?" Sarutobi asked.

"Something that will take me out of the village!" Naruto cheered, giddy at the prospect of being free from the horrid place again.

The mission ended up being a routine escort of a trade rep going back to the newly prosperous land of Waves to negotiate some potentially lucrative contracts.

"I don't wish to complain, but are we going to be stopping for the night any time soon?" the client asked hopefully. "Afraid I've gotten a bit soft since the last time I had to go out."

"There should be an inn coming up," Kakashi assured their client.

And there was, it was a small affair, more of a place to stop for a meal than a place to stop for the night, but it had its charms. Most notably the best beer for two days an a very friendly innkeeper.

"We need three rooms for . . ." Kakashi trailed off when the innkeeper brushed past him, looking as if he hadn't heard a word.

"Why if it isn't our old friend Hen Tai," the innkeeper said with a wide grin. "Haven't seen you in . . . must be two years, not since you got dragged off by those ninja."

"Does your wife still make those little cakes?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"She'll have a batch in the oven as soon as she finds out you're here to eat them again," the innkeeper laughed.

"You know him?" Kakashi asked.

"Best dish washer I ever had," the innkeeper agreed. Not to mention all the times the boy had passed through attached to one group of traveling performers or another, kid was always good for a laugh.

They spent a quiet night at the inn which made up for the exciting day they had on the road on their next day of travel.

"I'm not head collecting," Kakashi told the missing nin, standing between his team and one of the missing swordsmen of the Mist and hoping like hell there wasn't going to be a fight.

"I'm not here for you or your client," Zabuza replied. The two elite ninja eyed each other.

"Oh my god!" one of the smaller missing nin squealed. "You're Momiji Manko, the great magician of the west, I saw the show you did in Mist." Haku's mask twitched. "Can I have your autograph?"

"Always happy to meet a fan," Naruto said grandly, ignoring his confused teammates. A pen appeared in one hand and a picture appeared in the other. "Who should I make it out to?"

Kakashi sighed, he really hated his life sometimes. Over the remaining two days of travel, Naruto ended up being stopped a dozen more times for a dozen more autographs. On the plus side, Kakashi thought to himself, he was getting quite a bit of good info on some of the boy's alternate identities to pass on to the Hunter Nin.

On the minus, nearly everything he was learning should have been public enough that the intel section should have known about it months or years ago. Including . . .

"The great Uzumaki bridge?" Kakashi asked dully. It didn't have to mean anything, he told himself, the Uzumaki were a great clan that came from the general region they were in and it was only natural that things would be named after them.

"Named after the brave hero who freed us from the clutches of the evil Gato," the bridge keeper explained.

The jonin eyed the two students he had with him. "You wouldn't be able to tell me what he looked like, would you?"

"Well he looked kind of like . . . didn't you have three brats with you before?"

"Damn it!" Kakashi cursed, summoning his dogs.

"Where do you think you're going?" their client demanded.

"Off to . . ."

"Your mission is to stay here and protect me," the client said firmly. "And might I also point out that the contract stipulates no outside communication without my express permission." Permission he wasn't going to give as he was unwilling to help them track down the great Shibakuzo Ryu before his idol could put out his next record.

"Damn it," Kakashi cursed.

IIIIIIIIII

Miles away and weeks later, a heavily disguised Naruto crept into the performers area and sidled up to one of the clowns.

"Aren't you the old knife thrower's assistant?" the clown teased. "The one that got kidnapped by ninja a couple years ago?"

"That must have been someone else," Naruto replied. "He had blond hair, while I, as you can see, have black."

"True," the clown agreed, with a grin. "What's your name, kid?"

"Bakemono Bukake," Naruto replied.

"Why don't we just call you Baked for short?" the clown suggested, accepting a small bag of leafy green material.

"Sure," he agreed. "Or you could call me Naruto if you like."

"That was the name that knife thrower's assistant," the clown mused.

"Which we already agreed couldn't possibly be me but by taking his name, it will be like he never left," Naruto explained.

"You're right, good to have you back, Naruto."

"Good to be back," Naruto replied.

"Afraid we can't give you your old job back, filled it with the knife thrower's daughter, since we expected you to be with Haruka's carnival down south this time of year."

"How is Akane?" Naruto asked.

"Growing up to be just as pretty as her mother," the clown replied. "And a bit pissed at you for missing her Birthday about six weeks ago. Hope you kept your dodging practice up, because she's a chip off the old block. You have any objection to helping the tightrope walkers and acrobats?"

"None at all."

"You know where they are, hope you can stay longer before getting kidnapped again this time."

"It should take them at least a couple weeks to track me down after all the false trails I left," Naruto said cheerfully. It was so good to be back under the bigtop again. Just like he'd told that Yukie gal years ago, show business was the only business to be in. 

AN: In addition to coming up with the over all concept, polish was provided, as always, by the invincible dogbertcarroll.

Typos by: Silas Dunsmore, meteoricshipyards, siaru74

A few aliases that I didn't get around to using;

"Kuso Hen"

"Warui Atama"

"Oshiri Chu"

"Oppai Suki"

"Debu Unko"

"Uso Manko"

"Kowai Chin"

Omake: Another possibly ending.

"You know where they are, hope you can stay longer before getting kidnapped again this time."

"Shouldn't be a problem this time," Naruto said cheerfully. It was so good to be back under the bigtop again. "Say."

"Yes?" the clown prompted.

"You got room for another performer?" Naruto asked. 

"Possibly," the clown allowed. "Bring a girlfriend or something?" Akane would be devastated.

"Nah." Naruto stuck his head out of the tent. "Hey, old man, you're up!"

Omake by Jason Xavier 

The Hokage puffed calmly at his pipe as Naruto was hauled in from his latest escape attempt.

He raised an eyebrow at the sight of the boy who appeared to have been wrapped tightly in rope, then stuffed into a straightjacket and then secured with manacles that were sealed with explosive tags to prevent tampering.

He glanced at the mouse masked ANBU and got a shrug in return.

"Naruto Uzumaki" Sarutobi said firmly. "I have a mission that requires your unique talents."

"Bite me, old man!" Naruto snapped back.

"Tempting, but there are several kunoichi who are willing to fill that need for me at the moment." Sarutobi rebutted dryly.

"Your mission is the infiltration of an enemy village; Once inside you are to investigate this man." Sarutobi continued as he slid a picture across the desk.

"He is a part of our intelligence network but we have recently received information that leads us to believe that he is a double agent. We want you to find proof. If he is a double agent he is to be eliminated. Since you are not yet experienced enough to do this sort of thing on your own we are removing you from Team 7 for the duration of this mission. You will be reporting to Anko.  
Any questions?" Sarutobi finished and took another puff from his pipe.

"So" Naruto said slowly. "You're tired of me escaping from the village so you're sending me out of it?" He smiled brightly. "OK!"

Sarutobi smirked. "Indeed we are, but in order to get paid for this A rank mission you have to do the job and come back when you're done."

Naruto's smile dropped. "You scheming bastard!" He accused. "That's low even for you!"

"Calm down brat" Anko said from her chair in the corner. "This was my idea, anyone who can evade a squad of hunter nin for over a month has a future in my particular kind of work." She smirked. "Besides, this way you get to spend more time out of the village than in it without occupying the hunter nin."

Short Gaara Scenes

"Temari, I choose you," Gaara growled.

"We never should have let him play that stupid game," the girl grumbled to herself."

"Hurry up or I'll kill you," Gaara threatened.

IIIIIIIIII

"Get in the kitchen and make me some pie, or I'll kill you," Gaara rasped.

"Pass me the salt, or I'll kill you."

Omake: True to Her Salt

Hinata felt a strange sense of calm overtake her as she watched the hostile nin step over the branch member's body.

"Two for the price of one," the first nin said with a wide grin.

"Twice the pay and twice the sport on the way back," his partner agreed, leering down at the two girls.

"While unskilled, I believe that I posses enough talent to make your chance of taking me alive vanishingly small," Hinata replied, no trace of stutter in her iron hard voice.

"Then stand aside," the nin barked, "you've got no chance against us!

"It's true that there's no way I can defeat you, not both of you," Hinata agreed. "However, I don't have to do that, do I? I just have to hold you long enough for my sister to summon help." A bitter smile lit her lips. "I think that even a loser like me can do that, one would be pressed to find a better way to spend one's life. Hanabi!" she snapped.

"Yes, sister?" the girl asked nervously.

"Run!" she ordered. A smile appeared on the girl's face. "You are within range of my divination . . ."

IIIIIIIIII

The head of the Hyuuga clan was contemplating his garden when a disturbance broke his concentration. With a gesture, he activated his bloodline which drew his attention to the fact that his youngest daughter was the cause.

"Father!" the little girl sobbed.

Hiashi pushed aside the branch members guarding his daughter. "What is it?"

"They killed Osokumaru, they tried to take me," the little girl's voice was on the edge of panic.

"Who did?!" he demanded.

"I don't know!" she wailed.

"What happened," he asked, forcing himself to appear calm.

"Hinata wouldn't let them," Hanabi sobbed, "she said . . . she said . . ." the little girl dissolved into tears.

Hiashi felt as if a fist made of ice had seized his heart as his eyes raised to meet with one of the branch members.

The man gave a small shake of his head, his eldest daughter was gone.

"She died a Hyuuga of the main house," the branch member whispered.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Mini Omake: That which must never be.

"Let me just sit here with them for a while please, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said, his depressed gaze resting on the bodies of their defeated foes.

"Take as long as you like, Naruto," Kakashi said.

Naruto waited until he was sure that he was alone before walking up to Haku's body to give it a close inspection.

"Giggity, I knew no boy was that pretty," he said with a satisfied grin. "Heh heh, all-right!"

After another quick look around to confirm he was alone, he grabbed the dead girl's ankle and dragged her into the bushes.

His voice drifted out from behind the bushes, "Kakashi sure has some thin hands and it fits just right!" 

AN: dogbertcarroll played a part in this, granted that part was correcting a couple errors and adding the last line, but a part none the less.


	19. Scenes from a fic or a dozen:

Disclaimer: Just clearing out the HD.

Scenes from a fic or a dozen:

Omake: Distraction

Hinata giggled in delight when she saw the medic nin stripping Naruto to get a better look at what the snake bastard had done to his seal. She wiped a bit of drool off her chin as the boy was left with nothing but a pair of ripped boxers to protect his modesty.

The girl absently bitch-slapped her cousin, disrupting his attack and showing her opinion on anyone who tried to drag her out of her happy place. Hinata huffed as her cousin tried another attack. With a sigh, she returned her attention to the arena. "I'm sorry, brother Neji, but you brought this on yourself," she finished ominously.

"As if a loser like you could- urk!"

She removed her foot from his groin and proceeded to give him a quick lesson on why it wasn't a good idea to interrupt Hinata when she was doing something important. "Now, are you going to wait till I'm ready to have our silly little match or am I going to have to get angry?" Hinata asked. 

"Now, are you going to wait till I'm ready to have our silly little match or am I going to have to get angry?" Hinata asked.

Neji didn't respond, probably because he was in critical condition.

"Winner, Hinata Hyuuga!" the Proctor said loudly, taking care to stay outside the girl's reach.

Omake: Mistaken Nomination

"You're nominating us for the Chunin exam?" Naruto asked, not able to believe his good fortune.

"I am," Kakashi agreed.

"YES!" Naruto cheered. "I was afraid you'd make us wait forever."

Kakashi smirked as Naruto bounced off, that was exactly the sort of reaction he was expecting from his most surprising student.

The smirk disappeared a few minutes later when he was called to appear before the Hokage.

"Could you repeat that, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked, unable to believe what he'd been told.

"Naruto has requested a transfer out of your team," the Hokage said, "stating that he'd be willing to float until the next graduation if need be."

"But . . . but why?" Kakashi demanded. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. "He did say why, didn't he?"

"He's cites three reasons," the Hokage agreed, "the first is a teacher who doesn't, the second is teammates who aren't, and the third is the fact that none of your team seems to like each other ignoring some unhealthy obsessions over certain bloodlines." The Hokage sighed. "It's his right since you nominated them for the exam. The question I need to ask you is, should I grant his request?" 

"NO!" Kakashi blurted. "No, I'll talk to him and get him to change his mind."

"You have until the start of the exam," the Hokage agreed. "Naruto suggested you use it finding another teammate so your other two can enter."

Omake: Worse Than Trash

"You're training Sasuke aren't you?"

Kakashi refused to meet the Gennin's eyes.

"Those who abandon their teammates are worse then trash," Naruto muttered as he turned and walked away.

Kakashi winced. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. He almost called out to the blond but managed to catch himself. It was better this way, Sasuke had chance to be something great, while Naruto . . . Maybe he'd teach the boy a couple of flashy techniques after the exams were over.

Omake: Actions have Consequences

"I don't get it!" Naruto shouted. "Why did you want to destroy Konoha?!"

"No one screws me out of my money," Kyuubi growled. "Dirty village of swindlers."

"What are you talking about?"

"I used to run a casino," Kyuubi growled, "then one day a woman came in and had a bad streak of luck, in fact and she was down several million at the end of the day."

"So what?"

"So she welched on her bets, big breasted bitch was from Konoha."

"One time-" Naruto began.

"It wasn't just one time!" Kyuubi interrupted. "In addition to my casino, I was also the highest paid courtesan in fire country. Princes would give up their kingdoms for my favor."

"And?" Naruto asked with a sinking feeling.

"And one day a famous author made an appointment with me," Kyuubi hissed. "Perverted bastard was quite charming until it came time to settle up." 

"He didn't pay, did he?"

"Son of a bitch skipped out on his bills!" Kyuubi roared. "Do you know where he was from?"

"Konoha, right?"

"I let them do it once," Kyuubi growled, "figuring that a bad egg can come from anywhere, but two times . . . I will not be cheated a third."

"Just because they happened to have been from the village . . ."

"They were considered to be the pinnacle of what the village could achieve, two of the three most legendary ninja of their generation, heroes to be emulated by one and all." Kyuubi's eyes narrowed. "Instructor of the newest Hokage, scum from a nest of scum that had to be eliminated for the good of all."

Omake: Peer Pressure

"You do know that lying about a mission is grounds for cancellation," Kakashi asked with a frown.

"I say we kill his entire family," Naruto said enthusiastically, "and then we rape the corpses. Teach the world not to lie to Konoha!"

Inner Sakura quickly took control, as Sakura herself was too stunned by Naruto's uncharacteristic comments to do anything more than stare, "I vote rape then kill, but only if they fail to provide some decent relief. It's not nearly as much fun otherwise and a good beating should teach them not to lie to the Leaf."

Sasuke refused to be outdone by the Dead Last and his Pink Haired Stalker. "Agreed and the rest of your family better be a damn sight better looking and smelling then you are or we'll skip straight to the maiming."

Naruto finished draining the lizard and quickly switched places with his clone, who dispelled himself, leaving Naruto with a set of very strange memories and thoughts, from a kyuubi affected clone. Deciding that maybe the fox was on to something, since his teammates were finally agreeing with him on something, he decided to go with the flow.

AN: This is an idea I really want to expand, just can't figure out what to do with it. Pity.

Omake: Airtight no Jutsu

"Hey kid," Anko purred, "ever heard of the Airtight no Jutsu?"

"No," Naruto said in confusion. "What's it do?"

"It fixes my plans for tonight," the woman said with a sultry grin. "You do know the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You need to know at least one type of solid clone technique to get it right," she said with a wave. "Come on."

"Okay," Naruto agreed. 'Yay, new jutsu!'

Deciding that it was a form of grappling maneuver used to restrain and tire out an opponent without causing any permanent damage, the kindhearted demon container quickly added it to his repertoire of combat skills. Combining his new skills with mass shadow clones and a mix of Sexy Jutsu clones, Naruto soon finds a strange sort of fame and a listing in the Bingo Books as the Ichi-Ichi Nin.

Defeating entire armies without a single causality becomes possible, but Naruto found he had to take on more difficult missions to pay the massive child support payments other villages have demanded as the only real flaw with his technique is discovered... Shadow Clones can cause real pregnancies. 

Omake: A Cunning Plan

"Listen kid," Zabuza said in a low voice. "I'm almost fifty percent sure that Haku is a girl, so why don't you take 'her' out. Have a nice night on the town."

"How can you not know if Haku is a girl or not?" Naruto demanded.

Zabuza rolled his eyes. "I adopted her thinking she was a boy with a bit of a modesty problem and as she got older it kinda became obvious that I'd read the situation wrong, but as devoted as she was to me I couldn't exactly ask without insulting her," he explained, hoping he was right and subtly shading his speech to influence Naruto's perceptions on the matter.

"I guess that kinda makes sense."

"She's certainly more feminine than the two girls on your team."

"Sasuke is a a guy."

"Seriously!? Have you checked?"

"No..." Naruto trailed off, disturbing thoughts running through his brain.

"Well I'd check under the hood before saying anything. Haku likes to pretend to be a feminine looking boy too, it cuts down on the number of assaults she has to deal with."

The killer watched the dumb blond go off in search of his student, his plan to get grandchildren couldn't fail: Grandchildren with a powerful bloodline and massive amounts of stamina, grandchildren who would tear through the opposition and make him Mizukage . . . "Bwahahahahahahaha!"

Omake: Loyalty

"Hokage-sama, there has been an incident at the orphanage," the Anbu reported.

"Is Naruto alright?" the old man demanded.

"He is. The problem is that the team you assigned to watch him did not resolve it," the Anbu said respectfully. "The nin who did overacted quite badly to the perceived threat."

"Kakashi?"

"Orochimaru's apprentice. She's demanding to speak with you and refusing to let anyone near the child. Dog suggested that we follow her demands for the time being, since she does not appear to be a threat to the child."

"We should be on our way then," the Hokage said, rising to his feet.

The orphanage's walls were covered in blood spray, the halls filled with bodies and milling Anbu.

"She is at the end of the hall, Hokage-sama," one of the Anbu said respectfully. "Dog is keeping an eye on her."

The Hokage passed his waiting Anbu and stepped into the room.

"You made quit a mess outside, Anko," Sarutobi said gently as he slipped into the room.

"They tried to hurt him." The girl was clutching the child protectively in her arms. "I won't let anyone hurt him. I figured out who he is and I'll die before anyone lays a finger on him."

AN: Not sure what's prompting this. Could be that Anko is just ultra loyal to the 4th for some reason, could be that she's part of the Whirlpool diaspora, could be due to who Naruto's mother was.

AN (For the whole chapter): Some of the better formed scenes in my idea file, figured they were better off in the world than languishing on my HD.

Polish by dogbertcarroll

Grammar/Spelling by lwf58


	20. MAW

Disclaimer: I'll decide on a real name for this after I get around to writing the second chapter.

MAW

Jiraiya awoke with a pounding headache and a tongue so dry that it could be used as sandpaper. 'I must still be drunk from last night,' he thought to himself. Unless of course there was another possible explanation of why the world seemed to be rocking back and fourth.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," a masculine voice said cheerfully. "Got just the thing for your hangover, if you'd like."

"Where am I?" the Toad Sage demanded.

"Two weeks out of port on a six month journey to the southern islands," the voice replied.

"Turn around."

"Afraid we can't do that," the voice said regretfully. "You see . . ."

Jiraiya cracked his eyelids open to glare at the other man. "You are aware of what this thing on my forehead represents, aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I am."

"And you're also aware of what I'm capable of doing to you, aren't you?" Unspoken was the threat that he'd take his time doing it.

"Afraid I'm aware of that too," the man agreed.

"Then why don't you think very carefully about what you're going to say next," Jiraiya suggested.

"We're taking on fresh water in three weeks," the man said quickly. "It'd take longer then that to get back and you can catch another ship on the island."

"How much longer would it take to get back?"

"Thanks to the winds, long enough that we might not have enough water to make it," the man assured his unwilling guest.

"Fine," Jiraiya agreed. He frowned as a thought formed. "How'd I get here anyway?"

"An angry mob dropped you on the deck and suggested that we weigh anchor immediately," the man explained. "Then half a dozen ships escorted us out of the harbor . . . it's the reason we're low on fresh water. We didn't have enough time to finish provisioning before we left."

Cursing his terrible luck, Jiraiya fingers went through the familiar sequence to summon a toad.

"Whadda ya want?" the toad asked disrespectfully.

"Tell Naruto that I'm going to be gone for a couple months," Jiraiya told the summon. "Tell him that I'm-" No way was he going to let his student find out that a ninja of his stature had been shanghaied. "Tell him I'm checking something out and that he should teach himself a couple techniques from the scrolls in my pack."

"Right," the little toad agreed. "Anything else?"

"That's it."

IIIIIIIIII

It had taken Naruto an hour to realize that his instructor was gone and another two before he had the bright idea of finding out if the old leach had left a message with one of the summons. As it happened, he had.

"Dammit!" shouted the yellow headed teenager as he was looking at the messenger toad. "You mean ero-senin took off and left me holding the bag? Where is he?"

The toad looked at him. "Seemed like he was on a ship out at sea."

Naruto grumbled, "Wonderful. He's probably gone off to fool around with some woman again. He's never around to really train me, just going off on trysts all the time or doing his 'research' and leaving me with only a few scraps to learn. I should just go back to Konoha, it would be easier, and I'd get someone to teach me aside from that lazy assed teacher."

"Tell ero-senin that I'm going off to Konoha," Naruto told the toad as he went to pack up the campsite.

"Right." The toad sighed. Be a summons, his mother had said. Easy work aside from the occasional fight, she said. Bah. He dispelled himself.

"I will." Naruto sighed. Why couldn't he have a teacher that would actually teach him something?

IIIIIIIIII

After an appropriate amount of time, Jiraiya re-summoned the toad. Both to ensure that his student had gotten the message and to find out what, if any, reply the boy had given.

"He says he's going back to the village," the Toad said helpfully.

"NO!" Jiraiya shouted. Tsunade would castrate him if she found out that he'd left Naruto all by himself and undefended. "Tell him that he is not to go back to the village unless he's ordered to or there's an emergency."

"Okay," the toad agreed.

"Tell him that I'll be back soon and that he's to teach himself until I do," Jiraiya said firmly.

"Right," the toad sighed.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto finished packing up and summoned the toad again to find out what, if anything, the old bastard had to say for himself.

"What'd the old perv have to say?"

"That you're not to go back to the village unless there's an emergency or you're ordered to and that you're to train yourself from the scrolls in the perv's pack," the toad delivered the message.

Naruto considered it for a moment, and then jumped at the elder toad summoner's pack. Going through it, he found a lot of scrolls, books in storage seals, and money. The old goof had left him with virtually everything! But that didn't make sense. Why would he take off and leave everything behind?

Naruto sat down, and gave it some thought and came to one conclusion. It was a test. Ero-senin was probably still around, but he wanted to see how Naruto would do without interference. Ha! And Shikimaru thought he would never learn about people!

'Ah well, might as well take off', the young man contemplated, 'Ero-senin wants me to do this alone, and I'll prove that I can do it. There's a couple of towns that we were headed to, so they'll do.'

Naruto never knew he was headed into Stone.

The boy saw no reason to travel fast, he wasn't going anywhere or running from anything so why not take it slow? He'd gone through four of the scrolls in the old perv's pack before deciding to dig towards the bottom to see if there were any super cool techniques to be found.

'Hirashin? What the heck is that?' Naruto pondered as he looked over a scroll that was inside a seal that was in a book. He decided to call for, or rather summon for, some help.

"Gamakeichi, do you know what the Hirashin is?"

The toad frowned. "I've heard about it, but I'm not sure. You should call pop, he'll know."

Naruto proceeded to do that and learned it was a special maneuver of his father, but it required precisely written seals. He was determined to learn the technique, and promised to call on Gamabunta again when he got some Sake to share. Looked like he had to work on seals.

Little did he know that someone was watching him.

IIIIIIIIII

The nin waited until the blond boy was gone before carefully slinking back to inform the rest of the team of what he'd seen. It looked like Konoha had another yellow flash. Time to change that.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto got the itch to have a ramen after two weeks on the road. Without the old perv stopping him it was a simple matter to go into town to get a bowl.

Naruto sighed as he got into the restaurant. The only seat left was in the middle of the room, and that meant that everyone would be staring at him. Not that he really cared, since he was so hungry, but ero-senin said something about that a while back. After making his order, Naruto started to read a scroll while fiddling in his pocket for a trinket that he had picked up a while back.

The trinket fell out of his pocket, and he leaned over to get it.

There was an intense whoosh sound over his head, followed by another, and then a dozen more.

He got back up and noticed a lot of people were asleep around him. Did the whole town like taking naps? Ah! That was why the advice ero-senin said didn't make sense. Alway have a booth with a wall behind you! It was so that he could go to sleep when he needed to!

The waiter came back and nervously gave Naruto his order of ramen, telling the scary yellow haired young man that it was on the house. 

Any kid who could wipe out an entire restaurant of nin in the minute that he left the room was not someone he wanted around for long.

IIIIIIIIII

Hikaru had been a ninja for Iwa since he was eight years old and an Anbu since he was sixteen. What he found in a little border village scared the hell out of him.

"One kid did this?" he demanded for the fifth time.

"Yes," the waiter agreed. "I wasn't out of the room more than two minutes."

"And he was alone, you're sure of it?" the Anbu persisted.

"Everyone that was here besides him is dead," the waiter said firmly.

"Do you know where he is now?"

"He asked where a good place to practice was, I told him about the clearing north of town."

"Tell me where it is, give very detailed directions," Hikaru ordered.

After leaving the restaurant, it was surprisingly easy to find the boy. Tempting as it was to rush in and kill the apparently talentless brat, he stayed his hand. Anyone who was able to do what the brat had done was someone to take seriously.

"Rasengan!" the boy called out his attack.

"No," Hikaru gasped. "It can't be."

A couple summoned toads confirmed it. His village's greatest enemy was back.

IIIIIIIIII

Shizune walked into her mentor's office with a frown on her face.

"What is it?" Tsunade demanded.

"Do we have anyone near stone, Tsunade-sama?" she asked.

"Shouldn't, why?"

"There are reports that a Konoha nin single handedly killed two hundred missing nin in a small village just inside Iwa's territory," Shizune replied.

"Tell the usual suspects and then tell them that I expect them here in no more than an hour with answers!" Tsunade growled. "The last thing we need right now is more trouble with Stone."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama," Shizune agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Hikaru refused to wilt under the incredulous glares of the rest of his team. He knew what he'd seen and that was all there was to it.

"The yellow flash?" the team leader asked dryly. "You do know he's dead, don't you?"

"And that he'd be older than fifteen," another added.

"Maybe it was his kid," Hikaru said quickly. "All I know is that I saw a blond Konoha nin, one that took out thirty shinobi in less than two minutes, summoning toads and using the bastard's favored technique."

"Even if it is just the bastard's son, he's still a target worth servicing," the leader said thoughtfully. "Hikaru, see if you can find him again. Shinobu, go with him. Maki, Taki, Kenji, I want you three to connect with teams one, seven, and nine, along with anyone else you run into. Tell them we came across a priority target and need as much backup as possible."

"Right!" they agreed.

"Son of the yellow flash," the leader growled. "Not for much longer."

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya vomited over the side of the boat for the hundredth time. He hated being seasick. A shiver racked his frame and he wondered again if it might not be a good idea to keep running rather than to go back to collect his wayward apprentice. It was only the threat of what his old teammate would do to him if he abandoned the boy entirely that kept the thought from becoming a reality.

IIIIIIIIII

Hikaru breathed a sigh of relief when he was rejoined by his team and two others. The boy had no chance, it didn't matter who he was, there was no one in the world that could take three teams of Stone Anbu on their home turf.

"You know where he is right now?"

"I've got a local informant, washout from the academy, coming to give me an update," Hikaru replied. "We should be able to end this within an hour."

IIIIIIIIII

Tsunade glared at her sub-commanders. One of them was responsible for what could shape into a massive diplomatic incident and none of them were willing to cop to it.

"You're only making this more difficult for yourselves," she said sweetly. "Confess now and all you'll suffer is a few broken bones. I find out which one of you is responsible later and I'll get creative."

"I swear to you, Hokage-sama, all of my men are accounted for," the Anbu Commander promised. "I'm not sure we even have anyone that is capable of killing two hundred nin in two minutes."

"Not since the fourth anyway," one of the others added.

Tsunade's teeth ground together in frustration and her fingers clenched into fists. That was not the correct answer to give.

IIIIIIIIII

The Anbu surrounded the warehouse that held the son of their most hated foe. It would soon be over, their honored dead could finally rest easy with the knowledge that the village had avenged them on the son of their slayer.

Muscles tensed until the leader of the first Anbu team clicked his mic twice, ordering the attack. It was go time.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto screamed in frustration when he felt the clone he had making his explosive notes disappear. What in the hell could have happened? A low rumble in the distance and a rapidly rising plume of smoke answered his question. He'd been so sure that a an old warehouse filled with flour would be the best place to experiment too.

With a couple hand gestures, Naruto quickly created a couple more clones to pack up his camp. Two years with the pervert had taught him that it was best to be out of town before the angry mob had a chance to form. After accidentally destroying a large portion of the warehouse district, he was sure that someone would be by to talk with him in no time and it was a conversation he was eager to miss.

IIIIIIIIII

Tsunade glared down at the pile of broken and bruised nin. Despite enduring a beating with all the savagery a master of human anatomy could muster, not one of them had talked. The idea that they might not be the responsible parties wormed its way into her mind.

"Get me Danzo," she ordered. "Tell him I need to have a talk with him." Maybe that would distract her from the fact that Jiraiya's report on Naruto's progress was nearly a month late.

IIIIIIIIII

The Stone Anbu entered the town wearing a variety of disguises. One was a traveling merchant, one was a drifter, two more did their best to act like they'd been there for ages, and the last sauntered in without any disguise at all.

It did not take them long to piece together a bit of what happened to the teams that had disappeared and they quickly set about examining the blast site. For a time, it looked as if they'd never know the whole story of what had happened. Fortunately, the luck that had abandoned their dead companions was returned to them with a healthy amount of interest.

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya was off the ship before it had tied to the dock and into the nearest brothel a minute after the gangplank had landed. He'd see about arranging passage back after he'd arranged to get a few blockages cleared.

A smirk adorned the nin's face, looked like he'd been a bit too rough on the poor captain. The poor man had, without prompting, told him about the finest house of ill repute on the island and had even agreed to pay for his first night. The village frowned on its ninja extorting things from civilians outside of dire emergencies, but he figured the bastard owed him for agreeing (however unwillingly) to aid in the kidnapping of a ninja of the leaf.

IIIIIIIIII

Danzo had a bland look on his face when he entered the Hokage's office. Time to see what the weak willed cow wanted now. Hopefully it wouldn't take long, he had things to do.

"I've already signed the order to have you castrated and slowly executed," Tsunade said as the man opened his mouth. "Sentence to be carried out immediately and by me."

"What?" Danzo gaped like a fish. That had not been how he expected this meeting to go.

"You can earn back your life, maybe even your testicles, if you confess right now. If not." The woman's fist shattered her desk. "The choice is yours." And what the bastard in front of her was about to receive paled in comparison to what she'd do to her teammate if Naruto had so much as a scratch on him.

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya strolled out of the brothel the next morning feeling ten years younger and a dozen times more smug. He never liked it when he had to skip a pipe cleaning session.

"You!" he barked at the nearest civilian.

"What?" the civilian barked back.

"Where do I go to book passage back to the elemental countries?" he asked.

"Just hit one of the ships the next time one's in port," the civilian replied.

"When will the next one be in port?"

"Two or three months maybe," the civilian said. "Could be up to four depending on how things go."

"What?"

"Fleet goes out this time of year and back when the winds change," the civilian explained.

"That son of a bitch," Jiraiya growled. Time to go have a talk with his old friend the captain.

As it happened, that talk was going to have to wait since the ship had sailed out of port hours earlier. He was stuck on a scummy little island, weeks from anywhere, and his apprentice was . . . best not to even think about that.

IIIIIIIIII

Tsunade's teeth ground together as she watched several nervous Anbu mop up what was left of the one armed warhawk. Damn, but she needed a drink.

IIIIIIIIII

The Tsuchikage was waiting when the sole survivor of the assassination team was brought in, eager to hear if the fragmented reports he'd received were true.

"It was an ambush," the injured ninja rasped. "We never had a chance against him."

"What happened?" the Tsuchikage demanded.

"One of our informants told us that the boy had been seen in the abandoned warehouse district." The ninja gave a laugh that turned into a cough. "I'd love to know if he turned our man or . . ."

"Sources indicate that he was run over by a cart shortly after you met with him," his superior interjected. "No signs of foul play."

"One mystery solved," the injured ninja mumbled. "It wasn't hard to track him down to the specific warehouse he was hiding in, the team leader gave the signal to attack and . . ."

"And what?"

"And the world turned upside down," the injured ninja replied. "I don't know what happened next. Light...sound... darkness." He laughed hoarsely until he broke out in tears.

"Rest," his superior ordered. "Despite the failure of your mission, you've still provided the village with invaluable information." He turned away and walked out of the room, causing his assistant to have to rush to follow him. "Brilliant . . . simply brilliant."

"Sir?" the assistant asked.

"Tell me, where did the recovery team find our survivor?"

"Under two tons of rubble," the assistant replied. "It was pure luck that we had other assets in the area, that were able to respond to the first team's request for backup, and that he was in a void."

"The boy must have figured that he was dead, or maybe he didn't think he had enough time to make sure." The man smiled. "For whatever reason, he left behind a survivor. A survivor that was able to provide us with information so valuable that I'd have gladly spent a dozen more lives to get even half of it."

"Just because the boy's father is . . ." 

"It has nothing to do with the boy's father!" the Tsuchikage barked.

"I don't understand, sir."

"Whoever this boy's father is pales in comparison to what he's capable of. Think about it."

"He's good enough to wipe out four entire ANBU assassination teams before they knew they were in any danger," the assistant said in a tone full of terrified wonder.

"What would we have thought if there weren't any survivors?" The man laughed bitterly. "Must have run afoul of the locals, or missing nin, or god knows why else. Hell, who knows how many teams we've already lost to him without knowing it?" The man laughed. "I'd give anything to know if the boy arranged things to wipe out as many of our ninja as possible or if he was simply reacting to our teams' discovery."

The assistant gulped. "It was a grain warehouse sir, the locals figured it was an accident."

"An accident?" 

"I'm told it happens occasionally, sir, something to do with the dust," the assistant explained.

"An accident," the Tsuchikage said in a tone of satisfaction.

"What are we going to do now, sir?"

"Now . . . now, I want to concentrate on gathering as much information as possible on the boy. Talk to our allies and assets."

"Yes, sir."

"And put out an avoid order to our ninja, we don't have anyone expendable to go after a powerhouse like him."

"Yes, sir. I will, sir."

IIIIIIIIII

The Raikage stared down at the report for a few seconds before fixing his eyes on the nin standing in front of his desk.

"Summarize," he barked.

"Stone is expending quite a lot of resources to gather information on one of Konoha's nin," the man reported. "They . . . we believe they think he's the son of their fourth Hokage."

"I see." The Raikage considered the matter for a few minutes. "Find out what you can about the boy, tell our assets to avoid any conflict with him."

"Sir?"

"Stone thinks that he's the fourth Hokage's son and he's still alive, what does that tell you?" the Raikage asked dryly.

"Understood, sir."

"Dismissed."

AN: Why yes, I have written this story before.

Polish/Beta by dogbertcarroll

Scenes by Chris Hill


	21. Whirling Sparks

Disclaimer: He plays by intuition.

Whirling Sparks

The once mighty army, that stared across the narrow straight that separated the Village Hidden in the Whirlpools from the larger landmass, had been reduced to nearly a tenth of their starting number. The most galling thing about that, so far as the commanders were concerned, was the fact that the village they'd come to destroy didn't seem to be paying them the slightest bit of attention. Not one man had been lost as a result of verifiable enemy action, instead they'd all been killed by; traps, the local wildlife, and most terrifying of all... escaped experiments.

In preparation for the coming conflict, the survivors constructed landing craft to take them across the thin ribbon of water separating them from their foes. Each man prepared to die horribly, in the latest attempt to remove the threat posed by the ninja of the swirling water, when salvation appeared as the village they'd come to destroy disappeared from before their disbelieving eyes.

To the men it was a godsend, to the generals it was an opportunity. "What do you say we take credit for that?" one proposed.

"What if it comes back?" another countered. "And how do we explain the disappearance of a whole island?"

"We'll say they activated some sort of suicide seal array when it became clear that we were going to win," the third said firmly. "If they come back, it must have been a transport seal of some sort that they used because we were too powerful for them."

"But-" the man's mouth snapped shut when a giant tentacle dragged one of the retreating landing craft into the deep. "Agreed, we tell the men and then none of us ever say a word about any of this."

Ten thousand men had been sent by their villages to end Uzu, one thousand had gotten within sight of Whirlpool. Of them, barely fifty made it home.

IIIIIIIIII

Sarutobi was doing his best to relax in his office when the head of the Hyuuga clan entered, accompanied by several other prominent ninja, to ruin his day. Not for the first time, the Hokage wished that he'd been the one to seal the damned fox and that his successor was still around to deal with all the triple damned problems his spawn caused.

"Well?" Sarutobi prompted.

"There is a situation at the academy, Hokage-sama," Hiashi said respectfully.

Belatedly, Sarutobi realized that each of the men in the Hyuuga's delegation currently had a child in Naruto's year. "Explain."

"The Uzumaki has decided to modify his classmates to make them more efficient minions," Hiashi replied. "Starting with my daughter."

"I see, what sort of modifications?"

"According to his plans, he intended to make her stronger, more flexible, faster, give her more endurance, and better memory," Hiashi listed a few things off.

"All things that would be useful for any active ninja," the third pointed out.

"Hokage-sama, understand that we are, above all, your loyal ninja. Should you order it, I shall stand aside and allow the boy to rip my daughter apart and, hopefully, put her back together."

"But?" Sarutobi prompted.

"I am afraid the civilians are not quite as understanding as we, your loyal ninja, are," Hiashi said delicately. "The boy has already modified one girl."

"What did he do?"

"Gave the girl pink hair at her request," Hiashi said smoothly. "As luck would have it, the girl's grandparents used to run trade caravans to whirlpool and understand that one must be careful with one's tongue around Uzumaki."

"They blame themselves for what happened," another nin reported. "Apparently the grandparents warned the girl and she figured that it was as good a chance as she'd ever get to get pink hair. Bugged him for nearly a week before he did it."

"And that gave him the idea to modify the others," Sarutobi sighed. With any luck, they didn't have the makings of another Orochimaru. "Where is Naruto now?"

"I have two dozen ninja from the branch house watching him, Hokage-sama," Hiashi said calmly.

"What?" Sarutobi's eyes flashed, reminding those present of whispered warnings about waking sleeping dragons.

"Forgive the impertinence, Hokage-sama, but I only did it in anticipation of your orders. The boy needed to be protected from any potential angry mobs and I was unable to give orders to any of your active Anbu." Every movement of the Hyuuga's body was calculated to show deference and respect. "Thus, the only guards I could use were my own. If my actions were incorrect, I will respectfully submit to any punishment you chose to give."

"Horse!" the Hokage barked.

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" the Anbu announced her presence.

"Take your team and two others to secure Naruto," Sarutobi ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama." The Anbu disappeared.

"Hiashi, assure the civilians that I have a potential solution," the Third sighed. Heavy was the head that bore the crown. With luck, his idea would protect the boy from the village, protect the village from the boy, and protect the boy from himself.

"Forgive the impertinence, Hokage-sama, but may I presume to ask what your possible solution is?" the head of the Hyuuga did his best not to sound smug.

"I'll talk to Jiraiya to see if we can seal off some of his abilities," the Hokage promised. Hating what it might do to the boy's development, having never before heard of an Uzumaki awakening so early, having never believed it was possible. "And, Hiashi."

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"I trust that you'll explain to the civilians that the situation has been resolved," the old man said calmly.

"Of course, Hokage-sama."

"Good, know that I will hold your clan responsible for any misunderstandings that may occur in the future," the Hokage said coldly. "Your entire clan."

"U-understood, Hokage-sama," the now pale head of the Hyuuga clan stammered.

The Hokage raised his voice. "That goes for every nin that here. You were worried enough for the boy's safety to bring the matter to me, you can accept the responsibility if something happens to the boy."

It was a considerably less certain group of ninja that left the Hokage tower. They'd gotten what they'd come to achieve, time would decide if it was worth it.

IIIIIIIIII

As it turned out, the boy in question's godfather was less than enthused by the idea of designing a seal to scramble the boy's brain. Especially not after he found out what had set the prudes in such a tizzy. Still, orders were orders and it was better he did it than force his old teacher to find someone with less skill, which modesty forced him to admit was nearly everyone else in the world.

"It's done?" the Third asked.

"It's done," Jiraiya agreed, unhappily. "As well as I could do anyway. I just wish . . ." he trailed off. Pity the lack of Uzumaki in the world meant applying another seal was best for the boy. "Let me know if the side effects get worse."

"What side effects?"

"His head will hurt every time he gets inspiration and he'll have trouble focusing in general." He hated to do it to his godson, but in the end, orders were orders. "Just, keep an eye on him."

"I'll have the medics perform regular check ups and I'll send a report to you every six months if the lines of communication are secure."

"Is that all, sensei?" Jiraiya asked, wanting to get out of the village and the reminder of how he'd failed his student.

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura was terrified. Her first C-rank, her first trip out of the village and things had gone badly wrong. The ease with which her instructor had dispatched the first two ninja along with the way he'd manhandled the last loyal Uchiha had given her a false sense that the man was invincible, that he could protect them from anything.

The last fight had proved that she was wrong. It was true that her instructor had survived and would likely recover if given the time, it was also true that their foe, the notorious Gato, could hire more ninja. Ninja that could deal with three inexperienced genin as easily as she could crush a bug.

"Naruto, do something!" Sakura shouted. Half remembered memories on just how she'd gotten her current shade of hair along with several remarks by her inner self suggested that the boy could get her out of the mess they'd found themselves in.

"Something?" Naruto repeated dumbly.

"You were able to catch Anbu with pranks, do the same here!" Sakura screamed, reasoning that anyone who could get the drop on one group of highly trained killers could do it to another.

"I don't think covering missing nin with paint will help us much, Sakura-chan," Naruto pointed out.

"Don't make them paint traps, make them lethal, use explosive tags or something," the girl ordered. "I'm sure Kakashi-sensei has some with him, check his things to see if you can find anything useful."

"Okay, Sakura-chan," Naruto agreed. As it turned out, Kakashi had not packed enough explosive tags for more than a couple traps. In fact, the man barely had anything of use just a few . . . Naruto's eyes began to shine with barely controlled madness. "BWAHA-Ouch ouch ouch!" This could work. "Ouch!" The boy winced, his head was killing him. He created a dozen clones to get the work done while he found a nice dark place to ride out the migraine.

The boy winced again as Sakura squealed something loud and incomprehensible. He'd find a nice dark quiet place to ride out the migraine away from the house.

IIIIIIIIII

Tsunami had spent her life in Wave and her childhood hearing stories about the village of mad scientists that had, for generations, ensured that no one like Gato had been foolish enough to attempt something before. Thus, she felt a spike of hope and a profound sense of satisfaction when she noticed tentacles snake out from one of the trees the boy's clones had been tinkering with to snag a passing rat. A smile bloomed on the woman's face as the tentacles dragged the struggling creature into the tree's toothy maw. The Uzumaki had returned to Wave, Gato's days were numbered.

IIIIIIIIII

Haku examined the boy for a few more seconds before dismissing him as a threat. He was dead the moment Zabuza gave the order, no sense getting to know him better, would only make things more difficult in the long run.

"What did you say your name was, ninja-san?" Haku asked.

"Naruto Uzumaki, and don't you forget it!" the boy shouted.

The missing nin's heart stopped upon hearing that rather famous name, the fact that the boy's pronouncement wasn't immediately followed by a bout of mad cackling caused the heart to restart. "I won't," Haku promised. "By the way, I'm a boy."

"A boy?" Naruto mused. "Hmmm-ouch, ouch ouch!" The boy clutched his head and waited for the wave of dizziness, nausea, and pain to pass.

IIIIIIIIII

Thunder clapped and water churned in the stretch of ocean that had once played host to the island containing the home of the world's most notorious ninja.

In a flash, what was gone reappeared amidst the sound of mad laughter, "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH A! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!"

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was less than pleased when he awoke to find he was missing a student, the explanation given by the other two did little to change that.

"You just let him go off by himself?" the Jonin repeated, sure he was missing something. "Knowing that there are at least two missing ninja and a large group of thugs loose in the countryside?" Who knew dealing with three, know-nothing, brats would be so difficult?

"When you put it like that," Sakura dithered. A disappointed adult was not something she'd had to deal with for quite some time.

"Damn it!" He really should have spent more time working on the know-nothing part of the equation. "How long has he been gone?"

"A day and a half, sensei," Sakura replied.

"And you didn't think to go find him?"

"Naruto put a bunch of traps around the house, sensei," Sakura explained. "His clones told us not to."

"Hn!" Sasuke agreed, having a new found respect for the other boy after seeing what the aforementioned 'traps' had done to the local wildlife.

"I see, you're sure he didn't get caught in one of them?" he asked, feeling a touch better about the situation as the boy had several notations in his file explicitly warning the reader about his skills in that area. As most of those warnings had been written by Anbu and countersigned by the Hokage, he'd payed them more mind than he did those about Sakura's academic prowess or Sasuke's love of tomatoes.

"Not even Naruto would get trapped in one of his own traps," Sakura replied.

"Right, I'm gonna-" The man tried and failed to pull himself to his feet. "Lay right here and hope that Naruto is alright. I need you two to figure out a way to find him without getting caught in the mess he put around the house."

To Kakashi's intense relief, Naruto reappeared the next morning and sat down to breakfast like nothing had happened.

"Some reason you decided to disappear for two days, Naruto?" Kakashi asked mildly. If the boy had a good excuse, he'd confine himself to merely dealing out a horrendous punishment at some later date.

"Sakura has a really high pitched voice, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto replied.

"A high pitched voice," Kakashi said flatly.

"I had a headache, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto explained.

"I see." That had been another notation in the boy's file, along side it was a report from the hospital's chief medic stating that it was not something that would keep the boy from the field and another from the Hokage that stated further inquiry into the subject was forbidden. Figuring it had something to do with the fox in the boy's gut, Kakashi decided to let the matter pass. "Let me know if you have anymore of these headaches."

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto agreed.

"How often do you get them?"

"I don't know, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto replied. "Maybe once or twice a week. They're usually not as bad as they were this time though."

"I see." He made a mental note to bring it up with the Hokage after they got back to the village. "Can I trust that you left us an easy way to get in and out of the house without tripping the traps?"

"It should be fine for us now, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said. "I just told Sakura to stay in the house because I wasn't sure how much control they'd have when they were hungry."

"Alright," Kakashi agreed. Ignoring the parts of the boy's statement that didn't make sense with the ease of long practice. "Get the others, we have some training to do."

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto agreed happily.

What followed was a few days of tree-walking and a couple hastily taught jutsu. It wasn't much, Kakashi admitted to himself, certainly not enough to keep them alive if the worst happened and their foe brought in more missing nin.

Three things kept him from calling for backup; the first was the knowledge that most missing nin refused to work with anyone they didn't already know and trust, the second was his certainty that he could defeat the demon of the mist, and finally the fact that they were far enough from the village that no help could arrive in time to make a difference.

Such was the life of a ninja, to die alone away from their village and family. 

IIIIIIIIII

There was something in the air when they woke up that spoke up impending violence. Something that caused each of the three baby ninja to be extra careful when they put on their equipment.

"Everyone ready?" Kakashi asked. Upon receiving three nods, he turned to his client. "Shall we?"

"Let's go," the old bridge builder agreed.

The fog came an hour before they were going to leave the bridge, at the very point they'd begun to convince themselves that they were going to have another quiet day.

The genin would remember the next few minutes as a series of flashes, of the sounds of their instructor battling the Demon of the Mist while they did their best to survive the fight against the man's apprentice.

A flash of light burned away the mist and the two high level ninja eyed each other, Kakashi's borrowed eye seeming to burn with an unholy internal light.

Another flash of light shot out of the ocean to cut a large troop carrier in half.

"Was that?" Kakashi mumbled in disbelief.

"Freaking sharks with freaking lasers on their freaking heads?" an equally shocked Zabuza supplied.

"Yes?"

"Yes!"

"Why don't we postpone our fight in favor of getting as far away from the ocean as possible," Kakashi suggested.

The appearance of a fifth shark, this one with tentacles, consuming his former employer convinced Zabuza that the best response to Kakashi's query, under the circumstances, was to squeal in fear and run like the beasts of nine hells were after him.

As an academy student, he'd heard a number of rumors about the sharktopus, each more horrible than the last and he had no intention of risking his anal virginity to find out how accurate they were. Pausing only to throw his apprentice over his shoulder, the man darted off the bridge and into the dubious safety offered by the interior.

While his team was doing what everyone with even a shred of common sense would do under similar circumstances, that is to run away as fast as their legs would take them, Naruto was showing the world that, despite the seal, Uzumaki blood bred true.

"That was awesome!" The boy was at the edge of the bridge staring out at the ocean in hopes of catching another glimpse of the mysterious creatures. He giggled as the sharktopus and the laser sharks fought over one of the unfortunate mercenaries, tearing the men to pieces before consuming their shares.

"Of course it was awesome, I made them and I am, after all, a genius!" a female voice said loudly.

Naruto spun around to find a well endowed red headed woman in her early twenties wearing a fetish outfit with a gear motif staring down at him. "Who're you!" the boy demanded.

"Machi Uzumaki, number eight greatest scientific genius of Uzu!" the woman bellowed. "Who're you!"

"Oh yeah!" Naruto shouted. "Well I'm Naruto Uzumaki and you can't be an Uzumaki since I'm the last one!"

"Look at me!" the woman shouted back. "Red hair, dead sexy, super genius. What does that equal? Uzumaki of course!" She preened for a bit. "Now look at yourself. Blond haired idiot. If anyone can't be an Uzumaki it's you!"

"You take that back!" A single gesture created a hundred shadow clones.

"Hmmmmm?" The woman frowned. "Do that again."

"What?" Naruto asked dumbly, confused by her sudden attitude change.

"The thing with the clones, do it again," she ordered.

Unable to think of what else to do, Naruto complied. The woman took a step closer and began eyeballing his forehead.

"What're you doing?" Naruto asked.

"There's your problem, right there," she said, ignoring the question. She extended her middle finger and poked the boy in the forehead with enough force to knock him out.

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura had learned a lot of things in the academy, everything from how to calculate the angle of a thrown kunai to the history of the Senju clan, but above all, she'd learned that if you saw a higher ranked nin making a high speed strategic retreat, you didn't ask questions till after you'd put distance between you and whatever it was they were running from.

They came to a staggering halt in front of their employer's house and Kakashi did a quick head count. One, two, three. "Good enough." Wait, there was something off about that last count. The man frowned and did a quick recount; two students, one old drunk. "How'd you get here so fast?"

"Unlike you, I'm old enough to have personal experience with Uzu," Tazuna replied. "I got here before you did." He'd started running the instant the mist had disappeared. Missing nin were one thing, Uzumaki were something else entirely.

"Damn it!" Kakashi cursed. "Did you see what happened to my other one?"

"Didn't stick around long after seeing the first shark, but it looked to me like he was giggling and cheering them on." A small part of Tazuna had wanted to stay with the boy and watch Gato get what he had coming to him. That was, of course, quickly overcome by self preservation and the desire to get as far away from the scene of carnage as possible. "He really is an Uzumaki, isn't he?" The newly carnivorous foliage had hinted as much, but the fact that there were only a dozen of them and they lacked any sort of projection weapons hinted otherwise.

"Yes," Kakashi admitted. He looked down at his gasping students. "Do you two know how to use sealed messenger birds?"

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura wheezed.

Kakashi pulled a few scrolls out of his pocket and dumped them on the gasping girl. "I want every one to read that Uzu is back and that I've gone to investigate. Send them at five minute intervals."

"Yes, sensei," the girl agreed.

"If any strange ninja come, ones with spiral symbols like on Naruto's jacket, tell them you're Leaf genin and that you have an Uzumaki on your team, understood?"

"Understood, sensei," Sakura replied, the seriousness of the situation making itself felt. "What's going on, sensei?"

"Either something very, very good or very, very bad," Kakashi replied. "If I don't come back, you'll know which."

"I . . . Good luck, sensei," Sakura said firmly, feeling a bit lost. 'So this is what it's like to live as a ninja,' she mused to herself.

"Good luck, Sakura," he said with a smile. "Good luck, Sasuke."

"Good luck, sensei," the boy mumbled.

"Keep each other safe," Kakashi ordered before setting off towards the bridge.

As the jonin approached the bridge, Kakashi cursed the fact that his duty forced him to go back for his wayward student. Granted, those who abandoned their teammates were worse than trash, but there wasn't a word foul enough to describe those who caused their instructor to come to the attention of what was possibly a bored mainline Uzumaki in full creative fury. 

He arrived to find a strange red headed woman dealing with the last of Naruto's clones and turning her attention back to the boy. "Good afternoon," Kakashi said, uncovering his eye. "While he is an annoying loudmouth, he is still my cute little student and I can't permit you to harm him."

"Hmmmm?" The woman glanced up. "You say something?" 

Kakashi sighed, another dramatic moment lost. "He's my student, I'm not going to let you hurt him."

"Hurt him?" She was visibly outraged by the very notion. "An Uzumaki hurt another Uzumaki?" Outside of a lab accident, some mostly harmless experimentation, potentially lethal pranking, training, or boredom or course. "Never!"

"Then what are you doing?" Kakashi asked, recovering his eye.

"Unsealing him," she chirped.

"What!" Kakashi nearly shat himself. "You're letting the demon loose?"

"Hmmm?" She turned back to the boy and gave him another examination. "No, the other seal."

"Other seal?" Kakashi asked dumbly.

"One on his forehead," she explained, shooting the seal another look of admiration. "Be a crime to tamper with the one on his stomach." Impolite to bugger up what was clearly someone else's master work without spending at least fifteen minutes studying it first.

"I agree," Kakashi stated. And he did, but for an entirely different reason. "So . . ."

"One moment," she commanded. The woman licked her index finger and did something in the region of Naruto's forehead that produced a loud tearing sound.

"He's unsealed then?"

"That or I accidentally turned him into a mindless monster that can only sate its hunger with the flesh of the living," she agreed cheerfully. "Be interesting to see which."

"Of course," Kakashi agreed weakly. "Might I ask what happened to your village?"

"The Uzukage had a number of manga series she was reading," the woman explained, still focused on the boy she'd just unsealed.

"What does that have to do with the village disappearing?"

"Well, you know how annoying it is to get to the end of a series and have to wait a couple months till the next issue comes out?"

"Yes." Kakashi replied instantly, knowing very well the agony of waiting for the next Icha Icha to come out.

"The Uzukage decided to use her incomparable genius to find a solution," she replied.

"So she moved the village several decades forward in time?" Kakashi asked.

"Yep," she agreed. "Figured that would be long enough the build up a good store of reading material. Not to mention all the new series that had to have come out in the time they were gone."

"You're sure they're still being published after all this time?"

"The Uzukage also sent the publisher a note telling them they'd better not stop publishing it, or else."

"That would do it." Well, though Kakashi, that explains why several long running series had continued for so long, didn't it? "So you're out scouting to see how the world's changed?"

"I'm out to buy the Uzukage's manga," she corrected. "There used to be a shop around here somewhere."

"You'd have better luck on the mainland," Kakashi suggested. "Wave hasn't been doing so good since an evil businessman started putting the squeeze on it."

"What?" the woman's eyes narrowed. "Give me the name of this enemy of manga and I will see him punished."

"You already have," Kakashi replied, nodding towards the still bloody patch of ocean.

"Alright then!" she said cheerfully. "For Manga!" A backflip took her off the bridge and onto one of her sharks which then sped to the other side of the straight.

"You really are Konoha's most surprising ninja," Kakashi said to his sleeping student. "Damn it." On the plus side, this did answer more questions than it prompted. He was going to have to have a long talk with the old man if they managed to get back to Konoha.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke suffered the client's brat grandson whine about how difficult his life was and how they were all going to suffer horrible deaths for as long as anyone could expect till he lost it.

"Shut up," he ordered. "You think your life is difficult?" He sneered. "Hah! You still have your mother, your grandfather. You know nothing about loss. When I was younger than you, I came home to find my entire family butchered. All of them, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts. So you lost your father, I lost everyone. My aunt Mari had two daughters and was expecting another child, the girls were the most adorable things, sweetest children you could ever hope to meet. I found what was left of them two days after I got out of the hospital, they'd tried to hide in a closet." He clenched his teeth to keep the bile down. "And you want to know the best part? The bastard that did it was my older brother."

"I-" Inari was frozen in the other boy's gaze.

"Do you want to know what you can do? How to make it better?" Sasuke stepped closer, invading the brat's personal space. "Hate. Hate the bastards who took away your family with every fiber of your being. Use that hate to get strong, strong enough to avenge yourself, strong enough so that if you're ever fortunate enough to have family again that no one will ever be able to take them from you again!"

"Sasuke."

The boy looked up and into the horrified eyes of his pink haired teammate. "Sakura."

"I . . . They say your team is your second family," the girl stammered.

"Is this another scheme to try to get me on another date?" he growled.

"No, it's . . . If it helps, I promise not to pester you for dates except on our days off. I also promise that I'll help you get stronger and, when the time comes, to help you deal with your brother."

IIIIIIIIII

Zabuza checked and rechecked to make sure everything was packed to leave in a hurry and froze. He was on an island, meaning the only way to get off was to go across the water, meaning he risked running into . . . "Haku, change of plans, we're waiting until after the locals manage to finish the bridge."

"Haku, change of plans, we're waiting until after the locals manage to finish the bridge."

"Yes, Zabuza-sama," his apprentice agreed. "What about Gato?"

"Did he agree to add the clause to our contract stating that we would do our best to avenge him?"

"Yes, Zabuza-sama."

"Did we remember to add an Uzumaki escape clause?"

His apprentice checked the document. "In the event of Uzumaki, the contract is voided so we can escape. Line two, subsection five."

IIIIIIIIII

Sakura tensed when the door opened and relaxed when she saw that it was her instructor and wayward teammate.

"Is Naruto okay?" she asked.

"We'll find out when he wakes up," Kakashi replied. Either he'd get his student back or he'd have to decide what to do with the newly created monster wearing the boy's face. "Were there any problems while I was gone?"

"A couple of Gato's thugs showed up, but Naruto's trees took care of them," Sakura replied.

Kakashi glanced around and noticed a pile of bloody rags around one of the tree's roots. "I see."

"What happened to Naruto, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura persisted, motivated by concern for her teammate and hoping to silence her inner self who was nagging her to check on the boy.

The jonin tensed when the boy began stirring.

"What happened?" the boy moaned.

"You tell me," Kakashi said dryly.

"I was talking to this crazy chick and . . ." the boy's eyes lit up. "My head doesn't hurt."

"What?" Kakashi prompted.

"My head doesn't hurt," Naruto repeated. "Ever since I remember, I've gotten headaches and it's always felt like someone trapped a couple angry bees in the back of my head but now they're gone and it doesn't hurt."

"That's great, Naruto," Kakashi replied, having no idea of what else to say. He turned to the client. "As per our contract, I am invoking the Uzumaki clause."

"Sure, go," Tazuna agreed. "Uzu's reputation protected us from men like Gato for decades after the village disappeared. Now that they're back." He smirked. "Well, it would be unfortunate for anyone that sought to replace Gato."

Kakashi pushed his team to the breaking point on the way back stopping to rest just long enough for his two conscious genin to catch their breath and his third to draw up a partial set of designs for a device that would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his days. In a lot of ways, it brought a great sense of nostalgia and, more than anything drove home who his mother was.

They ran into a team of Anbu going the other way about half way back who scooped up his two mobile students and turned around. They made good time and were escorted into the Hokage's office early the next morning.

Sarutobi held up the stack of messages sent by Sakura and barked one word, "explain!"

AN: Not at all sure about the couple lines in which Sasuke and Sakura talk to each other. Might have to rethink it at some later date. Might also have to remember to toss in a line about how the Uzukage's grandmother had blonde hair.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Ideas by Cal

Typos by Cal, beverett24, bluebeardsgreat, zaion_indulias

Modification provided by slicerness

Omake: How to keep an Uzumaki confined

"They tried a lot of things," Ibiki replied. "Least successful was to strip them and confine them in an empty room."

"Most successful?"

"Let them keep all their equipment and toss them into a junk closet," Ibiki said. "The answer on how long you can keep an Uzumaki is; until they get bored. A closet filled with interesting things keeps their attention much longer than an empty room." He'd heard that Cloud had managed to keep an Uzumaki prisoner for six months after the Raikage had challenged her to build a giant flying machine and that was only because she kept stopping to make what everyone presumed were doomsday devices.

Omake: The Uzukage

"You're responsible for what happened to my grandson?" the Uzukage said in a low dangerous voice. "Responsible for dimming his light and robbing the world of his creations?" Every Whirlpool nin and a number of unspeakable horrors prepared themselves to do violence. "Give me one reason I shouldn't declare war on Konoha, raze its buildings, kill its ninja, and condemn its population to be test subjects at the academy!" Veins were bulging on the enraged woman's face.

"Well." Jiraiya had been a ninja for decades, had not only survived but thrived in a profession that killed or retired the majority of its practitioners by the age of thirty. "I wanted to see what would happen."

"Oh, all right then." The Uzukage blinked then smiled. "I look forward to reading your notes."

"Regrettably, I was too close to the test subject and was forced to remove myself from the area so as not to compromise the experiment. I did, however, appoint my old teacher as a stand in. Why don't I just send a messenger to him with a request to send on his observations, shall I?"

"Why don't you," she agreed. Though phrased like a suggestion, it was clearly an order and backed by the two most frightening words in the woman's vocabulary. 'Or else!'

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake: Minion

"Jiraiya!"

The pervert turned and was pleased to find that the speaker was a woman with a figure that exceeded that of his old teammate. "Yes?"

"I wanted a word with you," she continued.

"Of course," he agreed instantly. With luck, one word would lead to two and two words would lead to night of delight.

"Most of us realize just how short the lifespan of a spark that emerged as young as he did would be outside the village," the minion explained. "We're grateful for what you did, ensuring the young master lived long enough for us to meet him."

"Well, that's-" Jiraiya began, things were looking up.

"Of course," she said, interrupting him. "That's not to say we wouldn't cheerfully vivisect you on the Uzukage's orders for presuming to experiment on an Uzumaki of the main line." She smiled, revealing a face full of sharp pointed teeth. "In fact, it's only her orders that're stopping us from doing it on general principle." No one experimented on an Uzumaki except another Uzumaki, it was one of the few laws the village subscribed to.

And just like that, things were looking down.

Omake by Shinji

Why not have her start getting bored and decide to build a lab for something to do since her boyfriend had just become the fourth hokage? She then finds that she needs to camouflage her lab so she digs up the first, splices his bloodline into herself and grows the forest of death before building the lab in the center, neatly explaining the large building that is in the center of the deadly area and why the creatures haven't torn it apart since they're terrified of the lunatic inside.

"Kushina... You made the trees over nine times the size of any other trees in the coutnry," Minato stated with a twitch to his right eye. "Everyone can see them. How did this hide your new lab?"

"I'm hiding in plain sight. You always said it was the best way to get people to not notice things," the buxom redheaded women stated primly.

"This isn't what I mea..." the new Hokage started to explain only for his girlfriend to skip off into the forest humming to herself in an absurdly loud manner.

"It's not as easy as you said it would be, is it?" chuckled the wrinkled old third Hokage.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" growled the blonde man.

"Immensely," affirmed the old man.

"When I die I'm naming you as my successor just to make you take the job back!" hissed the young blond man.

"Lucky for me I'll be dead by then. Looks like I win this round," mocked the old man as he headed off to enjoy his retirement.

- After Kyuubi Attack -

"Damn you, Minato!" cried the old man.

You could even have some interesting other ideas like the "Snaketopus" and Naruto starting to learn to control plants, possibly even talking to them and teaching them to form tentacles by themselves. Anko declares him a "man amongst men" and assorted other little things to make it funnier.

Kakashi: "What's a treetopus?" 

Naruto: "That." 

Kakashi: "It's got my leg! No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

Tsunade: *pulls out a notepad and starts writing* 

Jiraiya: "Tsunade?" 

Tsunade: "Revenge porn." 

Jiraiya: *cautiously takes a step away from her* 

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by westbrandon65

"Look, Shinigami. I need a seal." The Kyuubi stared at the Death God, but also seemed to be turning to watch his back occasionally.

The Death God shook his head. "You know I can't just give those out. Inari would have my ass. What do you need one for, anyways?"

Kyuubi sighed. "The Uzukage is looking for new test subjects, and the Hachibi was her last subject. Have you heard him trying to rap now?"

Shinigami winced. "There is no way I'm getting close enough to her to put a seal on her."

"Yeah, didn't figure so. But you owe me, I'm calling in that marker from that poker game a couple centuries ago."

The Shinigami winced once more and sighed at the Nine Tailed Foxes words. "Even that isn't big enough."

"No, no. I don't want you to seal her. That'd leave the rest of the crazies after both of us. No, she's got a favorite aunt. I want you to seal me in Mito Uzumaki, make it the best you can. I want Mito to have to die to release me. I just hope to Inari that familial love is stronger than her need to find a better test subject." 

Omake by


	22. Fear and Loathing in Konoha

Disclaimer: I can see paradise by a dash board light.

Fear and Loathing in Konoha

(Mostly Fear)

Chapter two of 'Whirling Sparks' What if #21

The Uzukage, a busty redhead that looked to be in her early to mid twenties, cheered when the courier returned with a large scroll which presumably contained her manga.

"Happy to report a successful mission, grandma," the courier reported. "Also happy to report that I managed to complete standard objectives fifteen and one; destroying an enemy of manga and making contact with a lost member of the family."

"Why did you return alone then, Machi?" The Uzukage went from cheerful to serious in a heartbeat.

"My new cousin was wearing the symbol of the Leaf, our agreement with them states that we do not poach their ninja," Machi explained.

"What's my grandchild like?" the Uzukage asked.

"First of all, it's a boy," Machi said with a grin. "Cheerful, has a very interesting seal on his stomach containing number nine, had a less impressive seal on his forehead that contained his spark. Genin, twelve to fourteen years old, proficient with shadow clones, was vocal in his approval when I provided the proper chastisement to the enemy of manga."

"Good." The Uzukage smiled. "How old was he when the seal on his forehead was applied?"

"Between five and eight, grandma," Machi replied.

"I see." The woman rubbed her chin. "I want broadsides put up in every major village containing the statement; dead sexy redhead seeks pathetic virgin toad, or else."

"It will be done, grandma."

"When you're finished with that, I want you to go keep an eye on your new cousin. Be ready to step in if he starts to get carried away."

"Yes, grandma."

"Don't forget to pack your toolkit," she continued.

"I know, grandma."

"The big one, not the normal mission sized one. Don't forget, this is gonna be a long term mission."

"I won't forget, grandma."

"Or that your favorite pets won't be able to go all the way to leaf village," she persisted.

"I . . . I'd forgotten about that, grandma," Machi admitted.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto's eyes cracked open about the same time they came to a stop before the village gates and he squirmed out of Kakashi's arms.

"How do you feel, Naruto?" his instructor asked cautiously.

"Better than I can remember feeling for a long time, sensei," Naruto replied. "It's like I had a headache the whole time and I didn't notice it till it was gone cause I was used to it." The boy grinned. "Everything's really clear too."

"That's good," he said, hoping it was. The Anbu shared glances. "I want you to go straight to the hospital to get checked out while I meet with the Hokage, alright?"

"Sure, sensei," Naruto agreed.

"Sasuke, Sakura, you two go home and start writing your mission reports. Add every detail you can think of, no matter how unimportant it seems." He paused. "Keep a separate piece of paper so you can add any details you remember out of order. The important thing is to have as many as possible, if need be you can make it pretty later."

"Yes, sensei," Sakura agreed.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed.

The Anbu escorted Kakashi to the Hokage's office and took up positions outside while he was ushered in.

"Were you able to confirm Uzu's return?" the Hokage asked the second the door closed.

"I spoke to a mainline Uzumaki who stated the disappearance was caused by the Uzukage running out of manga to read," Kakashi replied.

"Confirmed," Sarutobi said with a grin. "Tell me everything that happened.

It took nearly an hour for the one eyed nin to give a sufficient amount of detail to satisfy his ultimate superior.

"Excellent work, Kakashi," the third said with a grin. "I'm having the mission upgraded to 'A' with a note that while it wasn't completed, that was through no fault of yours. I'm also adding a B-rank information retrieval mission."

"Thank you, Hokage-sama."

"You look like you have a question. Ask it," the third ordered.

"Did you have to seal him, Hokage-sama?" Kakashi asked, fighting to maintain his calm. The man was not at all happy to find out what happened to his teacher's son but figured he owed the old man a chance to explain.

"If I hadn't, it's likely he wouldn't have lived this long," Sarutobi replied. "He faced three threats as a spark: the villagers, the ninja, and himself. Maybe I could have protected him from the first two. Maybe my students could have kept a close enough eye on him to protect him from the third, maybe not." The only thing he was certain of is that it would have taken all three and he suspected that they'd have required a substantial amount of help from a medic heavy Anbu team. "At fifteen he'd have been an exceptionally young spark, at the age he is he'd have been the second youngest I've encountered, at the age he was . . ." the old man trailed off.

"I see." Kakashi pursed his lips. "It will not be necessary to seal him again?" his tone half questioning half statement.

"Not with Uzu back," Sarutobi replied firmly. Which left aside Uzu's reaction to what he'd done, all depended on the Uzukage's mood. If she was feeling reasonable, all would be well. If she wasn't, or the village was out of chocolate... "Giraffe!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"New S-rank for your team, buy as much of the best chocolate as you can and deliver it to the Uzukage with my compliments."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"Use the classified storage seals, the new encrypted ones Jiraiya developed," he added. "Give them to the Uzukage and make a note of how quickly she defeats the security. Tell her I bet fifty ryo it takes more than five minutes. Dismissed."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto was in the waiting room for less than five minutes when his attention was drawn by some of the most masterful and creative swearing he'd ever heard. Upon further investigation, he found that the source was a nurse shooting alternate glares at a strange looking table and the man trying to fix it.

"What's that thing?" Naruto asked.

The nurse glanced up at him. "It's a fluoroscope, it's used to see what's happening inside a person."

The boy leaned down to examine the open repair manual for a moment. It all seemed fairly straight forward, if uninspired. The design would be so much better if he were to; "Hmmm-mwaha ha ha awaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I've got it now!" the boy declared, eyes lit by sparks of madness and creation. "Nurse, hand me an alligator wrench, that burnt out vacuum tube at the end of the table, and a number fifteen Heterodyne adjustable."

"Yes, Doctor," she agreed automatically, taking the requested item from the maintenance man and handing it to the boy.

"Piece of wire at least five centimeters long, chewing gum, hammer, your watch, tap handle, Frearson screwdriver, and a hacksaw."

"Right away, doctor," the nurse agreed instantly.

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya was fairly sure that it was a good sign that notice had been posted requiring his presence, better than some of the other ways the Uzukage had ordered someone to attend her. He wasn't a disembodied brain in a jar of nutrient fluid for example. Still, while it would be best not to dawdle, it was probably a good idea to take it slow, so as to have as much time to think up some reasonable sounding excuses as possible.

IIIIIIIIII

Danzo was having a good day. The best he could remember for decades; Uzu was back, meaning the Leaf once again had a terror inspiring noncompetitive ally and major trading partner, the Village's Uzumaki was unsealed, and hadn't had a thing to do with the decision to seal the boy. Granted, he agreed with it, and granted he might have arranged for a few words to be whispered into the right ears at the time. But he also didn't want to have to have anything to do with having to explain that decision to the quite probably irate citizens of Uzu. They tended to be rather touchy about anyone doing anything to one of theirs that wasn't one of theirs.

IIIIIIIIII

As a device 'improved' by a member of the Uzumaki clan, the object that had once been a fluoroscope appeared to be relatively unchanged. Only an arc of lightning climbing the Jacob's ladder existed to indicate that anything had been done to it and that was done purely for the aesthetic value. It was only during use that the true nature of the boy's modifications made themselves known.

The doctor had a look of undisguised lust on his face as he turned the adjustment knob and saw layers of first clothing, then skin and muscle disappear leaving behind full color images of the insides of his now nervous nurse.

"Um . . . doctor," the nurse said, her voice on the edge of panic.

"What is it?" he demanded.

"I think you should take a look at this," she replied.

"Damn it, what now?" He broke away from the imaging screen and glanced down at the woman. In an instant his jaw dropped in shock. It appeared that whatever he did on the screen had not merely produced an image of his nurse's insides. A questioning hand reached out to stroke the woman's flank.

"Hands!" she snapped.

"It made things invisible," he said in wonder.

"Either turn the knob the other way or learn how to eat with a broken jaw," she threatened.

"Yes, of course," the doctor agreed, spinning the knob the other way and watching as first her muscles, then skin and clothing reappeared. "Remarkable."

"It is indeed, doctor," the nurse stated.

"Where's the boy who did this?" the Doctor demanded.

"He's- He was here just a minute ago."

IIIIIIIIII

To his surprise, Naruto found his old lab in the basement of his apartment building to be pretty much exactly the way he'd left it plus a couple extra pieces of equipment and minus the thick layer of dust that had once coated everything that wasn't an active work space. The south wall was comprised of a large shelf full of medical and veterinary texts with a few engineering manuals sprinkled in for flavor, the east wall was a shelf of samples preserved in formaldehyde he remembered 'liberating' from the same hidden bunker he'd found most of his equipment. Speaking of equipment, it filled the room; gurneys were pushed against the west wall which was papered with blueprints, a full operating theater sat at the center of the room surrounded by a number of ingenious devices of his own invention. The boy strolled over to the north wall and flicked on one of the large knife switches that covered every inch of that side of the room.

The air was filled with the sounds of arching electricity and the stink of ozone and disinfectant solution. "It's alive!" the boy shouted. "ALIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" It was good to be back.

Metal ground on metal as a spiral staircase corkscrewed down from the ceiling in the northwest corner of the room. It seemed he had guests. He glanced at one of the monitoring screens, make that guest.

"I . . . I c-c-came as s-s-soon as I heard y-you were back, Naruto-kun," his guest explained as she walked down the staircase.

"Hinata!" Naruto bounded over to greet the girl. "So good to see you. What brings you here?!"

"Ano, i-it was m-my turn, Naruto-kun," Hinata said shyly. The boy hadn't been able to do more than a bit of prep when the branch house had put a stop to her much desired upgrade. Inwardly, the girl grinned. The sedatives she'd laced the afternoon meal with would ensure they didn't repeat their prior performance and if they didn't work, she was confident that the laxatives would. The anonymous tip to the hospital that a mysterious and potentially highly contagious disease had infected the majority of the Hyuuga clan was probably overkill. To be fair, the Academy had always stressed the importance of being you accomplished your mission and that it was better to use two hundred times more force than needed than even a touch less.

"So it was!" Naruto agreed. "Know what you want?"

The girl gave a shy nod. "I've been th-th-thinking about it for a l-l-long time, Naruto-kun."

"Alright," the boy agreed. "You tell me about it while I get things ready.

Hinata's eyes sparkled. Master was back, now maybe she could finally get her improvements done. Life was good for the shy Hyuuga.

IIIIIIIIII

Machi stopped before the hovel her newest cousin had stayed in during his mission to Wave and began pounding on the door.

"What is it?" a voice barked as the door opened. The old man that answered's entire demeanor changed when he saw who it was. "Mistress Uzumaki, what can I do for you?"

"I'm gonna need you to babysit while I'm doing a mission on land," Machi replied. She handed the man a bag full of coins. "Now, they get one cow a week to share and two pigs each. I expect them to get their own food most of the rest of the time but I understand how hard it is to resist when they beg, so I'm willing to overlook the occasional chicken."

"Perhaps you could introduce me to them before you go?" Tazuna asked hopefully. 'Please don't be sharks, please don't be sharks, please don't be sharks,' he repeated to himself.

"Yeah," she agreed. "I wouldn't want them to get scared because they were suddenly in the care of some stranger." She grabbed the man by the shoulder and the next thing Tazuna knew he was on the edge of his half completed bridge and walking down an access stairway to a dock he didn't remember building. The Uzumaki slapped the water with one hand, causing several sharks to appear.

"They're certainly . . ." Tazuna tried to think of something to say that wouldn't get him violated in some way. "Healthy looking."

"Aren't they," Machi cooed. "Okay, this is Harry, Curly, and Moe." She indicated the first three laser sharks, giving each one an affectionate pat on the nose as she did spoke. "Sakura." She rubbed the last laser shark. "Who's on a diet so give her smaller pigs than the others. Finally, we have Princess Urotsukidōji." She giggled as the shark wrapped one of its tentacles around her wrist. "Isn't she just the sweetest thing?"

"Um . . . right, I . . . um . . . you do know that I'm unable to procure any livestock with the bridge unfinished, right?" Tazuna stated quickly, hoping to find some way to avoid having to deal with the five swimming crimes against nature.

"Give me a moment to think on this," she declared.

The next thing Tazuna knew, he was back in his house with decidedly mixed feelings about the return of the notorious Uzumaki clan.

IIIIIIIIII

Hiashi immediately noticed that the halls and corridors of the Hyuuga compound were much quieter than normal. On an average day, they'd be teaming with servants from the branch house, today they were virtually deserted.

"Hanabi!" he barked, summoning his youngest daughter and heir presumptive.

"Yes, father?" the little girl asked as she scampered to him.

"Do you know where everyone is?"

"Most of the servants are sick, father, those that aren't are tending to the ones that are," the little girl reported.

"Symptoms?"

"They collapsed and-" The child's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Started making messes in their pants."

"I see." And he did, though not quite as clearly as he would after finding out that his eldest daughter had disappeared shortly after the newly unsealed Uzumaki had returned to town. Something that would not occur for quite some time as everyone tasked to inform him of that sort of thing was currently laid out voiding their bowels.

IIIIIIIIII

Danzo noted the Hyuuga heiress nonchalantly tipping up a two ton piece of equipment with one hand so that she could dust under it with the other as he walked into the young Uzumaki's laboratory. It was always gratifying to get instant confirmation that his information was correct. For a brief instant, his bones seemed to buzz as the little Hyuuga turned her attention onto him.

"I was hoping to get an appointment for your master to look at a few things for me," he explained, causing the girl to relax a touch. "I am, of course, willing to pay."

"Naruto-kun has a waiting list. I can put you on it," the Hyuuga announced.

"Thank you," he said, trying and failing to give the girl a friendly smile. "I'll send one of my minions over later to work out the details."

IIIIIIIIII

Tazuna had just enough time to dig up a bottle for a few medicinal shots before the Uzumaki returned and dragged him back to the coastline.

"It took me a while, but I think I found a solution to our problem," Machi announced proudly.

"You built a bridge in fifteen minutes," Tazuna said dumbly. Next to his masterpiece was a small pedestrian bridge, just large enough to accommodate a single horse or cow.

"Just a temporary one for you to use until yours is finished," Machi agreed. "Now remember, one cow to share and two pigs each every week with the occasional chicken. Sakura is on a diet so she gets the smaller pigs. Okay?"

"Yes, mistress," he said automatically.

"Good, if I'm not back before the money starts to run out, just contact Uzu and they'll send more."

"Um, would you mind telling your . . . lovelies that I'm not to be eaten or violated while you're gone?" he asked hopefully.

She glanced down at the sharks. "You hear that? I don't want a repeat of the last time." The five sharks avoided her eye. "I mean it, if you eat him then there will be no one around to feed you."

"Or my daughter and grandson since they'll be helping," Tazuna added desperately.

"Right," she agreed. "It's really in your best interests not to eat him and I'll be annoyed if you eat any of the other villagers." It would completely ruin her diet plan. She turned back to Tazuna. "If they eat someone, they don't get their cow that week. Okay? No matter how much they beg, you have to be firm."

IIIIIIIIII

Sarutobi was not surprised when he read the report from the hospital, nor was he surprised when he heard that an anonymous individual (who his Anbu reported was Hinata Hyuuga) had apparently poisoned most of her clan and gotten the compound quarantined. More than anyone else in the village, the girl had resented the fact that her master had been sealed. He wasn't even surprised when he went to Naruto's favorite Ramen stand and found the boy tinkering with the stove rather than eating Ramen. What did surprise him was the dozen or so poorly disguised minions, the hats being a major clue, observing from one of the corner booths. He'd forgotten how efficient Uzu could be when properly motivated.

A concealed hand-sign instructed his security detail to stand down and another directed them to the unoccupied booth in the other corner. "Hello, Naruto."

"Hey, old man!" Naruto replied scooting out from under the stove with a grin.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, Ayame was telling me about how high the electric bills are so I figured-"

The Hokage held up a hand. "I understand, Naruto," he stated, wishing he didn't.

IIIIIIIIII

Zabuza crept towards the newly created pedestrian bridge with a sense of great foreboding, one eye on the altogether too interested sharks watching from the ocean the other on . . . he could have sworn there hadn't been eyes carved into the support columns before. One of them blinked. 'Right,' he thought to himself. 'Back to hiding and hoping like hell that the Uzumaki didn't care enough to find him.'

AN: The crossover is the webcomic 'Girl Genius' which is worth a look if you haven't read it.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Errors noticed by Arthur Hansen, mjihde

Ideas by Cal, Shalon Wood 

Omake by me

"I'm sorry I got you into this, Haku," Zabuza told his apprentice. Leading the kid to a certain death was one thing, Uzu was another.

"As always, I live to serve you, Zabuza-sama."

"Haku?" the minion said thoughtfully. "Didn't Mistress Machi's report say something bout Master Naruto having a friend in Wave named Haku?"

"That's me!" Haku screamed, seeing an opportunity to avoid becoming a test subject of whichever Uzumaki this particular group of minions served.

"Wouldn't be right to experiment on master Naruto's friend," the minion pointed out. "Only . . ."

"Yes?"

"Didn't master Naruto say his friend Haku was a boy?"

"Someone else must have found him first," the other minion replied. "Well, a quick stop at home and we can get that fixed before giving him back to master Naruto."

"I'm happy the way I am!" Haku assured the two minions. "Um, it's to better serve my master."

With thoughtful looks, the two minions looked at the sweating girl.

"Who is Naruto!" she squeaked. Convinced by Zabuza's frantic nodding that she'd given the right answer, the girl began to relax. 

"Right then," the chief minion stated. "Girl goes to Konoha and the other one goes to The Mistress."

"Um . . . master Naruto wouldn't like that," Haku said innocently, starting to understand how her captors viewed the world. "Zabuza-sama is my instructor on how to be a better ninja and the better the ninja I am the better I'm able to serve master Naruto."

"We're able to serve master Naruto," Zabuza stated. Sure, chances were that Konoha would chop his head off dissect his body to learn his secrets, and claim the bounty from his old village. But, at least it would be business with them and at least he'd be dead after the head chopping thing and before the dissection. The same could not be said for Uzu, not if even half the stories were true.

AN: The thought of them offering to 'fix' Haku by turning a she into a he was too amusing to pass up.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by Veive

"I've had a long time to think about it, and I've decided what upgrades I want master," Hinata said nervously.

"Well spit them out! I'll see how I can improve them! Bwahahaha!" Naruto cackled.

"V-very well master," Hinata said nervously.

"First I'd like to be stronger, more flexible and have greater stamina," She said as she ticked items off of her fingers.

"Child's play." Naruto sniffed.

Hinata seemed not to hear him, instead she blushed scarlet and rushed through her next few items. "T-then I'd also like to be able to hold my breath for fifteen minutes, breathe through my ears and I'd like a two foot long prehensile tongue."

"Hmm," Naruto hmmed. "Bwahahaha!"

"So you'll do it master?" Hinata asked hopefully. She'd been worried that he would be repulsed by the request.

"Do it? Of course I'll do it!" Naruto said indignantly. "Why I may even avoid giving you an insatiable hunger for the flesh of man! Now take off your clothes and fetch me that rubber ducky, it's time for SCIENCE! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"I think you already have, master," Hinata admitted to herself quietly as she began to disrobe. 

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by mjihde

"You're sure about this?" the shadowed figure asked his subordinate, fingering the report in front of him.

"Yes sir, the keys and access cards that monster is guarding could get you into, well, pretty much anywhere. Our spies even report seeing one of the spares to your own home, sir."

"What? Take a full team and kill that thing! Make sure you get all of those keys as well."

"Yes sir, Naruto Uzumaki won't know what hit him."

The shadowed figure suddenly sat up ramrod straight. "Wait! You said Uzumaki. Why did you say Uzumaki?"

"The monster is in front of his door, sir. I thought the team could get in through his window and attack from inside his apartment-"

"No. Absolutely not. This operation is called off."

"But sir-"

"No buts! My decision is final." No-way he was going to mess with an Uzumaki, especially if the reports of Uzu's return were accurate. "And put out a standing  
order to flee at once if contact with an Uzumaki is made."

"Yes sir." The lackey left, obviously not understanding the severity of the situation.

'Damnit! What on Earth possessed me to buy that publishing company and shut it down?' Memories of a rather embarrassing depiction in a manga came to mind. 'Oh yeah... I'd better hope that the Uzukage's forgotten about that series...'

He wasn't that lucky.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Omake by dunuelos

Naruto walked up to his favorite place in Konoha. Only to find it locked with a "Closed until Tomorrow" sign on the door. 

A scream of pain echoing throughout the Village Hidden in the Leaves caused all of the civilians to close their doors and windows and hide and a squad of Anbu to make their way toward Ichiraku's Ramen Stand. 

Later that day, as Naruto made his way past the Hokage tower, he saw Ayame and Teuchi stumbling out of the tower, looking as though they had been up for several days. He hoped that Ichiraku's would be open tomorrow.

***************************

As the Konoha ninja made his way toward the Whirlpool to do a recon that the civilian portion of the council had demanded the Hokage send to verify the reappearance of the Uzu island. As the random jounin made his ways along the road, he kept watching his path in apprehension. All of a sudden he came across a a shinobi wearing the Hitate of Uzu, who was furiously making notes on a scroll. The Whirlpool shinobi looked inspired and the Konoha jounin heard small cackling sounds coming from the obviously distracted Uzumaki. 

As the Leaf jounin began cautiously backing away in order to leave the fellow traveler undisturbed, he heard the most terrifying sound that he had ever heard in his career. 

"AHH! I need to test out my idea and you're perfect!" The Leaf jounin looked toward the obviously excited Uzumaki and, with terror, noted that he was looking directly toward himself. Luckily, the jounin had been given special equipment for this mission. He reached down toward his equipment pouch and carefully pulled the sealing scroll that had the kanji for Uzumaki on it. He had been told to use this in case of emergency. 

He threw the scroll toward the other shinobi and then turned and ran as fast as he could the other way, hoping he could stay ahead. 

He knew the new equipment had worked when all of a sudden he heard a shout behind him. The happy voice was heard to shout, "RAMEN!"

Beta by dogbertcarroll


	23. Journeyman

Disclaimer: I'm not wearing any pants.

Journeyman

Part two of What If #20 'MAW'

Jiraiya tried to think of a way out of the predicament he'd found himself in. Water walking was out, both because of the distance and the difficulty in finding his destination. Reverse summoning was out; while the lower rank toads were more than a bit amused by the predicament he'd found himself in, the higher rank toads... He shuddered. Best to avoid them for a little while. Which left, well...

In the months it would take to get back he was sure he'd be able to think up some good excuses and nothing helped him think more than- The man spun on his heel and went back into the brothel. Besides, worse came to worse he might not have a reason to visit his favorite places in the world ever again after Tsunade got through with him.

IIIIIIIIII

Concealed in their safe houses, the Root nin tried to think up what to do next. None of their contingency plans covered the actions they should take if their leader was called into the Hokage's office, emasculated, had his face used as his own suppository, and beaten to death with his own arm after it was ripped off. That was the problem with turning your ninja into unthinking automatons, they had trouble when things went off script. 

IIIIIIIIII

Tsunade turned two bloodshot eyes onto the door as a nervous Anbu captain poked his head in. "Out with it," she ordered.

"Intelligence reports that ten Stone, Anbu heavy, combat/assassination teams were slaughtered in one of the trading towns," the Anbu member reported nervously.

"So?"

"So there are also reports that a Leaf ninja was seen in the area and may have had something to do with it," he stammered.

"Send another messenger bird to Jiraiya and send up ten bottles of sake," she ordered.

"Um . . . Your assistant has-"

"She isn't here right now, I am," Tsunade pointed out. "So are you."

"Your sake will be up at once, Hokage-sama," the Anbu promised.

"I thought you'd see things my way."

IIIIIIIIII

At that moment, Naruto was at a crossroads. Unsure of which direction to go, the boy flipped a coin and headed left towards the distant mountains and the path less traveled.

IIIIIIIIII

The Tsuchikage was in his office, trying to work his way through a massive stack of paperwork on his desk, when his aide returned with the bad news.

"We have a preliminary report on the Fourth's son, Tsuchikage-sama," the aide reported.

"That bad?"

"Worse, Tsuchikage-sama," the man replied. "You were right."

"Let's have it."

"Defeated two of the seven swordsmen of the Mist in single combat," the aide began.

"Who?"

"Raiga Kurosaki and Zabuza Momochi along with Momochi's apprentice who apparently was the last known holder of the yuki bloodline," the aide stated. "Also defeated the current Kazekage in single combat."

"The one we think holds . . ." the Tsuchikage trailed off. "Continue."

"We also believe he faced Orochimaru in combat on at least two occasions," the aide said. "And there are rumors he faced Itachi Uchiha and emerged unscathed."

"I see." The Tsuchikage rubbed his temples. "What else?"

IIIIIIIIII

The Raikage laughed in delight as his aide went down the list of some of the boy's accomplishments.

"Hero of Wave, Hero of Snow, Hero of Birds, Savior of Hoshigakure." The aide flipped to the next page. "Savior of the princess, now Daimyo of Vegetable. Best friend of the current Kazekage, cousin of the current Hokage, son of a fourth Hokage, grandson of the last Uzukage, special relationship with the third Hokage." The Aide flipped to the next page. "Apprenticed to Jiraiya, served in a genin team under Copycat Kakashi, trained the Third Hokage's grandson." He flipped to the next page.

"That's enough for now," the Raikage said. "Put in on my desk and I'll read it later." He resisted the urge to giggle. He bet his counterpart in stone was shitting himself. "Why haven't we heard of him before?"

"Konoha has gotten better at the security game," his assistant responded dryly.

"Or they've been playing us this whole time," the Raikage mused. "See what you can find out about his early years. Ninja like him don't come out of nowhere."

"Yes, Raikage-sama!"

IIIIIIIIII

None of the Root Anbu looked up when another of their faceless number entered the room.

"I found a contingency plan that covers the current situation," the new nin announced.

There was an audible sigh of relief from each of his assembled fellows.

"What are we supposed to do?" one of them asked.

"In the event that Root suffers a decapitating strike that originates from within the village or if the village falls, we are to rally at the allied village of Whirlpool and place ourselves under the command of the current Uzukage."

The fact that the contingency plan was older than everyone present and that it had not been updated for decades mattered not a bit, they finally had something telling them what to do. No way in hell they were going to leap back into uncertainty.

IIIIIIIIII

Kimiko had been a chunin instructor at the academy when the village had fallen. She was proud of the fact that she and the others had managed to get most of the class to relative safety. She was slightly less pleased by the form that safety had taken. They'd come across a small isolated farming village far enough away from the normal trade routes that they'd have a good chance of being unnoticed. That's when things had started to go wrong.

The headman of the time had seen opportunity in the small group of refugees. In exchange for their labor, they were given just enough food to survive and a roof over their heads. It hadn't been so bad the first decade, but the locals had quickly come to look down on their guests and it had gradually escalated to the point that old skills were being dusted off in preparation for the unpleasantness they all knew was coming.

The sound of flesh striking flesh drew her attention to a fallen child and a group of overseers.

"Back to work you lazy bitch!" one of the overseers screamed. "We took you lazy bastards in out of the goodness of our hearts and this is how you repay us?!" he spat at the downed child.

The man wasn't old enough to remember the appearance of their labor class, Kimiko thought grimly, not old enough to remember what they were and what they were capable of. She was proud of the girl for taking the strike without a flinch. The council, a grandiose name for the few surviving ninja that ran their small community, wanted to wait as long as possible before they made their move. Wanted to have at least some idea of where they were going to run while they tried to supplement their meager rations with stolen oats to regain some of their strength.

"Get your hands off her!" another voice joined the fray causing Kimiko to groan in frustration. She should have known one of the hot heads wouldn't be able to control himself. She'd make sure they knew just how displeased she was after they finished their grim business.

Kimiko's eyes sought out the new figure and she felt a brief moment of confusion when she didn't recognize the boy. That confusion was replaced by shock and wonder when she did recognize the symbol on the back of the boy's jacket.

IIIIIIIIII

The overseer turned a lazy eye onto the newcomer. It happened sometimes, outsiders would arrive that didn't know their place or how the world worked. He grinned. He had four men while the boy was alone. This wouldn't take long.

"Who're you?" he snorted.

"Naruto Uzumaki!" he yelled proudly. "And I'm not gonna let you lay a finger on her or any of them while I'm around to stop it."

"Get him!"

What happened next couldn't be called a fight. Four untrained civilians against a trained ninja or to put it another way, fists that could shatter stone against flesh grown soft through decades of sloth. It was a wonder that any of Naruto's opponents survived.

The boy stepped over one of the groaning survivors and created a hundred clones. "Make sure no one else is getting picked on," he ordered. "Then help them with their work."

"You got it, boss," the spokesclone agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Tears were flowing down Kimiko face as she watched the boy move. The Uzumaki hadn't forgotten them, it had been decades since the fall of their village but the Uzumaki had remembered. The woman was ashamed of herself for losing hope, ashamed she could ever think they'd been forgotten.

Slowly, hesitantly she approached the source of her new found hope. He was stooped by the fallen girl, inspecting the bruise on her cheek.

"I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner," the boy said to the young girl.

"You got here now," Kimiko said firmly, announcing herself. "That's all that matters."

"I guess," Naruto said absently. He pulled the girl to her feet. "Doesn't mean I don't still wish I could have got here sooner."

"To be a ninja is to live a life of regret," Kimiko said sadly. To be kept awake at night with what ifs, to sometimes curse the fact that you survived while others did not. A sudden thought occurred. "May . . . May I ask about your parents?" Perhaps the Uzumaki had forgotten, perhaps the hero in front of her was the only one who'd remembered the old ways and the old promises.

"Dead," Naruto said.

"Of course, forgive my impertinence, Uzumaki-sama," Kimiko said, filled with sudden shame.

"It happened a long time ago, I was just a baby so I don't even remember them. And call me Naruto," he replied. The boy turned his attention to one of his returning clones.

"Sixty more bullies dealt with," the clone reported.

"What about everything else," Naruto asked.

"The rice has been harvested, processed, and prepared for transport," the clone said.

"Good work," Naruto said. He turned back to the woman. "There anything else I can help with?"

"Not at this time, Uzumaki-sama," Kimiko reported, eyes shining.

"Okay." The boy dispelled his clones and began walking away.

"You're going?" she said, feeling like a lost child.

"Can't stay in one place when there are still people that need help," Naruto replied with a grin.

"Of course, forgive me, Uzumaki-sama," Kimiko said, feeling ashamed. He was an Uzumaki, he wouldn't rest until all his people were safe and on their way back home. "We will see you in the village." She turned back to the girl. "Get everyone together. Secure the food and go to the gathering place."

"Yes, Kimiko!" the girl agreed, for the first time sounding like a proud genin of the whirlpool. "Who was he?"

"An Uzumaki of the main house," Kimiko replied. "And, I suspect, the next Uzukage."

The girl's eyes fixed on the back of her retreating hero. To have the pleasure of living in a time when legends walked the earth, she must have been born under a lucky star.

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya summoned a toad to see if his apprentice had left any messages and was more than a bit annoyed to find out that the boy had not.

"Tell him that I expect him to check at least once every two days with an update on how he's doing," the old man instructed the toad. "And that I expect him to have mastered at least half the techniques in my pack by the time I get back."

"When will that be?" the toad demanded.

"When . . . When I've completed the top secret work I'm doing," Jiraiya replied weakly. Sweat trickled down his brow as he hoped with all his might that the toad bought his excuse.

IIIIIIIIII

Ignorant of what he'd just left behind, Naruto continued up the mountain path intent on finding a good place to camp before dark. Or, better yet, find a place where he could get a warm bed and a hot bowl of ramen.

IIIIIIIIII

To Kimiko's dismay, not everyone was as enthused as she was when she reported the day's events to the rest of the council.

"Feh," Suzume, a former jonin spat. "They throw us away and expect us to come crawling back when they have a use for us again. I say we ignore his offer."

"Uzumaki-sama told me he was deeply ashamed of the fact that he did not get here to lend his aid sooner," Kimiko reported hotly, glaring at the older woman. "Uzumaki-sama also let slip that his parents had been dead for quite some time and that he came as soon as he could."

"You say he was wearing the symbol of the leaf?" Toshi, one of her fellow former chunin instructors asked.

"Allies who abandoned us when we needed them most," Suzume growled.

"Allies who had problems of their own," Yuki, another former jonin said mildly.

"Who did we have in the leaf when the village fell?" Toshi mused. "The boy had to come from somewhere."

Suzume opened her mouth, ready to throw insults at the Uzumaki who'd hidden with an ally when their village had fallen when her entire demeanor changed. "Kushina-sama!" she sobbed.

"Just an academy student when we fell," Toshi said gently. "Cut down in her prime before she could find us, a duty which has now fallen to her son."

"I don't believe we can blame the boy for the time it took to get to us," Yuki said, stroking his beard. "If anything, I'd have felt better if he'd have waited before revealing himself. There are still a number of very dangerous people in the world who remember what the Uzumaki are capable of, people who would like nothing better than to extinguish the line while the heir is still weak."

"Guilt," Suzume laughed, tears rolling down her face. "His mother fell before she could gather us. He's an Uzumaki, he'll do his duty to us regardless of the risk, regardless of the fact that he may be walking to his death. He'll do his duty." She stared down at her hands, hating how weak she'd gotten. The Uzumaki would do his duty to her and she promised herself that she'd do her's to him, regardless of what it might cost. "I vote we accept Uzumaki-sama's offer."

"Seconded," Kimiko said quickly.

"Objections?" Yuki asked, glancing around the room. "I suppose the motion passes. On to the next matter, what do we do with our former employers?"

"Of the ones that faced Uzumaki-sama, there were twenty five survivors," Toshi reported, some of them might even survive the winter. "He did not touch the remainder of the village."

"Leaving their fate in our hands," Yuki mused.

"We were the ones they wronged, it's only right they face our justice," Suzume stated firmly. "Uzumaki-sama understands that."

"They weren't all bad," Kimiko offered. "Maybe a third were bad, a third were sympathetic, and a third didn't care."

"Talk to the good ones," Yuki decided. "Ask them if they'd like a place with us."

"And the rest?"

"Leave enough food so they won't starve this winter," Yuki replied. "We owe them that much."

"We owe them nothing!" Suzume said hotly.

"Uzumaki-sama left them alive," Kimiko said softly. "You . . . Even with his desire to leave their fate in our hands it was easy to tell how much he wanted to punish them but he didn't. Uzumaki-sama was merciful, I say we follow his example."

"Fine," Suzume agreed.

"It's decided," Yuki finished. "How are our preparations to leave?"

"Quite well thanks to Uzumaki-sama," Toshi replied. "The harvest is in and packed for transport."

IIIIIIIIII

The Root Anbu stared at the ruins of what had once been the Leaf's greatest allies. The nin milled about, filled with uncertainty on what to do until-

"I found something," one of the Root nin said proudly. Time and isolation beginning to loosen the bonds on her emotions. "In the even the village is damaged by hostile forces; if available and it does not effect the normal performance of your duties, you are to masquerade as civilians and join the reconstruction effort."

IIIIIIIIII

They picked up rumors of a Leaf nin traveling alone and dropped their mission to start tracking him, two more teams joined them within twenty four hours. Standing orders were to eliminate any leaf nin they came across, especially lone leaf nin, especially the nin they were after if their tentative identification was correct.

The Otokage would be pleased when they turned over the boy's head, perhaps even pleased enough to gift his seal to the few of their number that didn't already posses it. A third team joined them on the second day and a fourth on the third all they had to do now was catch up. 

IIIIIIIIII

Michiko woke up, glanced over at the smoke that indicated her Stone counterparts on the next mountain, and forced herself to get out of her sleeping bag to take her shift on watch. She was part of a team assigned to monitor a strategically important, but little used mountain pass. It was cold, miserable, boring duty that she'd be happy to be finished with when her team rotated out in another two weeks.

Michiko grabbed a ration bar and went to join her teammate. "Anything interesting?"

"Oddly enough, yes," her teammate replied, not taking the binoculars off his eyes. "Got a lone nin, village unknown, being tracked by a large number of probable unfriendlies."

She pulled out her binoculars and settled into to watch. "Doesn't look like either side is from Cloud."

"None of our business," her colleague agreed.

"Wait, didn't we have an observe and report for nin dressed in orange?"

"Not like it'll matter in five minutes," her colleague replied. "Sound!"

"What?"

"Five ryo that the big group is from Sound."

"Why?"

"Well?"

"No bet," Michiko said firmly. "Why do you think they're from sound?"

"I can hear their target." Very faintly and not well enough to get much detail. "Only reason for that is if they're amplifying him for easier tracking. Only nin I know of who know how to do something like that is-" 

"Sound," she agreed. "Good work."

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto fought off sneezed after the cold mountain air went straight through his thin jacket. Going through the pass for no reason but to see what was on the other side of the mountain range had, in hindsight, not been one of his better ideas. Well, on the plus side, there were supposed to be some great hot springs after the next pass. The cold was nothing to a ninja of his caliber. The boy lost his battle and sneezed loudly. A distant rumbling caused him to look over his shoulder to find the source. On the other hand 'who needs hot springs?' he thought nervously as he watched a mountain's worth of snow bury the path he'd just been on. Better to skip the next pass and get to low, safe, ground as soon as possible.

IIIIIIIIII

The now wide awake observation teams stared in awe at the blond Leaf nin they'd watched trap and annihilate several teams of Sound ninja. This was something very different from what they'd thought it was, something their Kage needed to know about as soon as possible.

Both teams held their breath as the mysterious blond nin approached a fork in the road and, without pause took the left road. One team jotted off a quick report, opened up one of their few remaining bottles of shochu, and started celebrating. The other team sent off every messenger bird they had left and followed after, hoping the nin below decided to allow them to go home.

IIIIIIIIII

The Tsuchikage glanced up when his Anbu commander burst into his office. This had better be good or he'd have to find a new Anbu commander, as the old one would have died of terminal stupidity. 

"Report on the Uzumaki," the man said breathlessly.

"Proceed," the Tsuchikage ordered.

"Was in a village within ten miles of one of our quick reaction teams and didn't seek them out."

"Good news," the Tsuchikage said with a relieved grin. Evidence the Uzumaki was willing to let bygones be bygones anyway. "Anything else?"

"Observation team on pass two two nine five reports witnessing him wipe out between six and eight Sound heavy combat teams."

"How'd he do it?"

"Used their own jutsu against them, Tsuchikage-sama. Details are in the report."

"Right, I . . . wait, pass two two nine?" the Tsuchikage's eyes went wide. "Which way did he go?"

IIIIIIIIII

He walked into his Kage's office and cleared his throat. His superior didn't often turn his ire on the bearers of bad news. Unfortunately, didn't often and never were two different things.

"Let's have it," the Raikage ordered.

"The Uzumaki's latest projected route, Raikage-sama," his aide said, handing over a map.

"He's coming this way?" the Raikage blurted. No one liked to be told that potentially unfriendly S-class nin were entering their territory.

"That's what the last information regarding his movements indicated, Raikage-sama," the aide agreed.

"Damn it." A sudden thought occurred to the man. "How many Stone ninja has he dealt with to date?"

"We're not sure, Raikage-sama," his aide replied. "Several Anbu teams at the very least."

"Do we know who the aggressor was?"

"We believe it was Stone," his aide said slowly.

"You believe?"

"It's hard to pin things down when dealing with a ninja of his level, Raikage-sama," his aide cautioned. "But our sources indicate that he just made himself known and then defended himself against the unavoidable attacks. We do know that he ignored the Stone observation post on pass two two nine five."

"That's something I guess," the Raikage sighed. "We'll just have to hope he isn't settling his father's old scores."

"Raikage-sama?"

"We tried to kidnap his mother for our bloodline program, not one of our better ideas," the Raikage said dully. How many ninja would he lose before they were able to bring the boy down? He snorted, how many ninja would the lose in the war the boy's death would provoke?

"I . . . Raikage-sama I . . ." The aide looked like he was about to vomit. "We have another piece of information you need to be aware of."

"That bad, huh?"

"I didn't realize the significance when I saw it earlier, I have no excuses for my lapse, Raikage-sama," the aide stammered.

"We all make mistakes, being able to own up to yours is one of the reasons you're trusted to be my aide. Out with it."

"We have a report that the Hyuuga heiress is romantically involved with the Uzumaki," the aide reported.

"The same heiress we tried to kidnap?" the Raikage asked sickly.

"I am afraid so, Raikage-sama," the aide agreed.

"Anything else?"

"Good news, I hope, Raikage-sama," his aide replied. "The Uzumaki also ignored our observation post. One of the nin had a summons that allowed them to get back almost as fast as the messenger birds, faster if you take into account the time spent decrypting the messages."

"And?"

"And they've given him a nickname; the Orange Avalanche because of the way he disposed of a number of Sound nin. It's all in the report, Raikage-sama."

AN:

Polish by dogbertcarroll

Ideas by ausfinbar

Title by ausfinbar


	24. The Golden Trio

Disclaimer: كس اختك

The Golden Trio

Kakashi shook his head in disgust. Judging by what he'd seen, the three brats he'd gotten that year had no chance of passing the normal genin test, let alone his. Forget teamwork, none of them seemed to be willing to tolerate being near the others.

"Show up tomorrow if you want to waste your time and go through a bit of unnecessary pain," the jonin said, sounding as bored as he felt disappointed. "I don't care either way." His message delivered, the man disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

The three newly minted genin sat on the roof glaring at each other till they were sure their possible instructor was gone.

"Hn?" Sasuke glanced at Sakura.

"Sharingan Kakashi, the Copy Cat of Konoha. Renown for copying over a thousand techniques, laziness, tardiness, and failing genin teams assigned to him," the girl recited.

"Hn," Sasuke sighed.

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. "Much easier to skip his stupid test and deal with things ourselves." The boy gave his teammates a foxy grin. "Which is why I took the opportunity to take this out of his pocket." He held up the man's seal. "Also his wallet if you guys want to get something to eat later."

"Hn." Sasuke nodded.

"Yeah, good work, Naruto," Sakura complimented the boy. "Give me a minute, Sasuke, I should have a handwriting sample for him you can work off of." She pulled out a scroll and unsealed a large file.

"Hn." Sasuke shrugged.

"That presumes we can find a sample in a low security area soon enough," Sakura said absently. "Here we are. Only six months old too."

"Hn," Sasuke said triumphantly as he took the document.

"Whadda ya say we also assign him a long term mission?" Naruto suggested. "The whole thousand techniques sounds pretty cool, the rest of it doesn't."

"Hn?" Sasuke added.

"Depends on how much he has in his account," Sakura replied. "Though if we get him assigned to a high enough level mission, I suppose it doesn't matter. We get him an A-rank and we can hire any number of nin to teach us at B-rank pay."

"Hn," the boy said in a tone of deep satisfaction. 

"Already?" Sakura exclaimed. She looked over the boy's shoulder. "As always, Sasuke, you do nice work."

"Hn." The boy blushed faintly, quite proud of his ability at forgery. "Hn?"

"Sure, give it here," Naruto asked, creating a clone. "I'll be sure it goes where it has to."

"Hn."

"We're a team," Naruto shrugged. The boy created another clone.

Sasuke turned to Sakura. "Hn?"

"Several," Sakura admitted. "Never hurts to plan ahead."

"Who?" Naruto prompted.

"Possibility one, Anko Mitarashi; special jonin, apprentice to the traitor Orochimaru, Anbu specializing in assassinations and torture." She handed a copy of the woman's file to each of the boys. "Possibility two, Ebisu; kind of a dick, expert in the basic three jutsu, master of basic skills, private tutor to the Hokage's grandson." She reached for the file and froze when she saw Naruto shaking his head. "Yes?"

"Not kind of a dick, a giant dick. Perverted and pathetic too," Naruto stated.

"Hn," Sasuke said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, would be useful to have him around to help us refine the basics, but it's not worth having to deal with the bastard," Naruto stated. "Calling him a giant perverted pathetic dick was a giant understatement."

"Alright," Sakura accepted, resealing the man's file. "Tsunade the Sage is number three, would be number one if she were still in the village. Her teammate Jiraiya is number four, would also have been tied for number one if he were still in the village or easier to find. Runs Konoha's intelligence network." Which was why she dearly wished to study his methods. "Also supposed to be a pretty good pickpocket, author, sealing master, and artist."

"Hn," Sasuke said thoughtfully, looking intrigued.

"Yeah, he would be," Sakura agreed. "That's why I really wish we could find him."

"Why don't we just skip going through them all and hear your recommendation?" Naruto asked. "We'll try to think of ways to get him after we get some of the basics down with someone else."

"Hn," Sasuke gave his opinion on the matter.

"Thanks to that long term mission our beloved instructor was kind enough to take and the fact that I assume he was thoughtful enough to leave his bank book behind a lock you could pick, we're flush for cash. I recommend we don't focus on any one teacher."

"Hn."

"Yeah," Naruto agreed. "Better not spread ourselves too thin."

"One at a time then," Sakura amended. "I'd say Anko first if she didn't have a reputation for being a sadistic snake bitch and we didn't need more work on the basics."

"Hn," Sasuke said in disgust.

"There's always revenge," Naruto suggested. "Or, better yet, we don't take revenge."

"Hn?" Sasuke gave Naruto an odd look.

"They were paid to teach us, they didn't, so it's only right they forfeit their pay to let us hire competent instructors," Naruto replied. "When you look at it that way, it's not revenge, it's justice."

"Hn," Sasuke said thoughtfully.

"I always wanted to be an ally of justice when I was a kid too," Sakura agreed with a wide grin. "Then we get revenge."

"Not revenge, justice," Naruto corrected. "We bring them to justice." 

"Hn?" Sasuke asked.

"Pretty sure fire is a tool of justice," Sakura replied. "What do you think, Naruto?"

"The world isn't just if it isn't," the boy said carelessly. "We drain their bank accounts, go to their houses, steal everything that isn't nailed down, and burn everything we don't steal. Justice demands it."

"HN!" Sasuke shouted, raising a fist in the air.

"FOR JUSTICE!" Sakura agreed, copying her teammate's gesture.

"FOR JUSTICE!" Naruto screamed. "AND RAMEN! . . . you guys suck."

"Hn," Sasuke sighed.

"For ramen," Sakura mumbled. "Let's go. Sooner we get our food, the sooner I can find a teacher to help us with the basics that isn't a giant perverted pathetic dick."

"Hn."

"I found this place I think you'll both like," Naruto said as they walked down the stairs. "The owner pays a higher percentage of the value than any of the other fences in Konoha."

"Hn?"

"Of course we go in disguise," Naruto replied. "He's a criminal, never a good idea to trust them."

"Uh . . . you know that most of the things we do could be considered criminal acts don't you, Naruto?" Sakura asked.

"Just cause we commit crimes doesn't make us criminals," Naruto snorted. "Everyone knows that."

"Hn."

"Course you did, you just didn't know you did," Naruto said firmly.

IIIIIIIIII

Kakashi was rudely awaken just after five the next morning by a loud pounding on his front door. In annoyance, he stumbled to the door and threw it open. "What?!"

"Mission, A-rank, long term," the Anbu at the door replied. "Classified and off the books. Only copy of the mission scroll is the one in my hands. Burn it after you read it and forget it when the mission is complete."

"Roger," Kakashi said, turning professional in an instant. "Am I wearing a mask on this one?"

"I don't know. Everything you need to know is supposed to be in the scroll, good luck."

Kakashi read the scroll, burned it, gathered his equipment and was exiting the village around the same time the sun came up. The team of genin he was supposed to fail hadn't even entered his mind, he had more important things to do than crush a trio of worthless brats.

IIIIIIIIII

Naruto collected three wallets and a couple other odd bits of interest on his way to meet with his two teammates the next morning. One of his clones had confirmed their official instructor's departure earlier that morning. Another had confirmed that the three of them were officially listed as passing their test and being assigned to the man. Sometimes, things just went the way they should and there was nothing to do but sit back and enjoy the ride knowing that Murphy would be back at some future date.

"Hn!" Sasuke yelled, getting the other boy's attention.

"Hey, Sasuke, where's Sakura?"

"Hn," Sasuke replied.

"That's good. Never would have thought about hiring a Chunin."

"Hn." Sasuke shrugged. "Hn."

"True," Naruto agreed. "She say when she'd be back?"

"Hn." Sasuke gave a condescending smirk.

"You're right," Naruto chuckled. "What's say we find a place to get breakfast while I send out a couple clones to track her down?"

"Hn."

"Only in an ideal world," Naruto retorted.

"Hn," the other boy suggested.

"Seems a bit heavy for breakfast, but you're right, we are celebrating our first day as an official team. ShabuShabu it is." 

"Hn!" Sasuke posed with his thumb up in a disturbing mimicry of Gai.

"You're a sick man, Sasuke," Naruto laughed. "Just be glad we're out of the academy or you'd be doing lines for a week."

"Hn." He shrugged.

"Yeah, humorless bastards, all of them," Naruto agreed. "Found Sakura, she's on her way."

"Hn."

"Really? I was thinking the place by the river."

"Hn."

"Ah, okay, let's go."

Sakura was waiting with a table when they arrived, just as the burner was being lit for their meal. "The owner was kind enough to give us free meals once a week for life as thanks for the brave jobs ninja do to protect the village," she announced.

"Hn," Sasuke snorted.

"Well, there may have also been something in there about thanks for me not telling his wife about the fact that he's sleeping with one of the waitresses," Sakura admitted.

"You're the best, Sakura-chan!" Naruto said with a wide grin as he flopped into his seat. "You say you've got us a chunin?"

"Cheaper than a jonin and sufficient for our immediate needs," the girl agreed. "Number one choice is a branch house Hyuuga to help us work on chakra control." 

"Hn?"

"Number two is Kiba's sister to help with hand to hand and because we can make snide comments to him about how hot she is," Sakura replied, giving a nod of thanks when the waitress delivered their tea.

The three genin went silent until the woman was gone. "Number three is someone to help us with our jutsu, right?"

"Bingo." The girl took a sip of her tea. "If you two are up to it, we can hire the first two now and number three when we've improved our chakra control to the point it's worth focusing on jutsu again."

"Hn?"

"Seals will have to wait till we get a jonin, none of the chunin I could find do more than storage and explosive."

"Still useful," Naruto pointed out.

"Also in wide enough use that we don't need to find a specialist. All three of my top choices know how to do them," Sakura stated.

"Hn."

"Right," Naruto agreed. "Can't get a step ahead of you even with both of us working together."

"When do you two want to start?" Sakura asked, checking the ShabuShabu to see if it was ready to start adding meat.

"Hn?"

"Nah, we're gonna be busy with that thing," Naruto stated.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed. "Hn?"

"Works for me," Sakura said.

"Me too," Naruto said.

"Hn."

"Yep, two days from now."

IIIIIIIIII

Lot behind the academy, two years earlier:

Sakura did her best to keep calm. Her heart was racing, her palms were sweating, her mouth was dry, but she'd done it. She'd gotten the two most difficult boys in class to meet with her in private and it had only taken a little bit of blackmail to arrange it.

"Hn." Sasuke gave the girl a look of deep suspicion.

"Why does this file have so much stuff about me?!" Naruto demanded. "How did you even figure out this stuff?"

"I'm very good at gathering information and figuring out what it means," Sakura replied. "I'm also very, very smart."

"What do you want?" Naruto growled.

"We can all be useful to each other. That's what I want," the girl stated.

"What happens if we say no?" Naruto asked hotly.

"I deal with the disappointment and look for other useful people to join up with," Sakura replied. Assuming she could find any. If they did exist they were better at hiding than she was at finding. 

AN: Planning to write this with present day stuff at the beginning and flashbacks at the end. Also not sure it'll get more than one more chapter any time soon. Well just isn't flowing for this one at the moment.

Beta by dogbertcarroll


	25. The Rise of Prince PuffyTail

Disclaimer: Rastsvetali yabloni i grushi, Paplyli tumany nad rekoy. Vykhodila na bereg Katyusha, Na vysokii bereg na krutoy.

The Rise of Prince PuffyTail

Part 03 of 'Whirling Sparks' - What If chapters 21 and 22

Hinata had finished dusting and vermin extermination when her master bounced back into the laboratory.

"I'm back!" Naruto announced.

"W-welcome b-back, Naruto-kun," Hinata said with a faint blush. "S-s-someone came to s-set up an appointment w-with you."

"Did you tell them they had to wait in line?"

"Y-y-y-yes, Naruto-kun," the girl agreed. "Before we start on the others, c-could you do another p-project for me?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure!" Naruto agreed. "Anything for you, Hinata."

It took several seconds for the girl to regain control of herself and several more to explain what she wanted, all the while her brain was running several dozen simultaneous simulations on positive outcomes of what she would like to request, but didn't have the nerve to, yet. Thankfully the new modifications to her brain and circulatory system kept her both upright and conscious.

To say that Naruto was pleased by the girl's initiative would be a gross understatement.

IIIIIIIIII

Machi ambled into town wearing the least convincing disguise the gate guards had ever seen. She was dressed in what passed for standard whirlpool ninja attire which consisted of normal ninja attire coupled with a white lab coat, tool belt, goggles, and forehead protector used as a belt buckle. But with the addition of a bowler hat, which the minions assured her was the height of fashion, and an enormous fake looking black handlebar mustache.

Luckily, the guards had been briefed and had dug into the handbook to read over the sections dealing with Uzu and Uzumaki.

"Name?" the left guard asked, trying to sound bored.

"Machi Uzumaki!" she replied loudly. "Wait, I'm supposed to be incognito until I've had a chance to speak with the minions. Hmmm . . . is it too late to change my answer?"

"We can start over from the top if you like," the right guard offered.

"Great!"

They stared at each other for a few moments. "Name?" the left guard sighed.

"Machi . . . I can't think of something convincing," she confessed. "I've never done any of this covert stuff before." It tended to be left to minions she'd specifically modified for that purpose.

"You could use your favorite animal or a place name," the right guard said helpfully.

"Right, Machi Shokushu," she said confidently.

"Purpose of visit?" the left guard continued.

"To spy on my cousin for a bit, then leech off him after I get bored of doing that," she replied. "The first part's a secret so don't write it down."

"Right," the right guard agreed. "Just remember, no experimentation without first getting either permission from the Hokage, a higher up in their clan, or your test subject."

"Of course not," she agreed, scandalized by the very notion that she'd experiment on someone without asking... unless she was bored, or it was an emergency, or to get one up on someone, or as a joke, to get even, or because it was Tuesday, or because it was some other day of the week... "I'd never do that."

"Right." The guard handed over two entry passes. "The first one is issued to Machi Shokushu who is specifically listed as a common ordinary civilian and not any sort of ninja or Uzumaki." He'd used those exact words. "The second is to Machi Uzumaki, ninja of Uzu for when you get bored of using the first one."

"Thanks!" she cheered. "Can I go in now?"

"Yes," the guard agreed, and god have mercy on their souls.

She took a couple steps in and took a deep breath. "MINIONS!"

"Yes, Mistress Machi!" A group of normal looking civilians plus cool hats and sometimes extra appendages appeared.

"Report!" she barked.

A short man in an apron with two large bolts protruding from the sides of his neck and six fingers on each hand stepped forward. "Um . . . in front of them, Misthress Machi?" the chief minion asked, nodding towards the two listening gate guards.

"They know how to keep a secret," Machi said confidently. "Don't you?" The two gate guards frantically nodded.

"Yety, Misthress Machi," the chief minion agreed. His was not to reason why, his was but to do what he was told.

As she listened, Machi's ever present grin got wider and toothier as the sparks of madness lit her eyes with a creative glow. It seemed her little cousin was a chip of the old block. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" her laugh echoed through the streets of Konoha, causing several of the residents old enough to have heard tales of the Uzumaki to lock their doors and several more who'd had close personal experience to not bother, as it wouldn't do any good anyway. Her laugh confirmed the rumors that the Uzumaki were back. Whether or not that was a good thing was a matter of much debate.

IIIIIIIIII

Hinata snuck back onto the sprawling Hyuuga compound and immediately set about her task of 'liberating' her sealed relatives.

"I'm sorry I had to put things in your food, cousin Michiko," she whispered to the unconscious branch member. The girl pulled out a large syringe and prepared to stab it into the seal on the woman's forehead. "But you have to understand that I had to do it for Naruto-kun."

"What'cha doin?" Machi demanded, appearing next to the now startled girl. The Uzumaki took a moment to examine the syringe in the little Hyuuga's hands and then the shivering branch member on the ground.

"Naruto-kun will treat them much better than the main house ever did," Hinata insisted. "I won't let you stop me."

"Stop you?" Machi was confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Ano . . . so you don't have a problem with the fact that I'm stealing the branch house away from the main house to be Naruto-kun's minions?" Hinata asked cautiously.

"No, still not seeing why I would," Machi confirmed, a look of profound confusion on her face. It's not like the Hyuuga main house was family or anything.

"It's just . . . It seems to be the sort of thing people tell me not to do," Hinata confessed. It didn't make sense to the girl why anyone would have a problem with being forcibly recruited to serve the greater glory of Naruto, but it was something the academy instructors had been quite firm about. "Would you like to help?" she asked shyly, glad she'd finally found another kunoichi in the world with some sense. Maybe they could be friends? 

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya stopped at the edge of what had once been, and he supposed was again, Uzu's territory and settled down. If his luck was good, a group of minions would come by to investigate. If his luck was bad, they'd have an Uzumaki with them. If his luck was great, he'd be able to tell the Uzumaki that he had business with the Uzukage before they decided to do something irreversible.

IIIIIIIIII

Hinata returned to her master's lab and took a position two steps away from his operating table. She didn't have to wait long before the boy looked up from his work.

"Ah, you're back, Hinata," Naruto said with a wide toothy grin. "How did things go?

"V-very w-w-well, Naruto-kun," Hinata replied, automatically filling his hand with the instrument he wanted. "Th-the branch house is y-y-yours to command."

"Great." He handed back the tool and she replaced it with another. "You take care of that for me, okay, Hinata?"

"Y-yes, Naruto-kun," Hinata agreed, blushing a beet red.

"Finished," Naruto announced. "Wake him up, Hinata."

"W-w-waking him up, Naruto-kun," the girl agreed.

Danzo was pleasantly surprised to find that the first thing he saw upon regaining consciousness was the smiling face of the Uzumaki's pet Hyuuga. Much more pleasant than the inside of a stasis jar or any one of a number of possibilities the Uzumaki presented. He glanced down at his arm and his nose wrinkled in confusion. "Is there some reason you turned them blue?" Danzo asked, looking down at the blinking eyes imbedded in his arm.

"I asked him to." The man was inordinately proud of himself for not reacting when the face on his shoulder spoke up. "Red isn't really our color."

"I see." Danzo regarded the face. "And blue is?"

"Yes. You should also do something about those unfashionable bandages." The face paused. "If you must keep them, how about something in silk? We'll have to see what designs and colors fit our new look. Oh, it will be so much fun!"

"We'll discuss it in detail later," he promised the face. Blue eyes and time with an Uzumaki meant he no longer had to conceal anything, not with the perfect alibi he'd just been given.

"You said you were going to pay Naruto-kun," the little Hyuuga said calmly and with a barely detected hint of menace. Just enough to let the man know that if he tried to cheat HER Naruto-kun, that she would start by forcing him to eat his own testicles without even the courtesy of detaching them first and get progressively nastier.

"My men have been moving more lab equipment into the building across the street which now belongs to you," Danzo stated, trying and failing to convince himself that he absolutely wasn't afraid of the little Hyuuga. "I also included a full machine shop on the first floor and a small library on the second."

"Across the street?" Naruto mumbled. "Do you know what this means?!"

"Th-that you have a n-new building to m-m-modify, Naruto-kun?" Hinata suggested shyly.

"That too," he said absently. "That-"

"I finally have a chance to do a field test on Mister Tunnel Bunny Tunneler Mk 5!" Machi cheered.

The appearance of a second Uzumaki convinced Danzo that he had business on the other side of the village. "I'll be in touch when I have other modifications I need made," he called over his shoulder as he fled.

"You!" Naruto shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the woman.

"ME!" she agreed, hands on her hips. "Uzu's number four greatest genius and number two most beautiful, Machi Uzumaki! OHOHOHO! I have been sent by grandma to keep an eye on you in secret!" 

"Grandma?" Naruto asked.

"The Uzukage," Machi explained in a normal voice. "Where was I?"

"You were sent by grandma to keep an eye on me in secret," Naruto replied.

"Right. Ahem, and keep an eye on you I shall! Introducing . . ." She reached into her pocket. "My newest and fifth greatest invention! The cousin watcher Mk 1!" Her hand opened to reveal a fist sized eyeball with a propeller protruding from the top of it. "FLY! FLY COUSIN WATCHER MK 1!" she commanded. "BWHAHAHAHAHA!" The little propeller began to spin and the eye took up a position three feet behind and two feet above Naruto. "I am such a genius!"

The device worked for about fifteen seconds before the propeller froze and the eye began spinning. The explosion that occurred widened the grins on the two Uzumaki's faces as did Hinata's shy offer to keep an eye on Naruto for Machi. Though for different reasons on the second. Naruto was happy that his chief minioness was getting along with his newly returned family, Machi was happy for decidedly less innocent and decidedly more perverted reasons as she handed Hinata a video camera that had special effects filters to remove annoying little things like red eyes, lens flare, and clothing from the shot.

"Minions!" she screamed.

A dozen men wearing large hats appeared out of a dozen spaces, most of them much to small to fit even a mouse. "Yeth, Mithtrethh Machi?" the lead minion, a hunchback, replied.

"Go back home and get my Mister Tunnel Bunny Tunneler Mk 5," she ordered.

"It thall be done, Mithtrethh Machi," the minion agreed.

"And stop by wave to make sure my babies aren't lonely without me," Machi added.

"Be sure my friends are okay while you're there," Naruto said. "Oh, and make sure Tsunami is following my instructions to take care of the garden I made around her house."

"Yeth, Mathter Naruto," the minion agreed. "May we have the nameths of your friendths at Wave?"

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya was not surprised when his suddenly empty camp was filled with people or when he noticed what he'd though was his breakfast being eaten by a non-euclidian horror. A lifetime of training saw to that.

"Going in or out?" he asked cheerfully.

"In," a hunchback that he presumed was the chief minion replied. "You are?"

"Jiraiya the Gallant," he replied, puffing his chest out.

"Yethss, the Mithtrethss wanths a word with you," the minion said ominously.

"Would it help if I told you I was the boy's godfather, that he had a strong breakthrough at a very early age, and that we never would have sealed him if Uzu was still around?" the Toad Sage asked hopefully.

"It helpths you in that it meanths we don't break your legths without orderths to," the chief minion offered. Not till after they got back to the village anyway, much easier for all concerned if they didn't have to carry him, saved effort.

"Well . . . better than getting my legs broken as a matter of course, I suppose," Jiraiya said weakly. He really really hoped the Uzukage was in a better mood than she was the last time he'd seen her.

Jiraiya was escorted into town and put up in the third best hotel in the village of Uzu. The food was superb, the service exquisite, the rooms both large and quiet, the population of land-squid in the lobby sufficiently off putting to keep the place from being ranked number one.

"Wait here till summoned?" Jiraiya asked as the minions departed.

"Or you wake up in a jar," the last minion agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Hinata's face was tomato red, her eyes unblinking, as she stared into the view screen on the camera provided by her Naruto's cousin. Granted, she could get the same effect with her newly improved eyes, but it seemed much less sordid to combine her regular stalking with Machi's request.

"Everything okay there, Hinata?" Naruto asked, noting the girl's red face and making a note to look into it when he had a spare moment.

"Y-y-y-yes, Naruto-kun," Hinata agreed.

"Anything I can do to help?" he asked innocently.

"C-c-c-could y-y-y-you d-d-d-do s-s-s-some p-p-p-pelvic th-thrusts, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked hopefully. "T-t-t-to test th-the-" The girl froze, to test what? "M-motion th-thingy," she squeaked.

"Sure, Hinata," Naruto agreed, giving the girl a thumbs up. "No problem." He only managed three before his minion's eyes rolled and she passed out on the floor. Looked like he was going to have to take a look at her sooner than he thought.

"What's up?" Machi asked, sticking her head into the room.

"I think I made a mistake when I was improving Hinata," Naruto replied with a frown, his brow wrinkled as he tried to figure out what.

"Oh? What happened?" She picked up the fallen camera and reviewed the footage. A grin bloomed on her face. "Never mind. I think I see what the problem is."

"What?"

"Nothing you need concern yourself with. It is only I, the great and dead sexy genius Machi Uzumaki, who can unravel the the coils that ensnare this poor maiden's heart!"

"I'm pretty sure I didn't leave any loose coils around her heart," Naruto disagreed. "Maybe around her left knee, but I'm almost fifteen percent sure I didn't leave any around her heart."

"I was being poetic," Machi explained. "Just let me deal with it, I promise it's no big thing."

"Okay," Naruto agreed doubtfully.

"Which reminds me!" She stepped fully into the room. "Look what I found in the forest!" Machi announced. The woman held up the leads to three leashes and gave them a hard jerk, causing three self conscious looking giant tigers to slink into the room. "Aren't they just the cutest things ever? I think I'm gonna call the first one Mister Snugglebottom, the second one Prince PuffyTail, and the third Mighty Tim."

"Those are awesome names!" Naruto exclaimed, shooting his cousin a thumbs up.

"I know," she said, preening. "Anyway, I didn't come here just to show off how awesome my naming skills are, I came to ask for a favor."

"Sure," Naruto agreed. "Whadda ya want?"

"Mind if I borrow your operating theater?" She blushed, one didn't normally share lab space until they had a much closer relationship than she and her newest cousin shared. She gave the boy a once over and filed that thought in the back of her mind. "I wouldn't normally ask but there's only so much I can do to improve my new pets without some decent equipment."

IIIIIIIIII

The Uzukage was still when her minion finished his report on Konoha's Uzumaki. To be quite frank, one of the things in it did not fill her with any amount of joy. "The whole Hyuuga clan is now his?" the Uzukage said flatly. "I see."

"It theemths Master Naruto'th chief minionethss wath the clan heirethss and uthurped the caged bird theal," the Chief Minion explained.

"Was that why he made the heiress his chief minioness?" the Uzukage's voice was devoid of emotion as she prepared herself to give a series of very unfortunate orders.

"It wath not, Mithtreth, thee wath waiting in hith lab when he arrived. Theemed quite eager to thwear herthelf to hith thervice. It theems her chief motivation to thteal the clan wath to better therve and protect her mathter."

The Uzukage smiled. That last bit of information turned the situation from what seemed to be a potential problem to address in such a way that it was never a problem again into the most romantically adorable thing she'd heard in decades. "Pictures!"

"Here thee iths, Mithtreth," he said, handing over a photograph of the girl in question and a file containing everything they'd been able to learn about her.

"What a little cutie," the Uzukage cooed over the photo.

"Yeth, Mithtreth," the Chief Minion agreed. "Here are thome of the otherths we took of her."

"Assemble a team and take . . . Ichiro with you to look at what Naruto did in Wave," she ordered eyes focused on the stack of photos in her hands.

"Yeth, Mithtreth," the Chief Minion agreed.

"Be sure not to forget to look in on Machi's pets while you're there or we'll never hear the end of it." The way that girl spoiled her creations. The Uzukage snorted, not that she was much better with descendants or the village she'd created. She glanced at the clock. The pathetic toad pervert could wait another day or two, she had more important things to occupy her time. A volume of manga was pulled out of its hiding place and she got to reading.

"It thall be done, Mithtreth."

"And get me more pictures of this little cutie that's got her eyes on my grandson," the Uzukage ordered. "Maybe a couple blood and tissue samples if you think of it."

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya wasn't sure if there was some hidden meaning to the fact that the minions has placed him in a waiting room in which all four walls were made from giant panes of glass. The glass was part of a tank holding back millions of galleons of some sort of nutrient solution and hundreds of human brains, their eyes still attached by thin strands of optic nerves. In one motion, every eye swiveled to regard him as he took his seat, showing evidence that they were both alive, aware, and one of a myriad of possible fates that befell those unfortunate enough to get on the Uzukage's bad side. He just hoped he wouldn't be joining or envying them at any point in the future.

He tensed when a group of heavily armed minions entered the room. "The Mistress is busy today, you'll have to come back tomorrow."

"Wonderful," Jiraiya agreed, forcing himself to believe that it was a good sign she snubbed him. Upon careful consideration, he decided it was. Uzumaki were known for many things but never their patience, if she'd already made up her mind to do something horrible to him it would have occurred the first day. Either she was annoyed but not to the point of experimenting upon him or she hadn't decided. Either one was better than the alternative . . . well, unless of course that the alternative was that she was happy with him, that would be ideal.

He got up to leave and was stopped by the minions. "That's the way in," the lead minion explained. "You'll want to take the other door, it's the way out. Don't worry, it's very educational."

"Is it?" Jiraiya asked weakly.

"Down the hall of frozen screams," one of the other minions added. "It's where Mistress keeps the people that annoyed her that she turned into living statues. They can feel hunger, they can feel pain, they can feel thirst, they can feel the need to breathe, but they can't move, they can't go insane, and they can't die."

"I see." If he could be sure of nothing else, he could be sure that the Uzukage was annoyed with him and wanted him to be well aware of what had happened to people foolish enough to annoy her in the past.

IIIIIIIIII

After three days of waiting and witnessing horrors of the sort that would have broken his hold on sanity, should he have been without a lifetime of training and experience, Jiraiya was finally ushered into a meeting with the absolute and undisputed leader of the village of sparks.

"You're responsible for what happened to my grandson?" the Uzukage said in a low dangerous voice. "Responsible for dimming his light and robbing the world of his creations?" Every Whirlpool nin and a number of unspeakable horrors prepared themselves to do violence. "Give me one reason I shouldn't declare war on Konoha, raze its buildings, kill its ninja, and condemn its population to be test subjects at the academy!" Veins were bulging on the enraged woman's face.

"Well." Jiraiya had been a ninja for decades, had not only survived but thrived in a profession that killed or retired the majority of its practitioners by the age of thirty. "I wanted to see what would happen."

"Oh, all right then." The Uzukage blinked then smiled. "I look forward to reading your notes."

"Regrettably, I was too close to the test subject and was forced to remove myself from the area so as not to compromise the experiment. I did, however, appoint my old teacher as a stand in. Why don't I just send a messenger to him with a request to send on his observations, shall I?"

"Why don't you," she agreed. Though phrased like a suggestion, it was clearly an order and backed by the two most frightening words in the woman's vocabulary. 'Or else!'

"Yes, Uzukage-sama," Jiraiya agreed quickly.

IIIIIIIIII

Machi's bones vibrated when her cousin's chief minioness gave her a once over before allowing her entrance into the boy's abode. She gave the girl a brief smile before making a mental note to ask her cousin to see the notes regarding the girl's augmentation.

"Is my cousin in?!" Machi asked with a wide grin.

"Naruto-kun is in the laboratory," Hinata replied.

"Thanks," Machi said, skipping to the hidden switch that triggered the staircase down to the boy's lab. "Naruto, I've come to play!" Machi announced.

"Machi!" Naruto replied. "Why do minions have such great hats?" Naruto asked, switching topics at lightning speed and wondering if he should get one for Hinata to wear.

"Granny said something about the best and most loyal and most dangerous minions wearing cool hats a couple centuries ago and it stuck," Machi replied absently. "You know, if you replaced this with the heating filament we found in your neighbor's toaster, we could improve the efficiency by a factor of five."

"Hmmmm."

"It'll also prevent the village from disappearing in a storm of radioactive fire if the power fluctuates," she added absently. "Remember, safety seventh." Machi felt a warm glow as her cousin incorporated her improvements into his design. For once, she was beginning to understand one of the reasons grannie liked to keep the family close. She'd later learn that she'd discovered number seventeen. Making it slightly more difficult for her children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, etc. to gather resources to use against her was of course number five and to have a convenient supply of compatible organs at hand was number six.

IIIIIIIIII

Jiraiya's heartbeat slowed as he left the center of the Uzukage's domain and the messenger birds were sent. Back to the hotel to pack and then to the gates to wait for an escort out of Uzu's lands to someplace where the biggest danger was a rogue S-class nin or two.

"Jiraiya!"

The pervert turned and was pleased to find that the speaker was a woman with a figure that exceeded that of his old teammate and a face that begged to be immortalized in marble. "Yes?"

"I wanted a word with you," she continued, her voice a mixture of smoke and sex.

"Of course," he agreed instantly. With luck, one word would lead to two and two words would lead to night of delight with this angel made flesh. Wasn't like there was anything on the outside that needed his immediate attention.

"Most of us realize just how short the lifespan of a spark that emerged as young as he did would be outside the village," the stunningly gorgeous minion explained. "We're grateful for what you did, ensuring the young master lived long enough for us to meet him."

"Well, that's-" Jiraiya began, already planning what he was going to do to the woman in front of him.

"Of course," she said, interrupting him. "That's not to say we wouldn't cheerfully vivisect you on the Uzukage's orders for presuming to experiment on an Uzumaki of the main line." She smiled, revealing a face full of sharp pointed teeth. "In fact, it's only her orders that're stopping us from doing it on our own." No one experimented on an Uzumaki except another Uzumaki, it was one of the few laws without a dozen exceptions and loopholes big enough to drive a heard of elephants through that the village subscribed to.

IIIIIIIIII

Sasuke glared at the pink haired annoyance whom he saw leaning against front entrance to his third teammate's apartment building. They hadn't had a team meeting since they'd returned from wave which was a bit of a mixed blessing. True it denied him instruction, but it also kept him from having to be around his pink haired stalker of a teammate without his other teammate to act as a buffer.

"Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed with a smile. "Why did you want to meet here? I brought the ether like you asked me to."

The boy's eyebrows knit together in confusion, hadn't their teacher been the one that had ordered them to meet at Naruto's building? As he was about to respond he saw the girl's left hand knock three times on the door and then pin a note just above the girl's right breast. It then pointed at him, gestured for silence, and shoved what appeared to be an ether soaked rag into her face. Sakura prattled, seemingly unaware of what her left hand was doing till she slumped to the ground. The whole incident did nothing but reaffirm his decision to avoid fangirls as much as possible.

"Ano, are you here to visit Naruto-kun?" Hinata's voice caused Sasuke to turn around. The girl was carrying a stack of steel I-beams in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other. A smile bloomed on her face. "He'll be so happy to see his teammates again."

Sasuke looked at the Hyuuga, glanced at the still form of his pink haired teammate, calculated his chances of escaping, and sighed in resignation. "Hn," he agreed. The boy walked over and picked up Sakura. "Please don't ever tell her I carried her anywhere."

"Alright," Hinata agreed. The girl walked over to the building and removed a brick to reveal a hidden panel. "Move three steps to your right," she ordered.

Sasuke complied and sighed again when the section of street he was on began to sink. It used to be such a nice, quiet, hidden ninja village.

IIIIIIIIII

The minions heard the sound of a child squealing in glee as they came to the footbridge connecting Wave to the rest of the elemental nations. Upon further investigation, they saw a child riding a tentacled shark escorted by four 'laser' armed sharks which vaporized any and every seagull foolish enough to get too close. Too close being defined as within visual range. It seemed that not only were her pets doing well, they'd found a new friend. Mistress Machi would be pleased.

IIIIIIIIII

The street sunk further and further into the earth until the sun was just a tiny speck in a sea of darkness above when they finally came to a halt. Sasuke followed Hinata as the girl took them through a maze of tunnels to stop before a giant steel door.

"Hand me that note on her shirt," Hinata ordered. Despite the risk of retrieving the note posed by its location, Sasuke hastened to obey. "Wait here."

The door opened, filling the tunnel with an ominous red glow and a number of disturbing sounds. "I'll be back to show you in when Naruto-kun wishes to see you," Hinata added over her shoulder as she disappeared into the passage. The door closed tightly behind her.

IIIIIIIIII

Tazuna watched as his innocent grandson played with the Uzu spawned horrors that had taken up residence in the straight where he was building his bridge. The men had refused to work, citing their very real fear of being violated and eaten until he'd pointed out how disappointed the Uzumaki would be if she returned and was not greeted by either a large bridge or a number of industrious workers trying to complete it. He'd had no more labor problems after that, nor had the remnants of Gato's organization been any trouble, not after the one time they'd tried kidnapping his daughter to use as leverage anyway. The man shuddered, as bad as the sharks were, they were nothing compared to the garden of horrors his daughter was lovingly caring for around the house. That's what he got for marrying a girl from Uzu, should have listened to his parents and gone with the fisherman's daughter.

IIIIIIIIII

Hinata took a few minutes to bask in her master's glorious presence as she watched him and his cousin work on something. Truly this was happiness, the girl thought to herself, truly this was why she'd been put on the world. Why else, but to serve the greater glory of her master?

"Ah, Hinata, you're back!" Naruto said with a grin. "Just toss those I-beams in the corner. You didn't have any trouble getting them, did you?"

"N-no, Naruto-kun," the girl agreed. The construction company owner had told her to take as many as she wanted if she agreed not to let go until after she'd pulled him back into his office on the fifteenth floor. He'd even been good enough to offer up everything for free as an apology for saying such nasty things about HER Naruto-kun. He'd even been humble enough to agree that sixteen broken bones and three dislocated joints was nothing less than he deserved for his earlier bad attitude. She was just glad they'd been able to resolve the misunderstanding without having to resort to any unpleasantness.

"Great!" Naruto cheered.

"Ano . . ."

"Yeah?"

"S-S-S-Sakura has a n-n-note for you, Naruto-kun," Hinata said shyly, handing it over. "And S-Sasuke is h-here to v-v-visit you too."

"Show them in," Naruto commanded with a grin. It'd be good to see his team again now that he'd been reminded that he had one.

"Y-yes, Naruto-kun."

AN: Looks like I forgot to post this, oops.

Beta by dogbertcarroll who once built a full sized model of the Eiffel Tower out of herring. You've never heard of it due to the fact that it was consumed by a horde of cats shortly after completion.

Typos by mjihde, ordieth117, firelordeg

Omake by mjihde

So many awesome things could come from this... and Hinata usurping the leadership of the Hyuuga and forcing Hiashi to act as a decoy is something that should happen more often.

I can totally imagine Shikamaru going to Naruto and having his shadow turned into an actual entity loyal only to the Uzumaki and Shikamaru.

Shikaku hung his head as depression crept up on him. "Shikamaru... I thought you were smarter than this..."

The Nara heir looked up at his father, his shadow stretching from beneath the reclined pre-teen towards the kitchen, where a multi-limbed blob was washing, drying, and stacking the dishes. "What are you talking about?"

"What possessed you to have Naruto 'upgrade' you?" Shikaku asked, using the term that had been going around for the ninja Naruto had 'helped'. "Don't you know how dangerous that was?

"Of course I do, but you're forgetting something: The Nara clan can only control shadows because the Uzukage got bored two hundred years ago. I figured it was only a matter of time before Master Naruto got around to 'improving' his classmates, so I decided to be proactive and ensure I at least got something useful out of it."

The older Nara nodded. "I can see why you'd think that, but-"

"He's a main line Uzumaki, dad." Interrupted the Genin.

"What?" Choked the Jonin.

Shikamaru shrugged. "At least, I think he is. He might have spontaneously spawned from a bowl of Miso, but I think the first is more likely."

The father seemed to deflate at that, a dark cloud gathering over his head and... raining on him? "What the hell?"

"Oh yeah, I think he and his cousin were talking about making it spread like a contagion when they put me under."

Shikaku twitched as he forced his own shadow to retract. "Anything else, son?" He asked, repressing the mention of a second Uzumaki in Konoha.

Shikamaru held up his hands to reveal a small mouth on each palm. "Apparently they heard about some Iwa guy named Deidara and wanted to see if they could copy him using a pair of pliers and a roll of duct tape. I wasn't going to complain after seeing what happened to Kiba."

What did Naruto and his cousin do to Kiba? That's for someone else to come up with.

Omake by amusedones

On the way to Konoha Tsunade decided to abuse her newly re-found youth. Or maybe it was youthful appearance, mused Shizune.

One quickly learned to treat language more as a suggestions than the strict definitions around the Uzumaki. And be very mindful of it less he wants to end with an extendable third hand.

But coming back to Tsunade.

Stiff slouched posture. Check. Mumbling under her nose. Check. Looking at the world around and willing to set it on fire with her sight?

Double check and few steps to the left just in case.

That is to say she was behaving like a proper teenager.

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what Tsunade-sama?"

"That whistling sound, and reminds me, I have to upgrade your hearing later"

"Ye..."

The reply was stopped short by something blurred and vaguely girl-like slamming into the blonde.

"ANEEEEKII, you are back, finally back!" Tsunade stood firmly with her hands held in a hug a young girl with a twin buns on her head was holding her in. The girl proceeded to rub her face against Tsunade's.

"Ah, finally back the fun we will have together, I will finally have someone to mind your pet project. Did you know he can multiply. By budding. And his clone has a separate personality, though there is something wrong with moulding chakra..."

"Nice to see you too, Tenten."

"Oh, it's good to have you back. Wait, you are back because you've left me..."

"It was necessary?"

"Tsunade I had to suffer minding your experiment."

Huh? Where did she get all those weapons from?

"Tsunade-aneki it's all your fault. Prepare to die!"

Well, at least her master wasn't brooding any more"

*** 

Meanwhile in Konoha's training ground 23. 

"Master, did you feel it?"

"Yes, my apprentice the giver of springtide has returned as it was foretold."

"YOSH, lets train!"

"YOSH, what a youthful idea!"

The third person present there just shook his head and left.


	26. That Damned Elusive Uzumaki

Disclaimer: They seek him here, they seek him there, those ninja seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven? Or is he in Ibaraki?

That Damned Elusive Uzumaki

(Part three of 'MAW' - 'What If' chapters 20 and 23)

Kimiko groaned in annoyance when the convoy came to a halt. Time to go up and see what the hold up was. It turned out that the bottleneck was a large group of armed civilians blocking entrance to a bridge.

"What's the problem?" she asked calmly. A quick glance confirmed that they weren't any threat, nothing even one of their newly promoted genin couldn't handle.

An old man hobbled to the front. "It's nothing personal, we just get nervous when large well armed groups enter our territory."

"Understandable," she agreed. "Would it help if I told you we weren't planning to stay?"

"It would help if I had some reason to believe you," the old man allowed.

"Why do you have that symbol on your jacket?" a little boy demanded, drawing her attention.

"This one?" Kimiko asked, finger tracing the spiral.

"Yeah!" the boy agreed.

"It's the symbol of Whirlpool and the Uzumaki clan," she explained.

"Are you an Uzumaki?" the old man asked intently.

"No," she replied. "I am traveling on the orders of Uzumaki-sama though."

"What's his first name?" the old man whispered.

"Naruto," she replied. "Why?"

"Describe him for me," the old man persisted.

"About this tall." She held her palm out. "Blond hair, orange outfit, marks on his cheeks."

The whole mood of the crowd changed, looks of grim determination melting into smiles.

"You serve Naruto Uzumaki?" 

"Uzumaki-sama rescued us from despair and gave us the will to rebuild our village," she agreed. "When he comes home he will be officially named Uzukage."

"Welcome to Wave," the old man said. A bottle appeared in his hands as if by magic. "If there is anything we can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask."

"Why the sudden change of attitude?" she asked.

"My name is Tazuna, this is my grandson Inari, and this." He waved at the bridge. "Is the Great Naruto Bridge. Named after the hero that saved our country."

One of the new genin, the girl who'd been rescued by Naruto on the first day stepped forward. "Could you tell us about it?"

"I'd be delighted to." The old bridge builder nodded his head. The man turned to look over his men. "Tanaka, go down to the fishing boats and tell them I'm buying half their catch. Kikujiro, start a fire. Everyone else, we're having a festival. You know what to do."

IIIIIIIIII

Junko was an odd sort of nin, one of the few that specialized in diplomacy. Having been plucked from the academy at a young age, she had a relatively poor grasp on some of the flashier ninja skills, but years of training meant she excelled at the more subtle sort. Her usual duty was to accompany her leader when he met with important individuals, to sit at his side and watch for anything that might slip. Another duty was, unfortunately, to act as her leader's voice in situations that were too dangerous or unimportant for the man to attend in person.

She nervously checked her hand mirror one more. Ostensibly to inspect that her makeup was perfect, really to stall and give herself a few more precious seconds of life.

"Do we have eyes on the target?" she asked, voice steady.

"Detected his shadow and went to an open air ramen stand," one of her escort replied. "Owner of the stall is deaf and dumb."

"A relatively public place with a witness that can't witness because they can't listen in," she said with honest admiration. "He really is as good as they say he is."

"The witness could still read lips," the Anbu disagreed.

"He'll use the motion of eating noodles to mask that," Junko said confidently.

IIIIIIIIII

Kamisori Hanzo absolutely hated his life. Granted, he'd obtained a measure of success, much more than some of his fellow refugees, but it was a success that tasted like ashes. He had the misfortune of being the only relatively honest law enforcement officer in Water's capitol, in a department filled with corruption, headed up by his snake of a boss, the most corrupt of them all. At times he wondered if he shouldn't slice open his belly and rejoin the rest of his village.

"Master, are you alright?" one of his underlings demanded.

In a flash, he became aware of the pain in his shins and the weight pressing down on his thighs. A pool of blood was forming beneath him as the stone ridges he was kneeling on broke the skin of his shins. "More weight."

"Master, please, it's enough," his other minion sobbed. "It's too much. Please, don't make us do this to you."

"More weight!" he growled.

Reluctantly, the two men lifted another flat block of stone and carefully placed it on the stack pressing down on his thighs.

IIIIIIIIII

Suzume was late to the meeting, something that was more than a bit surprising considering the change in the woman's attitude after the Uzumaki had come and given the gift of hope to them all.

"They had more stories about Uzumaki-sama than just the bridge," she explained as she took her spot. "It seems Uzumaki-sama is the hero of several countries, at least one of the minor ninja villages, and has a close personal relationship with the current Hokage."

"It's not surprising," Kimiko said. "They're cousins."

"Uzumaki-sama was also instrumental in having her appointed to the position," Suzume continued. "It wasn't just personal power he was gathering, it was political." The woman had tears in her eyes. "He must have dedicated his entire life to rebuilding the village."

"We can do nothing less than follow his example," Yuki said firmly. "To have such dedication at such a young age . . . it's an inspiration," he finished with a wide grin. "I wasn't half as focused when I was twice as old."

"Uzumaki-sama has provided for us in other ways," Kimiko stated. "The village leader, Tazuna has asked about a contract to protect the bridge and the village from bandits."

"What are they willing to pay?" Yuki asked, brushing a few strands of snow white hair out of his eyes.

"On going A-rank according to Konoha's price structure."

"Not what we used to use," Suzume snorted.

"It is what they understand," Yuki pointed out, trying to mollify the woman.

"Who can we spare?" the woman sighed. Suzume slapped her forehead. "That's the wrong way of looking at things. Who do we have that's best able to accomplish the mission?" They needed to rebuild their reputation, no corners could be permitted to be cut.

"How about Kenichi?" Kimiko suggested.

"Him?" Suzume scratched her chin. "Fits," she allowed. "He's been spending all his free time since the village fell designing area defense seals."

"Better he and his team should test them here than on the village anyway," Yuki agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

Junko nodded in relief to herself as she approached the ramen seller's booth to hear her target loudly ordering one of everything. There was no reason to shout at a deaf shopkeeper, so therefore the message was meant for her. One of everything sent a very clear signal, too. It meant all options were on the table, reconciliation as well as open and bloody warfare, and everything in between.

She'd feared worse, and had faced more embittered ninja than one willing to proclaim a chance, even a chance, of peace as an opening remark. A ghost of hope fluttered in her chest.

Too bad she had to squash it ruthlessly. Many ninja, especially of his level, were like cats, wanting to play with their prey a little, pretending to give it chances, before destroying it utterly. Cruelty was in the job description, but some took it the next step and derived pleasure from it. To let herself hope could only lead to her miscalculating the deal she about to sacrifice her life for.

Working hard not to set her shoulders, but to remain relaxed and open, Junko entered what was probably the last scene she would ever see in this life, eyes sweeping the small business.

That ghost of hope gave a second flutter in her chest when she saw him sitting at the bar on a stool. Virtually all ninja in his position would have taken a booth in the back facing the entry, forcing her to approach under his gaze like a supplicant before a daimyo, then her opening move would be to request to join him. A very subtle dominance game, but almost standard. Certainly expected.

To have his back to the door clearly stated he did not fear her, and she shuddered a little at how thoroughly that implied he had evaluated her before she'd even arrived. A chakra sensor, certainly. But also more subtle methods, she felt sure.

But also, anyone could join anyone else on a bar stool. It removed the need for her to approach as a supplicant. If she weren't certain it was a move calculated to put her off balance and lend a false sense of security, she might even call it a friendly gesture.

Junko headed for the stool on his right. As almost all ninja were right handed, she was signaling, by taking a place on his stronger side, that she was under his power for the moment, whereas taking a place at his left would have sent a message about trying to maneuver into his weak spots for control, a more combative message than she wanted to start off with.

She took the open stool without incident, noting what ramen he was eating as she did so. Miso. Neutral, common. Another good sign. A more spicy flavor would have indicated other things.

She was quite happy for the signs he kept sending about not holding grudges.

It could all be a ruse, of course. Junko had read thoroughly all of the reports and information on this man in what time she'd had, and noted the Sound heavy combat teams he'd destroyed had also had no indications whatsoever that things weren't going their way up until the very moment they'd been annihilated.

"One of everything," Junko ordered, saying it both aloud and signaling, paying not a whit of concern for the pile of untouched ramen bowls that would leave at the end. Her care was on meeting the S-rank ninja's gesture with one equally open, to confirm that, yes, all options were indeed on the table.

It wasn't difficult to direct the conversation in the direction of the Hyuuga incident, the Uzumaki was surprisingly easy to talk to and also quite willing to do things in the open. It was almost refreshing in a way. 'Perhaps I'm going to live through this after all?' Junko thought optimistically. 

"Speaking hypothetically, Uzumaki-sama, what would Cloud have to do in order to gain forgiveness for their attempt to abduct the Hyuuga clan heiress?"

IIIIIIIIII

Kamisori Hanzo glared at the trash he'd picked up. He was in the middle of a murder investigation and there were indications that the unfortunate scum on his rack knew something.

"I don't know," the man sobbed. "Please, have mercy, I don't know anything!"

"Tighter!" Hanzo ordered, causing his prisoner to scream in pain as his joints separated. "Talk!"

"Master!" one of his minions yelled, entering the room. "Shimizu the Rat is at the back door."

"So?"

"He says he has information for you master," the minion said quickly. "Should I tell him to leave?"

"No. Tell him to meet me in the back garden," Hanzo ordered.

"Yes, master," the minion agreed.

"Keep up the tension while I'm gone," Hanzo told his other minion.

"Yes, master," the man agreed.

Shimizu the rat was a traveling merchant, sometimes thief, and purveyor of information. Hanzo knew he'd only come into town the day before, meaning any information he might have on the murder was second hand at best. He found the man in his garden, standing in the center of the dozen stone Bodhisattva statues he used in his daily exercise routine.

"What do you have for me?" Hanzo demanded, glaring down at his snitch.

"You're from Uzu, aren't you?" Shimizu asked. The man cringed in fear when he saw the large policeman's fist clench and raise. "I've got information about Uzu!" he said quickly.

"What sort of information?" Hanzo demanded, lowering his fist.

"Refugees from all over the elemental countries are going back to rebuild it," Shimizu replied. "They say the Uzukage is traveling around to gather them all."

"What Uzukage?"

"The last main line Uzumaki," Shimizu replied. "S-class nin, considered a hero in nearly every country."

"Get out!" Hanzo ordered.

"What about my fee?" Shimizu demanded. "You said you'd pay for information."

"I said I'd pay for information about crimes, what happened to Uzu was a crime, rebuilding it is not!" Hanzo snapped. He glared at the man for a few moments, before deciding that while he didn't owe him money for the information he did owe him something. "The head of the merchant association in town is cheating on his wife with a priest in the temple of Water. She doesn't know; he's bribing the head priest to keep it quiet."

"That's not enough," Shimizu said.

"He likes to talk when he's finished, the head priest sells what he lets slip but if you go to the northwest corner and have good ears you'll hear everything for free." 

"That's enough," Shimizu said with a pleased smile on his face. "I might even owe you some information."

"Know who killed the girl that turned up in the castle moat?"

"As it happens, yes," Shimizu agreed. "Boy named Takeru."

"The head guard's son?"

"Yes. His father put him on the first cargo boat going down river, don't bother going after him."

"Why? It's only been two days, I can catch him before he gets to to the next island if I use one of the fast courier boats."

"He picked the wrong victim. Her uncle paid Mist to deal with the problem." 

"You're right, no need for me to do anything," Hanzo said, a satisfied smile on his face. "Do you know if his father's gotten the news yet?"

"I assume the ninja will tell him . . . if they haven't already."

"Probably," Hanzo agreed. The big man turned and walked back into his house and on to his torture room.

"He talked, master," one of the minions reported. "Said it was the head guard's son who murdered the girl."

"Pack up my things," he told one minion. "Go down to the livery stable and buy a wagon big enough to carry them all. Biggest one I can afford if I don't have enough for the size I want."

"Everything, master?" the first minion said dumbly.

"I'm leaving this cesspit," Hanzo explained.

The minions looked at each other. "Master, why don't you take a bath and have a nap while we get to work," the second minion suggested.

"Perhaps you'll change your mind," the first minion agreed. "It's best to sleep on these things."

"I won't change my mind," Hanzo growled.

"Please, master!" the minions threw themselves on the ground and began begging.

"Fine, now get to work!" Hanzo barked.

IIIIIIIIII

The newly promoted Whirlpool genin paused when they noticed activity in the ruins of what they'd been told was their home village. At a loss, they huddled up to decide how to address the situation. After a few minutes, they determined that they'd been sent to assess the condition of the ruins and that finding out who was in them and why clearly fit their mission profile. It was unlikely the older nin would agree, so it was fortunate that none of them were around.

Michiko, a short blonde girl wearing her mother's chipped forehead protector was elected to go in first while her two companions reluctantly held back. The girl walked into the village, noting signs of new construction and that none of the people she saw made a sound when they moved.

"Hi!" she said brightly. "I'm Michiko, a ninja of the Whirlpool!"

"Hello," the nearest one, a nondescript woman, greeted her. "We are a group of humble Whirlpool civilians, repairing the village as is our duty."

"Okay," she agreed, wondering if this was some gag set up by the geezers on the council. "You don't have a problem with us ninja moving back to the village, do you?"

"It is improper for civilians such as us to meddle in the affairs of ninja," the woman stated calmly.

"Right, um, are you sure you're civilians?" Maybe she'd eaten some hallucinogenic plants by mistake?

"Are you the Uzukage!" the woman asked intently, her blank expression becoming focused.

"No, Uzumaki-sama is still traveling the elemental countries gathering refugees and support for the village."

"Ah, in that case, I am definitely an innocent civilian and not secretly a ninja at all."

"Right . . . uh . . ."

"Per our copy of Uzu's standard operating procedures, you are to report to your superiors that a potentially suspicious group of civilians is in the village," the woman said helpfully.

"Really?" Michiko tilted her head. "I don't suppose I could get a copy for myself could I? I don't think any survived the fall of the village so we don't have one."

"You lack a copy of the standard operating procedures?" the strange woman asked, looking sick. "It will take me nearly three hours to complete a copy. I can either give it to the senior nin sent to evaluate us per subsection B, paragraph six, or I can give it to you if and when you return."

"That'd be great," Michiko said, taking that as a sign the strange nin weren't hostile. "Thanks." She turned and began walking back towards her concealed teammates, more than a bit pleased at how well their first independent mission had gone and more than a bit relieved that the strange ninja in the village were someone else's problem. 

AN: Something else that I've apparently forgotten to post. Thought I hadn't finished this chapter, turned out it was the next I was in the middle of. In my defense, I've been a bit preoccupied getting ready for an international move for the past couple months.

Polish by dogbertcarroll

Typos by daenerys5539, polychromeknight

Idea by polychromeknight

Scene by polychromeknight


	27. Ran Outta Steam

Disclaimer: Nothing lasts forever.

Ran Outta Steam

(Last part of MAW. What if chapters: 20, 23, and 26)

Michiko did her best to ignore the council while she repeated the report she'd already given to her instructor. Best not to think about the fact that the older nin could have her assigned to sewage burning detail for a month with a gesture or end her career with a word.

"A question," Suzume spoke up when the girl finished.

"Yes, Suzume?" The girl froze. "Uh, sama?"

"Why don't we stick with just Suzume like we always have," the old woman suggested. "How did you know they were quote normal civilians unquote?" the former jonin asked dryly.

"They said they were," one of the other new genin replied.

"One of them had it written on his name tag," the third genin volunteered.

"I asked one of them if they were really normal civilians," Michiko stated. "She asked if I was the Uzukage."

"What did you tell her?"

"No, so she told me he was definitely a normal civilian," the genin giggled.

"Good work," Suzume complimented the girl. "I want you and your team to get some rest. Tell your instructor that you'll be headed back to the village to pick up that SOP after I've had a chance to check them out."

"You?" Yuki asked dryly.

"The two of us are the senior nin on station," Suzume said calmly. "Which of us is more expendable?"

"You were always the better trainer," Yuki replied.

"And you're the one that's better dealing with pettiness. The village needs someone to hold it together till the Uzukage comes home. I am not suited for the role so I'm going," Suzume said firmly. The woman rose to her feet and left, ending the conversation.

IIIIIIIIII

Hanzo scowled when he saw the number of wagons filling the street in front of his house. There was no way everything he owned would fill more than one of them. His scowl deepened when he saw his two minions approach.

"What's going on?!" he barked.

"Master, we did as you asked," the first minion simpered.

"More than you asked, master," the other agreed quickly. Handing his boss a bag of coins. "We didn't even need to spend any of your savings."

"Why are there so many wagons?" he growled, pocketing the coins. "Well?!"

"Master, we went around to all the big houses and temples and asked them what they would pay to be rid of you for good," his first minion simpered.

"They paid for all this?" Hanzo asked, a smile blooming on his face. A man measured his worth by the enemies he made, the thought that his were willing to give up so much wealth to see the back of him was flattering.

"That and more, master," the second minion said quickly. "The snake alone gave up enough gold to live on for five years."

Hanzo's gaze swept over the wagons. The drivers seemed to have a lot of women and children with them. His scowl returned. "What are you not telling me?"

"Around two thirds of the big houses paid for you to leave, master," the first minion stated. "One third begged to join you and so did almost the entire population of the slums and about half the little houses."

"What?!" That too was flattering in a way, Hanzo thought to himself.

"They said they weren't willing to live here if there wasn't a man like you to protect them, master," the first minion said quickly. "It's not safe here without you."

"How are we going to feed them?" Hanzo demanded, doing his best to hide how much pleasure he felt at that statement. Seemed he had been able to do a bit of good after all, even with the corrupt bastards doing all they could to hinder him.

"We have enough food for two years and enough supplies to build a village ourselves if the rumor was false, master," the second minion volunteered.

"Fine," Hanzo agreed. He should have decided to leave years ago. "Let's go."

IIIIIIIIII

Takenaga had been a teamster for almost forty years, starting out as a ten year old kid hired to look after the draft animals and rising to own almost one hundred freight wagons, running supplies between each of the major countries and into many of the minor ones. His caravans were the product of a lifetime's work, the product of gallons of sweat, blood, and incalculable amounts of determination.

At the moment, he was sure he was watching the end of his dream. They'd been hit by a suspiciously well trained group of bandits on the edge of Cloud's territory, somewhere that should have been safe due to the large number of ninja patrolling the area.

Another guard screamed and fell as he took a needle through the thigh. Forty years of work and a third of his business is lost in an afternoon, he thought in despair. At least his wife and children were safe, he thought happily. His sons were on the new run between the newly emergent Wave and its largest trading partner the hidden village of Leaves. His Daughter was with her mother in Fire's capitol. The man drew his sword, if nothing else he could make sure they didn't get his cargo and wagons as cheaply as they'd thought they would.

He opened his mouth to scream a defiant battle cry and froze. The bandits weren't attacking, they were running, trying to escape from a wave of orange crashing out of the hills onto the now panicking attackers. Maybe he was going to live to see the sunset again after all.

IIIIIIIIII

Suzume tried to ignore the looks of relief on everyone's face when she returned. They were ninja, accepting death was part of the job, something the younger generation didn't seem to understand. Then again, they also hadn't been forced to watch as almost everyone they'd ever known and cared about was massacred. Perhaps it would be best to raise up a new type of ninja when they rebuilt the village? Something to suggest to the Uzukage when he returned.

"Leaf Anbu," she announced as she returned to the meeting area.

"What?" Yuki asked dumbly.

"They act like Leaf Anbu," Suzume repeated. "It looks as if Uzumaki-sama's cousin the Hokage sent aid under a cover so transparent it may as well not even be there."

"You able to determine how long she's going to let us keep them?"

"That's for the Uzukage to decide," Suzume said happily, cracking a rare smile. "They were quite clear about the fact that they're not on Leaf's rolls. Groups of untraceable Anbu don't spring out of nowhere."

"True," Yuki agreed. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking Kushina-sama set something up before she died," Suzume replied.

IIIIIIIIII

The Sand nin nervously entered the Kazekage's office and waited till the present holder signaled for him to speak. Gone were the days when the Kazekage would crush into paste all those who displeased him, but memories of that terrible time lingered. The people of Sand were proud of their Kage's strength, relieved he'd calmed down, and terrified of his anger.

"Speak," Gaara commanded.

"Intelligence has picked up a rumor about your friend from Leaf, Kazekage-sama," the nin reported.

"What rumor?"

"It seems he is gathering support to rebuild the village hidden in the Whirlpool," the nin replied. "Scouts have noted several groups of known or suspected Uzu descendants heading in the direction their village once stood."

"Where is Naruto now?"

"We're unsure, Kazekage-sama," the nin stated. "We have several unconfirmed sightings, but nothing we can use to pin down an exact location."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, Kazekage-sama," the nin agreed.

"Leave," Gaara said calmly.

"Yes, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara pulled out a scroll and wrote something on it before sealing it with wax. "Temari."

"Do you want me to find Naruto or do you want me to investigate the village, little brother?" she asked, appearing by his side.

"The village first," he stated. "Give this to the onsite leader if they are connected with Naruto." He handed her the scroll. "I'll send you to find Naruto after you return."

"On it," she agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

The orange horde condensed into one individual once the danger had passed who, Takenaga was pleased to note, bore the symbol of the Leaf on his forehead protector. If one was forced to deal with ninja, it was always better to deal with ninja from villages not noted for casual brutality towards civilians. No sense putting if off, he supposed. The leader of the trade caravan approached the orange clad nin, making sure that his hands were well clear of anything that could be considered a weapon.

"Thank you for your assistance, Ninja-sama," he said, always a good idea to be polite to trained killers.

Naruto just nodded in reply, noting the many wounded and wishing he could have arrived even a couple minutes earlier. "Do you need anymore help?"

"I believe that we should be able to take care of everything ourselves from this point," Takenaga replied. "Thank you for the offer, Ninja-sama."

"Alright," Naruto agreed. The boy turned and began walking away.

"Aren't you going to take their heads?" the head guard blurted, eying the slashed forehead protectors on a couple of the bodies. "Might be worth a bit of money."

"I need supplies more than I need heads or money right now," Naruto said with a shrug.

"What sort of supplies?" Takenaga asked calmly, willing to give the boy almost anything to repay him for saving his life and the lives of his men.

"Food mostly," Naruto said, he really should have replenished his stock in the last village.

"I think we can help you with that," Takenaga agreed, gesturing for one of his drivers to make up a bundle. "Anything else?"

"No-wait, do you have sake?"

"Quite a bit," the man agreed.

"Enough for a giant toad?" Naruto asked hopefully.

"Axel on wagon number five's broken, boss," one of the drivers volunteered. "It's got two barrels. We unload them and we might be able to bodge up a temporary fix good enough to last to Cloud."

"Do it," Takenaga ordered. "Anything else?"

"Food and sake should do it," Naruto said cheerfully. "Unless . . . you don't have any ninja equipment, do you?"

"Not on this run," Takenaga said regretfully.

"Okay," Naruto agreed. "Just food and the sake."

IIIIIIIIII

Yuki was pleased by the amount of progress he saw when they arrived at the site of the old village the next afternoon. Much of the old residential area looked identical to how he'd remembered it, aside from the fact that it was all new construction.

"We have several maps and pictures of the village we are using to aid our efforts," a female voice explained from behind.

Yuki turned to find that one of the 'innocent civilians' had managed to sneak into the middle of the group. "I see, and you are?" he asked dryly.

"I have not been assigned a cover identity," she replied. The Root nin looked over the grey haired man addressing her. His scars spoke well of his skill, the lines on his face spoke well of his ability to endure, the way he held himself spoke well of his ability as a leader... It felt like someone had lit a fire in her lower belly, as once suppressed emotions began to surge through the unprepared woman.

"Sometimes a ninja must come up with their own," Yuki said. "What should we call you?"

A vague memory from her childhood bubbled to the top. "Hikari," she said through suddenly dry lips.

"Well, Hikari-chan, thank you for all the work you and your friends have done to restore the village," Yuki said, beaming down at the girl.

The 'innocent civilian' blushed at the attention, there was something about the man before her that she found very appealing. "Standard Operating Procedures from Uzu and Konoha agree that blanket permission is given for nin from the two villages to marry."

"I thought you were a civilian," Yuki said with a raised eyebrow.

"Paragraph five of Uzu SOP states that blanket permission is given to all nin to marry civilians from their own or allied villages. Konoha has no laws restricting the movement or marriage of its civilian population," she stated. The woman stepped closer. "Though I may be inexperienced, this one hopes you will take care of her." She went to her knees and bowed low.

"What?" Yuki blurted. "You're young enough to be my daughter," he protested. "Maybe even granddaughter."

"That you have survived so long in such a dangerous profession speaks well of your ability, husband," the newly renamed Hikari agreed happily, taking his hand and touching it to her forehead. "Our children will be strong," she proclaimed proudly.

Yuki shot a look of helpless confusion at the other members of the council, not sure what had just happened.

"Let me be the first to congratulate you two," Suzume said seriously. "I hope your union is both long and fruitful." Though her face was impassive, no one that knew her doubted that the woman was laughing on the inside.

IIIIIIIIII

The Raikage glanced up when his aide walked into the room. With luck, the man would have information regarding the Uzumaki and with a lot of luck, that information would indicate that the man was headed into someone else's territory.

"Junko's back," the aide announced.

"And?" the Raikage prompted, trying to hold his temper.

"She thinks it went well," the aide stated.

"She thinks?"

"She says the Uzumaki is better at diplomatic double speak than she is and that she was barely able to follow some of the conversation. Apparently, he controlled the entire talk from beginning to end."

"Give me some good news."

"She recorded every word after it finished, analysts have a preliminary report on what they think his demands are and what they think we agreed to." The aide cleared his throat. "Regarding the matter of the Hyuuga, the minimum the Uzumaki is willing to consider is a full apology, the return of the Hyuuga body in our possession, and some way of evening the scales."

"I see. What else?"

"The Uzumaki seemed amused by Junko, the analysts are split on what that means for her, specifically two phrases. Half think he demanded the negotiations be continued in the bedroom, the other half think he gave us the identity of a high level contact he has in Konoha."

"The gist of the phrases?"

"He complimented Junko's looks and expressed a desire to eat ramen with her again at his favored stand in Konoha, a place called Ramen Ichiraku."

"Go on the assumption that it was an agreement to meet again at some unspecified later date," the Raikage said after a moment of thought. "Tell Junko she's going to be in Leaf for an indefinite amount of time and in Whirlpool after that."

"Yes, Raikage-sama," the aide agreed. "If they are to have a meeting, it is believed that the Uzumaki has agreed to permit Junko to have one permanent guard on hand. We-" The aide licked his suddenly dry lips. "We believe the Uzumaki has requested that the guard be Yugito."

"Inform Yugito that she's going on a long term mission and that she is to be on her best behavior," the Raikage ordered. "Add that I don't expect her to return to the village for any length of time if her mission is successful."

"Yes, Raikage-sama."

"What else do the analysts have for me?"

"Good news," the aide said quickly. "Based on what we know of his actions, the Uzumaki doctrine seems to be as followed; live and let live, respond with overwhelming force when someone attacks. Every instance I can find in which the Uzumaki has used violence has either been self defense or the defense of another."

"Stone stopped losing Anbu teams after they stopped attacking him," the Raikage said thoughtfully. "How does that square with his demands regarding the Hyuuga incident?"

"For one, he's balancing the scales, for another it's on behalf of his betrothed." The aide smirked. "The Uzumaki is a ninja of terrifying power so it's easy to forget that he is also a teenaged boy. Might I remind you, Raikage-sama, what lengths they're willing to go to in order to impress a girl."

"Betrothed?" That was a new element in the mix, the Raikage reflected to himself. "We've confirmed the relationship?"

"Every agent we have in Leaf agrees that the girl is besotted with him. On your orders, we had them to do a bit of digging."

"Out with it," the Raikage ordered.

"We found several detailed drafts planning the wedding of the Hyuuga Heiress to the Uzumaki in the Hyuuga clan's garbage in the girl's own handwriting," the aid reported. "There was also a large number of bridal magazines and pictures of wedding dresses."

"Confirmed then," the Raikage agreed. "Regarding the Hyuuga situation."

"Orders, Raikage-sama?"

"Tell Akane that I've got one last job for her. One, I hope, will make the village safer," the Raikage stated. "Presuming she's willing to volunteer for it."

"She will be, Raikage-sama, she always has been."

"Tell her she has two days to decide," the Raikage continued. "That no matter what happens, this will be her last mission for Cloud, one way or another."

"Raikage-sama?"

"The Uzumaki wants the scales evened. I'm going to give the Hyuuga clan the niece of the man that kidnapped their heiress." The Raikage didn't look happy. "Tell intel that I want them to do their best to figure out a way I can do that without condemning her to a painful death." Sending nin to certain death was an unpleasant part of his job, trying to avoid it was another.

IIIIIIIIII

The newly rechristened Hikari was immediately beset by her fellow Root nin the second she returned to the group.

"Standard Operating Procedure states that we are to avoid making emotional attachments," one of her fellow Root nin said with what passed for disapproval in their group.

"Regulation five fifty four dash two one states that ninja are encouraged to seek spouses from the allied village of Uzu as a means of deepening ties," Hikari countered, defending her actions.

As one, the group of now thoughtful Root Anbu turned to regard the now nervous, but much more sympathetic to Yuki, band of Uzu refugees.

IIIIIIIIII

Takenaga was supervising the repair effort when he was disturbed by one of his employees.

"Boss!" the head guard, an ex-Hot Springs nin hissed insistently.

"What is it?"

In response, the guard thrust a bingo book into the man's hands with several entries circled.

"I see."

"That's leaving aside the bounty Cloud has on bandits, boss," the guard continued. "Why would he leave us with something so valuable?"

"He might not have known," Takenaga replied.

"Nin of his level never make mistakes like that, boss," the head guard insisted.

"Let's hope that whatever it is doesn't come round to bite us," Takenaga sighed. "Tell the men to be on alert."

"Will do, boss."

IIIIIIIIII

Suzume and Kimiko walked up to the huddled group of civilians, making no move to be undetected and waited at what they thought was a polite distance until one of them, a brown haired man in his early thirties acknowledged them.

"We need to ask you a few questions," Kimiko said with a friendly look on her face. "For starters, who's in charge?"

The 'normal civilians' shared looks of confusion and turned back to the two Uzu-nin.

"Alright," Suzume sighed. "Who's the oldest here?"

"I am the eldest of the civilians," one of the disguised Root nin, a young looking blond volunteered.

"How old are you?" Suzume asked, noting how young everyone in the group looked.

"Thirty three," he replied. "Most others are killed during miss . . . accidents before they come close to reaching my age." That or been disposed of after being rendered combat ineffective by an injury or deemed unreliable.

The meeting didn't take long, the bits of information dropped by their guests painted a sickening picture for the two Uzu-nin.

"I no longer think this is something Kushina-sama set up," Suzume said, looking sick. "Or if it was, it was co-opted by someone nasty after her death."

"One of my sources revealed that Tsunade, the current Hokage, terminated a man named Shimura Danzo in an extremely gruesome manner. Something about unauthorized missions," Kimiko stated.

"Since when have you had sources?" Yuki asked.

"Since I started working closely with Wave. They've got a surprisingly good handle on what's going on in Konoha," Kimiko replied. "Leaf is their biggest trading partner and can do no wrong thanks to the actions of the Uzukage while wearing a Leaf symbol."

"Do they know anything else about this?" Suzume demanded.

"They've got some thoughts, but not a lot of hard facts," Kimiko replied. "After hearing them, I believe I have a good idea of what may have happened."

"Let's hear it," Yuki prompted.

"Kushina-sama set up a group of nin that did not exist or possibly just the ground work for them as a way to help rebuild the village after she was ready to move. Her death allowed this Danzo character-"

"Contemporary of the Third Hokage, known for having a more aggressive view of the world," Suzume spoke up. "Bit of a bastard, medically retired, passed over for the big chair. Sorry, continue."

Kimiko nodded to the other woman. "Danzo took over Kushina-sama's project and changed it. Started kidnapping orphans and putting them through a training course that had a loss rate of between fifty and seventy percent, sent them on missions with a similar survival rate. It was a rare ninja that lived longer than twenty," she said in disgust. "That child bride of yours is between twenty three and twenty five, marking her the second oldest in the group. Conversations with our 'civilians' indicate that Danzo saw ninja as disposable tools." Several jaws tightened at that pronouncement. "Tsunade, the Uzukage's cousin comes in and uncovers the situation. I'm not sure if the Third Hokage was complicit or ignorant of what was happening," Kimiko admitted.

"Ignorant," Suzume stated firmly. "The old bastard was sadistic, ruthless, and evil when he needed to be, but never when it came to his village or his ninja. As bad as what Tsunade did, the old monkey would have been worse. Would have made this Danzo's suffering a thing of legends."

"We'll take your word on it," Yuki laughed. "Continue please, Kimiko."

"Tsunade finds out and orders Danzo brought to her office and personally executes him. Not sure of the details, but it seems it involved perforating the man's rectum with his face pre-mortem." Which, Kimiko reflected to herself, was one of the many reasons it was a very bad idea to get on a medic's bad side; they knew exactly how far they could push the human body before it began to shut down. "Tsunade has a group of untraceable nin on her hand and sends them to her cousin to fulfill their original purpose."

Yuki shook his head. "How good are they, Suzume?"

"In terms of technical skill, quite good. In terms of mental condition, quite bad. Useful so long as they don't have to think too much, I'm planning to ask Uzumaki-sama for a few of them if he permits me to retain control of our academy. I believe they'll make excellent demonstrators so long as they're backed up by good instructors." Suzume nodded to Kimiko. "I'd suggest you do the same if Uzumaki-sama chooses to give the academy to you."

"I'll take your considerations under advisement," Kimiko said, fighting to contain the giggles that threatened to burst free. "I'd prefer to keep external intelligence until someone better comes to replace me."

"And I shall keep general administration until the Uzukage decides to find someone else," Yuki agreed. "Speaking for myself, I have no intention of retiring to a quiet life. Tried that in that damned farming village and I'd rather go back to D-ranks than do that again."

IIIIIIIIII

The ninja running Cloud's bounty office couldn't believe what he was hearing. It just didn't make sense.

"You're sure that's why he didn't take the heads?"

"He said he needed supplies more than he needed money," the merchant agreed.

"Ah." The ninja relaxed and he began to understand the situation. "I've got some good news for you and I've got some bad news for you," the nin stated calmly. "The good news is that collectively, these heads are worth around twenty million. The bad news, is that you accepted them as payment for a shipment of supplies to Uzu. The boy you met was the Uzumaki, he wasn't just giving you those heads."

"Bad news?" the merchant laughed. "No. A contract to buy and deliver fifteen million ryo in goods is nice. The possibility of building a lasting relationship with a newly restored village is potentially worth much, much more than that, more than just the heads. Thank you, ninja-san."

Something about the merchant's statement gave the nin an idea. "Do not leave the village without authorization," the ninja said after a moment of thought. "You will be compensated for your time if you are kept for more than two days."

AN: Just got bored of this one, had intended to finish it but it stopped being fun to write. Check below for Omake and the basic outline I was going off of.

Beta by dogbertcarroll

Typo by zaion_indulias

Omake by polychromeknight

Well, I'm certain there are some families of genuine Uzu refugees who just never settled down to be enslaved, and others who absorbed a few ninja from Uzu into their wandering clans.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Ninja of Uzumaki clan, coming home to resettle."

Dryly. "None of you look anything like an Uzumaki."

"Yeah?" big burly guy with bushy blue hair and beard, amid a caravan of the same, replied, pointing to his own chest. "Well, we're all family, and my boy over there married a girl of the minor branch."

Said boy was a thirty-something-ish man, who stood with his arm around the waist of a middle aged lady with red hair, proudly wearing a deeply dented headband of Uzu, a diaper-clad infant in her arms and scars on her cheek from when she, as a young genin, fought in and finally fled the fall of her village.

"So we're yer in-laws," the big blue spokes ninja concluded.

"What? All fifty of you?"

"Family is family, cousin."

So there would be genuine clans of cousins and in-laws approaching to resettle. But that just makes it easier to grab a couple of redheads and "head back home".

And it's a good gamble. Even if you are certain they'll find you out in a couple of years, if you've done right by them and served them loyally until that time, the village is still going to be weak and still going to need your manpower, so if you can prove yourself a resource to them they can trust, well, adoptions  
happen.

And in the meantime Naruto can be having misadventures, discovering the official seal of the Uzukage in a junkshop, etc. Looting does happen, and who is going to suspect that valuable painting nabbed from the Uzukage's office was in truth a disguised storage scroll? Then, many years later when junior is practicing his ninja techniques in the house and puts a kunai through it, junior gets a tanned bottom and the painting gets sold to a junk shop for a fraction of its original worth...

...only for a young genin browsing around to cut himself on an antique knife and accidentally spill some blood on it.

These things happen.

And if I was leader of a ninja village, and a seal master, I'd be strongly temped to have a safe in my office that was rigged to explode no matter how it got opened, while the real secret vault was the painting of my family I'd hung on the wall to disguise the safe.

Omake by **nielingage**

Naruto screamed in frustration when he felt the clone he had making his explosive notes disappear. What in the hell could have happened? A low rumble in the distance and a rapidly rising plume of smoke answered his question. He'd been so sure that a an old warehouse filled with flour would be the best place to experiment too.

Hikaru and his team were frozen in shock. They'd taken a high point view to observe the death of what they were sure was the Flash's son, only to see him annihilate every ANBU sent against him the instant they broke in.

That hadn't frozen them though. What had was what drewtheir eyes a moment later: the angry cry of the blond Konoha-nin the moment the building went up in fire. The same ninja that was now heading away from the village... deeper into Iwa territory.

"Hiraishin," Hikaru said in utter horror. "He knows Hiraishin too..."

Omake by me: Hanzo comes Home

"More mouths to feed," Suzume said sourly.

"Mouths that brought a two year supply of food and enough supplies to set up their own village," Yuki replied mildly. "I'd be inclined to allow them to stay even if they didn't come with one of us."

"What did he say his name was again?" Kimiko asked.

"Kamisori Hanzo," Yuki replied.

"What does Kamisori mean?" Kimiko asked, not as familiar with the dialect spoken in Water country as she'd once been.

"Razor."

"The Itami clan had a son named Hanzo, barely a genin when the village fell," Suzume said, dredging up an old memory.

"Wonder what he did to earn such a nickname," Yuki said thoughtfully, doing his best to ignore the girl happily snuggled up to his side.

They let everyone in one at a time and question them as to why they decided to accompany such a notorious man.

"He killed our father," the young girl replied. "We owe him everything."

Suzume frowned. "Was your father a bad man?"

"Our father was the kindest most noble man to have lived!" the boy shouted, glaring at the old woman for daring to say something less than completely complimentary about his dead parent.

"He was sick," the girl explained. "The doctors said he was going to die and he was in so much pain that I tried to end it for him."

"Big sister wouldn't let me do it," the boy added. "I tried, but sister took the knife away."

"What . . ." Suzume trailed off as she remembered the penalty in Water for patricide, crucifixion. "Hanzo ended your father's pain."

"And saved big sister!" the boy agreed. "He's a hero!"

Omake: Cloud and the Hyuuga, wasn't sure if I was going to use it or not

"Your daughter's betrothed stated that it was the minimum he was willing to accept,"

"My daughter's betrothed?" Hiashi repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"The Uzukage."

"I see," Hiashi replied, hiding his confusion.

"Your brother's life was forfeited to Raikage-sama's predecessor. Mine is a gift to your successor."

"To do what with?" Hiashi demanded.

"Anything Hinata-sama desires," Akane replied. "It is presumed the Hyuuga clan seal will be applied to me."

"What do you expect to happen next?"

"It is presumed, based on the psychological profile we have for you, Hyuuga-sama, that I will not survive more than an hour after that happens." The woman paused. "My uncle was the man you slew for attempting to kidnap Hinata-sama, Hyuuga-sama."

Without another word, Hiashi rose to his feet and strode out of the room.

"Come," one of the branch members ordered. "There has been a room set aside for your temporary use."

"May I see Neji-sama while I am able?" Akane asked hopefully.

"Why?"

"I have an apology from Raikage-sama to deliver."

IIIIIIIIII

"Neji, you will take a dozen others from the branch house to investigate this Uzukage," Hiashi ordered. "I leave it to you to determine if he is worthy of your cousin."

"Yes, uncle," Neji agreed. With luck, a dozen helpers would be enough to kill the man in the very likely event that he should he prove to be lacking. The boy had failed his duty to protect his cousin for most of his life, he was determined to do his best for her in what may be the little amount time he had remaining.

IIIIIIIIII

"What's this?" Neji demanded, glaring at the Cloud nin.

"Everything we managed to learn about the seal on your forehead after examining your father, Neji-sama," the woman said, bowing low. "Raikage-sama apologizes for the actions of his predecessor and hopes that this will be the first step in showing that."

"I see." Neji's eyes narrowed. The fact that it could lead to the branch house breaking their chains and revolting against their main house cousins was probably a side benefit. "What can you tell me about the Uzukage?"

"A man of terrifying strength and bottomless wisdom," she said quickly. "Your cousin was lucky to make such a good match."

Which told him absolutely nothing at all. "There's something else I want from you."

"Name it and it shall be yours if it is within my power to give it even if it should be my life," the woman agreed.

IIIIIIIIII

"If it is the same Naruto Uzumake, my cousin Hinata, the heiress of the Hyuuga clan, is his fiancée," Neiji stated. It was the least he could do to make up for the way he'd treated her. "Also, the man who gave me my life back."

"Hinata-sama is completely devoted to him," Neji replied.

IIIIIIIIII

"Why didn't the Uzukage approach me about this?" Hiashi demanded. "Why spring this on me?"

"I am loyal to the clan, Hiashi-sama," Neji stated. "But my first loyalty is to Hinata-sama."

"As it should be," Hiashi snapped. "What-" he nodded. "I see, what can you tell me, nephew?"

"Hinata-sama sees things others do not and chose well," Neji stated after a moment of thought.

"My daughter contacted the leader of a foreign village and persuaded him to marry her?" Hiashi snorted in disbelief. "All without alerting either me or village security?"

"I am unable to confirm or deny, Hiashi-sama," Neji replied. "I am prepared to accept any punishment you wish to give me."

"Why Hinata?"

"It is my belief that the Uzukage wishes to seal a new alliance with the Leaf using a marriage to the heiress of its most important clan. Mirroring the marriage of an Uzumaki to the first Hokage."

"This all assumes the Hokage will chose to renew the alliance," Hiashi pointed out.

"Based on my knowledge of both the Hokage and the Uzukage, it would surprise me greatly if she did not."

Omake:

He'd been the third youngest genin in Uzu history, the fifth youngest chunin, the third youngest jonin, the sixth youngest Anbu captain, and the youngest non Uzumaki for all. He'd been on a long term scouting mission to watch the other villages when Uzu was attacked. What had happened to his home was his failure, years of self loathing meant nothing could convince him otherwise. The first year he'd tried to get revenge. Over a hundred deaths later, the anger had cooled and he'd crawled into a bottle hoping to forget and hating himself for the selfishness. Three months later he'd crawled out and in the years since, he'd done his best to remember his village, reasoning that it was never truly gone so long as someone did. He'd wandered from town to town, earning enough to live on his stories and the occasional group of bandits with poor victim selection.

Omake by me: An assortment of scenes in spiffy random order

Tsunade keeps getting reports of the mysterious Konoha nin that every other village is watching and that keeps saving the day and killing hundreds of bad guys. Spends a lot of time trying to convince herself that they aren't talking about Naruto.

Tsunade felt a chill go up her spine as she read another report, this one containing a partial description of the legendary nin. The only blonds she knew were . . . but he was safe with Jiraiya, not even the old pervert would be irresponsible enough to . . .

"Get me ten bottles of sake, now!" she bellowed. It wasn't Naruto and that was that. The sake was just to help her calm down.

IIIIIIIIII

"Dead last?" the Raikage snorted. "Old monkey got a bit too cute there."

"Should have put him in the middle or maybe the last third," his assistant agreed. "Though there are some indications that he'd already graduated, it's possible the third Hokage didn't wish his hidden agent to effect the class standings of any of the actual cadets."

"What indications?"

"Most of this is conjecture," his aide cautioned.

The Raikage motioned for his man to continue.

"We know that one of the chunin instructors turned traitor on the night of the graduation, we know he attempted to steal their scroll of forbidden techniques, and we know that Uzumaki was originally fingered as the culprit." The man took a breath. "According to rumor, the Uzumaki captured the traitor using an A-rank technique he'd learned from the forbidden scroll after retrieving it."

The Raikage snorted in amusement. "More likely the third suspected one of his instructors and had one of his younger Anbu infiltrate the academy. Which begs the questions of why the old man kept up the charade and left him on a genin team?"

"The analysts are divided on this one, Raikage-sama. Half of them believe that the boy was sent to keep an eye on the last Uchiha, about one fourth of them believe that the third wished to reintegrate the Uzumaki back into the normal village population, and the rest fear that the boy's power level had reached the level that assassination attempts from Stone were no longer a concern."

"How sure are we of the Uchiha's defection?" the Raikage said suddenly.

"Sir?"

"If the theory about the Uzumaki being sent to infiltrate the academy is true, and I believe it is, than it shows that the old monkey was willing to send his nin on long term infiltration missions," the Raikage pointed out.

"I suppose it could be possible," his aide said thoughtfully. "I'll have our people check into it, Raikage-sama."

"Have them spend a bit of time looking for anyone the old monkey might have sent here," the Raikage ordered.

"And if we find any?"

"Suggest to any suspects that it would be a good idea to go back to Konoha or Uzu while I'm still willing to let them," the Raikage said firmly.

IIIIIIIIII

"We have to get out of here right now," the girl hissed. "Orochimaru-sama has ordered that you be detained and your eyes removed."

"What?" Sasuke demanded.

"He believes you to be a Leaf infiltrator, we have to get out of here right now before the order leaks down to every level."

"And go where?" Sasuke demanded, suddenly realizing what it meant to abandon one's home village.

"Whirlpool is coming back. Maybe they'll let me in because of my name and if they do, maybe they'll let you in too," she said hopefully.

"We're risking a lot on a maybe," he pointed out.

"We've got nothing to lose," she pointed out.

The Outline:

Temari arrives in Uzu, confirms that Naruto is the leader and delivers an offer of alliance. Everyone notes that he's the Kazekage's best friend and sees it as another part of his brilliant plan. Temari returns to Sand and is sent off to find Naruto.

Several caravans of supplies arrive in Uzu. Mostly food, building materials, and ninja equipment. Also includes a few things from Cloud, scrolls looted from Uzu or something. Shortly afterward, similar arrives from Stone.

Rumors start that Temari, the Kazekage's sister is romantically involved with the Uzumaki. Stone figures that he's planning to strengthen the alliance by marrying her. Cloud figures the same about Hinata and Leaf, Sand figures the same about Yugao and Cloud. Leading to Naruto getting a reputation as a ladies man that Jiraiya could only envy. No one bothers to tell the girls involved that they're in a harem. Possibly political entities that don't have a girl in the harem will find and send them along with some amount of aid to Uzu. Naruto of course has no idea that any of this is going on, Jiraiya hears about his student's way with the ladies as soon as he gets off the boat.

Uzu gets offers of trade and alliance from all corners, everyone wants a chance to pay Naruto back for what he did for them or is hoping to get on the good side of the most fearsome nin in the world.

Naruto eventually links up with Uzu's delegation to Konoha about the same time Jiraiya gets back. Uzu sees this as a sign that the Uzukage wishes to negotiate with his cousin/home village himself. Jiraiya gets an emergency recall signal from Tsunade and rushes back to Leaf in the company of Uzu's delegation to Konoha. They return to Konoha a short time later, Jiraiya is too busy quizzing Naruto in an attempt to find out just what happened and why Tsunade would be so angry with him while hoping with all his might that Tsunade doesn't know what actually happened for fear of being brutally murdered for dereliction of duty.

Omake: The Ending

"I don't know how you did it, but good job," Tsunade told her old teammate.

"Thank you," Jiraiya replied, trying to keep his confusion from showing.

"Of course, if you'd failed, what I'd have done to you would have made you wish I'd only castrated you to death. Meaning I'd castrate you, heal you, castrate you again, heal you again, and so on till your heart went out so bad I couldn't fix it," she continued calmly. "Can't argue with results though. Just never do something like it again or I'll stomp your testicles into paste." She turned away from the suddenly sick looking Jiraiya to Naruto. "What are you plans regarding the alliance between our villages, Uzukage-sama?"

"What are you talking about?! Why are you acting so strange,granny?!" Naruto shouted.

Tsunade took a step forward and slapped the boy on the back of the head. "Show some respect you little brat! We're having an important meeting here!"

Rage filled the watching Whirlpool ninja, several picking out targets for the fight they knew was imminent.

"I missed you too, granny," Naruto said, hugging the woman.

"Welcome home, brat," Tsunade said fondly.

The watching nin relaxed, realizing that they were seeing a family reunion and not a meeting between two village heads.

Jiraiya managed to contain himself till after he was alone with his wayward apprentice. "Just what in the hell have you been up to while I was gone?"

AN: Beta by dogbertcarroll for everything above that I wrote.

Omake for Chapter 03 by samhainredux

Here's my try at it. I tried to use the statement just below to make the conversation.

"Speaking hypothetically, Uzumaki-sama, what would Cloud have to do in order for you to forgive them if they slighted you?"

Naruto stopped slurping his noodles to look at the girl that sat beside him. Looking closely at her face to see if he knew her.

Squinting softly to no avail, he simply cannot recognize her.

Taking time to think about her question he answered confusedly. Taking note that slight meant that they made him angry or something. Wow, that dictionary in Jiraiya's pack was useful after all... who'd knew.

"Eh? Cloud hasn't really done anything to make me angry or anything." He said amicably.

He waited for a small while, but the girl didn't reply. So he continued...

"Well, they did try to kidnap Hinata-chan once and they took Neji's father..." He trailed trying to think of any reason to be angry at cloud. "yeah, those bastards just walked in Konoha and tried to take Hinata-chan and killed Neji's father, they could at least apologize right?"

"I see. Thank you for your time Uzumaki-sama." Junko said shakily.

OR

It could go like this too... I'm hoping you'd just give up reading and say to hell with this I shall fix this abomination and write a proper dialogue.

"Speaking hypothetically, Uzumaki-sama, what would Cloud have to do in order to..."

Slurp. Ah. The ambrosia of the gods! It has been a long, long time!

Junko sweated slightly as she awaited the answer, but seeing him slurping still at his Ramen blissfully as if he wasn't concerned that a potentially deadly ninja was sitting beside him... well there was arrogance and there was confidence.

Deep inside, Junko was impressed at the blondes diplomacy tactic, since he did indeed hold the cards making the other guy sweat it out was pure genius.


End file.
